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Contents 1 Season One 1.1 1: "The Pirate - Part 1" 1.2 2: "The Pirate - Part 2" 1.3 3: "Credo Quia Absurdum Est" 1.4 4: "Roundabout" 1.5 5: "Wascally Wabbit" 1.6 6: "House of the Rising Bun" 1.7 7: "The Butterfly" 1.8 8: "Incompetent Man" 1.9 9: "Solitaire" 1.10 10: "Raised by an Udder" 1.11 11: "All the Best Cowboys Have Dirty Tissues" 1.12 12: "Whatever the STD" 1.13 13: "Vital Organs" 1.14 14: "Walt Is A 'Special' Boy" 1.15 15: "Hobbit Coming" 1.16 16: "Inlaws" 1.17 17: "Huh?" 1.18 18: "Letters" 1.19 19: "Butt Sex Macarena" 1.20 20: "Why You Shouldn't Kill" 1.21 21: "Why You Should Kill" 1.22 22: "Dancing in the Dark" 1.23 23: "Exorcist - Part 1" 1.24 24: "Exorcist - Part 2" 2 Season Two 2.1 1: "Man At Seance, Man Who Fakes" 2.2 2: "A Douche" 2.3 3: "Inflamation" 2.4 4: "Everybody Hates "Everybody Loves Raymond" Puns" 2.5 5: "Crap Bin" 2.6 6: "Tossed in the Gutter" 2.7 7: "The Udder 48 Gays" 2.8 8: "Circumcision" 2.9 9: "Who Kate Did" 2.10 10: "The 23rd Palm Tree" 2.11 11: "The Hunting Part-ae" 2.12 12: "Steam" 2.13 13: "The Looooooooooooooong Con" 2.14 14: "Us and Them" 2.15 15: "My Turn to Leave" 2.16 16: "The Hole's Truth" 2.17 17: "Locke Down!" 2.18 18: "Hello, Dave!" 2.19 19: "S.O.B." 2.20 19½: "Reckoning" 2.21 20: "Two Corpses To Go" 2.22 21: "¿" 2.23 22: "Fwee Minutes" 2.24 23: "Live to Get Her, Die at Home" 2.24.1 Part 1 2.24.2 Part 2 3 Season Three 3.1 "The episode for people who haven't been paying attention" 3.2 1: "A Tale Of Two Titties" 3.3 2: "The Grass Roller" 3.4 3: "Further Obstruction" 3.5 4: "Every Conman for Himself" 3.6 5: "The Cast is Leaving" 3.7 6: "I Don't" 3.8 Lost: A Survival Guide 3.9 7: "Not Important" 3.10 8: "Flashes Bore Your Eyes" 3.11 9: "Strange Hair On A Strange Man" 3.12 10: "The Reporter from Family Guy is Dust" 3.13 11: "Finishing 7th" 3.14 12: "Par 4 8 15 16 23 42" 3.15 13: "The Man Who Tapped A Horsey" 3.16 14: "XXX-posed" 3.17 15: "Saggy Behind" 3.18 16: "Just the Two of Us" 3.19 17: "Snatch-23" 3.20 18: "L.O.L." 3.21 19: "The Breg" 3.22 20: "The Wizard Of Oz" 3.23 21: "Greatest Spits" 3.24 22: "Through the Windshield Made of Glass: Part 1" 3.25 23: "Through the Windshield Made of Glass: Part 2" 4 Season Four 4.1 1: "The Beginning of the Fourth Season" 4.2 2: "Unconfirmed Life" 4.3 3: "The Ekonomicz" 4.4 4: "Egghead" 4.5 5: "The Contest" 4.6 6: "The Udder's Bitch" 4.7 7: "Jet Li" 4.8 8: "Michael Strikes Back" 4.9 9: "The Shape of Dirty Things" 4.10 10: "Some Nice Buttered Scones" 4.11 11: "Saturday Night Fever" 4.12 12: "Eso es todo! Estamos matando a la isla! (Part I)"

[edit] Season One

[edit] 1: "The Pirate - Part 1"

Bang! An eye. A forest. A man. A dog walks past.A snow man having sex with a polar bear. The man stands up, struggling to get to his feet. This man's name is Jack. Regaining his senses, he feels something in his pocket. A mini vodka bottle. He starts to hear screams from the edge of the jungle. His senses as a doctor kick in. People are in trouble, and they need his help. He runs through the jungle arriving at a horrifying sight. A wrecked plane. People running and screaming everywhere. He wastes no time running out to help as many people as possible. Suddenly, a nearby man yells to him "Hey, Stop!" Unable to hear him he turns around to ask, and is promptly sucked into the engine behind him, exploding.

Fortunately another man named Jack, also a doctor, has just been through the same thing and is already saving people.

That night, the survivors gather around a fire and sing camp songs so maybe the rescue team can hear them. Jack meets Kate and tells her his idea of sewing the plane back together. Kate has a better idea. She was lucky enough to get to visit the captain's quarters during the flight and noticed that the captain was using a walkie-talkie to speak with J.J. Abrams about his new T.V. show idea. If they can find it, they can ask J.J. not to go ahead with the series, thus saving them all. Their planning is disrupted by a load roar from the jungle, which is followed by a few coughs and a sexually suggestive groan.

Jack and Kate venture out next morning, followed by a random junkie, who constantly asks them is he can borrow money for crack, despite the fact that they keep telling him no and that he should get a real job. Meanwhile, we catch up with the other survivors. A bald man explains to some children the difference between black people and white people using stones whilst a brother and sister make out.

The survivor squad arrive at the captain's quarters discovering that it was filled with pirates, none of which survived. While Charlie takes a leak, Jack and Kate bring the head pirate back to life, only to discover that his walkie-talkie isn't working, J.J. must not have his turned on.

Suddenly, the pirate bursts into flames, meaning the monster is back. The survivors and the monster run through the jungle, going off one side of the screen and appearing off the other, Scooby-Doo style. Finding the pirate's ashes among some trees, the survivor's turn to the monster (off screen) and say "You're a real dickhead, you know that?".

[edit] 2: "The Pirate - Part 2"

Jack finds an America-loving arab named Sayid singing the national anthem, and gives him the walkie-talkie, surely he can fix it, as the instructions are in Arabic. Jack then goes to tend to a survivor wearing an orange jacket and a red shirt with a piece of metal through his head. Meanwhile, Walt gives his dad a pair of hand-cuffs, his dad simply replies "Later". A watching Korean woman takes off her top to give her husband the sign that she'd like to try getting kinky like that one time. "Pizza is not good with onions" Says the snowman

Sayid fixes the walkie-talkie and leads a posse into the jungle to try and find some friends with it. Along the way, a random redneck snaps and shoots a bunch of the native polar bears. Kate steals his gun, as she is concerned about the endangered jungle polar bears.

Upon reaching the summit, they turn the walkie-talkie on, finding that Sayid accidentally forgot to set it back to English after using Arabic, which none of them speak. Fortunately Shannon does, but not very well as she spent her time in the middle east as a P.O.W., not studying. She eventually is able to translate the message to: "Hello, Hello? Test, is this on? I killed my whole team, I mean it, not me, I'm innocent. But if I did do it, it was because they hid by goddamn car keys...again, those bastards." Suddenly Claire shows up, no longer pregnant and wearing a bikini, and asks the question that still puzzles fans today. "Where the bloody hell are we?"

[edit] 3: "Credo Quia Absurdum Est"

Jack gives medical attention to a man with a ninja star stuck in his chest. The man points to a naked poster of Kate, explaining to Jack that she is actually a dangerous ninja. Hurley, who has been staring at the poster since landing on the island, catches wind of this and has a panic attack on the floor.

Elsewhere, action picks up and tension builds, when Locke finds a stray dog named Vincent and gives it to Walt, who casually pretends it is his. It is later revealed, through Vincent's flashbacks, that he was traveling on the plane with Jin and Sun, as part of their packed lunch.

Kate has flashbacks to her ninja hideout in Australia, when her stalker chased her, forced her into a car accident and then kidnapped her, even sneaking her onto a plane in handcuffs without anyone growing suspicious. During the descent of the plane, Kate's vicious side is revealed when she tries to strangle him with his own oxygen mask and thrusts a ninja star into his chest.

Back on the island, we learn that the man Jack is helping is the identical twin of the man who was sitting next to Kate on the plane and by pure chance, has a ninja star stuck in the exact same place. When Kate enters the tent and begins to remove her clothes, the man starts having extremely loud orgasms, which annoy the rest of the castaways. Eventually, Sawyer enters the tent and fires a rocket launcher at the man to save him from dying of a heart attack, but misses his heart. Therefore, the man survives. Jack concedes that the man's death will now be long and painful, so in order to "put him out of his misery", he takes a needle and punctures each of the man's internal organs one by one, until he eventually dies.

The episode ends with a zoom shot of Locke's head, revealing to the viewers that John Locke is in fact, bald. There had been clues in the two pilot episodes, but up to this point, it was still only a theory. Now it is clarified that Locke does in fact lack hair.

[edit] 4: "Roundabout"

In the middle of the night, the dead passengers revive as zombies and start eating each other. Something must be done, because they chew too loud and no one can sleep. Hurley offers to eat them all, and everyone agrees. Unfortunately, some of the zombies escaped, and they must be found. Locke stands up and offers to lead the hunt. He shows his competency by unveiling his hidden ninja equipment of knives, katanas and shurikens and killing a few of the survivors.

In flashbacks it is revealed that Locke lived a very exciting life at a box factory. He got the job by wandering away from his field trip group while at the t.v. studio across the road as a young boy. It is there that he developed an interest for roundabouts, a natural rock formation found only in England and parts of Australia, where they are rarer. He goes to Sydney to see some, but is turned away for not having any legs. We then see the miraculous process of them growing back after the crash.

After capturing the zombies and returning them to camp, Locke goes back into the jungle just for the hell of it, where he runs into the monster. The episode ends with the camera zooming in on Locke's face, where we clearly see him falling in love with the monster. Then they make out.

[edit] 5: "Wascally Wabbit"

Jack notices through his telescope that a woman is drowning in the middle of the ocean. He immediately takes the lifeboat and sails off towards her. A few miles offshore, he discovers the body of Bono, right next to the woman screaming for help. He lifts Bono onto the boat and takes it back to the island, where he gives Bono the kiss of life and revives him from the dead. He then takes the boat back out to the drowning woman and "makes a decision" to push her head under the water for a long period of time, rather than saving her. Flashbacks to his past reveal that Jack was never good at making decisions, explaining this incident.

Bono later scolds Jack, insisting that he would have been fine and didn't need help, despite already being dead at the time. During this conversation, Jack sees his father standing in the distance, waiting to tell Jack it's time for bed. Jack rushes over to tell his father he just needs ten more minutes to finish saving fifty people's lives, but fears he will still be sent to bed with no dinner. As Jack approaches, his Dad disappears, revealing that it was in fact magician Paul Daniels disguised as Jack's dad.

Jack runs off after Paul Daniels, but accidentally falls down a cliff. Locke just happens to be at the bottom and catches Jack. Jack explains to Locke that there is no way Paul Daniels could have pulled off that trick, but Locke tells him there is something special about this island. He then confesses his love for the island and says it is the only one for him. He says that others may have feelings for it, but they wouldn't dare admit it, because they know he will be forced to kick their ass. The two men get up to leave, then Locke knocks Jack out and leaves him alone in the middle of the jungle.

Jack wakes up later on next to a campfire. He feels refreshed after his conversation with Locke, safe in the knowledge that everything happens for a reason, so if he falls of a cliff again with nobody to catch him, it will be for good reason. Jack then finds a swimming pool complex on the island's coast, solving the water crisis. He then notices a coffin and thinks it might be made of mahogany, but after striking it with an ax several times, he discovers that it in fact wasn't.

Back at camp, Claire's baby becomes so fat that it actually pulls her face-first onto the ground, knocking her out. Michael and Charlie come to her aid. Michael decides to help her by taking her shoes off, whilst Charlie gives her the kiss of life twenty-eight times, just in case it didn't work the first time. The two of them discover that all the water has been taken and the castaways later discover that Bono took it all, in order to make waterbombs.

The survivors hang Bono by a noose and just as they are about to seal his fate, Jack arrives back and tells them that Bono has already died once today, so they should give him a break. He tells the survivors about the swimming pool complex and suggests that Shannon and Kate should probably be first to test it, whilst he observes.

Meanwhile, flashbacks show a time when Jack wasn't a completely over-dramatic attempted heroic twat....only joking....he's always been a completely over-dramatic attempted heroic twat.

[edit] 6: "House of the Rising Bun"

Previously on LOST...Michael refuses to eat the fish that Jin prepared for the survivors.

This episode begins with Jin taking Michael to the ground and forcing him to eat the fish, straight from the tide. The campers gather round, eating popcorn and taking bets on who will win, before eventually deciding that enough is enough and breaking up the fight. The judges' scorecards indicate that Jin won the fight, so the castaways decide to even things out for round two by handcuffing Jin to the plane. Michael claims that in America, Korean people don't like annoying fathers who constantly lose track of their sons and shout their name repeatedly.

Sun has flashbacks to her former life with Jin, who is now revealed to have dual-personality syndrome. In order to marry Sun, Jin agrees to work as her father's PA for the next thirty years, thinking that it's OK because it's only temporary. He later buys her a puppy, which she says looks delicious and puts straight in the oven, but their relationship turns when Jin starts coming home covered in blood, carrying limbs and dissolving bodies in acid. Sun and her friend hatch a plan, where instead of getting on flight 815 with Jin, she performs an armed robbery on the airport and makes an escape in her friend's getaway car. However, she backs out at the last minute when she remembers what great love-making sessions she had with Jin.

Back on the island, Sun reveals to Michael that she is fluent in English, French, Italian, German, Arabic, Russian, Spanish, Dutch, Swedish, Chinese, Punjabi and luckily, Michael's native language too. The two discuss the weather and the stock market. Sun then reveals that Jin had only attacked Michael because of the fact that when the plane initially crashed, Michael mugged Jin and stole his watch. Michael decides to solve this problem by taking an ax and cutting off Jin's arm, meaning he wouldn't be able to wear the watch anyway so everyone is happy. The judges give this round to Michael.

Elsewhere, Charlie stands on a magical beehive that cracks when no pressure is applied to it. Jack goes to get something to replace Charlie's weight but Charlie decides it would be funny to move right at the last second, so the beehive breaks and Jack, Kate, Locke and Charlie are all attacked by bees. Several hours later, after the exterminator crew has left, Kate finds two people sleeping in the caves. Jack says they have been sleeping for at least fifty years and as a result, decides that the caves must be a very comfortable place to live. He suggests moving there but Kate is concerned about the mortgage and also doesn't know whether she wants to get laid by Jack or Sawyer yet.

Jack and Kate act as respective captains and each pick twenty two castaways to come and live with them. The group who move to the caves focus on interior design, giving the caves a modern-esque style. Jin and Sun suggest taking feng shui into consideration when doing so. Back on the beach, the viewers gasp as Michael's birthday is finally about to be revealed, but this turns out to be a tease from the writers and the viewers are forced to hang on even longer to find out. Johnny Cash emerges from the jungle and plays a tune to accompany the survivors' lives. Oh, and Hurley gained another hundred pounds even though there is not supposed to be any sufficient source of food on the island.

[edit] 7: "The Butterfly"

The episode opens with Charlie playing the full version of Freebird on his guitar. The wild animals become angry at the awfully long guitar solo and a boar chases Charlie out of the caves to stop him from playing an encore. Locke catches this vile creature, then catches the boar. His intention was for the boar to eat Charlie and become fatter, but this way works just as well for him. Charlie demands his stash of heroin back, because he wants to get high RIGHT NOW. Locke says he isn't done with it yet. He says he will give it back to Charlie once Charlie has asked for it 672 times and performed a judo throw on Locke, then physically taken it from Locke's pocket.

Elsewhere, Sayid hatches a plan to find the French woman, planning to go into the jungle and blow himself up in the hope that she will notice the explosion and show herself. However, before he is able to do this, the wind blows a stick into the back of his head, knocking him out and ruining the plan.

Back at the caves, an earthquake causes Jack to be trapped under a pile of rocks. Everyone nominates Charlie to go in after him, in the hope that a similar thing will happen to Charlie and they won't have to listen to him play the guitar anymore. Charlie agrees to do it, but says he needs to trip out quickly first. He runs off to find Locke and asks for this drugs again. Locke shows Charlie a butterfly and points out that it is in the same situation as Charlie. The butterfly is then seen getting high on the heroin and having flashbacks to extremely boring times in its cocoon. Charlie now understands. Locke decides to torture Charlie by getting stoned right in front of him and not giving him any. In anger, Charlie decides to return to the caves and show he isn't worthless by crawling through a small tunnel.

The survivors wait anxiously in the caves, until Charlie returns, wearing a cape and a Batman mask, to take up the challenge. He slides down the water chute that the survivors have dug into the caves and lands with a splash at the bottom, to find Jack. Jack tells Charlie that he needs him to perform an emergency heart bypass operation. Charlie says he can't do it, but Jack tells him he can, because he's Batman. Charlie completes the operation, saving Jack's life, but then Jack tells him that was a waste of time because they're about to die anyway. Charlie notices an elephant in the cave with them, that leads them to the way out.

Michael states that he runs a construction business and he knows how to help. The survivors drive bulldozers into the side of the cave, trying to clear a path. Kate arrives back at the caves after hearing what has happened and asks why nobody is using a crane. The process of clearing a path continues, during which fifteen survivors die of exhaustion, but it doesn't matter because Charlie and Jack left through the emergency exit anyway. The two of them arrive back in the Batmobile. Kate is so pleased to see Jack that she humps him, right in front of everyone.

Later on, Charlie goes to Locke and asks for his stash back, yet again. Locke says he can stop asking now because it's all gone - he already sold it all to the people living on the beach. Charlie is angry that Locke was acting as a dealer with HIS stash the whole time, but Locke explains that the castaways on the beach weren't getting their fix like the people in the caves, so something had to be done. Charlie says he isn't too bothered now anyway, because he still has a ton of crack in his suitcase. Locke says he is proud of Charlie.

The episode ends with a seventeen minute scene of Locke masturbating into a conch.

[edit] 8: "Incompetent Man"

Shannon has a sudden burst of diarrhea and when Bono goes to find her diapers in Sawyer's stash, Sawyer cons him into cutting himself open. Kate goes to see what kind of person Sawyer is. He gives her a letter, in which he had kindly filled in the details of what happened after his mother's boyfriend had to leave. He offers to give up the diapers in return for a long-term relationship in which Kate covers all the expenses on each date, but Kate refuses.

Jack shows Shannon a technique of clenching her buttocks together to prevent any flow, but she can only hold out for so long. Sun tells Michael she knows a particular type of plant that makes great toilet paper. Jin walks up to spoil the moment once again, just as the two are about to make out.

Jack and Sayid use Kate's bondage kit to tie Sawyer to a tree. As the first method of torture, Jack has a flashback right in front of Sawyer. Sawyer struggles through the boredom and still refuses to give up the diapers. Sayid threatens to cut Sawyer's hair to look like it did in the first episode, to which Sawyer finally concedes and says he will tell them where the diapers are, but only in a ten-man line of Chinese whispers. The survivors set this up and Sawyer passes down the message that he doesn't have them - he was just kidding before. However, by the time it reaches the end, the message is "I will give them to you if Kate comes and makes kinky love to me right now".

Disgusted at this proposition, Sayid declares Jihad on Sawyer and stabs him repeatedly with a samurai sword. As Sawyer lies in two pieces on the floor, Jack tries to put him back together. Sawyer thanks Jack by assuring him that if the tables were turned, then the plot probably wouldn't make any sense, so it's a good thing it's happening the way it is.

As Shannon wipes her ass on Sun's plant, she realizes it has very sharp thorns and starts to yell loudly. Sun tells Michael that Shannon has just been PWN'D. Jin hears this, but comes to the conclusion that she definitely isn't speaking English.

Kate goes to Sawyer and says she's figured out that he didn't actually write the letter; he was the mailman that delivered it, thus proving that he is a dickhead after all. Sawyer tells her that, yes, he was the mailman and never made much money out of it. For this reason, he could only ever afford cheap briefcases, that kept falling open and causing him to lose his savings. Luckily, some women would feel sorry for him and just give him money occasionally. Then, when he crashed on this island, he decided to become the man he hated and act like an asshole, for no apparent reason.

[edit] 9: "Solitaire"

After being voted off in the previous episode, Sayid is heading to the studio for his post-show interview. On the way, he trips over an electricity pylon. He thinks that by following the trail of pylons, he may be lead into a trap by the French Woman, so he will then be able to interrogate her and find out if she was laying a trap for him. Backed by this great logic, Sayid heads off , following the pylons and passing signs that read "French Woman, ... Miles", until he reaches a laser sensor. After carefully stepping over it, he decides to see if he can quickly put his leg through it without triggering it, but this sets the alarm off and Sayid is arrested by the FBI.

He awakes in a small hut, tied up. The French Woman comes over and tries to electrocute him, but it turns out that Iraqis do not conduct electricity, so the plan fails. She cuts a deal with Sayid, saying that if he fixes her boombox for her, she will untie his arms. Sayid says she must meet his end of the bargain first, so she unties his arms, gives him a blowjob, and using the toolbox he happened to be carrying with him on the way, he fixes the boombox. As Rousseau starts banging out some Charles Aznavour, Sayid starts going on about some woman called Nadia. This bores her so much that she wants to put him to sleep, but she's out of tranquilizer, so she counters it with a bedtime story about monsters, nasty people and a black rock. Unfortunately, Sayid falls asleep before the end.

Jack and Sawyer finally have tense camp sex

Just then, Rousseau hears something and runs upstairs with a pair of Uzis. Sayid applies his escapology skills and loosens the ties, then picks up a rifle and heads after her. He catches up with her and points the gun on her, then realizes he accidentally picked up a garlic loaf instead of a gun. He makes an offer to her to go back with him to the rest of his people, but Rousseau says she doesn't like Arabs. Sayid tells her he was referring to his fellow survivors, offering her a five star tent plus bed and breakfast included free of charge. Rousseau declines the offer, because she's an emo.

Elsewhere, Hurley builds an ice hockey rink, to give everyone else something to do in this episode. The survivors enjoy great games of ice hockey, then all go for a slap-up meal afterwards and have a jolly good laugh about the crap Sayid is probably having to endure while they're all sitting there having a great time. After a few drinks, they all partake in a shouting competition, until their voices become so hoarse that they are whispering loudly. Sayid picks up these whispers and comes to the conclusion that Rousseau's bedtime story was based on true events.

[edit] 10: "Raised by an Udder"

We begin with Claire who is dreaming about her baby. In the dream, she has found a crib in which her baby might be in. Walking nervously, she walks up to the crib and rolls up the blanked to find blood. Meanwhile, someone from behind her grabs her and begins to stab her in the stomach. She wakes up only to find blood on her hands and stomach. She then runs abruptly to the survivors and tells them about the dream. Hurley then decided at the last moment to take down everyone on the island. So as to ignore her.

A flashback reveals that Claire took a pregnancy test with a random stranger and found out she was pregnant. After he discovered that he was the father, he then reassured Claire that everything will be fine. Claire then visits a Physic who magically "knows" that she's pregnant. Using a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Her boyfriend begins to get upset and refuses to tell Claire what he "saw", when he sees Claire, he begins to run away from the apartment yelling "FREEDOM!"

While someone checking to see if everyone was here. Hurley then tried to persuade Ethan Rom into giving out his information but knowing the obvious anagram in his name, persuades Hurley by giving him a chocolate bar which he eats instantly. Jack tried to persuade Claire into proving that she is insane and should just stop whatever she is doing, and offers hill some mysterious pill. Claire then leaves to who knows where

In another flashback, Claire returns to the same evil physic that knew she was pregnant and surprisingly asks him for another reading. In a weird twist he knows that her boyfriend escaped her clutches and he suddenly warns her that something bad is about to happen. He then suggests that she parent the baby herself and insanely suggests that if anyone tried to take care of it, it'll be in danger. The physic then tries further methods of convincing Claire to take care of the baby herself. She repeatedly tells him "I'm putting this baby up for adoption, Bitch"

In a surprising twist, Hurley discovers that Sawyer somehow has a list of the people on the plane and he thinks that it could help him do his job faster and return to his job of eating food. Sawyer, knowing that Hurley is trustworthy, immediately gives him the list. While Charlie is trying to help Claire move somewhere else, she feels what's assumed to be her water breaking. In an odd time, Charlie says that only he and he alone can deliver the magic baby, but after somehow confessing that he is on lots of drugs. Claire tries to push Charlie away, leaving her alone in the jungle.

In the third flashback of this episode. Claire begins to sign some sort of document that would allow the baby to belong to the married couple, however in this mysterious world. Common Ink is rare in a place like this, after refusing the option to sign in her own blood. Visits the Physic yet again, after offering her plane tickets to some place called Los Angeles and $6,000 in cash. She refuses saying that she cannot trust a creep like him. He then calls a Chinese man to grab her and knock her out. Claire was then thrown into a box and taken to what was presumed to be the island.

Charlie then finds the next best thing. Ethan and tells him that she's giving birth and to also get Jack to see. Charlie goes back to Claire and tells her a story about the Physic and how he knew that the plane would crash on the island, and that this was a way to get her all alone with a child. Claire begins to feel better and stands up, knowing in her febel-mind that the plane crash was "coincidently" fate. Jack, disappointed that he didn't get to see the birthing process happen, returns to camp. Meanwhile back at camp, Sayid appears out of thin air with a speech about Daniell and other people on the island, just as Hurley was about to announce that one survivor isn't on the list. Claire begins to feel better about herself while Ethan looks at her with an ominous look.

[edit] 11: "All the Best Cowboys Have Dirty Tissues"

At the caves, Hurley continues trying to excersize. One survivor, Ethan, is not listed in the "Yearly World Census For 2004". Jack asks where Ethan is and Michael says that he went to the jungle to bum the monster. Jack then begins asking where Charlie is; Locke replies that he went after a polar bear on roller skates. As Jack and Locke run through the jungle in search of Charlie, they find three unclear sets of bread crumbs, and realize that Charlie and Claire have been abducted by aliens. Locke suggests that they should go back and return with a molestation party, but Jack decides to start off alone.

A flashback shows Jack injecting air into an injured woman. Despite his attempts, the woman's heartbeat shows as a flatline; Jack begins masturbating on her naked body to try and save her, even though it is clearly hopeless. His father, Dr. Evil was supposed to do the operation.

Back on the island, Jack, Kate, Locke, Bono and a leprechaun set off to find their companions. Following the bread trail, the group eventually finds one of Charlie's knuckles. Jack and Kate go off to find, while Locke and Bono continue on the unoriginal bread trail.

A flashback shows Dr. Evil requesting that Jack sign a form which will state that the woman's death was an accident. Jack knows that Dr. Evil was drinking bleech before he operated on the woman. Dr. Evil also says that if the hospital finds out, it will end his career, and his "myspace account". Jack signs the form.

During a snow storm, Jack and Kate get scared. Jack stumbles over a log after hearing Claire screaming. Ethan confronts him. The two men have sex, but the mysterious outsider gets the upper hand, he licks Jack and says that if he continues to stalk him, he will molest one of the hostages.

At a board meeting, Dr. Evil delivers his fruity statement while Jack looks on. The board reveals that the screwed over woman was possesed, which Dr. Evil admits to knowing.Jack stans up and confesses that his father was under the influence of bleech during the operation. This ends Dr. Evils career as a doctor for three minutes.

Kate soon comes to Jack's aid, and the pair follow Ethan's path until they come across a hobbit, blindfolded and hanging by his ear from a tree branch. They cut him down, and Jack furiously performs masturbation over Charlies body. Despite Kate's pleas that it's a weird way to help someone, Jack does not stop. Charlie eventually comes back to life.

At nightfall, with Jack, Kate, and Charlie back at the caves, Charlie reveals that it was Claire that Ethan had wanted all along. Bono and Locke are somewhere in the jungle having sex, when they discover a piece of tin foil embedded in the ground. The tin foil appears to be hollow, and they begin removing mud to find out what it is.

[edit] 12: "Whatever the STD"

While Kate and Sawyer have sex in a river, they find a locked case. Kate wants it but Sawyer won't let her have it. She whines and screams like a little girl, causing Sawyer to run away. At the beach, the tide is rising and will soon cause a tsunami. Shannon asks Bono what he and Locke do every day, and Bono replies that they have sex. Shannon says there are more important things to do, such as getting food. Bono goes emo and slits his wrists because his sister doesn't like him.

Sayid asks Shannon to help him translate Rousseau's sex magazine.

Sawyer tries to pick the lock on the case with a fork, but Michael tells him the only way to open it is with a spork.

In a flashback, Three masked men with guns attempt to rob a toy store. A fat guy called Jabba tries to disarm them but pops when one of the robbers shoots him. One of the thieves pulls Kate into a back room and begins to play scrabble with her, before hitting her.

Kate goes to Jack and says the suitcase contains toilet paper and it belonged to the president of Zimbabwe. Sayid gets angry with Shannon because her fingernails do not make any sense. Jack gives Sawyer an ultimatum: if he does not hand over the case, Jack will stop having sex with him. Fearing no sex would give him AIDS, Sawyer hands over the case.

At the caves, Jack and Kate open the case. There is toilet paper inside, and a banana, which Jack gives to Kate. She peels it and pulls out a sex toy. When pressured, Kate says it belonged to the man she loved and killed.

Rose tells Charlie that she believes her husband is a professional vampire slayer. Shannon recognizes Rousseau's sex magazine as "Jungle Bungle" (The most popular porn magazine on the island).

[edit] 13: "Vital Organs"

Bono sees that Shannon's relationship with Sayid is getting more personal. He tries to tell Sayid that he would be better off staying away from Shannon. Sayid agrees and begins to flirt with Bono instead. Hurley attempts to murder Locke for not bringing back any boar from their trips into the jungle. Kate shows Jack a drug den that Sun has started. At the hatch, Locke makes tooth paste and tells Bono it is aquafresh. Locke suggests that masturbating over the hatch will help them find the answer to opening it.

Bono tells Locke that he is tired of lying, and wants to tell Shannon about his secret love for Sayid. Locke knocks him unconscious with a bar of soap. Bono awakes to find himself tied up in an erotic position. Locke puts the aquafresh tooth paste onto Bono's head and leaves him there. Eventually, Bono is motivated to stand up by the sound of a clucking chicken and Shannon screaming.

Kate discovers that Sun speaks Mexican when the two are working in the drug den, and Sun asks her not to tell anyone. Locke finds Sayid trying to make sense of Rousseau's sex magazines, and gives him a compass to help. Bono rescues his sister and runs away with her from the approaching chicken.

In a flashback, Bono gets a circumsition to impress Shannon, but fails miserably. Eventually Bono rapes her because he loves her.

Bono and Shannon are attacked once more, and they get split up. He later finds her slightly scratched body by a creek and watches her die. That night Bono returns to the camp and tries to kill Locke (ROFL like he could). Locke reveals that the tooth paste caused Bono to have a vision and also should have given him a homosexual fantasy. Bono gets happy first, then a vision of Locke naked doing something inappropriate with his knife flashes before his eyes.

[edit] 14: "Walt Is A 'Special' Boy"

Locke starts to teach Walt how to be a serial killer with a knife, which angers Michael. He confronts Locke, threatening to "bust a cap" in his ass if he goes near his son again. Eventually, Walt tells his dad that he is going to get some water and runs away with his girlfriend Vincent on a motorbike. Michael accuses Locke of this, and shoots him point blank in the ass, almost crippling him. Michael realizes Walt isn't with Locke, and they both begin to look for him. They eventually find him in some bamboo grass, shitting himself because of a crazy colony of ants which is attacking him. Michael risks his life, jumping into the pile of ants heroically, suffering their mild stings so Walt can escape.

Flashbacks also reveal that Walt once spent time in a mental hospital, after claiming the moon talked to him so he killed it with his mind.

Whilst this happened Charlie sneakily read Claire's diary, which claimed he was an annoying hobbit who kept following her around. The episode ends on a huge cliffhanger, when Bono pees in a bush and it shouts at him. He peaks into the bush to see Claire with urine drenching over her head, smiling.

[edit] 15: "Hobbit Coming"

Locke brings Claire back to camp, where she comes to her senses. She does not remember any of her fellow survivors or the crash or Charlie molesting her or any other events that occurred after high school. Charlie follows her around, telling her that the two of them used to play mommies and daddies before she was kidnapped. He gives her back her diary, telling her to ignore the white stains. Claire asks Charlie to go to the prom with her.

Jack is irritated by Claire's memory loss and suggests getting Sayid to interrogate her. Charlie is outraged at this suggestion and says that the best thing to do right now is to keep perving over her for a while. He follows Jin off into the jungle to ask for heroin, until Jin is shot and killed. Ethan emerges from the jungle and lifts Charlie with one finger. He tells Charlie to email him naked pictures of Claire, or he'll kill one of the survivors each day. Charlie figures that he will have to do something about this in the next thirty days, or main characters will start dying.

Locke hatches a fantastic plan, where the survivors guard the perimeter from Ethan. He designs a system where as soon as Ethan kills Bono, an alarm is triggered, so the rest of the camp can bundle Ethan and wedgie him. However, Ethan outsmarts them when he arrives at the beach by ferry and kills someone. Despite having never seen the victim before, Locke and the other survivors decide to bury him and make up a funny anecdote about his life.

Claire suddenly re-gains her memory and remembers that nobody likes her, because she has an annoying voice and never stops whining. For this reason, she chooses to take off her clothes and head back to Ethan, just the way he wanted. Jack, Locke, Sayid and Sawyer decide to follow her so they can get a really good look, then possibly kill Ethan if they get the chance too. Charlie wants to come, but the others decide against it, because he's still a knob.

They then see Ethan and happy slap him until Claire arrives. Claire is very upset because she didn't film it and Charlie won't Bluetooth her the file, so she tells him to back the hell off. Luckily, Charlie bitch slaps Ethan with a gun and he dies, although he'll keep appearing over and over again, pretending hes important to the story.

Later on, Jacks says that Ethan had already been twated and there was no need for Charlie to lash out like that. Charlie says he just got a bit excited, because the hobbits never got to use guns in Lord of the Rings. Claire tells Charlie that for some odd reason, she remembers peanut butter. Charlie says that's because the two of them got naked in a bath of peanut butter. Claire also recalls heroin, which Charlie denies all knowledge of.

[edit] 16: "Inlaws"

Sawyer is in the middle of a nightmare where as a child, he was told by his mother to hide from a stranger. In the dream, his father pulls out a gun saying "I'll be back" and proceeds to shoot everything he sees including Sawyer's mother. He then proceeds to a surprise, the same bed that Sawyer is hiding under. While wondering what is at the bottom of those barrels, his finger slipped. Therefore shooting the gun and therefore technically killing himself. Sawyer wakes up to find the monster from The Lord of The Flies attacking his tent and running away with the trees. Taking something of little importance with it. Sawyer chases after the monster and loses him about halfway through. The Lord of The Flies suddenly appears in front of him and says, "It'll come back to you... Eventually."

A little bit later, Sawyer talks to Sayid about the person he saw in the forest some time before, and Sayid is concerned on why he should be listening to this. Sawyer begins to forget. In a flashback, Sawyer's "Associate" tells him that some guy named "Sawyer" ruined his life as child. He also tells him that he is now living in Australia under the name Siloa Viabous. Sawyer travels there with a gun and visits the Seafood restaurant where Siloa works. After a lengthy conversation, he has not been killed. Therefore wasting an enormous amount of money.

Back on the island, Sawyer suddenly becomes interested in finding out where the infamous monster lives so he can eat it for food. He recruits Kate to find it with him and the both then go off into the jungle to find it. While getting stoned half-way, Kate reveals to Sawyer that she has in fact actually killed something in her life, unlike a certain someone. When they both wake up, Sawyer finds that all his belongings have been ruined while Kate's are fine and untouched, Sawyer blames Kate for hiring the monster to ruin his stuff. Suddenly, Locke joins in the adventure for food and tells them that her sister died a long, long, long, time ago and something about the depression era. Then Locke talks about a dog that came into the house and slept on the sisters bed, Locke alluded to the fact that the dog is a possible reincarnation of her sister to apologize. Kate, Sawyer and the people watching the show dismiss this as illogical.

In a flashback. Sawyer, with an undeserved sense of accomplishment, goes to some Australian bar where by some chance he meets Jack's father. He then tells Sawyer that everybody dies sometime and why the Mets won't win, he then goes on and on about his son and how he is proud of him. Sawyer, no longer able to take any of Jack's Father praise of his son, He goes to kill Siloa and under one final breath, he says "I'm not the real Sawyer". Sawyer, believing it to be a lie, shoots him in the head. Then the Lord of The Flies appear telling Sawyer that this will haunt him for the rest of his life and telling him that "It'll come back to you... Eventually." The same phrase he hears 16 days later.

Sawyer then finds the boar but decided not to eat it. Locke in a last minute move decides to kill the boar and keep all to himself, taking the boar and heading back to wherever he lives around here. Sawyer gives the gun to Jack, losing every ounce of cool he's ever had. Jack, having all the firearms, locks it in a cage where something will eventually happen. Sawyer then tells Jack that "The Mets will never win a season, never. They suck donkey balls." Sawyer does not tell Jack that he met his father, willing that he forget the incident ever happened.

[edit] 17: "Huh?"

In what seems to be another mostly flashback episode, we see Jin visiting Sun's father to ask for her daughter's hand in marriage. This immediately turn into an appearance on Paik's Talk Show which degrades into a boring interview. During the menotinous 6 minutes, we learn that he loves restaurants, his father is deceased and that he would do anything for Sun. This boring, boring interview lead viewers of the show to tune to something else, leading Paik's Talk Show to Fade into obscurity.

Back on the island, Sun seems to be wearing an extremely revealing bikini. Before she can take it off however, network exec sent in Jin to push Sun into the sand in a cheap attempt to avoid FCC fines, they instantly get into an argument and Jin suddenly drags her to somewhere? Sun then falls into the sand yet again and Michael rushes to her aid to help her. Sun, blind from the sand in her eye, slaps Michael thinking that it was Jin. He stand there amazed as they are suddenly 2 feet away from each other, they both walk away from each other. Jin ask if there is a Love Triangle going on, to which he unfortunately says no.

In another flashback of little importance, They talk about a honeymoon.... Oh and they take management training. This likely contributes to the lack of content in this episode and the usage of flashbacks as Filler.

Sun apologizes to Michael for slapping him, Sun said it was to protect Michael, Sun also got a gift for Michael and said the word Michael 5 times.

Some flirting is between Shannon and Sayid is shown while Michael is working on the end of the series, Jack comes over and converses with Michael when suddenly network execs come out of nowhere. They approach Michael and tell him that only 4 people can go on the raft, therefore ending the theory of the raft ending the series, Jack then try to bribe the execs about having more then 4 spots when suddenly Sawyer buys a spot with the building materials he bought. Distracted, the network execs disappear into thin air. At night the raft appears to be on fire, all sings seemingly point to Jin and is further reinforced when Jin appears to be on fire. Sun then walks away, swearing never to speak to him again. While the Losties watch Sun walk away, the raft collapses, therefore delaying the end of the series.

In the next few scenes we see that Jin gets a promotion in a flashback. Mr. Paik is angry with Mr. Han and sends Jin out to remind him. Mr. Han gives Jin a puppy, Sayid sets up a date between Shannon and Bono and Sawyer brings Jin out on the beach in the morning.

Instantaneously, another flashback reveals that Sun prepared a dinner for Jin. While he was heading to the dinner, he is conveniently interrupted by a call from Mr. Paik, he is then reminded that the factories have been shut down and that the message needs to be resent. Jin along with an unknown companion goes to Mr. Han, that somebody reveals himself to be an assassin and before he could kill him, Jin uses his kung-fu to beat him up and by saying that the factories need to open and that he just saved his life, saves his job. This is immediately followed by Jin being slapped by Sun and Jin crying about what he had to do, followed by a comment by Sun about him being a pussy.

Back at the island, Michael and Jin are fighting when Sun defends Jin saying that his hands were burnt from touching fire, something cavemen learned in 400 B.C. The words Sun have said shocked everybody, mainly because of how comprehensive it was, also it was in English for those of you wondering. Locke then predicted that no survivor could of torched the raft.

The scene then cuts to two guys laughing in the bushes, it could be assumed that the network execs burned the wrath but it's just another myth. Michael then begins work on a new raft. A better one, Sun and Jin decide to start over in a romantic gesture, a similar flashback appears with Jin talking to his father about how ashamed he is about his family, his job, and his marital difficulties. His father then tells Jin that he and Sun should travel to America to start a new life, this decision would get them trapped on the island.

At the last few moments of the show, Shannon finally decides to stay with Sayid at the disgust of Bono and Locke ask Walt why he burned the raft. He said that "A bunch of people in suits gave me money." which confirms that network execs are evil and the next day, Hurley's CD player died while in the middle of some song, therefore ending the existence of the only CD player on the island, Sun decided to take a dip in the island and Jin & Michael proceed to rebuild the raft. Overall, a common day in the life of Losties.

[edit] 18: "Letters"

The episode begins proper with Hurley stealing some documents that Sayid found somewhere. In correspondence to Lost protocol, the document features the magical numbers that Hurley somehow used to win millions of bucks in an illegal black market lottery. Hurley sets out to find the magical numbers guy, Ignoring any signs of danger that were placed all around the camp.

In flashbacks, we see how Hurley won the lottery. By trying to force the numbers into the ticket, the computer was overloaded by the impossibility of the numbers and in a rare coincidence, named him the lottery winner. Over the coming weeks when Hurley wins the lottery. A series of unfortunate consequences starts happening to people close to him. This include his grandfather having something nobody cares about, His mother breaking some leg and himself being arrested for drug possession. He then visits a loony bin where he himself was instituted for being crazy and begins to talk to some stranger, after telling him that he's won the lottery. That stranger breaks about numbers being evil and such and is carried away for getting too close to Hurley. Hurley then goes to Australia to discover that some guy is dead. But in a non-island flashback-in-a-flashback, we discover that these 2 guys got together in a gay marriage and got a job listening to radio 24/7. Prior to a few years earlier, he picked up a 24/7 stream of somebody saying the magical numbers which caused him bad luck causing him to commit suicide.

Back on the island, Hurley discovers a mysterious cable that leads him through an unknown location in the ocean, up to the hills and into deep underground where a rope bridge is discovered. The rope appears to have traps along a cable, Hurley expresses no fear of traps and begins to cross the bridge avoiding all but one trap which almost killed him, thanks to an apparent good luck charm. Charlie then begins to cross when the bridge suddenly decides it's had enough of a junky and the bridge suddenly collapses on him. Hurley help Charlie up but leave Hurley alone to his journey to discover the magical numbers guy. Jack and Sayid meanwhile set off one of his traps and destroys some shelter. Sayid makes a remark about how he knew...

After Hurley and Charlie got shot at. Hurley them meets up with what finally appears to be the magical numbers guy, only it's discovered that he is a she and she pulls a gun out her. Hurley's determination to know what the numbers mean turns him to The Incredible Chunk and moves forward. She fires and after a few rounds and after realizing that Chunk is Indestructible, drops the gun and gives up. She then talks about how she got to island in which her ship was destroyed by the island, it took her crew months to discover the radio tower which was near the "Black Rock". When finding out that the rate per hour she was being paid to babysit these guys wasn't enough, she started killing them, one by one. After killing them, she changes the message into a call to their parents telling them to come pick her up at the island. They both come to the conclusion that the numbers were cursed and the reason that brought them together, they both hug. It is revealed in the conversation that her name is Rousseau.

Hurley then makes his way back to the group somehow, giving them a battery that powers what appears to be their escape from the show. Charlie then talks to Hurley about his drug addiction. Hurley then makes a remark which makes Charlie angry and the numbers are discovered to be engraved on a hatch somewhere.

[edit] 19: "Butt Sex Macarena"

Locke and Bono head out to the hatch yet again and still can't crack the code that opens the door, despite it being written on the side. Locke sets up a giant game of mousetrap, that he hopes will not only be fun but also help getting the hatch open. Bono loses and gets annoyed, saying that he's had enough of being Locke's bitch now and wants a new storyline that involves having sex with Shannon again.

Coincidentally, Bono later becomes the "sacrifice that the writers demanded". He and Locke find a plane that had crashed into a parachute and fallen to the island. Bono assumes that Locke is going to go and explore, but Locke says that he's just got comfortable and besides, it's Bono's turn to take on the dangerous mission. Bono climbs up into the plane, only to find that it is high on heroin and could therefore tumble over at any time. He uses the communication system to prank call someone, then realizes that the pilot is still alive. As the plane starts tripping out some more, the pilot tries to take off, but fails miserably and ends up crashing the plane into the ground. Locke is so concerned that he limits himself to a further ten minutes of sunbathing, before rushing into the wreckage.

He races back to camp with Bono on his shoulders. Jack tells Locke that this is in fact not Bono. Locke then realizes he has picked up the pilot by accident. He rushes back with the dying pilot and lays him down where he left him, then takes Bono's body back to camp. Jack says he may be able to bring Bono back from the dead, again. He asks if anyone has any former experience with miracles, but unfortunately Locke has already gone. This results in Jack once again masturbating over a dead body to bring it back to life.

Rose and Bernard randomly appear from nowhere and start having rampant monkey sex in the middle of the beach. Jack furiously masturbates over them both. This is probably to give them a storyline as nobody knows what their names are.

The episode ends with Locke trying to break into the hatch by hitting it with his hands. At this point, some viewers who watched very carefully noticed a small blooper. It was obviously decided that the scene was too dark and one of the lighting crew evidently increases the light intensity on Locke.

Also in this episode, we learn that Locke actually used to have hair. During this historic time, his mother's ex-milkman snatches his heart while he isn't looking, so this can be used in his heart transplant. Locke is devastated when he realizes.

Of course, the Locke storyline in this episode is only a subplot, because the real focus of the episode is Sawyer and Jack. Jack tries to help Sawyer lose his "bad boy" image by giving him a pair of spectacles.

[edit] 20: "Why You Shouldn't Kill"

Bono is in bad shape after skydiving into a cliff. It is revealed that his total body is a mess because his right leg is crushed. Kate is sent on a long and tiring journey to retrieve a pint of malt liquor from Sawyer. On her hard way back, she discovers that Claire is in the middle of some mythological birthing process.

Sayid sets up a dinner for Shannon in which Shannon tells Sayid that Bono is her hot brother and he wants to have sex with her.

Bono needs a specific blood transplant which is rare on the island. Charlie goes out to find the mysterious blood by annoying other survivors. When he returns he is unsuccessful as many of the people on the island never went to school. Jack at the last moment decides to transplant Bono with his mysterious unstable blood. Jack tries to use the environment to his advantage but finds Bono impervious to the environment. Sun at the last moment comes up with something and retrieves one of those bombs from Minesweeper. Using those pointy things, Bono begins to rise from the dead once again.

Jin, working on his exit strategy, hears Kate's yell and rushes to the gay couple. Despite him speaking Korean, Kate is somehow able to tell Jin to find Jack. Jin rushes to the E.R. only to find Jack stuck on one of the needles. Jack tells Jin to take Charlie to the couple and help them with the mysterious birthing process.

As Jack begins to look boring, Sun is somehow able to pull Jack away from the needles. Jack attempts to repair Bono's precious leg but is unable to repair it and becomes fatal unless it is brutally chopped off. Jack accidentally bumps into Michael and asks to find a way to cut off Bono's leg. Bono suddenly awakes from his 30 minute nap to tell Jack something, saying "Hey, you're not cutting off my leg. Get out of here before I get all physical on you."

Bono dies while revealing details about the day he and Locke discovered a mysterious hatch in the middle of the island, and how he was forced to keep it a secret. (Bono is no good at keeping secrets. after he and Locke stopped talking, Bono told the Losties about the hatch in every detail imaginable.) Claire gives birth to a boy and Jack looks for Locke claiming that he was assassinated without his consent.

Closing out the final few minutes of the show is a flashback that shows the events prior to Sarah's Wedding, a patient who was magically fixed by the Voodoo doctor Jack after she was injured in a common car accident. Jack is in the middle of a rant about his vows when his father surprises him by appearing out of nowhere, giving Jack tips on writing vows near a dangerous Pool. Jack's father goes on about him getting convicted for stalking and that he's not right for her. Jack thinks over the words that he said, and writes his vows in the nick of time for the Wedding, focusing on how he is a qualified voodoo doctor and miracle worker. The episode ends with a musical number set to gospel.

[edit] 21: "Why You Should Kill"

The episode begins at the caves where Shannon is mourning before Bono's memorable death. Sayid appears out of nowhere offering his Muslim faith for her. Meanwhile, Kate tracks down Jack and blames him for assassinating Bono but asks him to return. At the cemetery, a meritorious funeral is going on with food and music from The Beatles. After a few hours and an inspirational speech, the Losties begin to bury Bono and once his beautiful body is covered in dirt. At the funeral, Locke pleads for his life but Jack, being the self-ignorant bastard he is, ignores him and hits him in the face.

Afterwards, Jack tries to bribe Sayid, Sun, and Kate into thinking Locke is lying, but refuses their bribes and insist that Jack must die. Locke to god for forgiveness but to no avail, Shannon appears in front of Sayid and asks him if he could kill him.

Meanwhile, Charlie tells Claire that he should take care of his child while he lays down, even though she refuses, she is left no choice and gives Charlie the baby. Charlie runs into trouble when the baby's cry is in threat of waking up the monster, Charlie gets Hurley to sing one of Ekonomicz's singles but fails horribly. The baby manages to stop crying after seeing the baby react to Sawyer's beautiful voice.

Kate attempts to kill Jack, who insists that Locke needs to be killed. Realizing that they'd realize Jack would be gone for an extended length of time, Kate tranquilizes Jack, leaving Sayid free to kill Locke. Sayid arrives at Locke's hiding place and begins hurting Locke for answers, forcing Locke to show him the end of the series. As they walk to it, Sayid forces Locke to a wall and interrogates Sayid, who realizes that he can interrogate people. Upon arriving at the Plane that will end the series, the episode begins to escapade into a Tom & Jerry Episode. Sayid, using some sort of physic powers, tells Locke that he's holding a gun. Locke hands over the gun hoping that he would get away. Locke then reveals that he hit Sayid while trying to get on "Call For Help". Sayid, enraged that one of the Losties betrayed him, pulls the gun on Locke and threatens to shoot unless he tells him the secrets of the hatch. Locke, tells Sayid that Bono was talking about the hatches on the plane. A perfect lie.

Sayid returns to the beach and explains to Shannon that Locke did not kill Bono. This prompts Shannon to kill Locke himself, giving Sayid a pittance in the price of 1 penny each. Shannon then heads down to the hatch's gun store, grabs a gun and confronts Locke in a fearsome battle. Kate, Jack and Sayid arrive during the battle, but Shannon insists on killing Locke. With only a few minutes to go, Sayid kicks Shannon down just as she fires the gun, which damages Locke's hand.

In flashbacks, we learn that Sayid becomes a spy for the ASIS, CIA, NSA and a bunch of generic acronyms I don't know, anyway they ask him to infiltrate Al-Qaeda where one of his friends is a member. They explain in a complex manner that they know where Nadia is and Sayid instantly agrees. When Sayid discovers that Sydney is under attack, he convinces Essam to destroy Sydney. On the day of dawn, Sayid reveals that he's a spy and Essam kills himself after the announcement. After his death, the CIA gives Sayid Nadia's location and hands him a plane ticket. Sayid becomes interested about Essam's body and is told that it'll be burned if he leaves the area and as we all know, Muslims hate fire. Upon being told that he cannot make his flight, Sayid insists to change the flight to a different one so he could claim his body. This change in the flight schedule trapped Sayid on the island.

Later in the Night, Sayid thanks Locke, who is praised that he isn't evil. Sayid replies that Locke must survive as he is a badass. Later on, they both visit the hatch together.

[edit] 22: "Dancing in the Dark"

Charlie and Kate await fame and fortune from and oncoming plane which will rescue them, the plane disturbs Kate. After the group becomes concerned about the fate of the raft, Michael does a rush job on the raft and Kate bribes Michael for a spot on the raft. Sealing Kate's fate in a poorly made raft. Michael refuses, saying that he has enough money already and that every seat is booked. However, after a stern talking with Sawyer, Michael gives Kate a spot on the raft, which prompts Sawyer to confront Kate somewhere. Sawyer says that he knows why Kate wants a seat on the raft: to escape being captured by the island itself.

While working, Michael suddenly catches a mysterious island disease. Jack, having returned from a day of button pressing, examines Michael and discovers the cause of the illness. The mysterious water bottle. When he tells Michael, he plays the blame game and blames Sawyer. In short, Kate is commonly suspected, which leads Jack and Kate to confront each other and give a PA about drugs. At the same time, Walt explains to Locke that "he doesn't have any drugs". When Locke touches Walt, Walt activates his Token powers and tells Locke not to press the button.

Sawyer wakes up with Michael in a sexual position and insults him about his STD. Michael becomes angry with Sawyer and kicks him off the raft, riping his ticket in the progress. Sawyer decides "to hell with it." and reveals that Kate was in custody all along. Having a stolen passport to boot.

In flashbacks, it is revealed that Kate wore a wig, drove a car and stripped naked in a shower and had an alias. Kate returns home to discover her mother suddenly dieing, and meets up with Tom Brennan, her former boyfriend and now a certified PHD. The two then begin to dig up some sort of capsule. Among the items in the capsule were Tom's Boeing 777 Model and a VHS tape featuring the two having sex. Later, Kate is able to be alone with her mother, who begins to go into a seizure when she sees her. Forced to run, she runs into Tom, who gives her the car and join her as her accomplish. When the police sets up a roadblock, Kate tells Tom to leave but stubbornly refuses. As the police fire every round at the car using every gun imaginable, Kate uses the car to ram through the blockade. When the attempt fails, she sees that Tom has died from the police shooting nonchalantly. Left with no choice, Kate runs off into the sunset.

As the raft nears completion, Sun confesses to Jack about the poisoning attempt, explaining in great detail that she didn't want Jin to leave. Later, in a conversation with Kate. Sun swears not top tell anyone that Kate drugged Michael, in Korean.

That night, Kate and Sawyer say goodbye to one season on the island while Walt confesses to Michael that Walt was easily bribed. Walt says that he needed the money for steroids and growth drugs, Michael suddenly changes his mind and decides to stay, but Walt says that they have to leave... NOW!

[edit] 23: "Exorcist - Part 1"

In the morning, Rousseau appears on the beach to warn Losties that "Udders" are coming, and tells them her boring life story which no one wants to hear. She gave birth to a baby girl when she came to the island but the "Udders" strike back using a trail of white smoke, kidnapped her baby and raped her some good. The baby has not been seen since.

Work on the raft resumes, Walt notices white smoke in the distance. The Losties tell Rousseau about the hatch and their need to see what's inside, perhaps with dynamite. Rousseau then offers to take them to the ship known only as the Black Rock which was a French slave ship that was found on the island. It's history is shrouded in immense mystery.

In pre-flight flashbacks, several of the soon-to-be Losties are shown in the final hours "before" the flight. Early in the morning, Walt turns on a TV and sees the Power Rangers on it. When a deranged Michael wakes up, he asks walt to turn it off because he dislikes the Power Rangers for the overusage of the word "Power" and "Rangers". Walt throws a tantrum and attempts to flee the room but Vincent brings Walt back to Michael. Later in the day, Jack meets Cortez for the first time ever while Sawyer is told that he is being deported from Australia. Kate is handcuffed and handed over to Mars for the flight, and during a conversation. Mars slips up and reveals that he fooled Kate with a Boeing 777 model. When he says that the plane will be your grave, Kate attacks Mars but not before being subdued by her daughter Veronica Mars. Back at the check-in desk, Shannon waits for Bono to get first class through his gold credit card, when Sayid asks her to watch the bag. She agrees, but when Bono appears saying that his "credit has been declined". Shannon leaves the bag to chase after Bono, they both walk over to a security agent, telling them that a Muslim left a bomb in the middle of the floor. Meanwhile, Sun and Jin are having a romantic dinner with airport food, while Sun brings Jin hot coffee. Sun overhears comments from an American couple regarding Sun's submissiveness, she is rattled and spills the coffee on Jin's lap. Removing his ability to grow taller.

As the team heads toward the Black Rock, Arse, a filthy redshirt, is attacked by the monster, which Rousseau explains is a creature designed to kill anyone on the island.

As the raft prepares the series end, Sayid gives the team the common rescue gear while Charlie goes all old-skool with Messages in a Bottle. Sun says goodbye to Jin, handing him a copy of "How to Speak English for Dummies". This encourages Jin to say his final words and says that he wants to rescue her from the island and the only logical way that could be done is that if he could leave the island first. After their final farewells. The raft sets off for Fiji while over in the distance, the white smoke continues to rises to no extent.

[edit] 24: "Exorcist - Part 2"

After going to look for dynamite so that they can blow up Charlies guitar, Jack, Kate, Hurley and the fat doctor whos never been in it before find a big pirate boat thats crashed on the middle of the island. The French woman is playing dress up on the boat and tells them that its her boat and she wanted to see if she could make it swim on land with her team, but they said no so she killed them all.

The fat doctor decides to play catch with the dynamite, but because he has touched Hurley's back, his hands are wet and he explodes.

Meanwhile the token hot piece of male ass and his friend decide to go on a little adventure on the big blue thing they call to ocean. Jesus otherwise known as Jack tells them it is dangerous and there are big fishes that will eat you if they get the chance. Because the black guy thinks this is a racist comment, they go just to piss Jack off. They take the little kid Walt, just to use as a shield in case there really ARE fish in the ocean.

Hurley hears a bird say his name, but then before this can be answered, he eats it. He then proceeds to eat a bag of dynamite, blowing himself up.

Meanwhile the black guy, his human fish shield and there friend are sailing along the ocean arguing but mostly sailing, when all of a sudden they hear something and a big boat shows up.Its captain birds-eye. He wants Walt to be in his next commercial, so takes him and for no reason at all, blows up their boat.

Jack manages to staple Hurley back together, and they use the shine of Lockes head to create a fuse to blow up the hatch. When the dramatic music kicks in,and the hatch door blows up, the gang realize that there is ANOTHER door underneath it, with a code on it. Hurley, being fat, puts those numbers in that everyone bums and the hatch door flings open. Luckily, Hurley doesn't fall down, just gets stuck. TO BE CONTINUED

[edit] Season Two

[edit] 1: "Man At Seance, Man Who Fakes"

Season two opens the same way as season one, with the opening of Jack's eye. Immediately after this, the scene changes, to a man in a small apartment. He gets up from his bed and immediately browses the LOST nerd forums to see if there are any new theories as to who he might be. Next, he downloads a song from limewire and plays it - "Ich Will" by Rammstein. He then goes about his every day life; eating breakfast, showering, leaving for work, returning at 6pm, playing GTA: San Andreas on his PC, reading playboy, taking his Ferrari out for a spin and finally settling down to work out. However, he struggles with this and so injects himself with steroids to improve his performance. Finally, it turns out the island doesn't approve of the crappy music and turns it off. Desmond immediately goes and gets strapped up, in the hope that something interesting is about to happen.

At exactly the same time, Locke and Jack are peering down the hatch, arguing over who is about to go down and explore. Both decide that in all fairness it should be Hurley, but when they find out he can't fit through the hole, Kate is the second option. As Locke goes to find her, Jack returns to the other survivors to reassure them that the hatch is no good at all but he found the scripts for the rest of the episode and it is only Walt who is in any danger. At this point, Shannon loses Vincent for the 857th time. When she goes to look for him, Sayid sticks his foot out to trip her up, then runs off laughing. Shannon looks up to see Walt staring back at her. She shouts to him, but he has a soar throat so he can't answer her. Jin, Sawyer and Michael come out behind him and all four of them start to point at Shannon and have a jolly good laugh about what a great prankster Sayid is. She asks them what they're doing back. Michael hands Walt a throat sweet and Walt then explains to Shannon that the four of them aren't needed again until the next episode, so they thought they'd stop off at the island for a bit. After they leave, Sayid returns after realizing that Shannon didn't run after him and play kiss chase like he'd hoped. Shannon tells him what just happened, to which Sayid replies "LOL".

Meanwhile, Locke takes Kate to the hatch and forces her down it. As she nears the bottom, a rift gate opens and Kate passes through it, ending up in an apartment in Scotland. Locke hears sexual noises coming from the hatch, then puts two and two together and decides he wants in on the action, so he dives headfirst down the hatch, with faith that he won't die because the island is madly in love with him. After Locke has headed towards the orgy, Jack arrives at the hatch and hears the same sounds, then decides he needs to go down there and put a stop to it, so the four of them can all sit around acting depressed and talking about the serious events that are occurring on the island (for a change). When he gets there, he walks over to the computer is about to do the pedestrian riot cheat on San Andreas, when Locke advises him not to because you can't turn it off once you do. The hatch's resident - Desmond - then approaches Locke with a feather duster and threatens to tickle him silly if Jack doesn't back off. Jack recognizes Desmond after Desmond refers to him as "brotha" - Jack remembers that he grew up with Desmond because of the two of them in fact have the same parents. The two hadn't spoken since Desmond cheated to beat him in a race several years back.

[edit] 2: "A Douche"

Sawyer, Jin and Michael all find themselves doing mushroom-floats in the middle of the ocean, because Walt has just chosen to burn the cruise ship down for the second time. Jin promptly begins to swim back to the island using doggie-paddle, whilst Sawyer and Michael make a mini-hovercraft out of the ship's remains. Michael shouts for Walt 649 times, receiving only 112 responses. On the odd occasion in which Walt replies, Michael continues to shout for Walt, simply because it turns him on. Lost has clearly parodied Titanic in this scene.

Meanwhile, back at the hatch, Locke enters and for stealth purposes, removes all of his clothes. He turns a corner and sees Kate having sex with Desmond, who is disgusted at Locke being naked. At this point, Desmond becomes suspicious, which in turn puts Kate off. In order to re-lighten the mood, Desmond tells a light-hearted classic about two snowmen, but Locke kills the joke by not knowing the punchline. Desmond then makes a sexist joke with sexual innuendo, that offends Kate and ruins his chances altogether.

Desmond flips out and points a gun at both Locke and Kate, then demands that Kate tie Locke up in bondage and get kinky for him to watch. Locke explains that HE is the sexy beast and Kate prefers being the slave. Kate protests, causing Locke to viciously beat her and throw her through a door, which he then bolts. Kate switches on the light to reveal the island's underground Wal-Mart, from which she buys candy.

Desmond tells Locke to sit at the computer and reach the "Hot Coffee" section of San Andreas, thus completing the research that this hatch was designed for. During the hacking process, Locke makes a mistake, leaving the game in a situation where the health cheat must be entered every 108 minutes in order to prevent CJ from dying before Desmond can save the game.

Michael has flashbacks to a considerably boring period of his life, in which very little happened. This spurs on his newfound sense of adventure and makes him more determined to get his boy back from the Udders, because it will keep him occupied and stop him from having such a boring life.

Back on the hovercraft, Michael and Sawyer encounter a blue whale, who has Dhesktop logos where his eyes should be. Sawyer takes a risk by swimming to Columbia in order to pick up some arms, then swims back and fills the whale full of holes, just before it engulfs Michael. Sawyer then takes the time to heal the bullet wounds he picked up in Columbia, pulling each one out, applying ointment and stitching each wound.

Eventually, the hovercraft sails back to the island. Sawyer looks at Michael, then refers to the island as "home", which Michael assumes to be a racist remark, considering the jungle-like nature of the island and proceeds to attack Sawyer. The two roll off the boat and continue to fight onto the beach, when Jin runs out from the trees wearing a full prison uniform, dragging a ball and chain. He breaks up the fight and repeats the word "others". Michael and Sawyer both agree that Jin is right and they should think of the other survivors before they go starting meaningless fights with one another. As the three men hug and begin to conga around the beach, a member of the native tribe becomes angered, because the conga is a forbidden dance according to his beliefs. He rushes over and promptly kills all three characters, before carting them off as sacrifices. Due to popular demand, the deaths of the characters in this episode are overturned in the next episode.

[edit] 3: "Inflamation"

Michael and Sawyer find Jin being chased by the Udders. Being the team that they are, they get knocked out and dragged to the pit.

At the compound, the fight between Jack, Desmond and Locke provides a distraction for Kate to knock Desmond out but not before destroying the computer. Desmond claims that flashing lights will blind them unless the computer is repaired. Kate heads off to find the only Muslim mechanic there is, Sayid.

Desmond explains that 3 years ago. His boat crashed while he was on "The Amazing Race". He then met some guy who got him to help in his sole duty: entering a code every 108 minutes. Desmond claims that "really loud music" will come if the code is not entered.

He then directs the audience to watch a short film narrated by non other than Oscar Wilde himself. The film describes a project called The Dhesktop Initiative, and explains that viewers must enter a magical code every 108 minutes for the next ∞ days, after which other people will come to repeat the tedious process, Jack believes that the code is a lie, while Locke believes the film.

Desmond attempts to turn on the computer, but when he fails. He screams like a girl and runs out on his duties.

Elsewhere, someone joins them in the pit where the gang is imprisoned. She says her name is Ana, an unknown survivor of Flight 815. We learn that she was in the rear section, which landed somewhere else other then the water. Sawyer tells her that he plans to kill the guard for a great escape. Ana grabs his gun and calls an Udder. She then gives the gun to the udder, therefore preventing any escape from happening.

In flashbacks, we learn that Locke was in A.A. where he recounts how his father made him drink. Afterwards, another member stood up saying that she was Helen, however, she's a different Helen then we're used to.

It is shown that the two has become involved after spending the night together. Helen wakes up to find Locke naked with his 6-pack abs, Locke claims that he is unfamiliar with this kind of bed. After going out to sit in his car, his father comes out of nowhere to remind him that stalking is bad, and to commonly tell him that he's not wanted here in a British manner.

Six months later, Helen is shown giving Locke a present: her key, under the condition that he stay at least 30 ft. away from his father. Locke agrees but falls back on his work after Hellen follows him and confronts him, saying that he is afraid to move away from his father and to move closer to her. She tells him that it is a leap of faith because his father appears everywhere.

Sayid repairs the computer just in time to enter the code, Locke tells Jack that he should push the button of belief. Jack refuses, but as the alarm sounds. Locke prays to god on why he won't press the button, and Jack responds by telling Locke why he prays to god. Locke tells him he's a Christan, but Jack needs to make a leap of faith to Locke. With only a split second to spare, Jack presses the button, therefore delaying PARTY TIME! for another day.

[edit] 4: "Everybody Hates "Everybody Loves Raymond" Puns"

The episode opens with MAJOR plot development, as Jin learns to speak English and a wild chicken is found on the island. However, the writers decide that this would be far too fast-paced for the show and scrap the idea, opting for the "it was all a dream" approach. Hurley wakes up to realize that all the events of the past three episodes were in fact, a dream.

Hurley is appointed as the new employee of the island's underground Wal-Mart. His fellow castaways ensure him that this connection between him and the stored food is completely unrelated to the fact he is the size of a small whale.

Claire reveals to Charlie that peanut butter makes her horny, so Charlie tells Hurley to sell him some peanut-butter flavoured condoms. However, takings are down and Hurley can't afford to lose any more stock, so he decides to blow up the entire shop and claim insurance money. Rose talks him out of it, telling him it would be quicker and easier if he just ate it all, which he then does.

Meanwhile, the writers finally decide what to do with Michael, Jin and Sawyer, so Ana-Lucia releases them from the pit. The noobs take them to the hotel where they've been staying, waiting to appear on the show. Bernard asks Michael if Rose is still alive and upon hearing that she is, he breaks down into tears, in the knowledge that he will never be free of the miserable old bag.

Jack decides to shave off all his body hair and spends the rest of the episode following Kate round trying to show her his "Magic Meat Bag". Kate responds by dropping sand in Jack's jap's eye whilst he is asleep, then arousing him by stroking his freshly shawn gonads. The resulting operation to remove sand from the inside of Jack's cock, utilising a cocktail umbrella found in the Wal-Mart, received over three complaints from viewers, all from Wisconsin.

[edit] 5: "Crap Bin"

In the hotel where the Tailies were living, Michael, Sawyer, and Jin wonder what the Tailies are going to do with them. When Michael asks if they're going to eat them, they reply that though that was their original plan, they'd rather all go back to the beach where the rest of the crash survivors are. While collecting food to prepare for this journey, Michael runs into the center of the island screaming "WAAAAAAAAALLLLLT!!!1!!", and Jin decides to go after him. The big African-African guy - who finally reveals his name to be Mr. Ekonomicz - comes with him, and gives him one of the hockey sticks they pulled off the creepy Canadian.

They soon pass by the body of BadGoodwin, who Ekonomicz confirms to be a dead Udder. Jin begins to realize they're taking a ride into a danger zone. A little later, Ekonomicz - trained to pick up slurs and go off the handle - hears the Udders coming and singing "We're off to fight the Injuns" from the 50s Peter Pan movie. While Jin has no problem with good ol' family racism, Ekonomicz makes him hide in the bushes with him. Sure enough, the Udders walk by dressed as Lost Boys, right down to the last one dragging a teddy bear.

Meanwhile on the beach, Sun has lost her wedding ring. When she tells Hurley she was with Vincent the dog earlier, he takes her to the dog crap silo that Vincent filled in just 2 days - with Hurley's help. After surface-diving in it for 5 hours, Hurley concludes the ring isn't in there. Jack then comes to console Sun - he says that he lost his wedding ring once, but it didn't matter because he married the wrong woman so the ring meant nothing right? Feel better? As a bonus consolation, he sends Sun the next best choice for marital advice - Kate. Kate soon stops listening to Sun's woes when she learns they found the message bottle. She quickly digs it up and reads the messages because that's what Sawyer would have done. Luckily, Sun finds her ring with the bottle.

Jin and Ekonomicz eventually track down Michael, who has passed out by a waterfall due to screaming himself mute. They carry him back to the rest of the Tailies and conclude that it will take a few days before his voice recovers and he can go running into the jungle again.

[edit] 6: "Tossed in the Gutter"

Sayid leads Shannon to a little romantic shack he's made for her. When Shannon asks if it has an inside, Sayid replies by asking if she has an inside, and they go from there. When Sayid steps out for a bit, Shannon sees a vision of Walt again and starts to panic again. Naturally, no one believes her.

Meanwhile, the Tailies are making there way across the island, but Sawyer keeps slowing them down. When Libby takes a closer look at him, the Tailies all say "Holy shit! You've got a bullet wound in your shoulder! Jeez, why didn't you say something, maybe we wouldn't have kept punching you! C'mon let's carry you." When they get pretty close to the beach, they have to climb a small ridge, but Sawyer's stretcher slows them down. When they're almost at the top they hear a loud "Yoink!". They say "Yoink?", only to realize Cindy has been conscripted to Udder-school. She appears to have graduated with honours by Season 3.

Shannon decides to use Vincent to track down Walt. Sayid goes with her, saying she's crazy. This is hard on her, as she's been remembering through flashbacks how she's been held back from realizing her potential by people who are supposed to love her. So, she says to Sayid that she knows he's going to just leave her as soon as they get off the island. Sayid replies "Pretty much, yeah. See there's this girl in L.A....and there's like 17 years between us, but thanks for letting me draw you naked!" This makes Shannon completely lose it, so she runs off to get herself killed by Ana Lucia and end her sorry life. Sayid bawls over his loss of someone to fondle until they get off the island, and the episode ends with him staring at Ana Lucia thinking "You'll do."

[edit] 7: "The Udder 48 Gays"

When we find out that that lesbian and her pals also crashed on the island, we see how. Ana-Lucia is on the plane and suddenly breaks wind causing the plane to rip in half. Ana crashes onto the island and her lesbian instincts tell her to save all the girls. Luckily, a black man is saving some other people too. A psychotic Bi woman called Libby is saved and suddenly uses her special powers to realize a bald man off Angel is stuck in a tree. Later on, an adorable Stargate watching LGBT Canadian has his neck broken by a sentient copy of Gary Troup's Bad Twin novel. The silent black guy continues to give people knowing looks, and the big lezza promises to the whiney little kids (WHO BY THE WAY COULDN'T EVEN RECORD THEIR OWN DIALOGUE) that when they get off the island, she will add them on myspace. But its ok. They join the others. The Tailies manage to find a radio and pick up Bono's radio signal from the first season. Thus, if Bernard hadn't kept talking, Bono might have made it out of the plane in time. You murderer, Bernard. The blatantly evil Cindy also "dissapears" into "thin air" when the others approach, and the lesbian gets angry when Shannon rejects her, so she pops a cap in her ass

[edit] 8: "Circumcision"

Shannon is dead, via Ana Lucia. After the chaos settles down, Ekonomicz takes the wounded Sawyer to find Jack, and Jin leads everyone else to the beach. Ana and Sayid are left to play a drinking game where they try to outdo the other over which is more of a pathetic badass. By the end of it, apparently Ana Lucia had framed every murderer, robber, arsonist, and rapist she put away to cover up her own crimes, and Sayid was post-plastic surgery Osama bin Laden who had caused the plane crash.

Ekonomicz tracks down Jack and Kate and says that he needs him to save Sawyer's life....again. Jack rolls his eyes and begins working on Sawyer for the 17th time, while Kate is watching and breaking down. Jack begins to devise a plan in his head for making Sawyer have an "accident" - one where there will be no way to find out it was Jack's fault, so Sawyer will be very dead, and Kate will be there to comfort. Yesssss....... This naturally builds up his anger, so he loses it on the new guy asking what the hell happened (you'll recall a flashback of Jack's as a boy when he's beating up new kids in the schoolyard).

Michael stumbles upon Sun, and then tries to have a bit of a laugh. He acts all spooky and pretends to warn her that Jin is dead, everyone is dead hahahahaaaaa! Sun believes him and goes into a coma. He then carries her to Jack so he can revive her.

Jin eventually leads Libby and Bernard to the beach. The Losties are overjoyed to see Jin, as is Sun - so much so that they forget that no, they're no closer to being rescued. After all the Losties meet Libby and Bernard, and the two of them explain for 5 hours how they got there, there's a short pause after which Hurley says "Sooooooo, let me see if I understand this......your husband is white?"

[edit] 9: "Who Kate Did"

The episode begins with some minor stuff where Sun gives Jin a hug, Sayid digs a grave for Shannon and in the hatch. Jack watches over a tired Sawyer when he says "I banged Kate", stunning Jack and the entire audience.

While foraging for something edible. Kate is shocked to see the Headless Horseman's horse actually on the island. She returns to the hatch to have sex with Sawyer and the computer so that Jack can attend Shannon's burial. At the burial, Sayid tries to say something but overcome by his lack of proper English, he can only say "She loved me!" before heading twords something. Jack, Locke and some Udders continue by burying the body in sand.

At the hatch, Kate tells a recently laid Sawyer something amazing, she saw a horse outside. Sawyer attempts to speak Korean and as Kate gets a closer look, Sawyer grabs her and says, "Why did I even have sex with you?" Jack and Locke return to the hatch to find the alarm blaring, Sawyer naked and Kate surprisingly nowhere. With only a few seconds remaining, Locke forces the numbers into the computer.

Outside, Kate bumps into Charlie on purpose to ask her if he thinks he saw the Headless Horseman's horse. He replies by saying a common statement about the island but he says that the Headless Horseman didn't have a horse. Jack meets up with Kate and punishes her by giving her a fine spanking. In the confrontation, Kate says in a sexual tone. "I'm sorry if I'm not as sexy as you." Jack pulls Kate close and begins to undress her. Without warning, Kate kisses Jack passionately and then begins to strip naked. Before Jack can have sex however, Kate runs into the jungle leaving Jack alone and naked.

Sayid, going to Shannon's grave to place a necklace on the cross, discovers Kate in the nude. She apologized for missing the funeral, being nude and thinking that the Headless Horseman had a horse. When asked if he believed in Superstition. Sayid says that he saw Walt near Shannon when she was shot and asks if that makes him insane. Kate goes back to the hatch to see Sun caring for Sawyer.

Flashbacks explain Kate's sexy-crime. Kate is sitting on a porch playing with fire when her father arrives drunk. As Kate helps him, he complains that her daughter is not as drunk as him and takes a bottle to feed her precious beer. Kate then rides away from the house in a motorcycle where a moment later, an explosion engulfs the house and her father alive. She rides to an IHOP where her mother works. Kate confronts her mother about the explosion and she presented her with insurance. With noting that she will be "taken care of".

Later, Kate is trying to flee the country when she is arrested by Edward Mars. He says that Kate's mother is really, really suspicious.

On highway 108, Mars is driving Kate to Iowa. Suddenly, the Headless Horseman's horse appears in front of the car. Kate, looking out of place tells Mars to look out, after swerving into a tree, Mars gets stunned by an airbag and Kate uses her sleek sexy criminal skills to free her from her handcuffs. Kate then kicks out Mars from what appears to be her car now and drives away into the sunset. The horse then rides off into the darkness.

In the hatch. Locke uses bolt-cutters to free Jin from the handcuffs he's been wearing for sometime now. Michael asks Locke about the blast door in the ceiling, which Locke has not noticed. Locke shows off the "Orientation" film to Michael and Ekonomikz and explains that he's set up 6-hour shifts and demonstrates the anti-cheat measure installed in the keyboard. Michael begins to inspect the equipment which Locke looks on approvingly.

Later, Ekonomikz disses Locke and, after leading in with some story about Josiah which then reveals a book which contains a small reel of film. Locke begins to unroll part of the film and recognized Oscar Wilde from the film in a shower.

Kate then visits a recruiting station and meets Sam Austen. She tells Austen that she discovered that he's her stepfather and Wayne was her father and such. Sam reveals that he knew but hid afraid that Kate would taste blood for the first time. Kate then gets a one-hour head as the authorities close in on Kate.

Back in the hatch. Kate, believing that her father's ghost has possessed Sawyer, confesses that she killed him after finding out that he was a bad parent. It was too much to bear for her that the man who was a horrible parent would always be her dad and that she would not get a payout from the insurance. Following Kate's confession, Sawyer returns to normal after listening to the entire conversation. Kate is relived. She shows Sawyer around the most popular locations in the hatch before returning outside to prove that they are still on the island. As the two talk, the horse reappears. Kate then says to the horse "Thank you for saving my life." before disappearing into the jungle.

Ekonomikz and Locke fit the missing piece onto the main film reel. Locke is amazed that they found the missing piece, but Ekonomikz tells advises him to "confuse fate and misconception", followed by some random beatboxing. They then watch the missing section of the film in which the computer should only be used to prevent the Jukebox from going into "shuffle", and that MSN is banned from within the hatch. He also explains that people may be tempted to use a proxy to gain access to MSN in which such action could lead to another "party".

Meanwhile, Micheal is examine the computer equipment when he sees an MSN Messenger IM Window pop out of nowhere with the text "Hello?". Micheal then replies with "Hello". A moment later, someone replies "Who is this?", Michael then types in "This is Michael" and presses enter. "Dad?" then appears on screen, confirming that Walt has an MSN account. Michael replies "OMGWTF, WALT?" to which Walt replies "Lolz. Sup?" ending a search that has been on for many, many episodes.

[edit] 10: "The 23rd Palm Tree"

The episode begins with a flashback of Mr. Ekonomicz as a boy in Africa. He and his friends are playing, when their teachers come to give them the day's lesson on how to be a good person. They give a gun to Ekonomicz' brother and tell him to kill an old man, hoping to prove he can't do it, and that killing is wrong. Ekonomicz instead grabs the gun and kills the old man. He is then taken away to prison where he becomes a tough, greedy, murderous criminal.

On the island, Claire learns that Ekonomicz is religious, and asks if he would talk to Charlie, since Charlie is keeping 400 statues of the Virgin Mary in their tent. Ekonomicz then breaks open all the statues, revealing the heroin inside them. When Claire confronts Charlie, he says he didn't know. Nope, no idea what you're talking about. Ekonomicz then makes Charlie take him to the plane where he got them.

On the way, they have a deep discussion about how Charlie wanted to test himself whether he needed his Lord or his drugs more. Or rather, Charlie says several deep remarks to Ekonomicz and he says nothing in return. They soon meet the Smoke Monster Cerberus Type Security System Thing, which destroys 23 palm trees, and wants to kill Ekonomicz. It suddenly has to go the bathroom, so it leaves and says to Ekonomicz that if it ever sees him again he is fucking dead.

They eventually find the plane, which we have been learning through flashbacks was loaded with heroin by Ekonomicz, and that his brother's body is inside the plane. They then set fire to plane, but not before Ekonomicz gives Charlie 400 statues for the ones he broke. While the plane is burning, they have a vigil and sing "Personal Jesus", since Charlie brought his guitar and Ekonomicz brought his kickass African drums, yo. They then walk away and the plane blows up because Ekonomicz set fire to its gas tank, duh.

Also in the episode, Michael runs to the hatch because he just can't stay off MSN for more than a few hours. Jack heartfeltedly tries to console him and says they will get Walt as soon as it is feasible, but Michael doesn't listen to a word. The episode ends with Charlie taking his 400 new statues to put with the 400 more he had hidden in the jungle.

[edit] 11: "The Hunting Part-ae"

Jack finds John knocked out in the armoury, and Michael locks Jack in there with him and runs off screaming "WAAAAAALLLLLLLTTTTTT!!!!!1!!!1!!!", even though Jack clearly said last episode that it would be better to wait, think, and go out as a team. John comes to and worries that no one will be around to push the button. Fortunately, Kate and Sawyer show up. While Kate pushes the button, Sawyer asks them through the door if they know the combination. John replies "No."

Most of the episode centers around Sawyer trying combinations at random. When he finally gets the door open, John and Jack have resorted to drinking their own urine to survive. They finally set out to track Michael, but Jack tells Sawyer he should stay behind because he got Carpal Tunnel Syndrome opening the door. But, he persists and they eventually find a sign saying "Waited around for 3 days for you bozos to show up. We were going to give you a spooky monologue and threaten you with killing your girlfriend and stuff, but that was assuming that you were cool. Screw you. Oh, and we've used the time you've spent reading this to magically pickpocket your guns off of you."

The Part-ae heads back, and Michael's status is MIA. I.E. he'll have an on-island flashback episode later. Jack's flashbacks show how he overworked himself to make his hot wife leave him.

[edit] 12: "Steam"

The episode begins with a flashback where a young Charlie is given musical talent. His family wants him to use his newly found talent to save his family and get them out of the gutter, but his father appears, saying "He has no musical talent," and proceeds to cut the head off of a doll. The scene then changes to the island, where Charlie hears the sound of a baby inside of a piano, he then discovers that Aaron is in there. As the piano floats to sea, it becomes apparent that this is a dream. As he wakes up, he then rushes over to Aaron who is being taken care of by the island's nanny.

In another flashback, Charlie is seen in a Maternity Ward, where Karen has just given birth to Megan. Charlie and Liam's future band member, It is shown that Liam's drug usage has increased problems, he has skipped seeing her birth and he's interfering with the quality of the music, causing them to be called "SuckShaft". When Liam is thrown out of the band, he turns up on Charlie's doorstep, but sells his piano for his family, money for plane tickets to Australia and to enter rehab. Liam also promised his piano back if he let him back on the band, Charlie lets Liam back on the