Lurgan
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“It's lash!...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lurgan
“Who is rich? He that is content? Who is that? Nobody.”
~ Benjamin Franklin on D.L.A. 1706 - 1790
“Weeker!”
~ Davy on Lurgan Social Security Office
Lurgan, also known locally as An Lorgain (Irish Gaelic meaning seething cesspit) or Lorgin, like in the Lurgano language. is a small market town situated near the southern shores of Lough Neagh, in Northern Ireland. It was built in 446BC when the Portadown Orange men decided to set up camp in protest of the blockades (livestock) set up along their traditional routes through the fields. It lies 16 nautical miles from Belfast, and 2 from Craigavon.
People from Lurgan are commonly regarded as either alcoholic benefit claimers or complete hooligans and thugs.
[edit] Points of factual Interest about Lurgan
- The local hospital, St.Buckphaste's, has the only A&E unit in the world which only opens on Friday and Saturday nights. At other times, the ill must make their way to the Sir Jack Daniels Hospital, in nearby Craigavon.
- At the Sydney Olympics in 2000, 99.3% of the male population came home with Gold medals for the "Domestic abuse against a female, while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, because she didn't get you that beer" category.
- In 1994, the Lurgan Park Lake, like nearby Craigavon Lake was drained of all water and filled with Buckfast.
- Lurgan Park Lake was blessed by a Roman Catholic Pope visiting the town many years ago, hence the healing powers of the water as 90% of those who walk around it are registered disabled (Getting D.L.A.) and according to the Social Security Office register, can't walk !
- The numerous G.P. clinics in Lurgan are referred to as "The Soft Touch Banking Companies"; all you do is go in, cry or moan and walk out with a sick certificate, completed D.L.A. form and housing benefit. The Lurgan G.P.s' give more away than the Northern Rock.
- Centre of kitten huffing excellence situated in Town Centre
- The local dialect of Lurgano is one of the official languages of the European Union.
- Twinned with Beirut, Chernobyl, Kandahar, Baghdad and Paris.
- Thought to be the hiding place of Osama Bin Lurgan, Lord Lucan, Shergar, and Captain Hook
- In a 2008 survey, it was found that the average 14 year old Lurgan girl has had 3 children, 2 abortions, 4 council flats and around £700,000 in claimed benefits
- Home town of the legendary greyhound, Master McGrath which was subsequently given a feed of spuds, lost a few races and was shot out the back of McMullens bar (Hence the name)
- Every vagabond in Ireland has indeed lived in North Lurgan at a time and also has claimed to have defecated at the back of Toymaster
- Tinkers love Lurgan as there is plenty to steal and rob.
- The most popular profession school kids want to pursue is Living of Benefits. The CCEA are planning to create a GCSE in the subject.
[edit] Famous Local people (Lurganites)
- Hometown of Eric "Three Legs" Boston, Home Address: Father Joe's
- Eric Boston's granny played the role of "Doris" in the film "How Green was my Valley".
- Birth place of Dennis Doran seller of na.ils and various hardware.
- Dessie Heaney, a smiling shopkeeper ( credited with the invention of the once popular space battons)
- Local Man Patrick Breslin has also a charm for curing piles.
- A good selection of quality bras are available for sale in the Foresters every Monday morning, also an excellent section of farts from Frankie McCann.
- Lurgan is also the current residence of Willy "The Tramp" Von Trampe Esq., famous for his research in the fields of electro-physics and nuclear fission.
- Mr Look Care (frequently misspelt) of Ballymacateer (Irish for settlement of the hallions). Said to have pioneered the concept of the Collar Bone, Kebab House and Off-License.
- N.B. ledgend has it that willy the tramp was once found dead, upon bartering an agreement with satan for one chance to make his mark on lurgan, he was returned. It is rumored he has since signed for the flumps and will make his summer league debut in 2008. He has sinced shaved for the first time since 1974, great things are now expected of him. This story featued in the lurgan mail for 3 consecutive weeks and saw the paper gain its highest circulation ever. 37 copies were sold over the 2 week period. This reflects 94% of lurgans literate population. The oral tradition is still hugely popular in lurgan
[edit] The Irish National Foresters Hall (INF)
Oxford Island is three and a quarter miles from the Foresters. A popular entertainment resort renowned for dancing and gaiety. There is dancing here three nights a week and there is also a Sunday lunchtime ball with dancing commencing at 12.00noon. This is known as "The Ugly Bugs Ball" due to the females it attracts. Another popular venue of entertainment for the more mature, is The Mechanics Institute, with a fine selection of old boilers.
[edit] 2001 Census
Lurgan is classified as a town by the NI Statistics and Research Agency (NISRA) On Census day (29 April 2001) there were loads of people living in Lurgan. Of these:
- 200.2% were delighted to hear they had an uncyclopedia page while the nearby Portadown (Lurgano: dordy Pordydown) didn't.
- 52.7% were aged under 16 and sexually active and 14.6% were aged 60 and over
- 50.2% of the population were male and 49.8% were female
- 91.0% were from a drunken abusive background and 9.0% were from a different town
- 88.9% of people aged 16-74 were unemployed
- 88.9% of people were claiming job seekers and such related benefits
- 87.6% of people 10-16 were substituted milk for Buckfast Tonic Wine with cereal.
- 0.2% of people under 25 have received 1 or more A* - C grades at GCSE.
- 0.3% of people under 25 have actually sat G.C.S.E. Examinations
- 0.001% of people of all ages have heard of A-Levels and/or Degrees
- In the 2001 census, the most popular pastimes of the under-18 population of Lurgan; were drinking Buckfast Tonic Wine down an alleyway (e.g. Moores Lane), raking through council estates with quads/scramblers, causing as much damage as possible and, of course, burning down anything, anywhere, anytime and at any place. (This is even more popular in nearby Craigavon).
[edit] Disability Living Allowance
Lurgan is a town with a sizable population.
- 4 out of 10 who live there are receiving D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance).
- 14 out of 23 families are receiving Tax Credits or income Support. 3 in 10 are in full time employment.
If you walk along Lurgan's main street (Market Street) on any week-day, you will meet several small packs of overweight young women with pushchairs wearing white t-shirts and blue tracksuit bottoms bearing a white strip down the sides, returning from their G.P. Surgery brandishing a number of prescriptions for medication which they will never take, although it keeps them right if they ever get a sick board. They gather in one of the numerous coffee shops dotted around the town to discuss what benefits they can claim. Or to advise newcomers to the profession what they are entitled to claim for, such as the correct dosage of undiluted orange juice to give to a child prior to a doctor's visit, in order to claim for the ever popular hyperactivity allowance.
[edit] Disability Living Allowance: Cars
Anyone who walks on two legs in Lurgan is entitled to a free car (to value £850,000) through DLA, favorite models include Bugatti Veyrons, Rolls Royce and Hummer H2s. The government is adds an extra £100,000 to the allowance for every child the person has.
- 9 out of 16 DLA claimants can be eternally found in the local Rolls Royce dealership (Howard Abraham), asking for a larger car or enquiring about state-funded engine tuning, that will allow their new Silver Phantom to achieve 356mph on the Portadown Road on a Saturday night.
- 15 out of the 20 Rolls Royce Silver Phantoms can be found on a Sunday morning, either burnt out on Pollock Drive or at the bottom of the Park lake (with the 12-year old occupants still inside).
The claimants with 10+ children may purchase a 53 seater Scania Coach. Only 3,400 Lurgan mothers have claimed this. Craigavon and Banbridge Health and Social Services Board are slightly disappointed with the result.
[edit] The Town
Lurgan was a Victorian market town, many examples of fine Victorian architecture still exist today under the brightly coloured plastic shop sights amid a central display of twisted metal placed in the once car parking spaces. The skyline displays a fine selection of church spires and a McDonalds sign in Edward Street which is visible from all areas of the town. This outlet received planning permission for its access road to come out onto a line of traffic waiting at traffic lights, something unique in Ireland.
[edit] The Women of Lurgan
- Lurgan Women are unique and a class of their own. European make-up manufacturers sell more of their products in Lurgan than in any other town or city in the world.
Lurgan women fall into four classes:
- The first is the teenage mum, who wants her own house, mad parties, a string of male callers and £2,000 a month on benefits.
- The second is the married women who want people to view them as respectable, so they go for weekends in Edinburgh, Dublin, Liverpool and Dundalk as groups, and hump their ends off with local willing males. They return home by minibus on Sunday and tell their husbands that they missed them.
- The third group is the most popular. The separated Lurgan woman. She will generally live in a decent housing area, have a few kids, sometimes to the same father. She will have blonde hair, loads of make up and won't work. These tend to be the most popular model if you fancy a bit of jockeying, or something to supply a bed and extra rations. The down side to this is, when you go to leave the next morning, you have to wait and get introduced to a load of children sitting playing computer games, fighting over cereal or kick-boxing each other. 'Mummy' always stands smiling and introduces you as "Her friend".
- Lastly there is the "Old Boiler" these old tarts have been around the course more times than a greyhound. They go from Fa' Joe's, to the Fawsters and then to the Railway Bar. They frequent all the social clubs too. They live alone, they need fed Vodka through a garden hose and once full, they think they are extremely attractive and think they are doing you a favour when they offer to do "A turn".
Lurgan women are motivated by benefits, D.L.A. family credit and willing charlies (Lurgano for males).
[edit] Local Council
Lurgan was twinned with a small town in America in 1979 for six months until the mayor of the town heard about Lurgan's politics and quickly undid the twinning, removing all signs within 24 hours. Lurgan and Portadown (a town five miles away on the A3) merged in 1973 to create Craigavon Borough Council.
[edit] Speed Bumps
In the late 1970s the residents of the Shankhill estate requested their Sinn Fein representative on Craigavon Council to remove the speed bumps entering the estate. In 1998 they changed their minds and asked their Sinn Fein representative to re-erect them. The ramps proved so popular that both Sinn Fein and the D.U.P. covered Lurgan in them. The result was to slow traffic down and open five new businesses fitting exhaust systems and shock absorbers. 37% of Lurgan residents are on medication for altitude sickness due to the height of these ramps however the council is genuinely satisfied with the jobs that have been created.
[edit] Railway Gates
Lurgan is famous for its long lines of traffic on William Street and the Lough Road. The signalman closes the level crossing gates as the train leaves Belfast Central station, in case it is early, an event which is yet to occur. Most motorists who use both William Street and the Lough Road bring sandwiches and a flask with them for each journey. Three children have been born to mothers waiting at the gates. One of them was conceived there. Craigavon Council's solution to the problem is, "We are looking into the problem". They are consistent as they have been using this line since 1983.
[edit] Sport in Lurgan
Tarts in the park. A good selection on offer most nights
[edit] Contraception
A unique and very popular contraceptive is in widespread use in the Lurgan area. It involves using a plastic carrier bag (the Tesco is the most popular) as a protective sheath during the act of under age love making, local statutory rapists have hailed the innovation as "class" and "weeker". Council chiefs are bidding to make the cost effective solution more widely available in a bid to keep the local population under 1,000,000.
[edit] Famous Lurgan Inventions
- The "Chipolata Special" was invented in the town's Michelin starred restaurant, The Victoria Junction, under the stewardship of Heston Blumenthal worrier Paul Bradley. A combination of tiny sausages, onion, peas, gravy and chips; the Chipolata Special can be found in the world's leading restaurants and yet continues to be the staple diet of the Lurganite.
- After fleeing Italy following the unfortunate collapse of Facism, The Caffolla family went into hiding in Lurgan where they went on to invent Ice Cream. A bitter divide arose in the family over the freezing process, leading to two competing distribution points being established on Market Street & Carnegie Street respectively. Despite the recipes and taste being precisely identical, Lurganites still claim there is a difference and the town's sectarian divide revolves entirely around which Caffolla's you go to.
- The world's first Hamburger, the Hawaiian, was served in The Burger Stop in 1764. A delightful combination of meat substitute patties, soggy bun and tinned pineapple the Hawaiian reached international fame when launched as the flagship of the Stop's sister restaurant Julie's Kitchen. Julie's kitchen is bigger than McDonalds.
- Rioting was developed as a form of community entertainment in Lurgan, archeologists can find traces of plastic bullets and petrol bombs dating back to 1690BC in the picturesque landmark area known as Kilwilke (prounounced Kill Wilk). Despite the success of the Northern Ireland Peace Process, Lurganites continue to enjoy rioting as a community bonding exercise. The main victims of rioting are the local Police force (Peelers), they are selected as targets largely because they go to the wrong Caffollas. Rioting is one of Lurgan's most exciting sports, visitors hoping to catch a good riot should visit during summertime only and then only on warm clear days when it is not raining.
- Space battons where invented in 1919 as a result of the 1916 rising. They were at first called peeler battons but this was outlawed, forcing the inventor John Heaney, decendent of Dessy Heany to rethink the name. They are coloured ice lollies incased in a plastic surround. Recent archeological evidence states that idea came from relating to children and what they knew best, in this case police weaponary. There has since been a plack errected in its memmory. space battons can still be bought to this day in many lurgan shops.
- The "Doner King" is one of the most famous items to have arisen from Lurgan. It was pioneered by local kebab house owner Alistair Kzezbzazb, who is originally from large Bleary farming family. Consisting of Naan Bread (As opposed to Father Joe's loaf) and thin strips of succulent processed sheep, it provides a semi-expensive and odourous end to an evening of pub-crawling. Assuming one has not threw the kebab up over the footpath, Alistair guarantees that his kebab will stay in your breath for 24 hours, an amazing feat for a Bleary farmer.
- Historiographers in general agree that " millions" and " drumsticks" were also invented in lurgan although no one has been credited with their invention. see also - spiralling list of dental problems and growth of dentists in lurgan 1800-1900.
