Ludwig van Beethoven
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“Yes.”
~ Beethoven, something he probably said.
“Ja.”
~ Beethoven, something more probable.
“AAAAAAA!”
~ Beethoven, The most likely thing he would've said with his constant anger
“ Hmm... I think this sounds good. I will just guess each note and hope it works. ”
~ Beethoven after his full deafness.
“Beeth-Oven?”
~ Ted Logan on Beethoven
Saint Ludwig Hercules Casper von Trapp Super Sayan Goku Nikolis Bismarck Thok Fortinbras Macbeth Aristotle Swartzanger van Beethoven was a composer, and the founder of Deaf Jam Records. His most significant and groundbreaking compositions include Für Elise, the demanding keyboard showpiece which is attempted only by outstanding piano virtuosos. He also wrote a Wellington's Victory symphony for two marching armies and artillery, fulfilling a commission to compose the second movement of Tchaikovsky's 1812 overture (completed in 1809). Beethoven's famous and influential tenth Symphony inspired many other composers to also compose ten symphonies or die trying. For example Gustav Mahler, shortly after his death in 1911, famously renamed his song cycle "Das Lied von der Erde" (literally, "I got laid amid the herd") as his ninth symphony so his final symphony would also be considered his tenth. Or something like that.
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[edit] Early Life
Beethoven (variously pronounced 'beef oven' or 'peashootin' and often going by the alias "B. The Oven") was born in Bonbon, Germany in 1770 B.C. ('Before Composers were any good'). His father, a clown in the Heidelberg Traveling Circus and the inventor of aerosol-propelled cheese, attempted to turn his son into a musical prodigy such as Prince, W.A. Mozart and The Learned Pig. The elder Beethoven failed miserably, chiefly because of Ludwig's inability to master even the basics of playing the didgeridoo, or doing the splits James Brown-style. In addition, the young Beethoven was discovered to have ears the size of peanuts, not good for the budding music student. He was permitted to play the musical spoons instead, and as a result Ludwig went on to compose many endless, soul-destroying musical works of varying decibel intensity, though they were mostly pretty danged loud.
[edit] Origin of Beethoven's surname
The precise origin of Beethoven's surname is not known for certain. There are, however, two primary theories in this area.
1) The most likely explaination for beethovens unusual surname is his fathers obsession with childrens entertainment. During a brief glitch in reality, the then Friedrich Himmel obtained a copy of the movie 'beethoven'. He was so enchanted by the moving story of a saint bernard willing to protect one family at all costs that he changed his name to Friedrich Beethoven and bred saint bernards until he ran out of money to feed them and was eaten by the dogs in a half starved rage. This should serve as a warning to all about the true danger of Childrens films as friedrich was abandoned by his wife due to his unhealthy obsession with his dogs and was forced to declare bankrupcy shortly before the end of his life.
2) Beethoven's family was originally a family composed of a long line of poop smiths. Their specialty? Beets. And so the surname Beet + hoven (Germanese for "gardener") came about. In fact, Beethoven Beets were some of the most renowned in the world at that time. Some of his decendents, having later immigrated to the United States, even shortened their last name to "Beet" due to the fame of Beethoven's family's favourite root vegetable in Europe. He is not, as speculated, however, related to any member of the popular 90's rock band the Beets.
3) The most controversial theory of all, the "masturbation theory" was propounded by Alfred Einstein, the cousin of Albert. According to Einstein the name derived from 'Beat-often', which was the nickname of one of the composers forebears, a notorious masturbator. The name 'stuck' and further, Beethoven's pianistic ability and strong wrists also derived from a long line of masturbating forebears. Einstein adduced as evidence concert reviews in the Viennese musical press which mention Beethoven 'dry-humping' the piano and rigging a piano so that mock-ejaculate would be sprayed onto the audience at the climax of a concerto.
While there is little evidence to support the first theory, it provides an excellent explanation for why Beethoven lost his sense of taste later in life. Loss of taste has been conclusively linked to excessive beet consumption in childhood.
The second theory also gives new meaning to the theory that Beethoven's father repeatedly "beet" him as a child, which would also explain this later loss of taste, and made him spend hours and hours planting beets until they were sowed and reaped to perfection. Dear God! No wonder Beethoven was such an angry and revolutionary person. Just ask his beloved nephew Karl. No, wait, he's dead, too. Well, no wonder.
The miracle is that, in spite of the culinary abuse which he suffered as a child, Beethoven still went on to become one of the greatest chili chefs in modern European history.
[edit] Beethoven: The Man & His Chili Recipe
At the age of 30, Ludwig realized that he would never get any taller than 5 feet 4 inches in height, and that he was slowly losing his ability to taste. For a composer, such conditions are baffling and led him to contemplate homicide. He considered roaming the streets of London's East End and dissecting prostitutes, but even he realized that this idea was at least 50 years ahead of its time, so he backed away slowly from the plan and put the knife down very, very carefully. Ultimately, he took a sojourn into the San Francisco Bay Area and wrote the famous "Rice-A-Roni Testament", where he indicates his intent to kill anyone who was able to taste fried rice dishes. In this document, he finds renewed energy and returns to Vienna a stronger, but no less deaf or angry, man.
In the years that followed, Beethoven composed more than 182 symphonies, 3 string quartets, and a collection of piano sonatas for three hands. His most famous symphony is the Symphony No. 3 "Erotica", About a lovestory between to gay men in bed, originally criticized for its excessive length. No pun intended. He also wrote that piano song you were wondering about.
He also perfected a Texas chili recipe that was to become the main ingredient in his "Ode To Beans" choral symphony of 1824. Not being able to taste food, he was still able to create a dish and musical accompaniment which to this day remains unmatched. An abridged version of this piece brought Beethoven's work back into the public eye in the mid-20th century after it was recorded for the A Clockwork Orange film soundtrack. It was performed by the seminal psychedelic band H.P. and the Jefferson Lovecrafts under the name "Little Shirly Beans." Too bad that phony Holden Caufield dropped the last copy of this record, as no copy survives to-day for the further betterment of world history.
[edit] The Death of Beethoven
Beethoven died on March 26, 1827, after choking on a parsnip which he was attempting to swallow whole, a result of one of the ever more desperate experiments he undertook in the hope of regaining his sense of taste.
It was said that, as the death rattle lodged in his throat, there was an unexpectedly sharp peal of thunder outside, strange for a cold winter's day, whereupon Beethoven opened his eyes, slowly and with great effort raised himself up in his deathbed, shook his fist at the ceiling and managed to shout out the words, "Stop moving your damnable furniture around, you dolts! Don't you know I'm dying down here?" Thus he died, and it was necessary to bring in a carpenter to cut a hole in the lid of his coffin to accommodate the raised fist.
Beethoven was survived by his five bastard children, his sister Brunhilde, and cousin Zeke. Over 200,000 people attended his funeral, however most were given the wrong invitation, which read as a chili cookoff. Although the mood of the funeral was somber, the food was excellent.
[edit] Beethoven's Diabolical Variations
“My music is music about music.”
~ Beethoven on Making no sense
This remarkable composition, which is never played when it can be avoided, consists of various variable variations upon a variety of variegated variants. Originally written in invisible ink (for reasons pertaining to copyright law), it has been recorded by such keyboard masters as accordianist Wilhelmina Pirogi and concertinist Luigi Volpone. Critics are unanimous whenever this work is thrown up at a dinner party. However, he was resurrected in the 1980s to take part in a NASA program that would forever change the future of mankind.
Did we mention he was deaf and angry?
[edit] Works
- Symphonies
- Symphony no. 1 in C major - Beta version Op. 0,21
- Symphony no. 2 in D major - DAMN WHY DID I LISTEN TO MOZART ON THIS ONE!
- Symphony no. 3 in E-flat major - Erotica Angry or Horny?
- Symphony no. 4 in B-flat major - AAAAAAAAA!
- Symphony no. 5 in C minor - Duh duh duh duuuuhhhh!.
- Symphony no. 6 in F major - Cow Patties It makes you want to kill people.
- Symphony no. 7 in A major - FULL OF RAGE and some clocks!
- Symphony no. 8 in F major - If he doesn't stop that violin, I'll shove it down his throat!
- Symphony no. 9 in D minor - That one with that choir singing that song Which Beethoven had to fix with pliers and all music teachers regret him composing.
- Concerti
- Piano Concerto No. 1 in C major - C Major Run Some More
- Piano Concerto No. 2 in B-flat major
- Piano Concerto No. 3 in C minor - Mozart wrote it first, but surely nobody will notice
- Piano Concerto No. 4 in G major
- Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major - The Emperor
- Piano Concerto No. 6 in D major - Darth Vader
- Violin Concerto in D major - Darth Vader Strikes Back
- Triple Concerto in C major - Darth Vader, the Emperor, and Yoda
- Opera, Fiorello!
- Random Orchestral
- Corelware Overture
- Melmac Overture
- Egg Mont Overture
- BATTLE SYMPHONY "for Imperial french forces and British army Obligato"
- King Stephanie Overture
- Angry Overture
- Incredibly Pissed Off Overture
- Ode to Anger
- Deaf Man's Bitter Shrieks in C Sharp Minor
- Song, Lo, Joyously I Pour My Bath Water upon My Neighbors Below
- Song, Immortal Beloved, Actually I Just Made You Up
- Song, Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Gone to to Alienate Everyone
- Sonatas
- No. 8 in C minor, "Pathetic"
- No. 12 in A-flat major, "Venereal March" (Composed shortly after his diagnosis with syphilis)
- No. 14 in C-sharp minor, "Moonshine"
- No. 15 in D major, "Pastor Al" (Dedicated to his favourite clergyman, off whom he caught the syphilis as a young boy)
- No. 17 in D minor, "The Fat Pest" (Dedicated to Giulietta Guicciardi)
- No. 21 in C major, "Walnut"
- No. 23 in F minor, "A Passion-fruit Starter" (Composed in the middle of his favourite restaurant)
- No. 29 in B-flat major, "M.C. Hammer the Klavier"
- Rage over lost shopping
[edit] See Also
| Decomposed German Composers |
| Johann Sebastian Bach | Ludwig van Beethoven | Johannes Brahms | Paul Hindemith | Gustav Mahler | Felix Mendelssohn | Robert Schumann | Richard Strauss | Richard Wagner |
