Horatio Nelson
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Lord Horatio Nelson was a British admiral. He did command some ships. And he did beat some French.
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[edit] History
Horatio was born in Norfolk in 1763, but was able to make good his escape at the age of twelve by joining the Navy. He spent several years in it, and during that time set about dozens of French and Spanish ships, not to mention polar bears, with reckless abandon. The other captains tried desperately to stop him. He was sent through a malaria-infested swamp without a map, and even married, but nothing was able to slow Nelson down. Eventually, after Nelson started attacking and capturing not one Spanish flagship at a time but two, they were forced to take the ultimate step of making him an Admiral.
He then swept across the Mediterranean to Egypt, shedding a succession of body parts on the way. On seeing the French fleet, he reportedly claimed to be able to beat them with his right hand tied behind his back. This would have been an amazing feat, as his right hand was several hundred miles from his body at the time. However, this did not seem to cause much difficulty, and the French admiral did not even have time to surrender before he and his ship blew up.
On the way back he stopped off at Naples for a spot of light adultery and cheerfully murdered a few hundred prisoners of war (though this is officially Not Memorable). Having run out of Frenchmen for a while, he decided to attack the Danish fleet, despite the fact that he had been ordered not to do so and that Denmark was neutral. He bravely and memorably turned a blind eye to these inconvenient facts, and won a very bloody victory.
Horatio Nelson died at Trafalgar on the 21st of October 1805, owing to the French finally working out that the one wearing all the shiny stars and medals, and giving orders, must be the Admiral. However, they timed this very badly, as they were in the middle of being defeated yet again. His famous last words were memorably "Kiss me, Hardy", spoken to Captain Thomas Hardy. Less commonly known is that after Hardy did so, Nelson said "Now fondle my balls". This rather tasteless joke was not mentioned by later historians, who felt it might tarnish his reputation.
[edit] Why the French Lost
The French battle cry :
"To the water, it is the hour!" "A L'eau, c'est l'heure!"
[edit] Historical Legacy
His descendants, if he had any, would have been be asked to apologise formally to the French and Spanish nations for the acts of piracy he carried out in his time as Admiral. These were clearly not in line with the spirit of the European Union, in which no country is allowed to win.
[edit] Some Little Known Facts About Nelson
- He was a little bit famous in his own time.
- After losing his arm at Santa Cruz de Tenerife, he invented the "half-Nelson" wrestling move as a matter of necessity for survival in the daily Royal Navy Greek wrestling rituals.
- As a midshipman, he was known to stuff his ass with broken glass. This immeasurably helped his meteoric rise to the top of the Fleet.
- After his death, he was stuffed in a barrel of brandy for preservation. His body was brought back to England and publicly devoured in triumph by the Royal Family.
- He had only illegitimate children, named mostly after himself.
- To this day, one can escape speeding tickets in England by claiming to be a descendant of Horatio Nelson.
- According to Taskforce, (1986-) Nelson was the first person to invent 'The Ratio'. The third one in the maths thing (sic) where you work out a circles dimensions, after diameter and circumference.
Barmy British Stuff 
