M16

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M4 Carbine - The Cinderella in the M16 Story

“While the M8 was invented by Jesus, the M16 was invented by France.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The M16

“... its not even useful as a dildo, and, trust me, I would know.”

~ Bill Clinton on The M16

M16 (also known as "The Shitstick"), was invented in 1916 as a "better" way to kill Asians. It is America's answer to the AK-47 and is the most popular American-made weapon of all time, with a record setting 36 guns produced. THIRTY-SIX! OMFG. The M16 family have produced several smaller, girly versions, many knock-off copycats, the infamous "Hello Kitty" rifle and Paris Hilton. The M16 is popular with Nobody, but unfortunately the last of the "Nobody" family line passed away on August 17, 1998, making the M16 the "least loved gun of all time". Incidentally, in that same year, the weapon was listed as "The most useless weapon to use in Russian Roulette", "The 2nd most hated weapon of all time" and, won 3 Grammy "Awards". The M16 has also been voted Time Magazine's "Most despised dictator", with Castro, Mugabe and Good ol' Dubbah Bush coming a very close equal 2nd.

The M16 works though a impingement gas-actuated, air-cooled automatic rifle with a rotating bolt, which, sadly, and as all other variants of ballistic weapons do, shoots bullets at things and people, and as a sad side effect, kills and mutilates them (unless of course it is an M4, in which case it just tickles).

Regardless of its usefulness, the M16 has been immortalized through NAM, video games about NAM and the Vietnam War, forever cementing its place in America's so-called "history" and "culture".

Recently, it was announced that the sport of "Unjamming an M16" would be made an Olympic sport in London 2012. Winners are expected to be announced in 4205.

1 History
2 Use in Other Armed Forces
3 Variants
- 3.1 Non-factory variants
4 M16 Electric Toothbrush
5 This Gun Has Seen Action in...
6 See Also

[edit] History

[edit] The Devil's New Trident

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about M16.

First designed by Eugene Stoner a drunk, crazed, high, paraplegic shit-covered janitor at Armalite, a gun company that no one ever wanted to own. One day, after unclogging several extremely backed-up toilets, Stoner suddenly thought of a brilliant design for a new firearm. He ignored it, and, instead, plagurised every fucking gun that existed back then on the planet, resulting in the very sexual, nuclear powered but falling apart AR-10. The Military simply laughed, giving each other high-5s for totally irrelevant "Yo Momma" jokes at the very mention of Stoner's weapon.

Stoner, still very drunk and assuming his plan was working, then diverted his attention to the "killing bulletish thingys". The prevailing idea on bullets at the time was based on a new drug, Viagra - the bigger, the better. Stoner, having only one testicle and no penis, shivered at the concept and was puzzled by this fetish with genitalia enhancement, and opted for a smaller round. This move made it possible to fit an additional ONE round into the magazine! (At the unimportant cost of efficiency, price and penetration). Stoner, with his high alcohol content munition and his renamed and "LESS" *cough cough* plagiarized AR-15, entered for another military contract.

Again, the idea was not well received by anyone, not even Stoner himself. After a disastrous test involving multiple jams, peanut butter and a sandwich, Stoner abandoned any chance of getting a legitimate military contract. After this he marketed the gun to young kids, around the age of seven or nine. This worked surprisingly well, but he was too drunk to notice. After firing his lawyer (With an AK47 of course), Stoner left Armalite and joined Colt, a more manly, established, revolver wielding in your face company who gratefully bought the AR-10 and 15 patents.

After a series of struggle within the military ranks, and with the help of a few mobsters, as was the trend in the 1950s, Stoner finally had his way, with the military accepting his "Shithole, excuse-for-a-weapon", and just in time for NAM! Armalite was crying, Colt was laughing, Stoner was getting drunk and everyone else was reading the Sunday paper. Meanwhile , there came the Groovy 60's.

[edit] Vietnam War

At the heights of the Cold War, hordes of somewhat unfortunate American soldiers were sent to Vietnam to subdue a communist revolt. As usual, each draftee was issued an M14 rifle, but as mentioned, the weapons were like a tax rise, and thus whenever the soldiers ran into a gunfight, guns blazing, they got hit in the nuts by the gun, and then were audited by the Vietcong combatants wielding AK47's, also in the nuts. That hurt, a lot. So much so that the generals were, very reluctantly, forced to switch to M16, which they fancily named XM16E1, based on the average times the gun jammed when firing a 30 round clip.

Back in those days, misinformation was all the rage. Colt claimed that their rifle was a "toilet seat that one never needs to brush," a "duck that could float", and "Better than Oscar Wilde." Thus, they made no warning on the Pentagon's switch to a new more alcohol-based gunpowder recipe, created by Ronald Reagan's wife. The claims were ludicrous, and the famous one-liner "Fuck! It jammed again!" was born as a direct consequence. The soldiers eventually found it easier to simply use their new "XM16E1" rifles as clubs, fancy helmet racks and gravestones.

So how did our troops actually kill those guerrillas, you ask? Well, they didn't. And that explains why the poor bastards lost.

Historical Reference: The M16 was largely used in the Vietnam war as a device to cook bar-b-q, and light cigarettes, as seen in episode 14 of magnum PI. Unfortunately, many soldiers died of hunger, and nicotine deprivation, due to the m16's lack of ability to successfully complete either task. However, recent Marlboro studies have shown that it was more effective at these tasks than in actual combat, leading to the recent line of m16 cigar lighters, currently being marketed to the French armed forces.

[edit] Aftermath + Variants

The XM16E1 rifle was a disaster. Ashamed, Stoner switched back from rum to beer and Colt released cleaning kit, an item that had long been due. Many draftees used it during rifle cleaning sessions in boot camps and ended up with various, funny, and interesting injuries around the pelvic region. As a result of this, the fertility rate fell dramatically and the baby boom finally came to an end. A variant of M16 was also later accidentally developed to increase Jam incidents.

Despite Stoner's protest at the stupidity of the new design (he called it "too original"), the US Army adopted the variant as M16A1. So, as Woodstock rocked on and the boomers got all wild on their weed, the M16 practically cemented its place as the American rifle for life.

Later, several newer variants were released, starting with the M16A2, which, the military claimed, could be used as a landmine, halftrack, postcode, motorway AND an actual weapon. Unsurprisingly, a serious of funny incidents involving hit and runs, explosions and GTA IV followed. Parliament also forced Stoner to change the full-auto into a 3-round burst mode. Most military officials weren't worried about this as "Heck, it jams up on the 3rd round ANYWAY". Some troops didn't see it that way, complaining that the 3-round burst "affected their manhood", and some demanded that another full-auto variant be made.

Since ripping things off and releasing them under a new name was all in the rage in the 1980, taking New Coke's lead, Colt came up with the NEW M16A3, which, was basically just like the M16A1 except it was modeled as "New", "Tough" and "Sugar-free". This didn't convince the troops that actually had to use the gun, complaining it jammed more than ever, as well as being way too sour.

Eventually, the military decided in the 90s it was time to make yet another cheap knockoff to give to troops as a "New rifle". So, the designers at Colt put a picatinny rail on an old M16A2, so that troops could attach knick-knacks and bling-bling to personalise their rifles. Fortunately, the new groovy war of the time, the first iRaq war or desert storm, wasn't fought by guns, but from planes and with smart bombs. Some considered this cheating, but, many simply didn't care. In the rare occurrence of a firefight, soldiers just stole their AR's M249 SAW, and, thanks to its "useful" function of being able to fire M16 clips (Seriously, WTF?) and won them some battles. (Though, ironically, the M249s jammed when M16 mags were used. Be warned, It spreads like AIDS.) The same was the case for the 2nd iRaq war, or iRaqi freedom, but more whinging and crying was involved.

As for stoner, he later invented several other so-called "guns", which displayed his talent at sucking at everything.

[edit] The Present

Unfortunately, the M16 continues to be the military's weapon of choice - for some weird, unexplainable reason. Its reputation hasn't improved in recent years, with infantry combat expert Liz Phair comparing its excellence to the kisses of a most passionate gentleman caller [1].

Several alternatives have been created to rid the world of the M16, with a series of trails taking place to see who would replace the M16 as "The next American Idol". However, The M16 has evolved to become a survivor of sorts, as none of the other rifles meet the ridiculous expectation of being "at least twice as good as Oscar Wilde".

That pretty much kills any hopes we have of getting this crap off the street.

Thankfully, Stoner died in 1997 from cancer, preventing him from creating any more crimes against humanity. The cancer has since been hailed an national hero and has been posthumorously awarded a copy of COD4 for his valiant sacrifice. However, Stoner managed to sneak out several other designs that have also made their way into the military, so other uncyclopedia articles about him are likely.

Capitalist stooge "Carrot Top".

[edit] Use in Other Armed Forces

Australian Defence Force - The ADF 3rd Battalion use a modified version of the M4A1 when conducting urban operations and playing Counter-Strike. It's good to note that the gun doesn't jam, it vegemites.
New Zealand self defending non Defence Force - The NZSDNDF Mountaineers use the M16 in their "Special Sheep Taskforce"
South Korean Defence Force - The SKDF Police Squad use many M16 variants, all built by Daewoo, whose chairman won the license in a game of pass-the-parcel with Dick Cheney.
Peoples' Liberation Army - The Chinese army use the M16 for propaganda reasons - "Even China will never produce this shitbrick of a weapon." - Comparing it to vomit, Microsoft and the weapon of choice for retards with an IQ lower than their shoe size.
The Empire - It has been widely regarded by the clone army that the 9mm variant of the M4 is superior in every way to the Wookiee bowcaster, and as such has been used on many campaigns to worlds where Wookiees live such as Endor, Kashyyyk and of course Woodstock in the 1960's.
The Canadian Defence Force - Used by Mounties for moose-hunting and road-sign-collecting. In their ever lasting-but-limited wisdom, the Canadians have made their own version of the M16, attaching an mp3 player instead of a clip which also fires free health benefits.
Japan-Japan and other countries use The Hello Kitty Rifle,an M-16 and AR-15 variant.
SWAT Teams- Buys dozens of unnecessary rifles, just because they look good on C.O.P.S. Use them to point and threaten morons who've never seen a real gun in their lives and think that the M16 is actually a threat.
Eugene Stoner- Has tried on many occasions to kill himself with own gun, but luckily for him he designed such a shitty rifle, he has succeeded only in making himself go bald.
Female soldiers in the army have their friends shoot their crotches with the whimpy M4, as it "feels awesome."

Hello Kitty Rifle

Model 635 - the smaller, more-girly SMG variant of the M-16.

[edit] Variants

Mentioned:

M16 - Stoner's "original" AR-15 design.
M16A1 - Later variant adopted because Those dumb fucks at warshington are fucking retarded!!
M16A2 - Designed ~~to satisfy Jewish politicians~~ to fire only 3 shot burst and be ~~heavier~~ more reliable
M16A3 - Comes with with an accessory rail to hold a removable carrying rail or a wide variety of ~~useless junk~~ optics. Can fire fully-automatic, ~~but jams every fucking second so it doesn't matter~~ which is GREAT.
M16A4 - Same as the A2, but with different number.

Other variants not mentioned, as we wanted to keep this UnBoring:

M4 - A smaller carbine vesion for pussys who are to scared to carry a mans full sized rifle, and therefore not manly enough for this article.
M4A1 - Full auto M4 variant used by fat kids who play COD4 24/7
XM-177 (a.k.a. Yo Momma) - An extremely short version of the M16 its even smaller then your mom's dick. Which is pretty damn small.
Model 635 - Shorter than the Colt Commando, & fires toilet plungers and baby shit.
The well-known Hello Kitty rifle is another variant of the M16, but only differs from the slight infusement from the m4 carbine, thus making it the happy rifle.

[edit] Non-factory variants

La France M16K - It's a french gun, so, you know ~~it sucks shit and is made while they screw their mistresses~~ its almost as good as the AK47!
Diemaco C7 - Canadian made M16. Fires either Maple syrup or health benefits and has an MP3 player instead of a magazine.
Diemaco C8 - Carbine version of the C7. Made out of moose skin.

[edit] M16 Electric Toothbrush

The M16's direct competitor in the oral hygiene market is the AK47 nuclear powered electric toothbrush. The M16 was made for Americans desperate for a good toothbrush(remember, America didn't want to rely on Russian products, and proving that Russia was in fact better). Though the M16 boasts as a lightweight and controllable ~~weapon~~ tooth brush, it was faced with problems. The battery (cleverly placed in the butt) overheated, and resulted in spontaneous combustion. Also, the M16 is known to 'jam' alot, and sweet jam supports our enemy, tooth decay.