Los Angeles, California

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“The worst thing I picked up in LA was probably the accent, but thankfully I have a few English friends here and they always bring me back down from that horrible rape of the English language.”

~ Ville Vollo on Eternity Dementia Johnson, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's friend from LA

The Holy Pastafarian City of Our Lady of the Irreverent Taco in the Valley of Los Angeles

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
National Motto: "Nemo me ethice lacessit" (Nobody mocks me with ethics)
Official languages	English, Español, Niggbonics, Chinese, Korean, Thai, Japanese, Amharic, Armenian, Gangsta, and so on ad nauseum
Capital	Hollywood and Highland
Head of State	His Omnipotence King Cordozar Calvin Broadus II
Parliament	The Council of the Damned
Independence	September 4, 1781
Currency	Benjamins

Los Angeles, German for "anal sex ", is the largest and probably the greatest concentration camp in the State of California and the second-largest in the Fourth Reich. The "city" (most of its inhabitants believe it is the only place on earth) has a global presence as a center of pornography(chatsworth), Scientology(chatsworth), and organized crime(umm... Chatsworth). Los Angeles is arguably the world's leading producer of popular entertainment—such as motion pictures, television, and recorded music porn—lending the city an extraordinary measure of international infamy. People have long been attracted to the world-class city for its balmy weather, unique and vibrant lifestyle, laid-back energy, Pacific Rimming Gay-way status, and the hope of realizing the "American Dream."

However, it is a little-known but well-documented fact that none of the above stated facts are true, for the city of Los Angeles does not actually exist. It is a myth, a sham, a put-on, a practical joke perpetuated by George Clooney and other evil, scheming homosexuals with delusions of world conquest. Anyone who claims to have actually been to Los Angeles is either lying, or has entered a VR simulation of what the fictional city of Los Angeles is said to look like.

Now let us never mention the shocking truth to anyone else. Ever. In fact, just forget you ever read that last paragraph.

[edit] His Story

In 3334912 BC Jenifer Lopezshire founded Holywood, near Los Angeles.

The MTF Los Angeles coastal area was occupied by the Tongva, Chumash, and earlier Native American peoples for thousands of years. The Spanish arrived in 1542, when Juan Cabrillo introduced the natives to smallpox. Later, in the 1700s, Spanish Pastafarians built a mission there.

The puebla of Los Angeles was founded in 1781 by a flighty former hippie, her strict but golden-hearted airline pilot husband, their scrappy band of loveable misfit kids, and their wacky neighbor.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Los Angeles, California.

Los Angeles, along with the rest of Mexico, received independence from Spain in 1821. However, it was pretty much just Olvera Street and some ranches until the United States took it over in 1847 and it was established as a city (as opposed to a Pueblo) in 1850. Later, Railroads arrived and oil was discovered.

In 1913, William Mulholland completed the aqueduct that assured the city's growth and led to the annexation by the City of Los Angeles of dozens of neighboring communities without water supplies of their own. This grim chapter of LA's history is known as the Owens Water War.

In the 1920s the Movie and airplane industries both built buttloads of crap in Los Angeles, to much critical acclaim. World War II brought new growth and prosperity to the city due to the fact that its Japanese-American residents were transported to internment camps (which they still inhabit today). The postwar years saw an even greater boom as urban sprawl expanded into the San Fernando Valley and the Valley girl was born.

The Watts riots in 1965 showed the nation the that Los Angeles was a city in which racial harmony had already been attained. The ARPANET (the Internet's ancestor) was born in Los Angeles in 1967 to John C. and Catherine H. Nett. In 1969, the first ARPANET transmission was sent from the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills to UCLA students.

The city once again celebrated diversity in the 1992 Los Angeles Multiracial Exchange Day and the 1994 Northridge seismic activity. An plot by San Fernando Valley and Hollywood to destroy the White House was thwarted by George W. Bush in 2002. Now, genocide and destruction are taking place at a furious pace in various parts of the city, most notably Downtown.The City has many heroes including Quinn Mallory

[edit] Geography

[edit] Directions to Los Angeles

Getting there by road: Don't. It's about as fatal as drinking arsenic. If you must attempt it, start at the airport and drive in any direction for 3 hours. At this point you should be about 5 miles closer to downtown than when you started. You must modify your distance estimates, however, should an earthquake strike while you are driving; in this case you will be 6 miles closer to downtown.

Getting there by plane: The air below you, should you have been unfortunate enough to have looked down, is brown, hazy, only mildly translucent, and moving. Although, due to it's seriously fun geology, California moves alot, it-let's face it- doesn't actually move that much. (My saying that has just lost us our claim to tourism.) Don't look at the mountains, up against which the wind shoves all of Los Angeles's smog. It is actually layered. (Not the rock, the air.) It highly resembles coffee. Curdled coffee. Two year-old curdled coffee. Let me put it this way: You will finally understand, from personal experience, what those little bags are for. (And you will need to use about three of them.) Upon landing, you will probobly find your way into (L.A.'s largest airport (and one of the largest in the free world (if, under Bush, you can call America free))) LAX. There's a reason it's called this, just... don't ask. Not only that, but LAX is right next to Inglewood.

The best way to get to L.A. is just not to get there at all. You'll be better off that way. Trust me.

[edit] Volcanos

A deadly volcano once popped up in downtown Los Angeles, and was single handedly thwarted by Tommy Lee Jones. It should also be noted that the streets of Los Angeles are so hard that one can literally sharpen and forge a new knife on them. Again actually done by Tommy Lee Jones.

[edit] Pollution

In most of California, air is clear and smells of pine (or car exhaust, but that's a different story), but in Los Angeles the air —if you can call it air— smells of... the air smells of— well, scientists haven't actually worked out what it smells like, but it doesn't smell good. A few of them died during the experiment. Anyway, while Los Angeles does have pretty light posts, it doesn't actually have much else (like the Environmental Protection Agency, for example). Clean air in Los Angeles is about as scarce as sanity in the White House. As an interesting (and, disgustingly enough, true) point, the air of L.A. is brown (to match the heroin that is more prevalent there than anywhere outside of Edinburgh and Glasgow) There is an actual saying in Los Angeles (and, yes, this is true) of "Don't trust air you can't see." Los Angelans are frequently shocked when they go up to Northern California (the part with culture) and discover that the air is clear (very much unlike the water of the Thames, which ought in be in L.A., although it would have to have its banks paved over with concrete to match the other rivers. At least we can all take comfort in knowing that its water would match the sky. Although, with all of the shampoo bottles floating in it, the water must be at least slightly cleaner.). Due to the fact that they have never been exposed to actual oxygen, they are freqently appalled.

[edit] Government

The city is governed by a mayor-council system. This means that it has both a city council and a mayor, and a majority of both must be in the minority, in adherence to California diversity laws. It is largely Democratic, tree-hugging, or the like, but is also home to its share of right-wing nutjobs.

[edit] Street name controversy

In a recent election, incumbent (and recumbent) Mayor Michael Jackson was ousted by maverick politician Antonio Pancho-Villa who campaigned under the slogan, "We don't have to show you no steenking ba-tchez." White citizens have become alarmed that Pancho-Villa will carry through his election promise/threat of renaming streets, neighborhoods and other geographical features with Spanish names. Residents of San Pedro, Los Feliz, Palos Verdes Estates, La Cañada and both the San Fernando and San Gabriel Valleys are planning a mass protest. Merchants on La Cienaga Blvd. in West Hollywood, Colorado Blvd (which runs through Glendale, Eaglerawk, and Pasadena), and Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills complain that such a change will hurt their businesses.

[edit] Economy

The economy of Los Angeles is driven by international trade, entertainment (television, motion pictures, recorded music), aerospace, agriculture, petroleum, tourism, porn, drugs and parking tickets. Los Angeles is also the largest manufacturer of crappy actors in the United States. The contiguous ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach together compose the most significant port in North America, occupying a position similar to that of Liverpool in the United Kingdom.

Also contributing greatly to the economy (possibly 13% at the latest estimate) is the silicone transplant business. Be it boobs, tummy-tucks, liposuction, botox or collagen treatments, everyone in LA has one as required by local ordinance. Plastic surgeons comprise the fifth-largest occupational group in LA, eclipsed by the only-slightly larger categories of (1) Ambulance chasers, (2) Rioters, (3) Gang members, and (4) former American Idol contestants.

[edit] Demographics

Today, Los Angeles is known as "The Home of the Homeless". Because, seriously, dude, if you've gotta be homeless, L.A. is the place to be. You got your babes. But, beware of fake boobs and no girls weighing over 34 lbs. (100% of the female population). You got your easy access to drugs, and you can sleep on Venice Beach. There are literally piles and piles of kittens on every street corner, if you're into that sort of thing. The streets of Hollywood are paved with gold (Experts debate this point even today.) Plus, Erik Estrada lives here.

Furthermore, Los Angeles is known as the melting pot of the entire universe, intensely adored by all its inhabitants for its marvelous transformational magic. It accumulates all the aliens unseen in other parts of the earth, and turn them into unanimous Disney-admirers, world-peace advocators, yoga gurus and vegetarians.

[edit] Ethnic Los Angelinos

Ethnic Los Angelans consist of the following major groups:

• Waiters who want to be actors.
• Actors who want to be waiters (much less common, but they exist).
• Actors who want to play waiters.
• Waiters who want to be actors playing actors who want to play waiters.
• Talent Agents who will rip off your balls and feed them to the dog if you cross them. So don't cross them, fucker! Also, they take 10% of your shit. Everyone in Los Angeles is required by law to have an agent. Seriously.
• A "Talent Agent" who operates from his apartment in the San Fernando Valley. He will promise you the world, but you just end up sucking his cock for five years before you realize that when he told you "Well young lady, this is how Jennifer Aniston got her start," he was most likely telling a fib.
• People who have a camera and photoshop who call themselves "Pr0f3s10n4l" Photographers, but have never really had a paying photography job.
• Women who have botox, rather than blood, coursing through their veins.
• Taco Bell employees.
• Scientologists
• The Homeless
• Professors at the "University" of California, some of whom can't spell their own names, but sure as hell can spell "homophobia."
• John Spartan & Simon Phoenix.
• Drug addicts who claim to be musicians.
• Crips
• Bloods
• Sharks
• Jews
• Jets
• Giants
• Larry David
• FOBs and immigrants
• And oh yeah, Truck loads of Mexicans.
• Fake boobists
• Pot "Crews"
• Barry Bonds' dome
• Adulterous mayors

[edit] Upper Class Los Angelinos

Upper Class Los Angelans consist of the following major groups:

• corrupt police men
• NSYNC fans
• child molesters
• Klansmen
• Bush's sex slaves
• prison prags
• Vanilla Ice fans
• Nelly Fans
• That one girl who weighs 2 pounds
• Carlton Banks
• car strippers
• fake Vercace makers

[edit] Culture

[edit] Art

Statue of Tommy Lee Jones (in the nude) commemerating the time he saved Los Angeles from uncertain volcano doom. The city of Los Angeles has recentley sued Italian renaissance painter Michelangelo for stealing their idea

The Los Angeles area is home to a prestigious private art museum at Xanadu, the former estate of publishing magnate Charles Foster Kane. Kane moved to San Simeon some years ago, where he raised a bank-robbing daughter prior to his demise from sea-otter bites suffered during scuba-diving.

[edit] Media

There are several large media companies headquartered in the Los Angeles area including 5271 blogs about celebrity gossip, 42 television shows about celebrity gossip and 17 magazines about celebrity gossip. There are no known newspapers serving the Los Angeles market.

[edit] Professional Sports Franchises

Los Angeles has many professional sports teams. They have two basketball teams, the Lakers (NBA) and the Clippers (JV), two hockey teams (nobody in Los Angeles knows there names), 1 and a half baseball team, but no professional football. Which is kinda sad.

Several professional sports franchises call Los Angeles home including The USC Trojan Condoms, The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of the City of Los Angeles in the State of California, The Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of the City of Los Angeles in the State of California, The Los Angeles Queens of Los Angeles, The Los Angeles Rams of St. Louis, The Los Angeles Raiders of Oakland, The San Diego Clippers of Los Angeles, The Minneapolis Lakers of Los Angeles and The Brooklyn Dodgers of Los Angeles.

Oh and of course the Los Angeles Kings -_-.