Malcolm X
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- This article is about the pope. For the rapper, see Malcolm X (rapper).
“I hate every drop of white rapist's blood that's in me.”
~ Malcolm X on his racial tolerance
“Ah, Malcolm X takes me back to the days when I was still with Collin. Man he was a great fellow, Collin, not only was he good at oily massage, he was also--Wait, what are we talking about again?”
~ Robert Mugabe on Who knows what the fuck he's talking about?
Pope Malcolm X (1468BC-2683AD) was the last and most famous of a line of Malcolms stretching back ten generations into prehistoric times, previously owned by Microsoft, then spun off to Google and auctioned on eBay, eBay is wholly owned and operated by Malcolm X. The "X" signifies variable first name, Malcolm was his screen name, his real name remains confidential as protected by the nondisclosure agreement honestly maintained by Enron. Well-known as the leader and chief confusion-maker of the X-Men, he was an amazingly prolific inventor, entremaneur, rabble-rouser, and back door man. He starred in the hit sitcom on FOX, "Malcolm X in the Middle". He was directly or indirectly responsible for a host of modern marvels:
KU KLUX KLAN: While in his younger days, at the young age of 72, malcom X was the Founding member of the KU KLUX KLAN. He went home one day and looked in the mirror, and realised he was indeed black; he divorced his wife for sleeping with a black man, his wife responded...."Ruf!!!!"
- Research he conducted on the heat-generating capacity of Angry Young Black Men was instrumental in developing Black Power, an alternative-energy source popular in the late 1960's. Unfortunately, the regulating devices were primitive, and Black Power soon gained a reputation for explosiveness.
- Designed a line of apparel including snazzy hats with his signature (a big 'X') on the front
- Developed a series of sensitive instruments capable of detecting hidden things and marking the spot where they were concealed.
- Issued the first rulebook for Tic-Tac-Toe.
- Discovered X-Rays
- Invented ballots
- Developed a windowing framework for UNIX
- Was the Senior car dryer at the In & Out Car wash in Detroit.
- Lead singer and theramin player for the straightedge hardcore punk bands Project X, Monster X, Emperor X, Emperor, X, X The Eliminator, The ex, Jud Jud, Killed in the Face and Fugazi.
- Invented Xmas
- Created an owl character in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe
- Discovered the X Chromosome
- Invented the original Xbox but never had it mass-produced. It's blueprints were later discovered by Microsoft in late 1627.
- Also known as Malcolm Sex or Malcolm SeX due to his incredible womanising
- In his bioflick, young Malcolm was played by Wayne Brady and older Malcolm was played by Bryant Gumbel
His predecessors include Malcolm I through IX, each precede with junior, senior, and freshman.
Contents |
[edit] Other Malcolms In the Line
[edit] Malcolm XI
Following the death of Malcolm X, this Malcolm decided to never take baths. Thusly, he traveled back in time and invented the shower in an attempt to save Malcolm X, since fish could never fit through little bitty holes, but water can! But Malcolm X didn't like showers, and XI was vaporized by the tech II Heavy Neutron Blaster from the finest Vo/Tech school his state had to offer.
[edit] Malcolm VIII
Minor Do-Wop singer/songwriter who never quite achieved lasting fame. His eponymous song I Be Malcolm VIII was later covered by Herman’s Hermits as I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am and became a huge hit in Japan.
[edit] Malcolm VII
An underwater demolitions expert with the US Navy SEALS, Malcolm VII was killed in a freak accident involving an explosive walrus, details of which are still classified, though some Lost fans speculate that it has something to do with the Hatch and/or the Polar bears.
[edit] Malcolm VI
Following in the tradition of his father Malcolm V, Malcolm VI also became an actor, receiving an Academy Award nomination for his portrayal of Steve Urkel in the biopic Steve Urkel, Man Of Action.
Malcom VI was known as Malcolm III in the US. The actual Malcolm III is now known as Malcolm IIIj.
[edit] Malcolm V
Successful actor who starred in the hit television series Malcolm in the Middle. Also, known as a devotee of the Spaghetti Monsterist religion.
[edit] Malcolm IV
Intending to run away and join the circus, young Malcolm IV fell in with a group of itinerant surgeons instead and became a First Response Gynecologist. His Uterine Emergency Team would later evolve into the FDNY Paramedic Unit and be immortalized on television by Randolph Mantooth and Kevin Tighe in the series Emergency!.
Because Malcolm II and Malcolm III were never released in the United States, Malcolm IV was known as Malcolm II there. Malcolm II proper is now known as Malcolm IIj. he as well an barney made wonderful music to share with the children of the corn but in the end failed to realize that by the end of te movie they would without hesitation KILL him! and so the bus drove on with out him or the children.
[edit] Malcolm Π
When irrational numbers were the new craze the Malcolm line decided to jump on board. Malcolm III decided, possibly in his Saran Wrapped craze, that his son should be named after the infamous number pi. In an unfortunate pie shop incident he was killed; it is believed that he haunts the halls of the pie shop to this day. However, now it is an adult toy shop...
After the unfortunate death of Malcolm Π, Malcolm IV was born with no knowledge that his older brother ever existed.
[edit] Malcolm III
Known only through his birth certificate and a hastily scribbled entry in a family Bible, Malcolm III is believed to have been born inside-out, surviving into adulthood thanks to a quick-thinking midwife who wrapped his little body in Saran Wrap to prevent evaporation.
[edit] Malcolm II
Born in 1695, Malcolm II was a Royal Good Luck Charm for Catherine the Great of Russia, who rubbed his head for luck during her frequent Kremlin crap games and orgies.
[edit] Malcolm Y
Because X is a white man's letter.
[edit] Malcolm I
A Pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, Malcolm I would not Let His People Go. Eventually they tired of him, kicked his ass, and went anyway.
[edit] Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm in the Middle didn't have a number by his name because the number 0 was not invented in his time. He got away with it anyway. There is a persistent fan rumor that Malcolm X and Malcolm are one and the same, which makes no sense given that they are physically and mentally only vaguely similar, and genetically only 99.8% identical.
[edit] Falcon Sex Conspiracy
It has been greatly rumored that Malcolm X's murderers weren't actually attempting to assassinate Mr. X at all, but actually the infamous super villain, Falcon Sex. Falcon Sex is a giant Falcon that walks on two legs, cannot fly, and has multiple sexual partners. He advocates unprotected sex and is the original inventor of all STD's except AIDS because that was caused by Bob Dole. Falcon Sex is still at large and is rumored to be hiding in President George Bush's closet.
[edit] The end of Malcolm x.
Malcolm X returned from a pilgrimage to Mecca after leaving the Nation of Islam. Getting back in time he saved Martin Luther King Jr. from a bullet by jumping in front of him. He died slowly telling King that he loved him. With the help of Betty Friedan and the weathermen MLK sought to fight Malcolm's killed.
