Macintosh

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“This quote was typed using a Mac”

~ Some Loser on Macs

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A Macintosh (commonly referred to as Mac by those who are jewish) is like having a pc on steroids - nothing works and everything moves around with shiny things and colors. It's 30-500 times faster than a PC and 10 to 30 times more expensive. Although, it was originally designed so that people with mass intelligence could use a computer without sinking to the level of common n00bs, it was quickly adopted by Hollywood and geniuses and indeed 61% of the population. Of course, most people who buy macs use them for running complex accountancy software and the entire banking system runs on just one MacBook in a secret location in San Francisco. Microsoft's inferior operating system, Windows, is known to, when run nearby, cause all Macintosh computers within ten feet to corrupt their hard drives in a attempt to commit suicide in an attempt to escape being near such a desperately horrible OS.

In short Macs are for those who want a computer to be truly awesome, and are smart enough to plug in a mouse with two or more mouse buttons, In Sum; Macs are for [-]4><><()RZ, PC's are for the 96% of the population who are dumber then a sack of rocks. Or at least know how to install linux on it. Linux is so godly that it need only be explained in three words: OH MY GOD.

Contents 1 Physiology of Mac Users 2 Psychology 3 The Dock 4 Software 5 Specifications 6 iPhone (a.k.a. iBoxo'shit) 7 iTrash 8 iCrash 9 iMacquarium 10 Helpful Advice From Apple 11 Mac & Communism 12 Mac Propaganda 13 Cruelty to Fruit 14 Ignorance 15 Common traits for Mac users 16 The iTakeover 17 iPowers 18 the iTakeover 2006 19 Mac users are vampires 20 iTunes user agreement 21 External links

[edit] Physiology of Mac Users

Macintosh users in general have an irresistible urge to be drawn towards shiny, colorful things. This may partially explain the lack of games available for the Macintosh as a roll of tin foil provides ample entertainment for a Mac user (but only genuine Reynolds Wrap, store brand tin foil is not shiny enough). They also generally are unhappy ex windows users who were shocked to get a virus when they tried to run heyimavirus.exe and thus switched to macs where nothing, even viruses, will work. Apple engineers initially thought that Macintosh users, like dogs, were unable to see color, hence the monochromatic beige cases and GUI of early Macs. During the manufacture of the iMac, some of the plastic used in the cases was accidentally dyed several different colors. The Apple quality control team, assuming that the Apple user base could not see color, let it slip by. This mistake proved to be a godsend to Apple as Mac users freaked out and hoarded them in mass quantities. Unfortunately for the Apple fanatics, the dye in the casing was quickly found to cause severe brain poisoning and was promptly ignored.

After the introduction of the iMac, Apple found that OS9 was not colorful enough. After much consideration, Apple released an OS based on the BSD operating system, hoping that an OS developed by old hippies still on LSD would be full of vibrant colors.

The first generation of Mac users were highly inbred resulting in webbed fingers making the use of two button mice impractical. After the rise of the internet, Mac users found mates outside their immediate families and a generation of Mac children with non-webbed fingers was born. However, their fingers were tiny and malformed. Apple responded to this crisis and released the multi button "mighty mouse", with tiny oddly placed buttons to match abnormal human anatomy.

One study has found that due to the easy-to-use software, Macintosh users are mostly children aged 8-12.

[edit] Psychology

fMRI scans of Macintosh users have found that they react positively to:

• Hearing words they don't understand
• Saying words they don't understand
• Bright colors
• Tin foil
• Apple ads
• Expensive software
• Cardboard-boxes
• Half-bitten Apples
• Any word with a lower-case "i" in front of it
• Steve Jobs
• People of I.Q. that's lower than theirs

The same scans have found that they react negatively to:

• Windows
• Arguments making sense
• Windows
• Images of Leprechauns
• Windows
• Bruce Campbell
• Technical thingamajigs
• Windows
• Cheap spares and repair
• Sex
• Bill Gates
• Smart people
• People with high I.Q.'s

[edit] The Dock

The Mac's dock is its all-beating heart center of knowledge and power. It controls the very life-force of this computer and makes every little task for you to do very fucking difficult, as it has the habit of disappearing. Really the only way to get the dock back once it has gone on one of its frequent breaks of coffee, is to repeatedly tap your computer screen with a hot iron until it decides you are stupid enough for it to use.

At this point, scientists are unclear whether the Dock should be classified under the kingdom Animalia or Farkle.

Things to Remember when Dealing with the Dock.

• Never say the number 39.
• Always bring offerings of your weekly pay.
• Be aware of its power to inflame certain sensitive body areas.
• If all fails send it off to Apple (duh) along with your broken iPhone and iPod

[edit] Software

“Mac software is so much better than anything Microsoft could think of!”

~ Mac User on Microsoft Office for Mac

Macintosh's software has always been superior to that of Microsoft, when Windows crashes, error messages popup, this is where Mac users can boast how a Mac never gets error messages and instead of finding out the source of the error and fixing it, Mac users can simply fix the Mac by sending it off for a few weeks. Mac software is great for children who apprently love colouring in and messing around on photoshop whereas the inferior Microsoft software will only allow kids to play any of the PC games in the market.

The first Macintosh screensaver was the infamous "flying waffle irons." The worst applet in the Macintosh operating system was SuperStack, a slide presentation, programming, and database application. It was never particularly good at any of these tasks, and condemned valuable business info and cutting-edge puzzle games alike to hours of tedious extraction. The original OS's first text editor, aptly named SimpleText, could not exceed 512 KB of text and destroyed users' previous documents every time they created a new one. The Macintosh window-maximizing behavior caused a psychosis in users where the more they dieted, the fatter they were in their minds, leading to a string of disembowelment deaths.

At last Macintosh developers acknowledged the happiness of all programs and games associated with the Macintosh by simply requiring users to drag the CD-ROM icon to the trash can to eject the CD. That's what that software is: trash. And every time Microsoft copies some unnecessary Mac feature, and incorporates it into their new crappy OS Vista, Apple comes out with a newer, crappier OS

[edit] Specifications

Mouse: 3,000 dpi tracking on days with a Q in the name.

Graphics & Display: 13" True Color(tm) greyscale CRT Cinema Display (30" viewable area), 24bit graphics card displays the “bomb” crash in HD black and white if you have a computer old enough to run one of the ancient OSes and a lot (at least 8MB) of bad luck.

Operating system: Mmmmmmm, candy.

Bonus Packages: FREE PORN FOR THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE!!! (Limited supply, click on ALL ads giving away FREE IPODS!)

Processor: Spring-wound, 3 jewel Swiss movement. Still light years ahead of anything the PC world has to offer, however much they try and mask this fact with the addition of really, really big "gullibility" numbers. Runs at about 1.86manithz2usethiscomputer.

Cooling: 24 volt fan in mothers basement.

Upgrade paths: Trash heap, broken abacus, pelicans with coconuts, pile of mating grues.

Downgrade paths: Anything IBM compatible.

Package includes: Power button, nice casing, a keyboard, live mouse, and a cardboard box that can help housing homeless people.

Guarantee/Warranty: Customer-centric 1-year-warranty (if it breaks, you pay, which, given that it WILL break, is a pretty shitty deal).

[edit] iPhone (a.k.a. iBoxo'shit)

“Only Apple could design a phone with one button!”

~ Rich kids on iPhone

The iPhone, released in 2007, was the biggest hunk of feces ever known to man, and still is. When people started hearing about it, every little Mac fanboy jacked off, and when they could jack off in isolation no more, they all gathered for an ultimate Macintosh orgy. Steve Jobs truly knows how to make something terrible sound good, because as good as it looked, when it came out, critics, sometimes called 'Windows Enthusiasts' owned it, and the future for the iPhone looked dim. But that didn't stop every Mac lover from defending it. The war goes on still.

“When the iPhone was first announced, CEO Steve Jobs spewed enough BS to cover a football field full of babies 3 feet deep in bullshit, which sounds cool because he could have potentially murdered a football field full of babies, but he passed on this opportunity by introducing the phone instead.”

~ Maddox on the iPhone

As can be found in the bible, the devil and mac are closly related seeing as the devil is the one who spawned the company from the fiery pits of hell. Seeing that the devil's company was in trouble of being crushed by the savior Bill of the Gates, he pioneered this latest "innovation". Unfortunately for him and MAC, the devil did what he did best and brought evil upon the earth (which most people aren't prone to buying, except mac users of course). In creating this device, he made it out of a secret fiber similar to glass, but made in Hell and more prone to breaking when touched which is ironic because the iPhone has a touch screen. Also as stated above, it is very much a large hunk of feces, which also makes the touch screen hard to use.

[edit] iTrash

The iTrash is a waste bin created by Apple, following Apples unconventional designs you cannot simply put rubbish into the bin you must put the bin over the rubbish, the iTrash is not compatible with most rubbish but it looks nice.

[edit] iCrash

In 1832, Mac decided to create an OS system that would crash (just like all the others they created) called OS iX Panda. As an endangered species (MAC users, not the Panda), they were given the chance to see spinning trance like wheels with hourly regularity. However, the Mac User Agreement forbids any user mentioning that MAC's do crash, freeze and have all the same annoying problems as Windex iXP do. However, once your friend buys a MAC, the agreement allows you to say 'ah yes, that is a bit of a problem', 'no you can't run (fill in the blank......software) and the infamous ten minute 'right click'conversation.

However, you can, as a new user, be smug for 34 seconds, until you see the first scratch on your shiny new toy and realise you're going to have to fork out another $100 to buy a case and another $200 to buy iDontcare, the support package that won't resolve any of the issues you'll experience until you go back to buying a PC.

There are rumours however, the Steve Blowjobs is working on iBamboo, a new OS that feeds OS Panda resource problem. Lets hope it arrives before the last Panda crashes for ever.

[edit] iMacquarium

Upon buying an iMac, most users immediately upgrade to the newer iMacquarium model. To do this, send the computer away to an IT expert, such as the local pannel beater. Using his delicate specialist tools (namely a high speed drill) he will convert your iMac from a non functioning "computer" into a fully functioning aquarium. Comes with a variety of different fish species and a guarantee to vastly improve productivity, functionality and satisfy you lust for revenge against all those annoying little attributes the old model had

[edit] Helpful Advice From Apple

• Your Mac computer is a fork of eMac.
• All your base are belong to us.
• Have you checked the Dell user resources page?
• Spoof the dock to continue.
• Pirates support Microsoft, while ninjas support Macintosh. You don't want to be one of those thieving bastards do you? You want to be legitimate and spend your money.
• Don't even try to escape, because we know where you live.
• uh oh big-mac attack!-bill clinton
• 2+2 is 4
• All your computer are belong to US!!!
• Use jewish magick on it
• Eat the computer
• Give your first born child to Macintosh
• Become a Jesuit
• Get windows
• Feed it your left leg

[edit] Mac & Communism

Some people argue that the Darwin OS is released under an "Open Source" license, which is just another name for Communism (this is even funnier because Apple are the least pro competition and anti choice company in the world). They try to hide all of this under a facade of shiny, "likable" buttons, but the truth has finally come out: Apple Computers promote Godless Darwinism and Communism, two more very good reasons for not owning a Mac, or "Proper Computer" as they are known. Many Mac users claim that Windows and Paper are not "open source". But they have not yet seen the kid down the street who has cracked copies of everything, unless they have already done so, and having no use whatsoever for cracked copies of second rate games, have built their own collection of cracked applications for the Mac.

Others argue that this can't be true, because it seems so obvious that they are communist, that if they were really communists they would do a better job of hiding it. Yet others say that both of these groups of people have had drug overdoses.

[edit] Mac Propaganda

In a recent smear campaign financed by the sectarian group, Apple Corps there has been a veritable media barrage of claims that Macs are better than PCs. However it should be noted that a Mac is a PC as PC mean "Personal Computer". Myths such as those above are used to justify the high cost and dis-information that Apple has unleashed on the techno-illiterati. For your see, Macs are computers that people own at their house, making them personal computers, and therefore PCs. Macintosh just likes to take the time to advocate fruit over an operating system and making completely irrelevant arguments against the very things that they make: PCs. Besides, Macs are clearly sub par. While Mac users think Macs are "cool" because of their fast loading times, their ability to work without error screens popping up (so much fun), and ability to never get viruses, windows is better. No really!

If this no virus propaganda is true it is solely for the reason that no person in their right mind would get a mac, none the less waste their time creating a virus for something nobody uses.

[edit] Cruelty to Fruit

Apple Computer's logo, depicting a brutally-murdered fruit, has provoked a rash of copycat slayings across America. Children as young as four have been seen consuming apples in a sick animalistic ritual which evil people call "eating." Unfortunately, no law currently exists to punish these child-criminals or their instigators at Apple Inc. This is most likely due to the political power held by the fruit industry, which wants people to eat their apples. Though, in the future when robots take over the world, a robot kid will ask his robot mommy for an Apple, she will give him an Apple Macintosh Computer, even if the child didn't do anything bad to deserve such a punishment.

[edit] Ignorance

Apple ignorantly puts transparent cases on their early models of each system and distributes them to developers, so all these people who worked hard to make it work get the fucking ugliest computer in the world.

[edit] Common traits for Mac users

• Are unemployed
• Spend all free time trying to hack into PCs to claim that Macs have greater security.
• Belongs to a failing U2 fan-band
• Congregates in coffee shops scolding laptop users with Windows installed, especially if the said laptop was a MacBook. In this case, the offending mac user would have his laptop smashed to destroy the evil taint of Bill Gates.
• Soft Edges
• Has Soft Shadows
• Massive Nose
• Jewish
• Loneliness
• Vision loss (due to too much computer usage)
• Not getting depressed
• Not getting sick (no viruses)
• Getting sick from previously unknown Mac viruses
• Being an iPod Macrobot (see C. Presau)
• Sniffing of own farts
• Freakishly huge heads
• Anal retentiveness
• Sex with apple pies
• Penises have clear cases
• Have the habit of bringing up outdated Windows screenshots to make Macs look better
• Saggy titties
• Fanatical
• 7-10 Years old
• Female Mac users still look better than female Windows users, because everyone knows that just like macs, it is all about the outside appearance, not what you are like on the inside. Silly Jesus.
• Names like <insert name here>
• Paedophiles
• Peter Sutcliffe
• Infrequent games of Baby badminton
• Change the topic quickly when MAC is getting insulted
• Are Immortal

[edit] The iTakeover

Many years ago (the late 90's), the internet was ruled by Bill Gates and his army of eFollowers. He put an "e" on everything. There were good times of eHarvest, with plenty of eFeasts...then the Mac came. Using a blasphemous "i" instead of "e," they amassed a fearsome horde of iBarbarians and iHuns, who easily slew the stunned eSoldiers. Bill Gates was forced to retreat and make his final stand at eHarmony.com. On there he repelled the demonic iHorde for months, but was finally defeated. The treaty of eBay was created, allowing him to tag his "e" to certain sites. The two factions have since lived in uneasy peace. The Mac iHorde proceeded to pollute our world with their products...iPod, iDog, iToilet, iDunno, and let us not forget...iHop! Rumors have it that Gates is preparing an alliance of eMen and eElves (and maybe Zwinkies) in his Dark Tower of Nerdery to take back what was rightfully his. Word remains vague on whether Linux will join the fight.

[edit] iPowers

An iPower, (or ePowers to the insignificant WINDOW OF THE GATES user) is a rare strand of Psychic sidwazsmeily power among certain iProduct names. The latest belongs to the iMac OSX, but although considered a powerful sidwazsmeily, it is actually a sidwazsmeily curse, for it is known to most as the frightening

!!!SCREWED UP NOSE SMIELY!!!!!

However, the latest Epower is the ledgendery XP sidwazsmeily. Thats right. The amazing. The one. The only.

THE TOUNGE-OUT-OF-MOUTH-PSYCHIC-GLARE-SMEILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe this will result in a change of nerd power...

[edit] the iTakeover 2006

in 2006 mac grew so powerful they were capable of overthrowing(buying out) their parent sister and cousin company hell the dark lord of mac(also known as the overfiend) bought out hell which was mutualy beneficial as all mac users are condemned to hell for using technology which doesn't get viruses(withcraft)it makes perfect sense to have tech support there because who knows more about witchcraft(macs) than the damned themselves so now when you call a number to mac for tech support you will get transferred to hell or pakistan followed by 2 hours of elevator music.

[edit] Mac users are vampires

The mac user and the common vampire are very similar, both hate holy water and both cannot stand sunlight, (hence why there are no mac gamers). The mac user is a creature of the night being able to turn into a bat, a chicken and a pheasant using iTransform. The casual mac user generally prefers to sleep in coffins, hates garlic, holy water and the Windows symbol. the first mac user was called count Mac-ula, a notorious mac user who lived in Pennsylvania who had an army of mac users who didn't do anything at all.... The macs did it all for them. The mac users will also not sully their hands with menial work that they leave up to their henchmen. made with apples latest product the iGor with over 80 different heads and 70 different torsos the Igor can meet your needs as a lazy game less vampire who sits around and drinks coffee all day.

It also has been proven repeatedly that Mac users die when having a stake driven through their heart, which is an established scientific practice to determine vampirism.

[edit] iTunes user agreement

Macs are gay unlike their much sexier and more butch cousin LINUX

“Macs are indeed gay, and that's why I own one”

~ Oscar Wilde on Macs

[edit] External links

• Apple Computer Official Site
• The even more official webpage of Apple
• The page from which the creator of this page stole copyrighted material and used it. Hmm.
• Mac Vs PC South Park Style