Males
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Males (also referred to as dudes) are fur bearing mammals that have genitals arranged in an ♂ shape. Borne of the mighty God Mars, they are a race of supreme beings from the planet "SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", where they battled for glory all day and all night, and basked in the rays of their raging sun's light in the warm grass whilst drinking their mighty Redbull (the elixir of Mars) for ages, but unbeknownst to them, a Strange Race crawled forth from the Darkness. Known as the Woman or Female, these Sinister Beings transformed their kind, twisted bodies (it has been hypothesized that they were once grues , but modern science and genome mapping have proven them to all be devolved from female ninja) into a shape that greatly aroused and confused the Males. These women then created institutions known as "Families" to subdue Males from their wild and mighty ways and erased much of Mankind's fierce and cruel original history, and renamed "SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" to Earth.
The male is the Mightiest creature of all living multi-cellular organisms ever to have existed on the planet "SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!".
Contents |
[edit] Origins
Men were created by the god Mars when he blew his load on a planet and scared the land. The Great Loadblow was caused by the woman Jessica Alba's suggestive poses in an intergalactic, pre-mortal magazine and Mars' long history of sexual addiction. Males looked nothing like today's males as they evolved from sea monkeys. After millennia, man began to walk upright. He discovered fire, and tools like axes, swords, and +10 warhammers were developed in short order. Man built colossal cities and giant robots, conquering this weak blue planet.
[edit] Biology
Males are more fatter than females, but real males don't have boobies, and can't make milk. You can discern a real man from an impostor by the fine pelage covering his body against the cold. This "man pelt," or "pelt," as the scientific community calls it, is as tough as steel wool, but as soft as a velvet child.
The pelt upon a male's head is commonly mistaken as hair. In fact, a man's head pelt is a braid of symbiotic worms given to man by mighty Mars. This is proven by their migration to various places in a man's life. First from the scalp to the pits and loin, then onward to gird the mighty jaws and upper lip. These, "hairs" have a shorter lifespan than the average man, and begin to die off around the age of 35 years. Some males mistakenly believe that hair restoration can bring their mighty symbiotes back, but alas, only Mars can grant you more man-pelt than you already have. In nature, Males are carnivorous, and use their mighty muscles to Subdue their hapless prey, thus why Man's natural prey, Wooly Mammoths, Sabertooth Tigers, Tyrannosaurus Rex and Loch-Ness Monsters are in such short supply in this day and age. Much like the Caterpillar, Males are capable of a complete metamorphosis. What a male becomes reflects several attributes: Awesomeness, Studliness, Honorability, Macho-ocity, How much he can "bench", how many other males he's K.O'd (thus why real men don't punch the inferior females), how many females he's "porked", how many different kinds of animals he's eaten and in what quantity, how good his reflexes are, and how awesome he is. Based on what quotas a male does or does not meet in all of those areas reflects what he can metamorphose into.
Though all males who live long enough eventually attain the "Old Man" stage, only a few males ever attain one or more of these forms:
1.Spartan 2.Ninja 3.Cage Fighter 4.Pirate 5.Viking 6.Caballero 7.Sniper 8.Scottish 9.Cage Fighter 10.Caveman 11.Cyborg 12.Hitman 13.Career Criminal 14.Alligator Wrestler 15.Werewolf 16. Bigfoot
[edit] Genitals (A.K.A, "The Man Parts")
Besides having Honour, any real Man must obviously possess a Penis, as well as two Testicles, known to the scientific community as "nuts" or "balls" (a male's only genuine weakness). Penises are usually comprised of solid mythril, mined by the swarthiest of Dwarves in the deepest bowels of the planet Mars. The Penis not only acts as a organ of reproduction, but also as the male's primary means of self-defense. Some Men are even capable of beating their enemies into the ground with naught but their Penis alone. This is why size has always been of such importance among males: the bigger the Johnson, the harder your enemy is pwzned.
[edit] Work
Males are known for being able to screw up anything with their hands. Be it a blunt cudgel, sharp stabbing implement, train, house, pyramid, giant robot, or even a planet, Males have been able to build it, someway, somehow, eventually finding a use for females by setting them to work, most notably for sustaining males' needs for food as they built thousands of log cabins with just their hands, teeth, and an axe.
[edit] Males - the Mighty Ape Beings of Sparta
It has been proven in the past, present AND future that
1. Males are THE laziest form of life(when not engaged in sex or battle)
2. Males can Pwn j00.
3. Males have the ability to crush skulls with their pecs alone.
4. Males are only as evil as ever being XY, while women are pure evil having XX.
5. Males have created everything.
6. Women will never Respect them, and Men will never give a damn one way or the other.
[edit] Critics
Women are not jealous of them and their mighty penises, Gays want to hump them, only Men can criticize Men.
[edit] People who are Male
- Chuck Norris
- Bruce Lee
- Master Chief
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Leonidas
- Sean Connery
- Mr.T
- Skeletor
- Oscar Wilde
- Abraham Lincoln
- William Wallace
- Burger King
- John Locke
- Pikachu
- Maddox
- Santa Claus
- David Hasselhoff
- Ayn Rand
- Godzilla
- Mario
- Nietzsche
- Rosie O'Donnel
- Hillary Clinton
- Jesus
