Madchester
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
 The Manchester banner
| |
| Motto: "Rave On" | |
| State | England |
| Official languages | Mancunian |
| Mayor | Morrissey |
| Established | 1982 |
| Currency | United shirts/Cotton/Drugs |
| Opening hours | Whenever the The Haçienda reopens |
| Civic anthem | "Step On" by the "Happy Mondays" |
“I'd rather shit in my eye lids than live there. Geoffrey bring my hunting riffle, we're off to scum filled Wankchester”
~ Genius
“Mancunians are not people, and ethnic cleansing should be used to rid the UK of all northeners/ people with a northern accent. Fucking pirates. *spit* ”
“Except for the sea, the river, the city, the sun, the people, the streets...well i hate it here”
~ Ian Brown
Madchester is a sunny, warm and friendly country located somewhere between the Wonderful world of Scouseland and Tup North. Madchester is sometimes known as Moss Side or Manchester, or (relating to the new supercasino) "The Three Cherries". Manchester also has one of the highest rates of interbreeding (the most is in Birmingham) and no gun crime (Nottingham holds the title of Gun Capital), whatever the lying southeners like to say about this. Interbreeding causes the genetic pool to dwindle, and this can be seen when Birmingham residents come to the city to see what a real city should look like and realise they're not in Liverpool. The local priest has called for Manchester to be twinned with Hell in the hope that hell will take notes, adapt a Madcunian approach to living and a new sense of pride can be had down there.
Contents |
[edit] Geography and Agrigultural Demographics
Madchester is west of Yarksher. The usually polite and freshly washed visitor from Yarksher can tell he is approaching Madchester when the M62 becomes paved with turds. The city is surrounded on three sides by piss. The River Mersey (ScouseScum Water) to the south, the Madchester Ship Canal to the north, and River Thames to the west. On the fourth side is Mount Everest: uprooted from the Himalayas and placed across the M62 to keep it out of sight of Yarksher. Madchester has a zig zag of canals, much like Venice, except the canals in Manchester have foam and not tonnes of floating shit and frequent rape. This is where the weekly "Hang and drown the Cock-ney" took place, until the extinction of the Cock-ney in 1987.
Mancs have a kind-hearted fondness for their Welsh neighbour-city Liverpool. Liverpool president Pete Price has said that their fondness is borderline hetrosexual. Madchester is popular with gays as it is the arsehole of the universe. Many gay refugees from Yarksher are welcomed to Madchester each year, where they receive free counselling for the trauma caused by the annual Yarksher Gay Hunt, where men pursue 'poofs' through fields and catapult flaming Yarksher terriers at them. They then put them in stocks and force them to wear itchy wool suits and entirely unironic flat caps.
Madchester city centre has some stunning examples of seventies architecture including the Arndale (bog-wall) Centre, a masterpiece and the only shopping centre in the world that looks exactly like a men's public toilet. However the urban renewal programme started by a progressive design consultant group (the IRA) has largely remodelled the landscape. However, the IRA are yet to receive payment for this, or their redesign of Warrington, and are considering suing Madchester council.
Madchester is surrounded by the Great Wall of Madchester created by MadDog 60/60 (MadDog 20/20's Grandfather) it bears the moniker M60 in deference to him.
Historically, Madchester was part of Wales, but has since grown independence which accounts for the stunning accent and perfect spelling.
'Buzzin' is the only adjective known to Mancs: they find Man Utd buzzin and Man City buzzin and George Best buzzin, in fact, every thing is buzzin. Even George Best found the limited vocabularly so tedious he drank himself into a stupor every night to escape his Madchester sentence. When asked how booze made him feel, he replied 'buzzin.'
[edit] History
Madchester was founded by the Immortal God-King Anthony H. Wilson in 1980 AD (After Disco). He was infact a Scouser. It subsequently absorbed the principalities of Salford ,Bolton and Stockport although many refuse to accept Tony's rule and active terrorist groups persist including the IRA - I Really 'Ate (madchester) known for their lack of spelling and the Salford Lads Club led by Morrissey.
Madchester was once the Rape capital of the U.K but the village of Birmingham now holds that title. In short, your chances are good, unless you are male as the incidence of bumrape is ridiculously high due to all the gays. Especially during the summer months when it hosts its Annual Festival Of Peace. Also known as Peacefest. Ian Brown and Paul Scholes are said to be avid enthusiasts of the yearly shindig. [[Paul Scholes, usually the reserved type, was heard saying to Gary Lineker " seriously get your money down, its an anal free for all, buzzin".
[edit] Stupid fire of Manchester
In 1968, British Education Minister Sir Donald Duck published figures which showed that for the first time in its 700 year history, the average IQ of people in Manchester had surpassed 50. To "celebrate this feet (sic)" the city organized a large mardi-gras parade through the town centre, with a dazzling array of shows and entertainment, illuminated by a fantastic lighting system and deafening bass drums. Unfortunately, they chose cockney electrician David Beckham to rig the lighting system. The resulting fire which was ignored by the local fire departments because they couldn't hear the phone call over the bass drums destroyed one third of the buildings in the city centre, including the library, the polytechnic, several schools, The Winter Hill television transmitter was destroyed by the mayor fleeing the fire in his Morris Mini. The net effect of this was that within 6 months, the average IQ had dropped back to a pre-war 49, and is yet to recover.
[edit] Ecstasy riots
In 2001, following a highly successful promotion by Sky Television, an estimated 27% of Manchester households acquired satellite television receivers in a period of just 7 weeks. On August 14th, an episode of COPS showed a large shipment of ecstasy being seized by Sheriff John Burnell in Manchester, Georgia. A large number of residents believed this to have occurred in their town, and many went out immediately to search for a supply, before it dried up. More than 700 people died in the resulting riots, including 100 who had barricaded themselves in the Rovers Return pub. When surrounded by police who'd learned that they had each acquired between 2 and 4 pills, they quickly decided to swallow the evidence and deny everything. Subsequently, the average IQ increased by 3 points.
[edit] The Cheese Wars
In 4536 BC Lord Wensleydale Von Duffledar declared war on the rogue Chorlton Cheese Society, who were lobbying Parliament to reduce cheese tax by 5.6%. The fierce war raged for approximately 895 years until a succession of Morrissey's were brought in to mediate. After a hugely successful reconciliation between the groups, Lord Wensleydale was killed in a tragic goat herding drive-by in the then beautiful district of Moss Side. Madchester physically recovered from the war quickly, but the effect on the local cheese economy was devastating, with 70% of stiltons, 85% of cheddars and 96% of Edams destroyed or crippled.
[edit] Successes
[edit] Sporting Prowess
Manchester accidentally staged the International Wife-Swapping Games in 1994. After a joke note was inadvertently slipped into a burger of a visiting dick-lomat from the IOC (International Oil-Limpet Committee) who had just been released after being taken hostage by the Prestwich cheesy-poof posse, and had ran into the Gorton chippy thinking it was a derelict.
Upon eating the burger, the dick-lomat, a close personal friend of a young androgynous Samari, nearly choked to death on the serviette, as the note seemed to have gotten lodged in his oral cavity. After having extracted it and examined its mangled contents, he immediately sent word by carrier-tortoise to the androgynous Samari’s office and got the Games permanently moved from the cultural capital of Newark, New Jersey to sunny shiny Manchester.
The note had been placed inside the serviette by Chap Parmi, the Madchester Shitty Cuntshole Minister-for-boys-and-barking-ideas. He’d been opening a new 24 hour drive-tru washeteria at an abandoned church and former crack-house in Beswick but got a bit tipsy on the Reverend Loveboys communion sherry. After buggering the bursar, three choir-boys and a Cardinal (all over 16, consenting adults of course) Chap had scribbled a few notes for the next days speech on a spunk-stained tissue. During the cleaning process the aforesaid crusty item was placed strategically in a box of Grade-A beef and ended up being delivered to the Chippy the next day in error.
The IWSG were a major success attracting about 13 competitors from 83 countries, which upset the numbers a bit so one of the commentators from BBC Wales/CumU stepped in to fill the void - and how grateful the Bulgarian competitor was too. The Games propelled Madchester to the very edge of cool international sporting venues and literally scores of other events soon followed – although only one was ever staged due to licensing laws and the ghost of bum-fun-hater Jaynes Anderton-Shelter former Greater Manchester Police Chief Cunt(un)-stable.
[edit] The Lesbeechian and Gaze Muddy Grass
First staged on a biscuit tin in 1805 the “Mardy-Arse” festival started life as a celebration of misery and grumpiness. “Don’t you cum the mardy-arse with me young fella me lad” was a popular retort in Shakespearean times, just behind the Royal Exchange Theatre at least. By 1996 it had grown to the sixth-least-smallest lesbian and gay pride event in Cheshire with over one-hundred-thousand leaflets given away with Tesco’s ready-meals and free rectal exams.
So popular did the bi-annual/trans-fatty-gender/people-of-an-usual-colour festival become, that an extra crate of fags had to be ordered from Makro’s. At it’s height the queerfest attracted such international celebates as Vera Duckworth, Mrs Merton and Dolly from Emmerdale Farm. Overcome by the excitement of three thousand drunk gays toppling around Canal Street shouting “Oi bitches who thieved me drugs”, several notable people were known to have 'come-out', on the spot (see spontaneous humane combustion) including: Dame Thora Hird, Brad Pitt, Jesus and Dolly from Emmerdale Farm.
The Muddy Grass festival went from strength to strength and converted over three million schoolchildren when the parade was unexpectedly diverted past every school in the UK by freak weather conditions in 1898. The last one, in 1942 was taken over by a mysterious clan of black-leather-wearing, goose-stepping lesbians from Little Himmler, Lancashire. There is a blue-plaque to mark the contribution the festival played in homoculturism, just behind the deep-fat fryer in McTurckies. But it got pulled off the wall and used as a deadly frizbee during the Pole Tax riots of nineteen-ninety-ninety.
[edit] British Rail AwayDays from Manchester Oxford Rude
Another great success in the long and turgid history of Madchester, were the sadly missed AwayDay tickets, introduced in 1974 by MacFisheries, the failed supermarket chain. For every pound of fat spent in their Cheadle Headle store, shoppers could get six yards of Green Shield Stampede vouchers, which could be exchanged every fourth Friday in February for a free rail ticket to anywhere outside the majestic North West. Over six million of the tickets were issued to local people. While the tickets were all one-way, and only 47 people ever made it back, this had the unforeseen consequence that Greater Manchester ‘lost’ a huge percentage of its population, taking it from the biggest city in the northern hemisphere, all the way down to the second biggest, after new title holder Keithley.
[edit] Ring’n’Rim’Ride
This was a short-lived but highly popular service of instant gratification for mis-abled people introduced by GM Buses in 1995 from their Ardwick bus depot. The concept was simple; 'Dial and Defile'. As the advert put it; “Why bother to leave the comfort of your own home to wait around in the draught for one of our rickety old buses, when you can simply call us on 061 669 6969 and we’ll drop the entertainment in your back passage”. The highly popular service was curtailed after just 20 seconds of operation due to an accident involving old man Peterson and a rather odd looking bird known locally as the "buffle-headed titmouse." Apparently the strange bird was attempting to cross the road as one of the monsterous buses was approaching from the west. Mr. Peterson, known to many as a sick and demented prankster, began hurling jelly donuts at the windsheild of the bus, causing the driver to fart uncontrollably. The panic-stricken driver swerved and ended up rolling right over the buffle-headed titmouse. The bird happened to be on Madchester's endangered species list, and local leaders and douche-bags cried histerically upon hearing the news of the bird's demise. It was then decided that the buses would be replaced with safer and more endangered-species-friendly vehicles. A group of bicycle makers formed a think-tank to design these new public transportation vehicles. After a year all they came up with was a three-wheeled device that they called the "Nincompoopian." This machine had a small battery-powered engine that had been taken from an electric weed wacker. Although they were able to make the necessary connection from the motor to the drive shaft, they never figured out how to remove the wacking apperatus (the spool of thick wacking line). This resulted in a very sore buttox as the passenger was repeatedly whipped across the backside by the plastic string. The Nincompoopian suffered other design flaws and could only reach a top speed of 9.63545828923789659824986289769867098709820760 miles per hour (that's 11.7099072878 kilometers/hour for people of the Gandolphredrumustingko persuasion). The Nincompoopian was thus shit-canned, and the people of Madchester are still working on a new form of public transportation. If you have any good ideas, please send your schematic drawings and material specs to the Madchester Dept. of Rolling Things.
[edit] Manic-Chest-Hair: The Music Hall
aka 'The Folical' was an anti-hair music hall opened by fur-haters during the sexual resurection of the 1760's. Situated in Harpurhey (originally known as 'Hair-pour-Hay' after the French habit of replacing badly cut locks with straw), the music hall was as much a product of the steam razor as it was of the hippy culture of yesteryear. Jimmy Saville first played the "Sage of a QueeryArse" here and got boo-ed off stage. dianne is a fukin milf chetty
[edit] Commerce and Industry
The headquarters of the BBC is moving to Manchester (due on 2011) because there are lots of people who will make excellent members of staff and senior producers unlike Birmingham which is full of Foreigners who couldn't fit into Bradistan.
[edit] Architecture
It is said that Madchester boasts the best array of architecture in the country with the likes of the Arndale and Levenshulme, even better than Liverpool with their Super Lamb Banana. In recent times the city imposed a strict rule that only allows glass apartments to be built, which results in the city's architectural style of "post-Victorian neo-Euro-contemporary modernism". Nowadays the builders of Madchester are only able to build apartments as living in Moss Side is quite heavenly. Citizens don't take kindly to bulldozing their old Victorian buildings and burying the city in concrete, as everyone knows no city in England would want to follow the Birmingham way. So many historical gems remain, such as Piccadilly station, overpowering the Brum's New Street station which is comparable to Baghdad.
The city is known for it's craze for building skyscrapers, trumping neighbors such as London, London and Madchester.
[edit] Transport
Madchester boasts an adequate transport system. With the influx of traffic from the Traffic Centre, other forms of transport are popular. Including Unicycles, Ostrich riding, Piggiebacks, Sewage surfing and warp drive.
Madchester has 89 train stations. However only four are left operable after the chavs conquered most of them in an attempt to increase pedestrians within the city (thus increasing the number of theft victims).
Since the demise of the Ring’n’Rim’Ride bus system in 1995, the people of Madchester have found other ways of getting around. A vehicle called the "Nincompoopian" was discarded after receiving the prestigious Shit-sack award for worst invention of the century and people began hay-balling. Hay-balling started when Trevor Kunkle, a crank maker, stole some hay from a farm in Liverpool. He took the hay and proceeded to wrap it around his body, fixing it in place with duct tape. Once he achieved a firm round shape, he rolled himself down a hillside. This idea took off and soon everyone in Madchester was hay-balling to and from work and school. Eventually the farmers of Liverpool had enough of people making-off with their hay. Guards wearing football cleats and armed with whips, tennis raquets and attack-goats were placed strategically around the perimeter of Liverpool and the practice of hay-balling was put to rest.
Therefore most people use the world famous Metro link. Described as “the love child of a train and a Reliant Robin” by Sir Nicky Butt in 1997, the Metro Link serves as the chariot of the tramp. Free for all who don’t want to pay, it takes people from anywhere in Madchester to such glorious locations as Altrincham, Eccles, Bury and France.
There are flaws with the Metro such as the lack of any Chav Defence System, meaning that travel can get dangerous/annoying. However most tourists agree that leaving Madchester on a Metro is “the best part of the trip”.
Transport in Greater Manchester is operated by GUMPTY (Going Up My Passage To Yours) a privately funded public partnership (the public gives a private company all the money and we're left with a few rotten old busses left over from On The Buses belching out exhaust fumes from burning passengers on Oxford Road) which oversees the running of expensive reports into lavish transit schemes that never happen.
[edit] Tourist Attractions
Madchester has many famous attractions for tourists that are visiting the city. Here is a brief selection.
[edit] The Madchester Stupid Idiots Museum
Home of the famous people that were born in Madchester, or have been famous as a result of being in Madchester. As they are such stupid idiots they are trapped inside the museum even though there is an easy way to get out. Many can be seen wandering around, and you can even ask them questions. Such people are: footballer David Beckham, You, A man who thought a train would stop if he stood in front of it, and many many more.
[edit] Gay Street
A short back passage, just off Princess Street, where heterosexuals go to gawp at The Gays. Now designated a Site of Scientific Infest by the Department Of Boys. This article is actual truth. Do not believe otherwise.
The founders of gay street were born in 3 billion B.C and are believed to have the names Nick Tsai-Goodman and Michael Keefe, Bristolians who were so jealous of the coolness of Manchester, they tried to become Mancunian by creating this road.Their names are inscribed on the entrance to gay street.
To add further to the absolute truth the main street in The Gay village was aptly named Canal Street. After being a renouned place of gay gatherings the local populous went out armed with tip-ex and removed the C and S to read Anal treet.
[edit] Beat'ham Tower
For 43 years Madchester held the record for the tallest council house outside of London, the CIS (Chavs In Salford coz there ain't no chavs 'ere) Tower. However in 2006 it lost this title to Birmingham Clown Circus, which was made taller with a sign on the rooftop saying "Fuck off, we are the second city". Enraged, Madchester later that year completed a taller building, twatting Birmingham's tower by miles, with a screen projection on the front reading, "We're gonner get Noel Gallagher on yer". The tower has been named the Beat'ham tower to remind the Brummies that no-one messes with Madcunians.
This resulted in a riot bit of fisticuffs in Birmingham, set off by Noel, ensuing the local village council to build taller buildings, using newfangled materials such as "steel", instead of their traditional concrete, but so far met with no progress.
[edit] MAN Arena
The female shopping centre of Madchester. Girls come from miles around to shop for a new man, pass wind, and other stupid girly things. It gets it's name from a local businessman's patented free daily newspaper, The Manchester Afternoon Nap. Which causes anyone to read it to instantly fall asleep.
[edit] Apollo Crator
Although NASA would like you to believe that Apollo 13 bus is still in service running up and down between Madchester and London. It did indeed crash in the site now known as the Apollo Crator, situated next door is now a small unknown theater, purely designed to cash in on tourists trying to see the crash scene. Apollo 14 was later renamed as Apollo 13 to fool the residents of Madchester and London into thinking that the bus service was never under threat.
[edit] The Ruins of the Winter Hill Television Transmitter
In 1968 the Great fire caused the destruction of The Winter Hill transmitter which had stood on the hill since 1954. the main reason that this site is interesting is because the mayor collided with it in his Morris Mini while fleeing the fire and killed himself, vast crowds of Workers cheered at his death as he was the most evil supervillian in Madchesters recent history.
[edit] Traffic Centre
The place on britain's motorway network that introduces traffic to everywhere else in the world. Tourists can see how traffic jams are made and then later sent out to the various parts of the world slowing it down. Tourists can ride in their own traffic jam, and buy a traffic jam for their own town or country. The Railways have recently been protesting against the use of the traffic centre as it is causing a surge in lateness, as the trains have patented lateness the road network has to pay out in passengers to the trains.
[edit] The Traffic Signals
Only dumb blonds are likely to visit Manchester, so it's a toss up between a shiney set of car keys and the Traffic Signals as the greater dumb blond attraction to this dirty ol' towne.
[edit] The Madchester Ship Canal
Opened in 1939 as a failed means of deflecting German bombers towards Liverpool which succeeded in destroying much of the city, the three hundred mile canal was dug by Urmston Womens Institute using knitting needles and old cutlery. It's primarily used as an open sewer to feed the starving people of Moss Side - who live off human faeces but recently tourists have been flocking to watch drugged-up old queens floating down from Gay Street.
[edit] Coronation Street
See main article Coronation Street
This is one of the most popular streets in Madchester, despite going against the common Madchunian values of happiness (it is excused as it occasionally promotes inbreeding). It also has one of the most popular slave labour based factories in the UK.
[edit] Sports
The national sport of Madchester is Raving. Madchester is also home to the MLB team, United, although noone in Madchester actually supports them. It is commonly known that Old Trafford is a meeting place for lady boys and other gender bending poofs. Matches between the London Brawl and United are highlights of the British sports calendar every year, but usually end up in a brawl on the streets. Way back in 1919 United started a spin-off team, Madchester City. In their first season they were in the European cup final, which they lost and confidence was severely knocked. They gained large debts through manager Wayne Rooney's gambling problem, who was quickly sacked. City then found themselves at the bottom of Division 1 ( later renamed The champions(are in the league above you)hip ), and are slowly cimbing their way up.
Madchester hosted the XVII commoners games in 2002 but ended within a day because many of the athletes couldn't tell which gunshot was from the starter's pistol. Many were robbed and stabbed during the opening event. This involved peasants from around the world playing simple games, followed by the Madchester citizens laughing at them, if they didn't make anyone laugh, they would be executed. This ended in the famous Pub crawl of all the pubs in the City being drunk dry. Many accused those who organised the events such as "watch the poor foreigner dance badly" of being racist. The government didn't approve of these comments, and as a result had them dance badly to see how it is done. The did very well to their suprise, and were quickly executed.
[edit] Religion
Baggy is the official religion of Madchester, although house does have a small and all too vocal following of late.
Madchester is also known for their competitions with each other to see who can out chav each other, thats why Madchester has become off limits to the world.
(Second laters the rest of the world rejoiced)
Stockport is a cult started in 1992 following the discovery of acient roman artifacts. The discovery was made by Mr.Burnard Manning on an archaeological dig in the south Manchester wastelands.
After presenting his discovery to the archaeological foundation society, many people thought this unearthing was a sign from the prophet "Bræbure" who warned of the coming of the apocalypse, or "þryīngtoān".
Followers made settlements close to the findings and named it after the prophet "Bræbure" or "Bredbury" in hope of spitirual enlightment and protection from the apocalypse but soon after there arrival there a dispute regarding incest. Later that day it was agreed that those who agree were to leave and make another settlement nearby to carryout there practice undestuerbed. This settlement was dubbed as "þryīngtoān" or "Brinnington" in spite.
[edit] See also
Barmy British Stuff 
