London Bridge
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“Neither Londen nor a bridge”
~ Phil Osophy on London bridge
“Those who desire to visit the London Bridge, desire not go to London or visit a bridge”
~ Benjamin Franklin on London Bridge
“Didn't this contraption fall down?”
~ Oscar Wilde on London Bridge
“How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge, wanna go down like...”
~ Fergie on London bridge
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London Bridge is a station that was formerly in London. Built by the Victorians along with the rest of Britain, it was eventually sold, amid fears that it was falling down, and moved to a more profitable location in Arizona, 5301 miles west of Charing Cross. Desert areas of the western United States had previously been poorly served by London Transport. It is in Travelcard Zone Z.
It is important not to confuse London Bridge with any bridges that might happen to be in London. If you do people might think you're a tourist.
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[edit] History
London Bridge was London's first railway station, and was named after a different mode of transport to make it more popular with the public, and to get planning permission in the first place. This was before London's Miniature Railway was built, and not long after the first "moving kettle" had been an embarrassing marketing failure. The station's initial prospects seemed poor. The first wood and clay structure lasted just six months, before heavy rains washed the entire station into the river. The brick-built replacement was also a disappointment, but its fortunes changed when it was replaced with a new iron and steel structure, since copied by railway stations in major cities worldwide.
Bridges in London had traditionally been retail developments, and the new marketing plan for the "rail way" copied this shamelessly. The shares in London Bridge triggered a stock market bubble and soon it was possible to build more stations. The sceptical public was soon won over to the health benefits of coal smoke and railways entered their golden age.
[edit] Golden Age
After a few years the iron and steel structure was found to be bending and bowing, but with the strong financial situation there was scope to strengthen the station by building it up with silver. And fittingly for such a symbol of the economy of the day, London Bridge was redecorated entirely in gold. It was, unfortunately, closed for ages while this took place and the expensive materials required the services of a night-watchman, who was paid almost entirely in pipe tobacco.
[edit] Move to Arizona
It was clear by the mid-twenteth century that London Bridge could not accommodate the future of 500 mph express maglev train network that it would soon be part of, and anyway everyone could go everywhere by car.
But, worse, the weight of the gold had taken its toll on the Victorian structure over the course of the twentieth century, and structural experts warned that the historic station roof may collapse. The charity single London Bridge is Falling Down failed to raise the funds that would save the historic structure, and a drastic plan was necessary.
Fortunately it was, by now, the era when privatisation would save everything that charity singles could not. The innovative solution to London Bridge's problems preserved the profitability of this important station, by moving the structure piece-by-piece to its new location.
Unfortunately the new owners tried to take the station into the United States by hiding the pieces under their coats and walking very quickly through the green channel without making eye contact with the customs officers. This was actually successful on the first few trips, but on the final trip, something unknown raised the officers' suspicions, and the Ticket Office was seized. It is now unused in a storage facility somewhere in Los Angeles.
[edit] Replacement bridge
A replacement bridge was built on the same site. It is dull. There is a popular nursery rhyme about the new bridge as follows :
- London bridge is fucking dull, fucking dull, fucking dull
- London bridge is fucking dull, my fair lady.
[edit] Location and Environs
Most of London Bridge today is part of an authentic Elizabethan theme park where visitors can travel to and from the station by sailing ship. Visitors are particularly encouraged to stop at Ye Olde Londone Bridgee Gifft Shoppe.
Due to the unavailability of the ticket office, anyone intending on travelling must buy their tickets before they arrive at the station. Passengers are advised to purchase tickets from Guam Underground Station on the Great Circle Line.
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