Malta
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| Feudalistic Republic of Maltese Kingdom - Renju-Rebbublika Fiwdalistika Maltieja | |
 |  |
| Official languages | Malta has many many languages that it forces everyone to speak. These include:
and counting |
| Population: | 410,000 and counting |
| Religion: | Exremist Catholic |
| National Bird | Maltese Falcon |
| National anthem | Il-But tieghi ma jmissu hadd, il-vot tieghi ma nbiddlu qatt, demmi blu, demmi ahmar, l-aqwa ma jitilawx tal-ahdar! |
| Political Parties: |
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| National Hero | Benito Mussolini |
| Recent History | 1972 - War of Oil vs. Wyoming |
Malta is a large, expansive island situated in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea and is part of the Pope Crew. Malta is very much in demand as a collector's item as a miniature copy of Italy.
Malta used to be part of Italy, but when Sicily was kicked out of Italy, Malta went with Sicily. The Maltese got their revenge on them however, when they stole all everything from Italy, like their language, culture, people, food, music, film, TV, fashion, and Romeo and Juliet.
Contents |
[edit] History
About 3000 BC, the Knights of Rhodes decided to colonize the island. However after colonizing the whole island (finding their city Vallelata Galbani), they found it too large to administrate effectively and departed, leaving as their legacy a track of Banana Republic oriented people. Historical rumors suggest that even 4000 years before the pyramids, a clan of protoMaltese existed - they must have been protoMaltese because like the current natives they constantly built temples, regardless of what was worshipped.
During 1678AD, Malta decided to make a revolutionary war and create its own state named Malta. The reason was due to the local governor of the IRA not completing a road in time for Pope Caroline III's visit. The leaders of the revolutionary war were Dom Mintoff and Eddie (il-Fenech) Tadami. Eddie Tadami is renowned for inventing the "Fenech Theorem" which states that 1 million + 1 million = 100 million. This theorem is applied mostly when drawing up the yearly budget...
After many years of independence and reforms the new country took, it decided to form a new empire and started its invasion on the Internet through the IRC. Although on the IRC front the Empire is gaining victories through the use of its Legion of Retards, the IRA decided to strike back and currently there is a war going between the Maltese and the Africans. Half of the Island is under the Africans and the Capital City of Malta Vallelata Galbani has already fallen. The consequences were that politically the Island is divided into Blue Bloods and Red Bloods. The Blue bloods are more orgy-fest oriented while the Red Bloods are still undergoing a socio-political devolution. Red bloods are also called the U-Turners.
The empire fell into decline particularly because the emperors couldn't tell doors from their assholes, and Eddie Tadami (or "Ta' Dubju" as known by Maltese) took up a dictatorial post with his army of ravaged genetically mutated kinnie bottles where kinnie is the official, cat urine flavoured drink of the Maltese islands. The population of Malta lived under a reign of terror until a hero came. His name was Gary Sheffield (also known as "Tal Qed Tifhem" and "tal-qarnieta s-sewda" by Maltese). In the massive fight that followed, Gary drew up his massive cane and shoved it up Eddie's Buttocks, popping it out of the far side of his mouth. Eddie was now dead and Gary Sheffield rebrought about a democratic society were he promoted ideas such as multiculturalism and invented many MagixMix products which are popularly used by the Maltese and immigrants alike. He also revived the old Banana Republic tradition of dancing nude around prehistoric temples.
It is well known that the Time Lord Doctor Who spent a number of years in Malta during the war.
An alternative history says that once upon a time some useless knights that nobody wanted got fobbed off onto the Maltese by some Spanish guy who had won it as a prize in a game of cards with the otherwise debt-free very wily Hubertus Huber Haber from Schwaben (Swabia). The Maltese put up with them, the girls welcomed them with open arms and --- until the French knights let Napoleon invade, at which point they lost their temper and asked for the intervention of some British folks who duly took control of the huge island with a garrison which was only inferior to that present in the Indian sub-continent. The Maltese Cross was the symbol of these knights. An Italian once told me that the most appropriate way to make a Maltese cross is to step on his toe. I tried it once and my hospital bill proved him right...
[edit] Language
Due to the fact that Malta has been owned by every single country in Europe at some point in time, it has absorbed the cultures of many of them. There was one thing in particular that Malta liked though, and that was their languages. It took the languages from all of them, and in fact now has around 16 national languages that are all commonly spoken by the locals. If someone is not fluent in all of these by the time they have started school, they will be chucked onto Comino, the island off Malta known as "Prison Island", which currently has a population of 8. Some of the most commonly spoken languages spoken on Malta are:
- Maltese (also known as Phoenician)
- English
- Italian
- French
- Greek
- Spanish
- German
- Dutch
- Norwegian
- Icelandic
- Voodoo
The Maltese language itself is in fact a mix of every single language in the Meditteranean. This is due to Malta's hobby of stealing other languages.
Today, people are struggling to cope with the growing number of languages, and are merging them. In a common everyday sentence spoken by a Maltese person, every word will be from a different European language, and also English (as England is not part of Europe as it does not use the Euro). However, the English are forcing their language over the area, and the Maltese language is now like Welsh, and is only spoken by OAPs. In fact, Malta once wanted to steal Welsh too, but the Welsh defended it strongly, sending their sheep after the Maltese. Unfortunately, things are not that simple for the Maltese, as the Italians think that Malta is still part of Italy, and are also forcing their language on the Maltese. This has got the Maltese people very confused, so much so that they decided to stop using language all-together.
Nowadays many grammar fascists live in Malta and were influenced by the pro-British dream of "Malti Safi" - Maltese purified from Roman and Italian elements and also Anglo-Arabicised, just to look as Arabo-navarrese-British pseudo-Phoenician gentlemen, most of these people come from PetituVille which is an English speaking village of local nostalgics of the gloriously defunct British Imperium. They changed the EU's money to ewaro (from euro), and even got Microsoft to rewrite it's XP interface in Maltese. Only the sad bastard who translated this was not Maltese at all, but a funny Japanese nutty professor who thinks he knows some Maltese. The poor guy got it all wrong. 'Start' became 'ignition' and 'Programs' became 'Purgatory' or 'Laxatives'.
[edit] Politics
Malta currently has four main political parties. These are:
- Maltese Mafia
- Sicilian Mafia
- Italian Mafia
- Roman Empire Italian Party ("REIP". Pronounced "Rape")
As Malta is the world's mafia capital, the Mafia is a popular choice of political rule. There are three main options for this, with the Maltese, Sicilian, or Italian Mafia being widely available to choose. Malta's other option, REIP, is a political party that encourages the growth of the Roman Empire, and will use rape as its favored method for conversion to the Empire.
After the electoral victory of any political party there are huge open air parties lasting 5 days and 5 nights after which the voters already realise what a great mistake they made. This was especially seen when the War of Oil began which resulted in the complete annihilation of Wyoming. Although they destroyed Wyoming, they soon realized that Wyoming never had oil in the first place and it was deemed one of the biggest military failures in history. But anyway shit happens!
Today the Maltese are conquering Europe under the supervision of the soon to be European emperor Gary Sheffield, with the largest army in the world! Already Gozo has fallen, without a fight (as usual a sort of war fetishism which recurred after the Great Siege of 1565) to the infamous 10th Totally Legal Immigrant Maltese-Somali Expeditionary Force. This force is being led by no other than the great general Normal Lowell.
Sicily does not recognize Malta as an independent country, as it claims the small archipelago to be "a province of the Sicilian Republic".
[edit] New turn in the tide of Maltese History
Norman Sheffield was found to have been a collaborator of the Africans, freemasons, jews, and the bigilla people (the old evil aristocracy). The people disenchanted and disgusted by this turned to the 19eme regiment de la Republique Francais, on 18th Brumaire the 19eme marched on Vallelata Galbani and overthrew the government. The leader of the Regiment a Grenadier which is a direct descendant of Louis XIV of France took power and the Banana Republic gave way to the French Kingdom of Malta. Yes Malta becomes an absolute Monarchy under the reign of King Francois I de Bourbon-Malte, a new age for Malta comes into being. The population steadily expands, exterminating all Africans on the island after a violent battle on the hill of Casal Arrabiato. I am God MUAHAHA!
Francois I started various embelleshing projects for Malta, pulling down various British style buildings and instead of them building palaces and villas which are enjooyed by the majority of the population. Moreover the preachers from "mount independent" and "mount times" were sent packing to exile for their support of Gary Sheffield's policies and the crimes against rights of the Citoyens of the Rebubbliga-Renju.
[edit] Maltese Roads
Malta is particularly well known for the quality of its long stretches of pristine and well built roads (not lined by crash barriers ofcourse why, that would be too safe! We cannot have that in malta, no we just make really unsteady and ugly walls that will fall on your car if you go past them). Maltese roads are renowned worldwide, and are of such a good quality that both Pope John Paul and Queen Elisabeth's bottoms were more than comfortable when riding around in their carriages, the romans had copied the maltese roads and took all the credit(bloody italians). Maltese workmen undergo years and years of hard training. Few people are aware of the fact that it takes a PhD to laze around at the side of the road for ages on end and still be able to build roads which last well over 6 weeks before needing further maintenance, ofcourse none of them holds up a men at work sign, none of them can do it with a straight face! Malta's people may rest assured that they are being ripped off well by their government and may sleep comfortably at night knowing that their money is going to waste, Maltese comments : 'well we take pride in the fact that all our roads are like hazardous untested training courses worthy of evil canevil!'. Drivers must be accredited after attending special training to keep their eyes glued to the road in order not to miss the patches of surface between the potholes.
[edit] Holidays
Always friendly to foreigners. So friendly that they provide you with a rental car and a set of skrewdrivers to fix it (otherwise you'd be screwed). The drinks are cheap, especially at the corner shop, about two in the morning, when the 13 year olds go home. If you are a foreign student trying to find your way home while you think your head is 4 times heavier than the rest of your body, then you have the high chance of meeting a group of about 12 to 18 friendly young Maltese boys asking you for a lighter - and then they are so kind to help you take it out of your pocket, including you wallet, your mobile, the rest of you change, your ID and maybe even they take the puke out of your stomach punching it till you are about to suffocate and on your own vomit. The Police help - call them, they are there after about 2 hours only!
[edit] Night Life
All night life in Malta is situated Paceville, which everyone knows obviously means "Peace village" due to the fact that it is so quiet and picturesque.
Paceville covers about a mile, and every single building within it is either a bar, club, pub or a house whose owner has kindly volunteered their doorstep for drunken revellers to vomit on. The entire Maltese population comes here every night to rave. This helps maintain its quaint appeal as "Peace village".
Barmen and Club owners are friendly to customers of all ages (especially those between the ages of 9 and 13), this makes buying alcoholic beverages easy. Apart from all 16 natioanl languages, Barmen speak in a variety of different languages including fluent and diverse forms of grunting, scratching, coughing and spitting, and long periods of gazing and nodding when encountering difficulty in understanding those lousy French bastards who refuse to speak any language but their own.
Live entertainment on the the streets of Paceville does not follow any sort of timetable or schedule, but one may encounter several opportunities of entertainment such as the usual police chasing after Arabs, police comedic relief as they never manage to catch the Arabs, dodge the bouncer, fake your age and nationality to get into clubs, hop-skip and jump the puddles of puke, hop-skip and jump the 13 yr old drunkards, bully and steal from those pesky kids, bully and steal from those pesky kid's friends.
Transport back home is ready available and very reasonably priced as there is always that 50% chance of crashing and dying on your way back to your roach motel cough cough hotel. But be warned that bus and minivan drivers DO NOT accept any form of small change, so be sure to carry lm20 or lm10 notes. Failure to do so will result in your getting run over.
Be sure to read all disclaimers on buses and minivans that will readily state that they accept absolutely no responsibility for: death, injury, dismemberment, loss of eye sight/manhood/items of monetary value/items which look like they might be of monetary value/children, intoxication from vehicle, shattered pelvis (its the damn governments fault for making such superbly engineered roads), finally being dumped in a field somewhere.
[edit] Hobo-Bobos
Malta is also full of Hobo-Bobos these people are found all around the island, especially in the Northern part of the Island. These common hybrid species have the skill to talk bilingual at once, mixing maltese and english in the same sentence. One might think that these are slow people but it is obvious that they are a full expression and you will SHIT BRIX when you see these hybrid species.
[edit] Bird Life
As Europe undergoes the seasonal migratory passage of all kinds of birds, from the wee little sparrow to massive eagles, some of them do occasionally fly over Malta. As many people may know, Maltese people just love their birds. Malta is in fact made almost entirely of bird shit.
This can be witnessed by taking a stroll along Malta's countryside and seeing for yourself all the robins and other similarly sized birds singing joyfully whilst being fed and given clean drinking water by the Maltese friendly trappers in extra large cages. As a matter of fact, calling the cages cages is a little cruel. They should be known as bird palaces, bird villas or something exotic of the sort. You see, these bird villas are extremely spacey, often allowing the bird to fly around and catch their own food in the cage itself. The purpose of these villas, as explained to me on more than one occasion by the Maltese friendly hunter/conservationist, is so that the little friendly bird can have a respite before going back on its way to another country. The Maltese hunter/conservationist figures that, being that Malta is such a big island, getting from Africa to Europe these birds do deserve a long, nice respite in one of their 5 star villas.
Sometimes, one of the many millions of birdwatchers around the island do notice that many birds would have been savagely hurt by all the tigers and corn snakes found in Africa. Therefore, these very clever birdwatchers decide that that bird should need a slight stay on the Maltese Bird Hospital found in Mizieb (or on their wall at home). The birdwatchers would arm their exceedingly accurate shotguns and flak cannons with harmless little pellets and shoot exactly in front of the injured bird, forcing that bird to land. Don't worry though, ALL Maltese trappers/conservationists must hold a license, and go through a grueling and painstakingly difficult programme on accuracy. When the bird does land, the Maltese Tal-Kacca friendly and well fed dogs go fetch the bird, gently picking the injured bird (by lions and cornsnakes) and carrying the sad bird all the way to the Mizieb Bird Hospital where a friendly birdwatcher will nurse it back to health.
The upshot is that Malta is relatively immune to avian flu.
[edit] Brand Malta
The Male
The average male size is about 3.5 foot (wide), and sports a huge moustache that has never been shaved in his whole life. In fact, when browsing about in the depths of the moustache one often finds bits of food that can be dated to when the male was still in puberty. However, the moustache has a survival purpose. In Malta there are periods of great famine (usually around the time when the birds do not cross over the island) and a male can provide for himself and his family by combing out all the bits and pieces of food left over in his moustache.
Although the Maltese do not have any facilities offering education in national or team spirit of any sort, the male is notorious for his high standards of politeness, especially when it comes to driving, when drunk, when in a foul mood and even when its that time of the month. Oh yes ladies, in Malta the men suffer from a PMS thats so high it would dwarf the late (bless his soul.Not.) Saddam Hussein's passion for killing.
The Maltese male is also a deep and devout revoloutionary. Tradition is definitely "in" on this island and the Maltese male is always the first to critize adminisrations for their lack of originality and spirit of revoloution.
The Female
The female figure, facial features and basic needs do not differ from the Maltese male. However, a biologist can differentiate between sexes because the Maltese female is usually always scratching her private area. This is because there is an unually high rate of yeast infections on the island as a result of the huge moustaches of the Maltese male and his "secret chambers" of hidden food.
It is a long known fact that Victoria's Secret has often tested cup sizes on the Maltese female. As a result the female often harbours similar sentiments that lab rats do. This greatly boosts the morale of the female, as they have learnt to befriend the friendy sewer rat and thus they never feel lonely.
Mating Procedure
The Maltese female is the only female specimen in the world that does not enjoy the comforts and pain killing feeling of being "on", or "bil-period". They do however give birth. This has been achieved by the extremely clever biology and chemistry scientists of Victoria's Secret. What happens is that when the Maltese female and male specimens are about to mate, the male releases his eggs when kissing the female. The eggs pass up the gullet of the Male and into the females body via the tongue. When the female has digested the eggs a light bulb goes off just under her abdominal region. The light bulb is an energy saving light fixture and when lit lets off a pink light, warming her ovaries and keeping the eggs safe from thecold temperatures outside. The lighting of the bulb is a sign that the eggs are in place and ready to be fertilized.
Maltese enjoy sex just like every other human species. The male lies down on his back and proceeds to fall asleep. When the male is in a deep snoring sleep the female gently places the pliers on the males nipples, squeezing them until a white coloured blood comes out. The female then scoops up that white blood with a spatula, spreads the white blood on a fresh ftira and eats it. At that point the male will wake up and demand a cigarette.
The white blood will then be delivered to the eggs via the digestive system of the female, and 31 months 3 days and 2 hrs later the couple will have a lovely Maltese baby.
[edit] Maltesers
The Maltese are also the inventors of Maltesers they get their excrements and donate to a factory where little chocolate balls are produced and they are exported to various western countries. Yumm!! These are mostly requested by Irish and Welsh people who go crazy for these delicacies which they store in their own mustache for when they go in War in Iraq, Iran or North Korea while killing their own people of hunger, pestilence and unemployment.
[edit] See also
Categories: Islands | Europe | Countries
