Mac User
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“I'm a Mac.”
~ The guy from Dodgeball who pretends to be a Mac
“Macs are like the Fisher Price of computers. They're cheap, have only the most basic of functions, and need to have choking warnings on them for their users, because their brains haven't developed enough.”
~ Steve Jobs, overheard at the IT Developers Coference on Macs
“I just don't get it!!!”
~ Mac Users on Macs
“Macs suck!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Macs
Most PC users view Mac users as complete pansies who can't read computer manuals, are unable to understand the way computers work, and rely on Apple Computer's GUI, or Grafikal User Interface. A Mac user's view of a Mac user is pretty much the same, except they don't really know what a GUI is.
No sensible PC user would let a Mac User near their PC with a screwdriver; they might wind up with a toaster. By contrast, a Mac User views a PC and a toaster as basically the same thing.
The name "Mac" comes from the macintosh raincoats commonly worn by Mac users who spent all their money on their computers and no longer have a home to keep the rain off their heads. In honour of these loyal customers, Apple Computer invented the Macintosh computer just for them.
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[edit] Characteristics of Mac Users
Mac users typically worship Apple Computer and Steve Jobs as their God, which they call a holy trinity, not realising this is clearly inappropriate for a collection of two things. The typical trinity consists of three items, but not the Mac Trinity. This lack of math skills is common in Mac Users, who blame it on their "artisitic nature." In reality, they are probably just idiots.
In the past, Macintoshes were the only computers that didn't turn the user into a complete dork. For a while, owning a usable computer without sprouting pocket protectors and thick glasses made Mac users cool. They consider themselves superior to other computer users for this reason.
Mac users are justifiably suffering from a Superiority Complex, and claim that Mac OS X is what MS-DOS, Linux, Microsoft Windows, and all other operating systems aspire to be. Because they lack any understanding of how operating systems are set up, it is impossible to convince them otherwise. However, it is only the pretty pictures these other companies wish to emulate from their artistic sibling. They might tell you that their machine is far superiors to yours, because of the fact Hat it has a mouse. If you reveal your own, they might still be satisfied by macs "having had them first".
In 1992, a group of Mac users organized and formed a political party within the United States, promoting an agenda of anti-trust, pro-small business legislation. Unfortunately for them, it soon became apparent that a Mac user Congress would mean the entire US Tax Code would have to be converted to BinHex format, and most of the Constitution would have to be remade as a Hypercard stack. Clearly, this was unacceptable, and the Mac user party went home and took a nap.
[edit] Scripture
Apple Computer's AppleScript programming language may have changed, but the scripture hasn't. The following subliminal message is programmed into all Mac users by their Macs:
To be a Mac user, ye shall forfeit thy honour and thy life unto thy master, Apple Computer. Against the heathens, ye shall always place thyself, for it is decreed that ye shall worship and defend thy master, and the most gracious gift of Mac, even unto the ending of the world. Always will ye strive to mock the hideousness of the heathen PCs, and when thy most glorious Mac is mocked by the unworthy, ye shall retaliate in a most bitchy and insufferable manner. Honour this bargain, and ye shall be rewarded. The LORD Steve Jobs hath decreed it so.
The message was upgraded to work on Mac OS X, but there have been complaints that the new version of the message is too powerful when combined with the new Intel chips now used in Macs. Luckily, nobody cares as long as the Mac continues to look prettier than everyone else.
[edit] Controversy
Obviously, the Mac user is the primary fighting force of Apple's world takeover scheme. The scheme has not actually been implemented yet, since it requires that both Microsoft and Linux go belly-up before it will work. Needless to say, the scheme has been filed away for some time, and there are rumors that it will have to be scrapped and remade as World Domination OS X, replacing the current World Domination Classic.
Nevertheless, Mac users eagerly await the day when PC users will have no choice but to fret over wasted processor power and the constant anxiety of looking metrosexual. They believe that when everybody can appreciate a computer that is easier on the eyes than on making viruses and spam, the world will be a better place. Many disagree with this philosophy, even some Mac users.
[edit] The Internal Schism
Some Mac users don't want everybody to buy Macs; they argue that if Apple becomes the dominant computer company, the Mac will lose its elitist appeal, meaning it will be no fun to own one anymore. What good is a computer if you can't brag about it? Mac users will have to move on to another, even more superfluous computer system in order to feel special.
The common sentiment expressed by these abnormal Mac users is one that baffles most experts; even the brightest egocentrics can't fathom it. These Mac users claim that Windows users should be allowed to boast of their superior digital manliness. They claim that Windows users can go ahead and sneer at the inability of Macs to play with "the Big Boys," even going so far as to say that this attitude should be encouraged, since it helps preserve the purity of Mac by keeping hackers and Bill Gates out of the Apple pie.
More zealous Mac users are appalled at this lack of stereotypical fanaticism, and have been known to get extremely upset over it. PC users should not be made aware of this secret knowledge or of the divide between Mac users, since they might use it for evil purposes. It is a shameful secret of the Mac culture, and should never be revealed. Oops...
[edit] Being a Mac User Has...
[edit] Pros!
- For one thing, most Mac users don't mind the single-button mouse Apple Computer introduced, mostly because they wouldn't be able to figure out what to do with the other button anyway. This saves them an estimated 6.7 hours a day that Windows nerds spend bitching about the single-button mouse. Mac users also get to brag about being part of an underdog group that nobody else likes, which would make them cool if they didn't get all huffy about it.
- Even the highest and mightiest PC-user cannot deny that Apple brought dorky-looking computer graphics to the public on a large scale for the first time by stealing it from Xerox PARC. They can, however, deny that this makes Apple better.
- Another advantage of being a Mac user is not having to worry about contracting the Plague, or most other diseases for that matter. Although sickly as a child, good old Mac took his vitamins and exercised every day, and to this day is known to be immune to chicken pox, rubella, measles, mumps, STDs and even toxic epidermal necrolysis. In fact, most Mac users don't even realize how lucky they are, usually dumping those mysterious .exe files into the trash folder, without so much as a second thought.
- Theis isn't, nor will there ever be a tablet mac.
- As a Mac user, you won't even have to know how to use a computer! By "using a computer," I'm referring to knowing what to do when your computer crashes, glitches, erases your data, won't do its chores, gives you an error message, or otherwise craps out. You won't need to know this stuff, because your extremely limited software choices are all made to work perfectly on a Mac, so perfectly that even the most basic text editor will actually write your documents for you!
- Your Mac will also look much prettier than all the other computers, and no matter what they might say, all the PC users are really jealous of the Mac user's gorgeous partner. These days Mac is really into tight-fitting white, having moved away from see-through color garments. Mac was quoted as saying: "It just felt weird, having everyone copying my new look and making it un-original. I just had to try something different." Being a Mac user means you get to be a trendsetter.
- Finally, Mac users can buy and use iPods without looking like slaves to the latest trend, since they were Apple customers in the first place. Of course, this is something they rarely brag about, since they want other people to buy iPods. Many Mac users have opted to have tiny iPods inserted into their eardrum, so they can listen to music while they change to a different song on their regular iPods.
[edit] Cons!
If you are lucky enough to never have to deal with the peasants and their PC's, you will never, ever*, have any problems with being a Mac user. Unfortunately, you are not lucky, and therefore you will encounter some problems. If any of these problems are enough to make you want to use Windows instead, it is because the Macintosh doesn't like you. Macs are very sensitive, and can tell whether or not a user will love it enough to fight to the death in its defense. This is how Macs protect themselves.
- When referring to your Mac, you may not call it a "PC." This is considered an insult, and as such should only be used when referring to any form of personal computer which does not run Mac OS. A true Mac user does not think of their computer as personal, but more like an actual person. This is a con because it annoys everybody else.
- You may be called "Macky" by ignorant Windows users who don't appreciate the fact that you are (most likely) a pot-smoking, artsy-fartsy, communist hippie, who thinks their computer is so great just because you can do stuff by clicking little pictures, which requires no manual reading whatsoever. Wimp.
- If you are a native-born Mac user (one who has used Macs their whole life), then you will have to avoid using PCs whenever possible to avoid the risk of cancer. Yes, using Macs your whole life does make you vulnerable to MURPs, or Microsoft Ugliness Radiation Poisoning. The lack of pleasant æsthetics is harmful to those who are unaccustomed to it. Windows users who convert to Macs are immune to this effect.
- Also, as a Mac user, everyone will automatically assume you are a self-loving schmuck who needs a good butt-kicking. This hurtful prejudice will follow you always, for they simply cannot accept that you love Macintosh - not yourself. Love can hurt.
Apple is not a designer’s computer anymore!
I am a graphic designer traveling between United States and Asia. I have worked and studied as a designer for more than 10 years, and I have also been an Apple computer user for 10 years. Mac OS 8 was the first system I had on my first Apple computer G3 (by the way, this computer still works and nothing has been replaced). In 1999, I moved on from Mac OS 8 to 9 which is a great system. Mac OS 9 is very fast as a system and works smoothly with all the other graphic software such as Photoshop and Illustrator. Also, this system is easy to understand and work with. If you work with this system long enough, you can fix any problems yourself. I fixed all the system and application problems myself. I never had to call in for any help. In the past 10 years, I have owned four Apple computers (G3, iMac, iBook and PowerBook G4). Then, recently my G4 laptop broke down and I had to buy a new one, the MacBook Pro, and I had to move my system from OS9 to OSX. All these years, I have been relying on the Apple computer to support my work and It didn’t let me down. However, with the new laptop and new 10.5 system, I realized that the Apple computer is not a designer’s computer anymore. Here are some comparisons. The price of the computer Apple Inc never adjust their price level on new computers, however, I noticed one thing: My old computer was made in the United States (that’s why it was pricey). Then it was made in Taiwan (okay doable). Today the new Macbook Pro is made in CHINA!!! But I don’t see any benefit on the prices. Most companies have some price pressure, so they are made in China. But Apple, considered as stylish and pricey, is now made in CHINA also??!! Where is the price cut for customers then? The quality of the computer I have worked with different generations of Apple computers. From the old gray-shell G3, to the cute iMac, to the lovely white iBook, to the sophisticated-looking PowerBook G4, the look and the design of the computer is getting better and better, but the quality (from inside to outside) is getting worse. The hard drive breaks down after 3 years if you use the computer all the time. On my iMac, iBook, and PowerBook G4 the hard drive broke down, whereas the hard drive on my ten year old G3 is still working (amazing). The old CD-ROM drive with the tray still works after 5-10 years, but the slot-type CD-ROM drive shows problems after only 3 years. The so-called AppleCare There was no such thing as the AppleCare years ago. The computer was reliable and it didn’t break down easily. I can handle that the quality of the computer is getting worse and worse (so does a lot of other products around us), but if Apple is going to choose less reliable parts to build their computer and doesn’t want to lower the price level, then maybe they should be responsible for the breakdown, instead of asking the customers to pay more money for the AppleCare. The operating system The biggest difference from Mac OS 9 to Mac OS X is who it is made for. OS 9 is made for professional users, and OS X is made to impress regular users. A professional user uses the computer to process files and designs, therefore, the hard disk space and the speed of the system are crucial. Mac OS 9 has good performance with the graphic software and allows the designer to control many things on their system. You will hardly ever spend time waiting for the system to figure out something. The new OS X forces you to do many things you don’t want to do, or it installs things you don’t need, and you have no control over it. For example, if I don’t want to put down all my personal information, then I cannot use OS X. These days, personal information is very valuable. Why does the system need to enforce the user to put down this info? Also, the size of the system is getting larger and larger, and it is not necessary for the better performance, but for a lot of silly things, such as the shadow of the windows, the pretty detailed folder icons, and the newest – the reflection of the window on the dock panel. There are a lot of new functions that increase the system size, not for practical needs but for looking good and being impressive. As a professional user I would rather be without these effects, and instead have more space or RAM to run my Photoshop and Premiere. The most important question I have is: “why is the new system constantly thinking about what it needs to do instead of getting it done with?” This can happen when I move files from folders to folders, sometimes it’s just normal but other times the rainbow circle icon shows up and the system starts thinking. Thinking of what over a simple movement? I don’t know. Or, when I restart the computer, sometimes it’s just restart but other times it pauses for 5 seconds then it restarts. On OSX, there is a lot of small moves that can cause a pause. For a user that needs to work efficiently and make progress, this is unacceptable. Even for simple text input, the OS X performance is worse than OS 9. Undeniable, there are a lot more improvements on the look of the interface and the speed of some processing functions, however, the new system also combines a lot of new problems that effecting working speed. Overall, I decided to return my new Macbook Pro, and go to ebay and buy another Powerbook. When the next Christmas comes, I will move all my works onto PC (like a lot of designers did already). Whoever has read this. Thanks for reading. This article has no other purpose but hoped that the marketing director and the developer of the Apple Inc. can rethink about that what Mac stands for. It is really important to make money, but maybe they shouldn’t abandon the designer users that have worked with them for years.
Graphic Designer Ninna November 8th, 2007
* ever
