Super Mario Brothers
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“Our discussions of fine spaghetti and eating mushrooms were luminous and inspiring.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Super Mario Brothers
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A legend is born...
The original heroes of Italy were born in a cave between 1954 and 1963. They were forced to eat nuts and berries until they were 13 years old. They planned to move into the city. However, growing up in the blistering heat of the wild caused them to stumble down a pipe into Super Mario World. After falling 20 miles down the pipe they landed on top of Teenage Bowser. Bowser immediately got angry and ripped his pants. He has still not forgiven them. One such incident led to the catastrophic flooding of Venice, submerging (to the horror of many having a quiet afternoon siesta) every pizzeria in the city. Much mozarella was lost forever. For this unforgivable act of plumber negligence the 2 young heroes were paraded in poofy red and green overalls while onlookers shouted 'Mamma mia! you-a looka gay-a to-a me-a!' But this punishment did not satisfy Al Pacino (moonlighting as a Milanese cocktail waiter) as his Pizza with olives, prosciutto and other yummy italian food had floated into the hands of Robert de Niro. Mr de Niro had laughed as he munched on the soggy, scrumtious snack. Al wept. And thus, with the snap of his index finger ('mah leetle fwend') Pacino exiled the fratelli Mario into a 1980's 2-dimensional platform game. The vivid colours and cheesey sound-bites proved too much for the younger of the siblings, Luigi, who promptly devoured his own moustache. His screams of 'Jaysus you freaking idiots! I can't jump the freaking gap unless I'm on the freaking moving platfo....oh sheeeeet!!!' still haunt his nightmares.
Rivalry
In the 1970's they were gay, while shopping for milk they had sex, famed superfriend Chuck Norris met Luigi Mario and a "hustle" insued. While there are many conflicting reports of this fateful exchange, most super-rivalvary experts agree that the following exchange, first published in Newsweek before it was controlled by Darth Vader, is a good approximation:
Luigi: Chucka Norrisa you area biga stupidcookieafacea. Chuck Norris: Who are you calling a cookie face popsicle stick? Luigi: I takea offensa to thata. I looka nothing like a popsiclea sticka! Nowa we musta rumble!
After Luigi unsuccessfully tried to jump on Chuck Norris' head, Luigi was thoroughly dominated by Chuck Norris' superior kung fu skill. Norris proceeded to swallow Luigi and promptly shit him out afterwords. Shortly after Luigi gave birth to a small, bearded Italian/American. Although Luigi still denies the birth ever occured, it is highly likely that baby mario is in fact a baby "Luigi" This sent shock waves through the Toad Stool Kingdom and an intense rivalry between the Super Mario Bros. and the Superfriends has existed ever since. A gorrila faction emerged out of the Toad Stool Kingdom which was created by peasants still loyal to the Superfriends.
Alleged History
Oliver Stone was rumored to be making a movie based upon what he believed to be the true history of the Mario Brothers, or as he called them, the "most shameless exhibitionists since Michael and Ron Jeremy." Stone then noted that Ron and Mario were surprisingly similar, and he noted the coincidence as "eerie". Hist story, however, is the following. A bunch of green dinosaurs named Yoshi (although ,"apparently" some Yoshi's were other colors) were all minding their own business when a diaper clad Mario fell from the sky, apparently victim of attack by the nefarious Kamek, a Magikoopa. The Yoshis all began sticking their tongue's out and making cute whistling noises, wondering what the fuck to do. Suddenly, Mario climbed onto a Yoshi's back, believing the saddle that just happens to grow on Yoshis to be some sort of nipple. Realizing the young Mario's yearning for tit, Yoshi bounded off with his friends to find this supposed magical thing that was beyond imagination. They soon learned from a local pirhana plant (smacking his lips), that he had just had some delicious tit over at Bowser's place, as he was also a young lad in need of it. They reached the palace, and found Bowser with Princess Peach, a young voluptuous woman who Stone says is the father of Scarlett Johanssen. Yoshi helped Mario steal Princess Peach for himself, Bowser was pissed, and Mario spent the whole afternoon nourishing himself.
This history would repeatedly repeat itself, as Bowser would steal back the princess, usually by force, and attempt to ravish her in any way he pleased. Bowser would usually be in some elaborate realm of castles or horizontal worlds (he had hundreds of slave koopas), and Mario, sometimes with the aid of Yoshi and secret Princess-Peach-lover Luigi (his brother), among others like the stoner Toad. Many times stoner Toad reached the princess before Mario, somehow, and would promptly annoy Mario by repeating "I'm sorry Mario, but your princess is in another castle" between hookah puffs. To this day no one ever knew where princess was, wait does anyone really care anymore?
After this Stone becomes rather vague, and this is where critics really hammer him. Apparently at one point Mario and Bowser teamed up to save Princess Peach from some dude named Smithy. Mario and Bowser repeatedly deny this, and every time it is mentioned Mario starts super punching or hammering people, and Bowser spews fiery breath. Oliver Stone heartily recounts losing his hair to one of these spews.
