Love
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Whoops! Were you looking for Sex?
“Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.”
~ Haddaway on What love is
“All you need is Love”
~ Beatles on What people need
“Love is the true answer, sex justs askes a lot of questions on the way.”
~ A sentimental daywalker
“I thought I was in love once. Turned out to be gas”
~ Oscar Wilde on love
“Love is something that gets in the way of sex. Women need to understand that time wasted "snuggling" them is time that could be spent humping them.”
~ King Diamond on Humping
“ "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in"”
~ You on your mom
"Love is like pee it never stops coming" Margret Willkonsondismartination
Love is a complex and unnecessary emotion. Everyone says they have it, but they dont.
Contents |
[edit] Rule No 1
First of all, according to the well-known sage and sister-twister Dee Snider love is actually for suckers, but according to that ho Pat Benatar, it's more of a battlefield.
Love Is the best form of FICTION! It is also (according to Devin Townsend of SYL) "...a way of feeling", but we seriously doubt that. Although sometimes love may be blind but
"Love is not THAT blind" by Adrian Sim Love is being stupid together. Love is all you need, but is still nowhere near as important as getting it on. It's nature's patented method of tricking people into reproducing themselves indefinitely for pleasure. Its other purposes are to waste time, money, effort, brain cells, and yogurt with a small nipple. Biologically, love is indistinguishable from eating large quantities of chocolate, then burning all your money. Y'know, a sort of pain-pleasure, euphoria-despair, wax-on-wax-off type thing.
Love will fuck you up. Seriously, don't fucking bother with it. In other words love is a slow form of suicide.
Scientologically, love is a derivative of lust, the impetus which causes a human such as yourself to seek certain traits another human has that s/he wishes s/he had before s/he ceased being a "finder" and became a "seeker," if you know what I mean.
Overall, love should be avoided at all costs, because, more often than not, it just sucks, and can inhibit all future plans for conquest, world domination, or further practice at achieving masturbatory greatness, as you can plainly see by every sappy love movie that shows an awesome evil character's perfectly good scheme for complete dictatorship of the world fall to ruins because some pretty girl made him see he had a heart or soul or some such nonsense.
Whether you be man, woman, hermaphrodite, eunuch or simply French, everyone feels love. It's only natural. Or something.
[edit] All you need is love
Note: This section's header has been scientechnically proven by the Beatles.
A man was sent into the Outback without water, food, clothes or shade. He was even regularly deprived of sunlight, to ensure any photosynthetic abilities he may have evolved were quenched. A helicopter circled him the entire time with an Asian woman hanging out, yelling "karrie Elizabeth Thomas Griffin loves you".
The subject survived almost three weeks. like ADOLF HITLER!
Scienticians believe that the repetition of the words blended together in such a way to sound like "I'll huff you". Of course that meant the subject was out of love, and everything else and thus he died.
It should be noted here that love responds to the wavelength of happiness. As such, being pissy is not the same as peeing. Usually.
[edit] Alternate meanings
Some followers of Shaq believe love is when they reach a size 12 shoe size.
Although some people would prefer to sniggle, the common activity associated with love is to wiggle.
In high school theatre departments, "love" is used to describe the relationship between Lea and Megan. We do not ask intimate questions about them, as asking such questions will result in certain castration.
In the game of tennis, "love" is the intense positive emotion one feels towards one's opponent when one has not scored any points.
During the act of sex, "love", especially when used in a sentence between the words "I" and "You" by one or more of the copulating partners generally means, "Oh, God, did I just say that?". It can also indicate: "I'm drunk and I can't remember your name."
The word "Love" in Kazakhstan means: To shit on your mother's face over a long period of time.
Please note that love is most often easily mistaken for the devil or Satan.
"Love" is also known in a good deal of dictionaries as "a hideous black hole of pain and suffering" that most people fall into sometime or another in their lives.
The word "Love" is often used by emos; unfortunately we have no idea what they mean by it as no one loves them or understands them, I'm sure that no one would notice or care if they just died now.
'Love' is also another term for 'Seamen'
"Definition: 'Love' is making a shot to the knees of a target 120 kilometers away using an Aratech sniper rifle with a tri-light scope. Statement: This definition, I am told, is subject to interpretation. Obviously, love is a matter of odds. Not many meatbags could make such a shot, and fewer would derive love from it. Yet for me, love is knowing your target, putting them in your targeting reticle, and together, achieving a singular purpose, against statistically long odds." HK-47 on Love
[edit] Crazy Love
Some people just go nuts over each other. Some have affairs. Some are just stupid and die single. See The Tinky Winkys for a little info on a affair on two oldies in a oldie peeps band. Anyway sometimes people think the rose will do the trick, oh see you next Christmas well get that shit out of your head cause your in for a hell of a ride! Woh, I never knew!
[edit] Desired characteristics
See articles for porn star and Barbie doll.
Human males (or lesbians) tend to look for certain traits in human females that appeal to them, such as watermelon-sized breasts, a basketball-sized butt, a balloon-shaped vagina and the classic hourglass thumbs.
Human females (or gay males), on the other hand, look for certain traits in human males such as natural beauty, a penis exceeding 7 inches in length and at least 3 Intergalactic bank accounts. The prime exhibitors of such traits are gay males and transgendered males (men who consider themselves aliens trapped in human bodies). Unfortunately these people exist in small numbers so the chances of finding true love are small.
To cut to the chase here, love really is all about sex. Yes, human males can get pregnant with the right training and a little luck. When someone says you have to love people like mums, embarrassing dads, and grannies, you are expected to copulate with them.
[edit] In chemistry
The substance L0VE, or anlithide vanadium ether, is the chemical from which the narcotic angst can be synthesized. The process is simple but dangerous. A sample of pure L0VE is simmered for two to four months until it turns unrequited. It is then mixed with hormones and shaken vigorously. The resulting solution may provoke tears and heart palpitations, but will settle down overnight. The most stable form of L0VE is in fact the equation Ha(TE).
Those who ingest angst are likely to to develop severe depression, commit suicide, or write really, really terrible poetry. As such, it is used frequently by assassins and jealous authors, the latter of whom might secretly drizzle some over a rival's breakfast and watch as his reputation diminishes to nothingness.[edit] Other uses of Love in Science
In 1946, Robert Oppenheimer conducted experiments in the Arizona desert testing the strength of love. As part of the Manhattan Project, the bonds of love were fissioned using the atomic bomb. The results were devastating. The love between a boy and his dog had the power to destroy all but the largest of countries with other purer and more powerful forms of love (between a man and his alcohol, an older man and a young child, two consenting adults and a fat kid and cake) capable of atomizing planets and even suns. The Russians were unable to acquire this new technology until the late sixties, where the vibes of "like cosmic and free love man" floated over the Atlantic from California.
[edit] Ignaczak
A long time ago, there was a page called Ignaczak, till some asshole deleted it. I come to tell you about his love. He loved Josi. He still does. He loves her eternally. His YouTube account is "maxlovesjosi". So there. Proof.
[edit] History
For thousands of years, it was assumed that love is blind, or at least incredibly nearsighted. Around the turn of the 20th century, however, Pakistani scientists confirmed that love is just horribly confused. They advised love to take intense therapy, which love completed in the summer of 1969. It is now completely cured of its muddled condition, to the great dismay of social nerds worldwide.
Four years later, it was said by singer Lover "Lovemaker" Lovenstein in his hit "Love that Lovin' Lovin'" that love is "the thing that makes [the singer] feel like a king". It is widely assumed that the original author of this treatise was, in fact, not a king.
Apart from this article, not a whole lot has been written about love since then.
“Love...three minutes of squelching noises...”
~ Unsatisfied Woman on Love
[edit] Things you love
- Boobies
- Nanna
- Your Mom not me though. i HATE HER. i wish she was dead!!!!!!!
- Cheese
- Tickle-Me Elmo
- Oscar Wilde
- Gravy
- hitler
- me
- yourself
- jewish people- no. wiat. your supposed to hate them! sorry.
- nazis
- drowing in mud
- water in a lagre dessert
- evil people
- lists of thing top love and hate
- Uncyclopedia
- The Idiotic Table of Chemical Elements no hate is more like is
- Fire
- Laughter
- Masturbation jk (Just Joking)
- You
- Me
- Him/Her
- Us
- Them
- It
- sex
- That guy who isn't your boyfriend (but who you let feel you up regularly anyway)
- Friends
- Your Family, well the members who give you money, anyway
- Killing
- Stinky Cheese
- Oral Sex
- hitlers eyes and legs
- That emo kid who treats you like crap
- emo people
- mom
- dots
- hate
- blinking
- love
- war
- WWW1, 2 AND THREE?
- having sex with hitler
- THis list
- good pople who truned evil
- the number 666
- the number 3, 33, 333 and aver forget... 13
- Friday the 13th
- Satan (you can't hide it, you know you do)
- Hot Pockets
- Dick
- Diet Coke,even though it will give you cancer and possibly Super AIDS
- Love
- hitler
- Dragon rape
- Fine ass cars
- Not Jews in fact, burn them ALL!
- Ice Cream
- Lamp
- Desk
- lampshades
- lamps
- Postminimalism
- Chocolate covered in cock(We knew it)
[edit] You Can't Do Anything Right
- Don't be single. Only pathetic trainspotters ever land in this position.
- Don't be someone's boy/girlfriend. The kids in the class will go "So 'n' so's got a boy/girlfriend" and that's embarrassing as shit.
- Don't marry. It'll all end in divorce, I know it.
- Don't be a divorcee. These people are poor and need to scrimp and save in order to get a new partner.
- Don't be a kid who's too immature to understand about love. In the 21st century, such relics no longer exist.
- Don't be one of those people who only ever get involved in casual sex, otherwise there's a Jeremy Kyle Show with your name on it.
- Don't live. All of the above will simultaneously apply to you.
- Don't die. No one likes a quitter.
- Exist. Otherwise you'll be a loner.
- Don't have been born. Everyone can do without you.
[edit] To conclude, chant with me:
- "Looove, loooove, looove".
- Drink some of this 2C-I-spiced wine.
- Chant for a while.
- Drink.
- Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
- Feel the rhythm.
- Oom, pa, pa.
- Not in love yet? Drink some more.
- Repeat until successful shaggatorial experience occurs.
- Rince. Feint. Ik!
[edit] See Also
Chaos═╤═Chaos ┌───┴───┐ Amor═╤═Gaea │ ┌───Oranos═╤═Gaea │ │ │ ┌────┴────┐ │ Zeus══╤══Kronos │ Chaos══╪══Mewtwo Aphrodite/Venus══╪══Oscar Wilde (see here) │ ┌─────────────┴────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ Clam │ Aphrodite════╪════Hermes │ │ │ ┌──Hermaphrodite ┌──────┬────────────┬─────┴───┬──────────────┬──────────────┤ ├───────────┐ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Sonic Zeus════╤════Hera══╤══This Guy═╤═J. Neutron═╤═Fairy Godmother Wyatt══╤══Poseidon │ │ │ │ │ │ ┌────────┬────────┴───┐ │ └────┐ │ Carl Sagan═══╤═══Anonymous │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Pacman══╤══Mr. Love══╤══Hermes ├───Antithe Tinkerbell God═════╤════Virgin Mary═══╤═══Chronos │ │ │ ├───Athe │ │ Mothra═╤═Oscar Wilde Peter Pan─────┼───Pan Original Jesus═══╤═══Mary Magdalene ┌───┴────┬──────┬─────┐ └───Peter Griffin │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ PS Man Cecil Gene Ray │ ...and we all know what happened next │ │ │ │ │ Godzilla═╤═Google │ Goa Tse═══════╤═══Your Mom │ │ │ Mozilla Firefox═╤═Mew ┌────┴─────┐ │ │ │ Mewtwo │ Transvesta │ │ │ Splenda═╤═Wilford Brimley │ │ ...And you... │ ┌────┴─────┐ │ Diabeetis Meow Mix cheating
