London Tourist Board
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The London Tourist Board is a special rectangular Board that all tourists visiting London for more than eight hours must carry with them. Failure to do so may result in a fine of £100 or up to 3 days detention by the Metropolitan Police. Repeat offenders may be shot.
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[edit] Board Details
The Boards are rectangular, measuring 28cm x 22cm, and are approximately 3cm in depth. They are made of a polycarbonate resin, with a mahogany trim, and are available in a choice of colours, including Magenta. They weight 485 grams. Each Board is all weather ready, however should be wrapped in a light cotton towel at night if the temperature falls below 3C (that's different in Fahrenheit).
You will require two HB2 batteries, which should last the average tourist visit duration (the average is based in the average arrived at using an average measurement).
[edit] Where Do I Obtain The Boards ?
London Tourist Boards can be purchased ahead of your visit (see links below), in all European countries, North Amerika, and South Yemen
When arriving in London, these can be obtained at any shop with the yellow & green London Tourist Board Logo in their window, or at any branch of Woolworths, MacDonalds, KFC, and all London Railway Stations.
[edit] How Much Do They Cost ?
One Day Board - £5.00 (that's more in $ dollars). Up to 3 Days - £4.00. One Week (or seven days) - £2.00 per day or part thereof, or £12.00 inclusive. Up to a Fortnight (that's two weeks) - £21.00, or you can buy the 14 day bargain ticket for just £25.00.
None of these prices include batteries.
[edit] Do I Need to Carry These at all Times ?
YES. When in London (including all London Boroughs) please ensure you have your board with you. Uniformed Tourist Board Officers may ask to inspect the board. (The uniforms are a familar red all-weather jacket, orange speckled necktie, and luminous neon blue ski trousers).
Between 10pm and 6am you will also need the board for entry to any bars, clubs, any branch of McCrack Dens, and the London Pyramid.
[edit] What Should I do if I Lose My Board ?
DON'T PANIC, you're in London. Ensure your uppermost Lip is in a stiff horizontal position. Calmly present yourself to a Tourist Board Office (addresses can be found in all participating stores), and explain the situation. Normally you can be back out & on your way with a replacement board within the hour. (Please note if you are French and begin to panic, we may have to arrange your deportation to Iraq).
 | Places of Interest | London Bridge | Tower Bridge | Mornington Crescent | River Thames | London Eye | Big Ben | Houses of Parliament | House of Lords | Scotland Yard | Thames Ditton | Surbiton | Buckingham Palace | Millennium Dome | British Museum | 10 Downing Street |
| Places of Disinterest | Isle of Dogs | High Holborn | Hackney Empire | BBC Studios | Peckham | |
| People of Interest | Queen of England | Chelsea Pensioners | Prime Minister | |
| Culture and Education | London Symphony Orchestra | University College London | Cockney-English dictionary | St. Chav's Cathedral | Wimbledon | London F.C. | British Library | |
| Getting Around | London Underground | London Overground | Tube | London Bus | Hackney Cab |
