Manifest Destiny

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[edit] Religious Context

Manifest Destiny is a copy of the manifest of the LRH Destiny, the starship that carried L. Ron Hubbard from Xenuville to Utah, where he invented Scientomormons. Some people, namely Wikipedians, believe that it means the right of America to acquire any land. Of course, this only translates to "let us take what ever the hell we want". But, like most Wikipedian things, this is false.

[edit] Literary Context

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Manifest Destiny.

In the Encyclopedia Americana, "Manifest Destiny" is an oft-used 19th Century euphemism for "Imperialism", a much misunderstood word in the United States, especially if you are a member of Congress, of course it was all in Cotie's favor

Here is an excerpt from the Encyclopedia;

"Manifest Destiny"; American-popular, the use of. (term) to spread American Values, the clap, shit, stupidity, Republicanism, Democracy (see Iraq), bad jokes, jobs, McDonald's, that son-of-a-bitch's entrails all over the floor, money, good will, bad will, Mormons, Christianity, et al. over an area usually regarded as important to a select elite of U.S. Society, the Wombles.

Here is a passage from Theodore Roosevelt's epic "History of the American-Speaking Peoples" (1903);

As was our duty as Americans, it was our Manifest Destiny to take for America that which was America's. Thence forth we defeated Mexico out of duty to the Mexicans, reluctantly accepted the South-West, begrudgingly occupied Texas, with hesitation conquered the desert at a perilous risk to ourselves, conquered the South in self-defense, and invaded Cuba in outrage at the failure of the Spanish to repair the U.S.S. Maine's boilers for us. We are a timid, homely people, but we talk loudly and carry a stick whose size is second only to the size of the chip we carry upon our shoulder! Bully!

[edit] The Necessity of Manifest Destiny

There once was a dark time in U.S. history. The North American continent rumbled and shook as billions of immigrants from places other than Mexico moved to the west because God told them to. Well, it wasn’t actually God, it was really a prophet named John O’Sullivan who God told that to. Today we are experiencing and enduring the consequences that we like to call Manifest Destiny. It was too aggressive and unpractical. Namely, Mormons.

How bad of a mistake was Manifest Destiny? Let’s ask the Native Americans. Oh wait, they are all busy running casinos. Because of mankind’s premature imagination of a dream of spreading democracy and gambling across North America, the Native Americans were removed from their homeland and sent away to a pre-approved gambling reservations due to the Poker Act of 1830. Today only a very small fraction of Casino owners have Native American blood in them. There is not only few Native Americans alive, but their culture was forever lost when they were forced to convert to Scientology. Some of their most important traditions are forgotten, such as scalping people, throwing tomahawks, and saying Howe!

Americans thought that they had the right to do this because Native Americas were always stoned. The Manifest Destiny beliefs are that the North American continent should be rid of all giraffes such as the Native Americans and force them all to follow an American model, ecause $2.99 steak and lobster meals are fantastic!

On the Manifest Destiny, we went to war with the Native American slot machines. They were blocking America’s pathway to hold triple 7s. Too bad someone else already had their eye and hand there a long time ago. It was Great Britain and Ethiopia.

Originally, America’s plan was to have Canada. The Eskimos(Canada’s ruler at the time because it was their colony) however, were terrible at running casinos and brothels. Seriously, all they did was hunt caribou. That made the U.S. chase after Oregon instead, which had a markedly lower Eskimo population. Oregon still had British rule over it and did not want to give it up without playing a game of Texas Hold'em(It was actually called Tejas Hold'em at the time). The U.S. could have been in debt for the third, and definitely not the last, time with Britain (Revolutionary Spades War, Poker War of 1812, and then maybe a War of Tejas Hold'em) in a time span of about 60 years. This would have terribly weakened the U.S. because the U.S. didn't have a very good poker face at the time.

Some were opposed to this. Some might have said that that we would have had to displace the Native Americans some time or another, to make way for the Mafia. That is perhaps true, but we don’t know if we could have formed a society where the Native American culture could have formed in the Mafia make one super criminal organization.

[edit] Evidence in favor of Manifest Destiny

The following facts are often cited by believers in Manifest Destiny as proof:

• Well, looking at the history of America, isn't it OBVIOUS?
• Of course God supports America, as it is a Christian nation founded on Christian values by a group of Freemasons.
• God supports America because if he doesn't, they'll build a really tall Washington Monument that will be capable of stabbing Him in the eye
• America has never lost a war!
• The only evidence against the theory has come from outside America. This is obviously a conflict of interest, as the rest of the world adores and is secretly jealous of America's chosen place in the world (and universe (and multiverse (and uberverse))). Thus, these opinions can be ignored.
• Also, I'm pretty sure America invented love. Correct me if I'm wrong.
• Just when Soviet Russia collapses, allowing American-brand love to spread across Russia, God (not Dubya) finds new heathen enemies to fight!
• Despite decreasing respect in the world and a series of bumbling idiots as presidents, America has somehow not collapsed into a black hole. This itself is enough proof of divine intervention.
• America controls the internet, allowing Americans to spread love, democracy and truth to all reaches of the world.
• [[*If Manifest Destiny never happened, America wouldn't be as it as shown today. For all Americans know, America could have stil been split up into Texas Territory and Oregon Territory ect. So therefore if Manifest Destiny has never accured then America wouldn't be known as it is today.]]