Magneto

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“Orphans? Like I care.”

~ Magneto on Eating Live Orphans

[edit] History

A young Jewish boy in Nazi Germany, Erik Magneto and his parents, Hymen and Ruth Magneto, were sent to Auchwitz to be exterminated. Magneto would later describe this as "not as fun as it looks". It was here his mutant powers first manifested, which saved his life as the Nazi guards soon discovered they could use him to stick notes to the fridge. Eventually the war ended, the concentration camp was closed and Magneto lost his only home, with only a tattoo to remind him of the old camp days.

He quickly gained notoriety for stealing peoples metal items and causing shopping carts to fly into him in WalMart. He later discovered that he was able to fly, by using his magnetic powers to attach his head to the undercarriage of aircraft.

At some point he fathered some children, but his wife fled when she realised he had white pubic hair. He would not learn of their existence until many years later, when he was suddenly hit with a paternity suit.

He was discovered by the television show "America's Got Talent", where he wiped the magnetic strips on peoples' credit cards, rendering them useless. This act of tyranny influenced his evil side, and he donned a purple jumpsuit and pranced around the world like a pompous arse, thinking he was unstoppable.

Many times over the years he came into conflict with the X-Men, a bunch of cultural imperialists who take issue with his simple Yiddish folk ways such as circumsising baby boys (though admittedly he mostly did this in parks while the mother wasn't looking), keeping Saturdays holy, and trying to enslave all of humanity. Usually he won though, because he's so badass.

For a short while he overcame his megalomania and actually joined forces with the X-Men, and was made a school teacher for the junior team, the New Mutants. This cruel act of revenge by Xavier twisted Magneto's mind and he was soon throwing cars through people again.

Being a child during World War II, Magneto is now over 70 years old, and uses his magnetic powers increasingly to keep kids off his lawn and to avoid having to bend down for things. But he's still really badass.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!"

[edit] Facts

Is a former Ultimate Fighting Champion.
Using his powers, Magneto once rode a Bullet around the world at the speed of light against the earth's natural rotation, thus traveling back in time allowing him to make a shitload of money off of Horse Racing.
Magneto never pays for anything.
MAGNETO USES WD-40.
Magneto tried to use his magnetic powers to destroy Bush's mind, but someone had got there first.
Magneto has a lesser-known twin brother, "Plastiquo" who's "mutant superpower" is the ability to manipulate plastic trash bins & garbage bags.
Once hit a cute little puppy with a stick... I know, I was there!
Though he has total control over metal, he can still be taken out pretty easily by throwing a rock at his head.