Stephen Hawking
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“Yes, he did run over my cat.”
“Well, the Big Bang Theory started with an overdose of Viagra...”
~ Stephen Hawking on ]
Stephen 'Stairmaster' Hawking besides being a scientist, inventor of gravity, air, life itself, and the jaccuzzi tub, member of the International BAMF Society, robotic ninja assassin, mayor of Vancouver, your mother, and wheelchair-bound spec ops sniper, was the lead singer and cowbell player for Culture Club and the author of various bestselling books on pop culture including the timeless classics "One Star, Two Star, Red Dwarf, Blue Supergiant"; "The Universe in a Brown Paper Bag" and "Dark Energy, Once You go Black You Never go Back". In 1991 he was voted both "World's Sexiest Cyborg" and "Master of the Universe" by his colleagues at the Institute of Astute Astrophysicist Bastards (IAAB), Vermont. Stephen Hawking is currently at number one on The Paedo Charts.
Dr. Hawking spent his best days in the basements and cellars of Oxford University in Iran, nourishing himself with a new device that allows him to dig miles into the Earth towards the core. Stephen Hawking runs on Windows 3000 (invented just for him by old colleague Bill Gates), and had a record-breaking uptime of 4,954,122 hours, 54 minutes, and 10 seconds during the BSOD era. He had only been hacked once, by a retarded child who existed in Christopher Walken's imagination. It turned out that the hacker had used a backdoor (not to be confused with Bill Clinton's "Back Door" policy) password ("astro-fag"), left in by the original programmer, Gary "Fuckwad" Anderson.
Chairmaster Hawking runs on Duracell batteries and human shit, which is why he is so clever. He was one of the gayest students at Oxford. Every year they would hold contests at the Oxford University, and when Stephen became 20 he decided it was time to ejaculate. He reached the final and was expected to win but was defeated by another student called Robert Mugabe. The reason he lost had much to do with the fact that his physics engine wasn't up to date. Mugabe was later found inside out with a cross-section model of Jupiter rammed up his ass.
Stephen's other bitter rivalry with Bill Gates began over a pan of "special brownies" they made in their college dorm. Bill reacted badly to the brownies and violently attacked Stephen, threatening to fucking kill him, leaving him limping and brownie-less (this would be made worse by an incident the following year). Until this day Stephen has been plotting to get revenge by what he calls "...taking that bastard's retainer".hawking also had emotional troubles because of the tiff claiming "whoops, sorry, im an idiot" bill gates was later told he was a fuckwit and an arsecandle.
Another connection between Hawking and Bill Gates is that they have both had access to part of Chocotopia at some point in time. Currently, there is a small piece of it stuck in Hawking's teeth.
He was once almost forced to create a drill large enough for the entire planet in 2010 by George W. Bush's Do Over Act. He was instead able to convince Congress to purchase mass quantities of the calendars he sold on eBay.
[edit] A Brief History of Stephen Hawking (A.K.A. Hawk dogga)
Stephen Hawking is delightfully handicapped! At age of 19, he became wheelchair-bound after an unfortunate frat initiation accident resulted in his being thrown off a cliff, lit on fire, and mauled by tigers. After the ritual, a microwave dropped by God fell from the sky onto Hawking's legs, effectively crippling him. All this time God was laughing, and Stephen vowed for war. Stephen got God back by disproving His existence, and they now watch football together every couple Monday nights. Although Hawking has tried to write romantic love-letters to woo ladies, often the girls would just return them saying they couldn't get into his Section 8.
He has also been married twice (WTF - twice?! HOW?) and has three kids (ALSO-HOW?).
Stephen Hawking is rumored to have defeated the dinosaurs. He denies this, however, claiming that it was Jesus who defeated the dinosaurs, and all he did was permit Jesus to stand on his shoulders to reach a particularly stubborn pterodactyl. Unfortunately, Jesus left muddy footprints on the shoulders of his jacket--which was dry clean only--which ended their long friendship. Embittered by these events, Hawking became an atheist, and has since used his position as a gangsta rapper to release numerous disses against Jesus. Jesus responded by teaming up with MC Hammer to produce his own diss on Hawking, but due to the non-linear nature of time, the album ended up with a release date in the late 1600s, and quickly fell out of popularity almost 400 years before it was composed.
When he became 21, Stephen sought for people that were in the same position as him. Which means people that like him are bright but feel unrewarded because they never were able to win at any price. He found some 'soul mates' in Richard Humming, Sander Clops and John Johnston. Together they started an underground organization called 'Scientists In Negotiation' (SIN). They were widely regarded by the church (see child molestation) as sinners and homo-fags (see Pope Benedict XVI). In defense, they all wrote papers that showed conclusive scientific evidence that the Catholic Church is full of shit. Since SIN was doing so well, other scientists like Isaac Newton, Ballsaac Newton, Bert Einstein, and Isaac's little brother Jonathansaac "Johnny-boy" Newton decided to form an anti-SIN organization also known as SIN (SIN Is Nasty). Bert's more famous brother Albert was asked to join SIN (the second one), but refused, stating "This is bullshit." (This moment was captured in the famous "raspberry" photo.) SIN (the second one) received funding from the Catholic Church, who wanted to get back at Hawking and the rest of SIN (the first one)for severely diminishing their hordes of mindless followers with evil devices such as fact and reliable evidence. This action sparked a bloody feud between SIN (the first one) and SIN (the second one), resulting in several deaths on both sides. In 1938 Johnny-boy Newton was found dead in the back of truck that was carrying manure. Twenty bullets were found spread across his body. One bullet had the form of a computer speech transmission device mounted on a wheelchair, which incriminated Hawking in the murder (it WAS him, anyway). Hawking was tried and arrested for the pwning of Johnny-boy Newton, but managed to escape from jail via wormhole. Hawking and the rest of SIN retreated to their super-secret base located inside a black hole. These guesses are based on the fact that Hawking is able to warp the fabric of time and space itself, thus making the base almost impenetrable.
[edit] TIMECOP
A few drunk time-travelers spilled a cup of good Long Island iced tea on Hawking's wheelchair in 1990, leading Hawking to ban time travel. He issued a law stipulating that all wormholes having light being sent back in time would start a feedback loop leading to the wormhole exploding like a bomb. The wormholes in question, however, never heard of the law, and so time-travelers kept using them. Frustrated, Hawking attempted to invent a time machine himself, but his wheelchair got in the way. So Hawking created a naked singularity and used it as toilet paper. (Not that this has to do with anything.) None of this really worked, so in fact, Stephen Hawking built a totally awesome half-pipe in his backyard and busted some sweet tricks in front of women and men with big titties instead... and the world was eternally thankful.
[edit] Did the Big Bang really happen?
No, the moon has IBS.
[edit] Life as a Quake Master
After acquiring his Masters Degree in the field of Disaster, and a PhD in Piss-talent (his thesis on the many uses of the Pressurised Wheelchair won him a Nobel Prize in the field of Torpor), Steven Hawking spent several years mastering the game of Quake and its many sequels, spin-offs, and mods. When asked about Steven Hawking, fat4l1ty said "That mother fucker h4x. I swear to God he instagibs me the millesecond I see him. Maybe even before I see him. Fucking physicists and their time travel shit..." Then he assumed the role of lead Quake playback singer. To piss at this usurper Mohd. Rafi is reputedly to have double playbacked the song 'ARRE DUNIYA JO CHAHE SAMJHE MAIN TO INSAAN HUUN' (HEY 3ARTH THINKS WHAT IT WANTS...I AM A HUUUUMAN). Standard Anglosauruses claim against these parataxes, so let us revise: Although the earth thinks what it wants, I am a human. Or, The earth thinks what it wants, but I am a human.
[edit] Stephen Hawking's Theory
At any time, Stephen Hawking can make up a theory. He is right. If you try and discredit him, he will throw a wormhole at you or have his ninja cyborgs tape you to an asteroid.
[edit] Stephen Hawking is So Pimp That:
“Oh yeah, Stevey and I had lots of fun riding in his Mustang busting caps and picking up...um, our friends.”
~ Oscar Wilde on another vague subject
- He won the Daytona 500 race in his wheelchair under the name of Speedy Gonzales, the Fastest Mouse in Mexico.
- He can actually walk and even run at speeds upwards of thirty miles per hour; he "just doesn't feel like it."
- He is actually both the father and son of Stephen King after impregnating his father's mother while time traveling.
- Whilst Flavor Flav has a clock hanging around his neck, Stephen Hawking has a supermodel hanging around his. Ohhhh yeeeaaaahhh...
- He regularly gets laid by freshmen women at the University of Cambridge in the Lucasian Chair, the same chair that Newton once sat upon.
- In 2001, he released his first ever video game: Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair. The sequel, Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair 2 was released in 2003, with spin-off Stephen Hawking's Offroad Rampage following in 2004.
- His wheelchair wheels have spinners, reverse spinners, and reverse reverse spinners.
[edit] Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair 2
Platform: Dreamcast
Ranking: 91802
ESRB Rating: TEEN NOT! ROFLMAO :))
User Rating: 6.022 x 10²³
Ride with the skillz of Stephen Hawking, the most recognized wheelchairing pro of all time. Or, as a better option, chair as one of 13 pros or create a character from scratch. Master signature pro moves and hundreds of new tricks including hand-stands/head spins, wheelies/bluntslides, lip tricks, nollies, manuals and more. Design your own dream park in real-time 3D, using a variety of ramps, funboxes, and rails. Multiple play modes include one-player career and free skate modes as well as two-player modes such as trick attack, graffiti, tag, and horse. Ride to a killer soundtrack of tunes featuring The Paganizer, The Cradle of Filth, The AntiChrist, Obstacle Corpse, and Visceral Evisceration.
“We're gonna sue that lamer.”
~ Activision on SHPW2
“Man I suck at this game...can you believe it?”
~ Fatal1ty on SHPW2
“At least its better than Tom Cruise's Splintered Shell...*sigh*”
~ Tom Cruise on SHPW2
“Fo shizze! Stizzle Hazzle bin doin' it again, this gizzle is fazzle shazzle?”
~ Snoop Dogg, Stephen's Homie on SHPW2
“Mommy...?”
~ Kid from Home Alone on SHPW2
[edit] Living on the Sun
Stephen Hawking has been quoted saying that "Man must move to the Sun in order to survive". He says that although it will not be as comfortable as earth, we are going to destroy the Earth in the next 50 minutes, because George Bush plans on A-bombing "those French-homo suckas". He advises use of the BFB (Big Fucking Bomb, name was thought of by America's lead scientist and took over 72 hours of deliberation). The dust from the explosion would block out the sun and throw the earth into a -50 C nuclear winter. This is thought to be the best countermeasure against global warming (and the French). Ever.
Stephen Hawking claims that with a little sunblock, and 15 feet of concrete, the sun can be as habitable as say, New York.
[edit] Scientific View On Panties
Hawking recently formed a scientific hypothesis, which stated that wearing panties is in fact very beneficial for both men and women. He proved (through a double blind "iron clad" test) that not wearing panties is actually a very foolish thing to do.
Hawking has also claimed that he once had the power to remove womens panties with the power of his mind. However in classic tragic form, his hubris got the better of him and his penis wore away from too much sex. Having lost his penis, and unknown to Hawking himself before hand, his power to be animated, Hawking was crippled for life.
Steven Hawking only trained one man with this amazing ability. There is only one man who has this power and has not had his penis wear away because he is theoretically invulnerable to any form or erosion. That man was Chuck Norris.
[edit] Hawking in Space
Recently, Hawking was stolen and flown into space on a super powered rocket with two gay men and a bound and gagged Anna Kournikova. They set a record for most people at one time performing a gang rape in space.
[edit] Sex Tape
Steven Hawking's immense popularity in the scientific world has led to his gaining a large amount of sex groupies, who follow him everywhere he goes hoping that he will have sexual intercourse with them. He came across a man by the name of Robby Phips and decided that he was the man of his dreams and married him. No more did he use his sex tape as a means of attracting men to his scientific laboratory. Most of them are pre-pubescent nerds, although he does have some much older and more attractive female groupies who regularly attend his lectures. It is actually quite common for girls to flash him, throw their panties at him, and attempt to seduce him during his lecures. Hawking only actually had sex with a groupie once, with a 19-year Chinese national at MIT. He documented the event on videotape, and later planned to burn the tape, but it was stolen by an ambitious porn salesman. The sex tape can now be found at most movie rental facilities. Very few have actually rented it, but those who have say "It's very raunchy. He demonstrates that he has much more sexual dexterity then, say, Paris Hilton or Pamela Anderson. I didn't really enjoy it though." The release of the sex tape inspired many other people to release sex tapes who normally wouldn't have, including Gary Coleman, Dick Cheney, Al Sharpton, and Donald Trump.
[edit] Affairs
Steven Hawking has been romantically linked with Henry, the hoover.
[edit] Other work
In 2005 Steven Hawking released a new album Steven Hawking Unplugged - the quietist rock album in the world.
[edit] Trivia
- Stephen Hawking is HD ready
- He has four USB slots
- Is Wi-fi enabled
- Has a battery life of 6-8 hours
- Needs recharging every night
- Recieves Sky+
- Is banned from PC World for undisclosed reasons
- Can speak in binary
- Can reach 60mph in his wheelchair
- Can do Wheelies |-------------------------------| <=this big
[edit] See also
- [[Dr Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying, sit down and relax for a bit, try and read or something, maybe eat a cheese sandwich,and basically do anything other than obsessively think about being obliterated in a massive nuclear explosion|Carreer as an actor]]
- Hawking radiator
- A brief history of bullshit
- Mad Science
- The True Meaning Of Life (BOM BOM BAAAA!!!)
- Hammerspacetime
- Stephen Hawking ran over my cat
- MC Hawking's Crib
- Detailed report on Hawking's supersuit
- Stephen Hawking Hit Single, E = MC^Hawking
- Hit Single, What We Need More of Is Science
Barmy British Stuff 
