Los Angeles, California

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“Los Angeles? Never heard of it!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Los Angeles

“The worst thing I picked up in LA was probably the accent, but thankfully I have a few English friends here and they always bring me back down from that horrible rape of the English language.”

~ Ville Vollo on Eternity Dementia Johnson, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's friend from LA

“I was born and raised here. I still don't fucking like it.”

~ Gnarls Barkley on Los Angeles

The Holy Pastafarian City of Our Lady of the Irreverent Taco in the Valley of Los Angeles

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
National Motto: "Nemo me ethice lacessit" (Nobody mocks me with ethics)
Official languages	Español, Caló, Spanglish, Ebonics, Redneck, Broken English,
Un-official languages	Farsi, Chinese, Korean, Thai, Japanese, Hebrew, Amharic, Armenian, English, Shiite, Gangsta, and so on ad nauseum
Capital	Hollywood and Highland
Major	Sir Edward James Olmos
Head of State	His Omnipotence King Cordozar Calvin Broadus Snoop Puppy II
Parliament	The Council of the Damned
Governing agency	The LAPD.
Independence	September 4, 1781
Currency	Benjamins

Los Angeles, also known as Tehrangeles, is the largest and probably the greatest concentration camp in the State of California and the second-largest in the Fourth Reich. It is also number 3 in the list of the worst cities ever. The "city" (most of its inhabitants believe it is the only place on earth) has a global presence as a center of pornography (in Chatsworth, L.A. community), Scientology (in Chatsworth again), and organized crime (umm... Chatsworth). Los Angeles is arguably the world's leading producer of popular entertainment—such as motion pictures, television, and recorded music porn—lending the city an extraordinary measure of international infamy. People have long been attracted to the world-class city for its balmy weather, unique and vibrant lifestyle, laid-back energy, Pacific Rimming Gay-way status, and the hope of realizing the "American Dream."

However, it is a little-known but well-documented fact that none of the above stated facts are true, for the city of Los Angeles does not actually exist. It is a myth, a sham, a put-on, a practical joke perpetuated by George Clooney and other evil, scheming homosexuals with delusions of world conquest. Anyone who claims to have actually been to Los Angeles is either lying, or has entered a VR simulation of what the fictional city of Los Angeles is said to look like.

Now let us never mention the shocking truth to anyone else. Ever. In fact, just forget you ever read that last paragraph.

[edit] His Story, or History, for you products of The Los Angeles Unified School District

In 10,000 BC Jennifer Lopez founded Hollywood, near Los Angeles, in the name of The Xenu Empire.

The Los Angeles coastal area was then occupied by the Tongva, Chumash, and earlier Native American peoples for thousands of years. The Spanish arrived in 1542, when Juan Cabrillo introduced the natives to smallpox. Later, in the 1700s, Spanish Pastafarians built a mission there.

The puebla of Our City of Almighty Califia, Queen of the Pretty Angels of the Lower Portion Where the Flying Fishes Play and Bump into Each Other, or Los Angeles for short, was founded in 1781 by a flighty former hippie, her strict but golden-hearted airline pilot husband, their scrappy band of loveable misfit kids, and their wacky neighbor.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Los Angeles, California.

Los Angeles, along with the rest of Mexico, received independence from Spain in 1821. However, it was pretty much just Olvera Street and some ranches until the United States took it over in 1847 and it was established as a city (as opposed to a Pueblo) in 1850. Later, Railroads arrived and oil was discovered.

In 1913, William Mulholland completed the aqueduct that assured the city's growth and led to the annexation by the City of Los Angeles of dozens of neighboring communities without water supplies of their own. This grim chapter of LA's history is known as the Owens Water War, which was inaccurately documented as a form of familial father-daughter incest porn in the blowhard-fest of Roman Polanski's only good film, Chinatown.

In the 1920s the Hollywood film and aerospace industries both built buttloads of crap in Los Angeles, to much critical acclaim. World War II brought new growth and prosperity to the city due to the fact that its Japanese-American residents were transported to internment camps (which they still inhabit today). The postwar years saw an even greater boom as urban sprawl expanded into the San Fernando Valley and the Valley girl was born.

The Watts riots in 1965 showed the nation the that Los Angeles was a city in which racial harmony had already been attained. The ARPANET (the Internet's ancestor) was born in Los Angeles in 1967 to John C. and Catherine H. Nett. In 1969, the first ARPANET transmission was sent from the Playboy Mansion in Holmbly Hills to UCLA students.

The city once again celebrated diversity due in part by the 1992 L.A. Multiracial Rioting Exchange For Rodney King Day, and the 1994 Northridge Earthquake's Die in Your Apartment at Four in the Morning Day. A plot by San Fernando Valley and Hollywood to destroy the White House was thwarted by George W. Bush in 2002. Now, genocide and destruction are taking place at a furious pace in various parts of the city, most notably Downtown.

The City has many heroes including Quinn Mallory, Ryan Seacrest, and American Idol.

[edit] Folklore

Yep, Los Angeles is THE most western of the good ole Wild West - the Final Frontier.

It doean't get any more western tham this folks - if yall go any further west yall will drown in the ocean. Unless you giddy up on your mangy-ass ole pony all the way up do Frisco - but thats north ya see, as opposed to west, pardner.

So if you fancy the good ole Wild West hospitality, the smell of horse piss and cow manure - put on your spurs, hop on your pony and c'mon down to L.A. - yeeeeehaaaw!!!

Everything here is still like in the ole Wild West - lots of land up for grabs, indians to be evicted, old-timers to be harassed, women to be molested, horses to be thieved, Saloons to pick a fight in, banks to be robbed, livestock to be ransacked plundered and pillaged, strangers to be rude to, Buffaloes to be hunted - and plenty of pork-n-beans to go around.

Home on the Range:

♫ Oh, give me a home

where the buffalo roam,

where the deer and the antelope play;

where seldom is heard

a discouraging word

and the skies are not cloudy all day... ♪

[edit] Tourism

[edit] Getting around

The best way to get around from LAX is to take the "Rodney King Boulevard" to "Hollywood Freeway 101" - make sure you take a good book with you to read while you drive. After 101 make sure you take "O.J. Simpson's 10th Anniversary Freeway" to San Fernando Valley - from there you will be able to get anywhere you want. One thing about San Fernando Valley, they may not have Eiffel Tower there or Taj Mahal - but they DO have everything else. So, why would you wanna go anywhere other than the beautiful San Fernando Valley???

[edit] Fastest way to get around

As seen in many Hollywood blockbuster movies - hauling-ass down the L.A. River (a long stretch of mostly dry concrete river-bed) which seems like THE fastest way to go.

Featured in the following movies: "Repo Man", "Grease", "To Live and Die in L.A.", "Gone in 60 seconds" and other...

[edit] If lost, marooned or disoriented

DO NOT use GPS, Mapquest or Google Maps etc. DO NOT ask any Police officer for directions - just pull over and ask any local for directions, they will be more than happy to give it to you.

[edit] Places to see:

360 N. Rockingham Avenue, in Brentwood. O.J. Simpson's Mansion - also featured on MTV Cribs.

875 S. Bundy Drive (now changed to 879 S. Bundy), in Brentwood. Townhouse of Nicole Brown Simpson, O.J. Simpson's former wife was murdered there. The real killer(s) are still at large.

Laurel Canyon Boulevard and Archwood Street, in North Hollywood. Place of the infamous "North Hollywood shootout". A "cops and robbers" style gunfight not seen (or not as publicised) in the Wild West since the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral".

Vitello's Italian restaurant at 4349 Tujunga Avenue, in Studio City. A favorite with Robert Blake.

1700 Grand View Drive, in Alhambra. Phil Spector's castle, where actress Lana Clarkson was shot.

722 N. Elm Drive, in Beverly Hills. Lyle & Erik Menendez's former diggs - also known as "Casa de Menendez"

[edit] Places to be seen in:

The Mall's

San Fernando Valley

Hollywood

Beverly Hills - Rodeo Drive

Malibu

Santa Monica

Venice Beach

North Hollywood

[edit] Places to "make a scene" in:

L.A. is the place that gives you the rare opportunity to "make a scene"

This includes (but not limited to):

Talking out loud on your cell phone - louder makes you stand-out.

Showing-off your new girlfriend at the Mall.

Wearing sunglasses indoors.

Cruising with a rented convertible up and down the Sunset strip.

Sticking your head out of the stretch limo sunroof.

Getting your spurs all jingling and jangling...

Driving around in your dropped down Honda Civic with a loud oversized exaust pipe.

[edit] Places to be noticed in:

Hoping to get noticed by a music producer? Just play your Banjo, Jaw-Harp or Harmonica outside the Capitol Records Building on 1750 Vine Street.

Want to become an Actor? Well, odds are pretty much against you... BUT, the odds are much better if you become a Rap Star first... Statistics show that most (if not all) "Rap Stars" eventually become actors one way or the other. So quit your job!!! diss your boss!!! and get on the mike, boyeee!!!

Wearing a Mickey Mouse costume at Disneyland - 1313 Harbor Boulevard, Anaheim

[edit] Hollywood Walk of Fame

The Hollywood Walk of Fame's tourist infested sidewalks stretch for grueling 20 blocks along both sides of Hollywood Boulevard, from Super-Duper Street (on the north) to Compton Avenue (on the east). The Walk of Fame also runs for three blocks (north-west) along Wino Street, beginning at Sunny Boulevard (on the north), crossing Inglewood Boulevard, up to Yuck Street (on the east).

"One man's treasure may be another man's complete waste of time" Why would anyone in their right mind spend their hard earned money, waste their vacation time, travel so many weary miles in their homage or a pilgrimage to Hollywood in order to stare at a piece of a sidewalk?! Perhaps they have developed this strange deluded notion that there is some connection?! That there is some kinship?

Take a picture of Michael Jackson at the Wax Museum, or shop many Souvenir Shops and Gay Boutiques at Santa Monica Boulevard on your way there.

[edit] Geography

[edit] Directions to Los Angeles

Getting there by road: Don't. It's about as fatal as drinking arsenic. If you must attempt it, start at the airport and drive in any direction for 3 hours. At this point you should be about 5 miles closer to downtown than when you started. You must modify your distance estimates, however, should an earthquake strike while you are driving; in this case you will be 6 miles closer to downtown.

Getting there by plane: The air below you, should you have been unfortunate enough to have looked down, is brown, hazy, only mildly translucent, and moving. Although, due to it's seriously fun geology, California moves a lot, it - let's face it - doesn't actually move that much. (My saying that has just lost us our claim to tourism) Don't look at the mountains, up against which the wind shoves all of Los Angeles's smog. It is actually layered. (Not the rock, the air) It highly resembles coffee. Curdled coffee. Two year-old curdled coffee. Let me put it this way: You will finally understand, from personal experience, what those little bags are for. (And you will need to use about three of them) Upon landing, you will probably find your way into L.A.'s largest airport (and one of the largest in the free world if, under Bush, you can call America free) LAX. There's a reason it's called this, just... don't ask. Not only that, but LAX is right next to Inglewood.

The best way to get to L.A. is just not to get there at all. You'll be better off that way. Trust me.

[edit] Volcanos

Long ago, a deadly volcano erupted in downtown Los Angeles, and was single-handedly thwarted by Tommy Lee Jones. It should also be noted that the streets of Los Angeles are so hard that one can literally sharpen and forge a new knife on them, just like Tommy Lee Jones did.

[edit] Pollution

In most of California, air is clear and smells of pine (or car exhaust, but that's a different story), but in Los Angeles the air —if you can call it air— smells of... the air smells of— well, scientists haven't actually worked out what it smells like, but it doesn't smell good. A few of them died during the experiment. While Los Angeles does have pretty light posts, it doesn't actually have much else (like the Environmental Protection Agency, for example). Clean air in Los Angeles is about as scarce as sanity in the White House. As an interesting (and, disgustingly enough, true) point, the air of L.A. is brown (to match the heroin that is more prevalent there than anywhere outside of Edinburgh and Glasgow). There is an actual saying in Los Angeles (and, yes, this is true) of "Don't trust air you can't see." Los Angeleans are frequently shocked when they go up to Northern California (the part with culture, civilization, and where actual Californian liberal Democrats exist) and discover that the air is clear (very much unlike the water of the Thames, which ought in be in L.A., although it would have to have its banks paved over with concrete to match the other rivers. At least we can all take comfort in knowing that its water would match the sky. Although, with all of the shampoo bottles floating in it, the water must be at least slightly cleaner). Due to the fact that they have never been exposed to actual oxygen, they are frequently appalled.

[edit] Government

The city is governed by a mayor-council system. This means that it has both a city council and a mayor, and a majority of both must be in the minority, in adherence to California diversity laws. It is largely democratic, tree-hugging, or the like, but is also home to its share of right-wing nutjobs (The Los Angeles Police Department, and The Paris Hilton Gang) who are the real power brokers in the city.

[edit] Street Name Controversy

In a recent election, incumbent (and recumbent) Mayor Michael Jackson was ousted by maverick politician Antonio Pancho-Villa who campaigned under the slogan, "We don't have to show you no steenking ba-tchez." White citizens have become alarmed that Mayor Pancho-Villa will carry through his election promise/threat of renaming streets, neighborhoods and other geographical features with Spanish names. Residents of San Pedro, Los Feliz, Palos Verdes Estates, La Cañada and both the San Fernando and San Gabriel Valleys are planning a mass protest. Merchants on La Cienega Blvd. in West Hollywood, Colorado Blvd., and Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills complain that such a change will hurt their businesses.

(Note: Cienega is not Spanish, but in the Native American tongue of the Gabrielenos, but it still sounds Spanish to most)

[edit] Economy

The economy of Los Angeles is driven by international trade, entertainment (television, motion pictures, recorded music), aerospace, agriculture, petroleum, tourism, porn, drugs and parking tickets. Los Angeles is also the largest manufacturer of crappy actors in the United States. The contiguous ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach together compose the most significant port in North America, occupying a position similar to that of Liverpool in the United Kingdom.

Also contributing greatly to the economy (possibly 13% at the latest estimate) is the silicone transplant business. Be it boobs, tummy-tucks, liposuction, Botox or collagen treatments, everyone in LA has one as required by local ordinance. Plastic surgeons comprise the fifth-largest occupational group in LA, eclipsed by the only-slightly larger categories of (1) Ambulance chasers, (2) Rioters, (3) Gang members, and (4) former American Idol contestants.

[edit] Demographics

Today, Los Angeles is known as "The Home of the Homeless". Because seriously, dude, if you've gotta be homeless, L.A. is the place to be. You got your babes. But, beware of fake boobs and no girls weighing over 34 lbs. (100% of the female population). You got your easy access to drugs, and you can sleep on Venice Beach. There are literally piles and piles of kittens on every street corner, if you're into that sort of thing. The streets of Hollywood are paved with gold (Experts debate this point even today.) Plus, Erik Estrada lives here. Who's that, you ask? Actually, I don't know. This Hollywood Walk of Fame star on the sidewalk says "Erik Estrada." That means...he probably lives here. Maybe.

Furthermore, Los Angeles is known as the melting pot of the entire universe, intensely adored by all its inhabitants for its marvelous transformational magic. It accumulates all the aliens unseen in other parts of the earth, and turn them into unanimous Disney-admirers, world-peace advocators, yoga gurus and vegetarians.

[edit] Ethnic Los Angelinos

Ethnic Los Angelans consist of the following major groups:

• Waiters who want to be actors.
• Actors who want to be waiters (much less common, but they exist).
• Actors who want to play waiters.
• Waiters who want to be actors playing actors who want to play waiters.
• Talent Agents who will rip off your balls and feed them to the dog if you cross them. So don't cross them, fucker! Also, they take 10% of your shit. Everyone in Los Angeles is required by law to have an agent. Seriously.
• A "Talent Agent" who operates from his apartment in the San Fernando Valley. He will promise you the world, but you just end up sucking his cock for five years before you realize that when he told you "Well young lady, this is how Jennifer Aniston got her start," he was most likely telling a fib.
• People who have a camera and Photoshop who call themselves "Pr0f3s10n4l" Photographers, but have never really had a paying photography job.
• Women who have Botox, rather than blood, coursing through their veins.
• Taco Bell employees.
• The Homeless
• Professors at the "University" of California, some of whom can't spell their own names, but sure as hell can spell "homophobia" and "xenophobia."
• John Spartan & Simon Phoenix.
• Drug addicts who claim to be musicians.
• Crips
• Bloods
• Sharks
• Jews
• Jets
• Giants
• Larry David, sometimes mistaken for the TV sitcom Seinfeld
• FOBs and immigrants, and truck loads of Mexicans.
• Fake boobists
• Pot "Crews"
• Barry Bonds' dome
• Adulterous mayors (like Mayor Villagross-out)

[edit] Upper Class Los Angelinos

Upper Class Los Angeleans consist of the following major groups:

• Scientologists
• Corrupt police force (L.A.P.D., the real one, not the one from the TV shows Dragnet or Cops)
• Child molestors who get their own reality TV series
• Klansmen (see L.A.P.D.)
• Bush's sex slaves (see Occidental, Chevron, Unocal, Hughes Aircraft)
• Prison inmates who often become better actors than Hollywood actors who play prisoners
• Coldplay - Jonas Brothers - Miley Cyrus fans
• Nelly Fans who think that Ice-T is an actor from the TV series Law and Order
• That one girl who weighs 2 pounds
• Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Will Smith's Ass Crack
• Carjackers, or what they eventually become, rappers
• Fake Versace/Gucci makers
• The largest multiethnic population in the world of families just like those in The Sopranos.
• Everybody from the universe of Paris Hilton.
• Persians

[edit] Culture

[edit] Art

Statue of Tommy Lee Jones (in the nude) commemorating the time he saved Los Angeles from uncertain volcano doom. The City of Los Angeles has recently sued Italian renaissance painter Michelangelo for stealing their idea

The Los Angeles area is home to a prestigious private art museum at Xanadu, the former estate of publishing magnate Charles Foster Kane. Kane moved to San Simeon some years ago, where he raised a bank-robbing daughter prior to his demise from sea-otter bites suffered during scuba-diving.

[edit] Media

There are several large media companies headquartered in the Los Angeles area, including numerous blogs about celebrity gossip, a myriad of television shows about celebrity gossip, and an infinite amount of magazines about celebrity gossip. There are no known newspapers serving the Los Angeles market. The Los Angeles Times was previously a newspaper until circa 2000, when it dumbed down the reading level from a high-school graduate to fifth grade. Coincidentally, there is a game show produced here named "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" which was influenced by the city's high academic standards.

Since American Idol took over the media, and its production is now based in Los Angeles, a single reality TV show/singing contest is now rendering the media magnates of Viacom-Vivendi, Universal, and the rest as null and void under the boot heel of Rupert Murdoch's Fox (which also broadcasts "Are You Smarter...") Idol is the only show anybody really cares about in the city, and around the world.

There will still be sitcoms and drama series and films, but they will all be put on life support through the trickle-down of Idol.

As of this time, there is no record industry here, since that was taken over by Steve Jobs and iTunes ca. 2000. Jobs is also responsible for being the second most harmful influence in Hollywood since Idol with his Pixar Animation Studios, which is currently eating away at Disney from the inside.

[edit] Professional Sports Franchises

Los Angeles has many professional sports teams. They have two basketball teams, the Fakers (NBA) and the Clippers (JV), two hockey teams (nobody in Los Angeles knows there names), 1 and a half baseball team, but no professional football. Which is kinda sad.

Several professional sports franchises call Los Angeles home including The USC Trojan Condoms, The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of the City of Los Angeles in the State of California, The Los Angeles Mighty Ducks of Anaheim of the City of Los Angeles in the State of California, The Los Angeles Queens of Los Angeles, The Los Angeles Rams of St. Louis, The Los Angeles Raiders of Oakland, The San Diego Clippers of Los Angeles, The Minneapolis Fakers of Los Angeles and The Brooklyn Dodgers of Los Angeles.

Oh and of course the Los Angeles Kings -_-.