Maggie Thatcher
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“I'd give her one”
~ David Cameron on Margaret Thatcher
“I approve!”
~ Adolf Hitler on Margaret Thatcher
“I once called her up to tell her I'd had 200 trade unionists shot dead and thrown into the sea. "Gusty, dear", she said, "give me the resources you have and I'd create a new island of dead leftists in the South Pacific by lunchtime tomorrow." Damn, that's cold!”
~ Augusto Pinochet on Margaret Thatcher
“And now that the state has been rolled back, we are to move onto rolling back capitalism!”
~ Margaret Thatcher on Capitalism
“I peeped under her skirt! She's NOT made of IRON!!!”
~ Jeffrey Archer on Margaret Thatcher
“She made me lose my job.”
~ Captain Obvious while rioting in Brixton
Contents |
[edit] Brief biography
Grand Emperor Margaret Thatcher, Overlord of Great Britain, Glorious Lord Protector of the Falkland Islands and Patron Saint of Scotland was created by a race of super beings in the exact centre of the universe using radioactive iron extracted from the earliest meteors in existance. She stands 166 feet tall and patrols her territory on her mighty Unicorn Reginald. She came to earth 10,000 years ago and was trapped in what is now known as the Lake District during the last Ice age. Since thawing, Mrs Thatcher has been involved in many things over the years prior to creating her empire, the most notable being the destruction of 98% of Britains forests to create agricultural land for early human settlements, unleashing the plague upon Britain when she was barred from the Ox and Plough for smashing the dart board whilst drunk, and bringing about the industrial revolution.
Emperor Thatchers primary weapons are her eyes, with them she can fire powerful beams which heat their target up to 100,000 degrees celcius before causing them to explode. A systems upgrade allowed independent movement of her eyes so she can fire on multiple targets within 160 degree radius. This upgrade allowed her to single handedly take back the Falkland Islands in the early 80's. She also has the ability to crush her enemies with her mighty fists of steel.
Recently scientists discovered that time slows down for anyone standing within her aura which extends several miles out from her in all directions.
It is said that Emperor Thatcher once challenged Jesus for the title King of the Jews, when she realised Jesus was not a worthy opponent, she had the Roman Empire cruxify him, shortly after this she crushed the Holy Roman Empire.
It is widely known that Mrs Thatcher has resolved every major conflict in the last 100 years. She has done this by crushing both sides involved in the conflict and then incorporating their lands and people into her mighty Empire.
[edit] Early career
When Thatcher thawed she began her new life on earth travelling between ancient cave dwellings within the UK, she ran a basic postal service delivering messages between neolithic hunter gatherer families in exchange for animal bones which she converted into fuel for her engines. After striking a deal with early neolithic farmers she agreed to turn Britain into a nation of agricultural experts and cut down her first tree around 4000 BC, soon after this she had created numerous settlements across Britain and turned vast swaithes of forest into workable farmland. Early farmers struggled at first until she introduced the concept of crop rotation to allow the fields time to regather nutrients. At the time the life expectancy was 35 for men and 30 for women, Mrs Thatcher enforced this rule with ruthless efficiency and was at times known to massacre swaithes of humans who had reached this age.
During the medieval times Mrs Thatcher took a liking to Mead after she spent a boozy weekend with a team of jousting Monks in Blackpool. She travelled the country searching out bars and sampling their delights. Her local was a pub in London called the Ox and Plough, a regular at lock in's she was known to have drank the bar dry at least once a month. She was a featured member of the dominoes team until she got barred from the pub for destroying the dart board. In revenge for this she unleased the black death upon Britian in 1348.
The industrial revolution started when Mrs Thatcher had a memory upgrade, her newly acquired mental capacity allowed her to work on multiple inventions at one time, she can be credited with inventing the Spinning Jenny, the Steam Engine and the Power Loom. She invented new methods of iron and steel production allowing her to upgrade the strength of her exoskeletal structure to unimaginable levels. She can also be credited with major advancements in the chemical, mining, mechanical engineering, and glass industries.
[edit] Prime ministerial achievements
Mrs Thatcher first got interested in politics 1904, she was passing the houses of parliament and in a moment of desparation had to use their toilet. Inside she over heard two junior members talking when she off loading spent fuel rods in the cubicle which fired a spark in her central processing unit.
Having seized power from Sun Ye Jim, she then defeated the sinister Foot who (even many in his party said) stank to high hell. She was helped in this by the miner's leader of the NUMB who demanded more money and less work despite people coming out of their numbness and there being no future for the NUMBs: in addition there was the alliance of the Liberal Application of Talcum Powder Party (Lead by the Man of Steel) with the Social Disinfective Party (led by the Famous Five) formed from the Odour Eater faction in Labour who did not back the leadership of Foot.
Thatcher caused controversy when she famously stated that there is “no such thing as sociology”, this comment was criticised by the sociologist Oscar Wilde who felt that such comments would only alienate poor working class sociologists in society, she formulated a new set of policies based upon the writings of philosopher and economist Salma Hayek.
Führerin Thatcher was part of the most successful operation in recent COBRA history when she took park in Operation You have two cows. As a result of this she gained another nickname, "The Milk Snatcher". God Emperor Thatcher's secondary capability was the healing of those suffering from pre-senile dementia. Both Ernest Saunders, the Guinness Chairman who stole several million smarties and General Augusto Pinochet, the arse murderer were both healed after indicating they were unfit to stand trial for their crimes. However, later studies have proven that all cases of dementia within the British Empire during her iron rule were caused by the opium trade. In a futile attempt to end Imperial trafficking of drugs, Thatcher's reign nearly came to an end when her mannish boxers were stolen by Chinese insurgents in the event now known as the "Boxer Rebellion". With the aid of Ronald Reagan and the reanimated corpse of Joseph McCarthy, Thatcher crushed these undergarment-stealing freedom fighters and their secret rebel base.
Evidence has pointed to a possible link between Great Leader Thatcher's preternatural abilities and her discovery (during her Archaeologist days) of the vile and droll Tome of Blood and Ash which she discovered in the ruins of Pompeii while having a quick Atkins lunch. Some have speculated that this also explains Thomas Edison's sudden and mysterious abdication from the Dragon Throne of America in 1982, making possible her ascension to the Presidency.
Kaiserin Thatcher famously stated that, "there is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families." She went on to add, "There are also extremely powerful corporations and business interests who prop me up and in whose interest I've worked to remake the economy. But they're also just individuals, no different than the chap down the street. Except that they could crush him like a bug."
Had a run in with Tarzan over Westland Helicopters, broken and bruised on top of the helicopter as Neil Kinnock moved in for the kill, his victory speech was too long and she kneed him in the balls, but Kinnock refused to concede - despite David Owen's and David Steel's attempts to tag with Kinnock he eventually had to concede as the results came in.
Later she beat Kinnock to death and ate him grilled for breakfast with butter and marmite.
Recently, Her Most Holiness Thatcher signed a contract, after inventing British porn in 1984, to appear in three porn films with the American president, Ron Jeremy.
[edit] Empress Margaret Thatcher
When Gordon Brown retires, she will return from the dead to rule for ten thousand years as Empress with Dame Shirley Porter who will become Grand Vizier.
Policy Platform for first 10 years
- Working Class Children, teenagers and the unemployed (especially those from Scotland) to be sorted into slaves, food and for use as seating for the Middle and Upper Classes.
- Armed Forces and Police to be privatised in tranches, with regulators setup.
- Elderly to be forced to work building monuments in their honour.
- Elections no longer necessary. "3rd Term 3rd Reich Next Election"
- Thatcher and Porter geneaology to become part of the National Curriculum.
- The nuking of Yorkshire.
- Destroy ethnic minorities
- Fuck tha coal miners.
- Scotland to be stripped of all its natural resources.
- Privatisation of the weather, yielding a 200% increase in
efficiencyprofit.
[edit] Family life & personal trivia
Mama Thatcher's little boy was recently arrested in South Africa for trying to overthrow Rupert Murdoch. This catastrophic event was known as "Billy Thatcher and the Giant Egg", and has been immortalized in the story James and the Giant Peach by the child-hating children's writer Roald Dahl.
Mr. Margaret Thatcher, the ex-Queen's teenage husband, presently attends the University of St. Andrews.
Mrs Thatcher can bench press a cow without breaking a sweat.
Mrs. Thatcher famously battered three Soviet leaders to death and defeated an entire Panzer division using only her handbag. After stepping down as Prime Minister it was revealed she kept a house brick in the bag at all times..
Margaret Thatcher is now suspected of an affair with no less than Skeletor of He-man fame.
Thatcher recently broke off a multi-million dollar deal to appear in the Terminator films in order to become the Prime Minister of Israel. There, she has been lauded for her firm handling of the Yummy Kipper War.
Mrs. Thatcher once ate an entire litter of puppies for lunch. She washed them down with an entire jar of pickle brine.
Mrs. Thatcher was one beaten in chess by Zeus, the Iron Lady calmly drew her revolver and shot him in the face, she now stands unopposed on Mt. Olympus as supreme ruler of the Greeks.
Later with Keith Joseph she went to Bethlehem and gave birth to William Hague. Not long afterwards she also spawned Ben Thatcher, leading to rumours that Pedro Mendes is a Socialist.
Rumored to have a huge Hugh Laurie fetish and lists "House" among her favorite shows along with Jeeves and Wooster, A Bit Of Fry and Laurie, Blackadder II, Aerobics Oz Style and Evening at the Apollo.
Mrs. Thatcher is reported to have single handedly defeated an invasion of the body snatchers in England on a blustery Autumn evening in 1986 during a full moon when she was in animal form.
When having sex, Mrs Thatcher refuses to remove her out garments. She rolls up her skirt, pushes down her tights, hops onto her desk and says she's penned you in for a 5 minute window.
When Mrs Thatcher flushes her toilet, southern England floods.
Was actually a Nigerian gynaecologist and sometime extra on The Bill born as KwameKwameKwameKwame in Lagos (not to be confused with Argos).
Margaret starred in several movies herself, produced by Cons Vervativ Studios so as to appeal to younger audiences and to propagate 'family values':
- "Thatcher gets a Rat-Catcher"
- "Thatcher meets The Hacker"
- "Thatcher becomes a Rapper"
[edit] Trivia
- Margaret Thatcher was a crack addict from 1369 to 2007
- During the 1980's Margaret Thatcher sold her vaginal fluids to saddam hussein to help make weapons of mass destruction, Saddam hussein reported that midget porn really got her gushing
- Margaret Thatcher was recently voted as the 'Sexiest Lay in Politics' by For Helm Magazine.
- Margaret Thatcher may be known as Darth Baroness somewhere.
- Margaret Thatcher was November's Playboy playmate of the month in the year 1769.
- Margaret Thatcher can travel through time.
- Margaret Thatcher masturbates with a guinea pig.[citation needed]
- A little known fact about Margaret Thatcher is that she was one of the first users of the drug Botox.
- Margaret Thatcher owns an Oyster card.
- Margaret Thatcher Von Adolf Bonny & Clyde Geena Davis McHitler IV has the world record for the number of penises, which amounts to 38.
- Thatcher is currently the subject of a 3 year long scientific study into why her skin has the same chemical properties as a DVD.
- Margaret Thatcher holds the undisputed universal record for the number of dog shits deep-throated in a minute.
- Margaret Thatcher was the first shemale to join the mile high club.
- In 1537, when young Maggie was 87 years old, he appeared as a guest villain in the BBC series Doctor Who, when costume time arose the make-up queer was so horrified by the most original evil genius make up ever conceived by evil forces, he burned his own eyes out with the hair straighteners, to which Maggie the Bastard replied, "WTF i didn't do nothin like eeeh yara reet divvy like mkan howay am not havin any of this like am gannin doon the pub".
- Margaret Thatcher was the only character on political puppet show Spitting Image to play herself.
- Margaret Thatcher co-founded Public Enemy with Flava Flav and DJ Norman 'Terminator X' Tebbit. She later left and was replaced by UKIP's Chuck D.
- Margaret Thatcher has similar breeding capabilities to the Hive Queen from Alien with over 600 offspring, including: Bruce Willis, Shaggy from Scooby Doo, Your Mom, William II, Daron Malakian, Abraham Lincoln and Finland.
- Margaret Thatcher started her career as an olympic ice skater, how she was disqualifed from the 1972 Winter olympics in Japan, because her erect nipples where 2.4cm over the restriced height. She then returned to Britain to become Mrs. A Hitler.
- Margaret Thatcher came second in a Street Fighter 2 Tournament in 1993. She blamed her Final loss on her opponent, Mr.T, overusing Dhalsim's Yoga Flame.
- Margaret Thatcher has a tattoo on her left buttock that closely resembles the symbol ╬ and remnants of Edward Heath, Arthur Scargill, Francis Pym, Michael Foot and Neil Kinnock can still be seen colouring the skin of both buttocks.
- Margaret Thatcher was the first woman to suffer from pineapple titties.
- Popular belief is wrong. Touching yourself at night wasn't the reason the dinosaurs died. Margaret Thatcher was the reason.
- Denis Thatcher was not her first love, but she lost contact with her first after "he invaded Poland".
- Margaret Thatcher often recites Russian poetry while eating small children.
- Margaret Thatcher enjoys long walks on the beach, Piña Coladas, and walking while watching you in pain.
- In a somewhat ironic twist, Margaret Thatcher invented trade unions
- Margaret Thatcher's boys took a hell of a beating.
- Margeret Thatcher accidentally invented the jet engine whilst trying to create a new sex toy for her Husband Dennis
- Margeret Thatcher was almost killed by a sudden attack of rust, she now bathes in Hammerite Rust Protector on a daily basis.
- Margeret Thatcher's tears are what Cillit Bang are made out of. Bang and the dirt is gone.
- Maggie Thatcher once stole a bag of marshmellows from a 5 year old child and stuck them up her arsehole on a day trip to clacton on sea
- Margaret Thatcher has crashed over 500 cars by refusing to turn as she approaches corners, despite Dennis's constant pleas she always responds with a determined outcry of 'the lady's not for turning!' It's a good job she's made of iron or she's be in a bit of a state by now, phew!
- In December 1989 "Merry Christmas for the Wealthy" was released by Lulu feat. Maggie T. Reaching the Christmas No. 1 spot, the single remains very popular with David Cameron and includes the lyrics "YoYo I'm Maggie T I'm gonna spit this / If ya wanna christmas carol take this bitch"
[edit] See also
- Evil
- Bob Marley
- Thatchers' Britain
- Corazon Aquino, Maggie's Oriental counterpart
- Ghost
- Zombie Reagan
- Norman Tebbit
- Fascist
- Alien
- Sith
- Tony Blair
- Nigella Lawson
- Iron Man
- Literally the worst person alive
- The Master
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