Labour Party

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This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

“Those fokes cayun't spell. I tried tellin' Tony tam and tam agayun it's spelled L-A-B-O-R but he just layufd and shook his heyud. Guess it would cust too much to change the le'errrheads and stuff.”

~ George W Bush on The Labour Party

“Well at least they're not the Tories.”

~ Labour Voter on The Labour Party

“Crap! Crap! Crap!”

~ David Cameron and the rest of the country on Labour's success in the elections

“Get off our property!”

~ The British on The Labour Party

The Labour Party was formed in the dark days of the late 19th-century in order to give a voice to those many millions of people who were too weak to ask of their top-hatted masters whether another helping of thin soup might be possible. Originally formed as a socialist party it has changed in recent years to a mish mash of socialism and robbing popular Tory policies. It is currently lead by Pa Broon.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Formation 1.2 Rise to prominence 1.3 The postwar years - "to me, to you" 1.4 The Wilderness Years 1.5 Smith to Blair 1.6 The Blair years 1.7 The Brown years 2 Why do so many people vote Labour? 3 Policies 4 Footnotes

[edit] History

[edit] Formation

The British Manual Labour Party of Workers, Peasants and Guardian Readers (to give it its full title) was formed in 1880 by Kier Hardon, a jolly man with a hearty laugh and generous smile^[1]. Thanks to Hardon and his winning ways, many weak and poor people were encouraged to limp to the polls, dodge the policeman's baton and vote for his new party and elect Britain's first socialist government in 1922. Because this was a socialist government, the royal family were immediately shot, all private property was confiscated by the state (or The State, if you prefer), Britain immediately joined the new USSR and your kids' teacher was replaced by a lesbian in a beret with a red star on it to teach them Das Kapital. Well, not really.

[edit] Rise to prominence

After this, the Labour Party soon supplanted the Liberal Party as the main opposition to The Conservative Party in Parliament. By the time Adolf Hitler turned out not to be a decent sort with a sensible attitude to communism^[2] but a mad racist imperialist hell-bent on destroying Europe (albeit taking-down communism on the way) the Labour Party were considered trustworthy enough by the establishment to form a coalition with Winston Churchill. After the war, Labour won another term by a landslide under Clement Atlee and, as predicted, Britain became a Marxist police-state. Not really, they just created the NHS and built lots of prefab houses.

[edit] The postwar years - "to me, to you"

In the postwar years, government regularly switched between the Conservatives and Labour until the 1970s when the Labour-affiliated trade union movement decided that the best way to get the common man on your side was to let the streets fill with rubbish, only work two days a week, strike because your mate's legs were cold and live entirely on beer and sandwiches. The British electorate promptly chose Margaret Thatcher to be their leader in 1979.

[edit] The Wilderness Years

In the 1980s, Labour decided to counter Conservative accusations that they were a party living in the past by choosing thrusting dynamic young buck Michael Foot as their leader and remaining tided to unions lead by forward-thinking types like Arthur "Stalin was right" Scargill. This lead to a rethink and dynamic forward-thinking Welsh slaphead Neil "Well Aaaaalriiiight!" Kinnock became Labour leader. Kinnock picked the Labour Party up roughly by its collective cloth-cap and shifted it a little to the right, ditching inexplicably unpopular policies such as the nationalisation of banks and that well-known Soviet success-story the planned economy. Unfortunately, despite a revival in Labour's fortunes and Thatcher's decent into madness and her eventual destruction by John Major, Labour still found themselves unable to win an election because The Sun put a picture of Kinnock on the front cover looking like a lightbulb^[3] and people who had been convinced of Labour's policies realised, once they'd wiped away the tears of mirth, that he looked like a big lightbulb and promptly voted Conservative.

[edit] Smith to Blair

Kinnock resigned to become a Lord and work for the EU and was replaced by disco-dancing Scotsman John Smith. Unfortunately, after only a couple of years of being Labour leader, Smith was murdered by the Trotskyist tyrant Alan Milburn, under the orders of the noble Communist warrior Tony Benn^[4] and was replaced by Tony Blair who promptly did the same trick as Kinnock had regarding the party and their collective hat and caused controversy by wanting to ditch "Clause Four", Labours age-old commitment to public ownership of business which they'd clearly always carried out whenever they got into government. Its replacement is some wet liberal rubbish about Labour being a "democratic socialist" party who want a "dynamic relationship between private and public" rather than all that stirring stuff about the lantern-jawed proletariat bravely fighting the upper-classes police footsoldiers from ramshackle barricades. Middle-class Guardian readers were particularly upset about the ditching of Clause Four because it's not like any of them had thousands of pounds tied-up in shares or anything like that. Blair and his accolytes (including his own sinister Joseph Goebbels-figure, Peter Mandelson) decided to re-brand the Labour Party as "New Labour" which, ironically, is a label still sticking after over a decade.

[edit] The Blair years

In 1997 the British working-class demonstrated their hatred of "sellout" Blair's ditching of Clause Four by handing him a landslide victory. The Conservatives replaced John Major with the sun out of The Tellytubbies and Major retired to seek-out a smaller pair of spectacles and some warm beer. Blair promptly became a sort of Lord Protector figure and was determined never to relinquish power, until June 2007 when he did. The loser.

[edit] The Brown years

More commonly known as "The Brown Streak". Nobody knows yet; certainly, that name doesn't bode well. Harriet Harman succeeded John Prescott as Deputy Leader, people wondered during the First Round where Hazel Blears had got to, it turned out that Harriet had been sitting on her all along, after all Hazel's only little.

Gordon Brown's accession to power was easy; he had God on his side, as do all Scotsmen.

Some of Gordon Brown's first tests of competancy have been the Northern Rock crisis, when the seaside resorts of Blackpool and Morecambe both ran perilously short of hard sweets, the 'Summer Flooding' of Gloucestershire (a disastrous remake of 'Grease' on water) and his handling of the fall-out from the 'Credit Crunch', a delicious chocolate-coated but particularly crumbly American delicacy.

[edit] Why do so many people vote Labour?

• People love the great taste?
• Gordon Brown's winning smile and easy-going humour?
• They are illegal-immigrants and the Daily Mail told them that Labour were planning to give them a billion pounds a year and a free palace?
• It eases their guilt about being middle-class and having two cars?

But The Number One Most Popular Reason:

• To spite the Tories, those bastards.

[edit] Policies

• Not pissing-off Rupert Murdoch. Just think, he might put a badly-photoshopped image of Gordon Brown on the front cover of The Times with the body of a chicken or something.
• Gordon Brown is always right (previously "Tony Blair is always right", there is now a sub-clause stating that "Tony Blair stopped being right on the 27th of June 2007").
• Having tea at the Trade Union Congress instead of beer and sandwiches, as laid out by Tony in that marvellously-witty little poem he gave us all a few years ago.
• Not arguing with the United States even when its being really silly.
• Not arguing with the European Union even when its being really silly (see Lisbon Treaty).
• To pass new laws with their new Wellnote-Britain policy to gently tempt but ultimately force the longterm sick and disabled back into longterm cheap slave labour. Concentration workcamps are also under consideration.
• Giving the Iraqi government Britain's fullest support by standing back and biting their lips when the United States commences its latest variation on Operation Iraqi Liberation (O.I.L)
• Ignore leading British generals when they point-out that Operation Make Things Even Worse made things even worse.
• Implementing any starry-eyed hi-tech newfangled system that was sold to them by nice businessmen regardless of well-founded concerns that it might make things worse rather than better (see ID Cards)
• The encouragement of religious tolerance by inviting religious organisations to run state funded schools. These madrasses and seminaries have been highly successful in keeping Muslim and Christian children apart until they're old enough to have a proper fight. These schools have been praised by Mahmoud Ahmadajihad, Inquisitor Benedict and L. Ron Hubbard.
• Modernising the new honours system, so that generosity may be rewarded in the form of peerages. Their policy dictates that to prove how generous you are, you donate a large sum to the Labour Party, and after approval of the Honours Commision, a peerage will be sent to you through the post. David Cameron of the Conservative Party criticised the decision calling it "Greedy and unfair to the working class."

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ Rather like Gordon Brown, only jolly. And with a hearty laugh and generous smile
2. ↑ See also: The Daily Mail
3. ↑ LOL
4. ↑ How come no conspiracy-theories about how TORY B.LIARS killed John Smith to take power, eh? Don't see much of that on YouTube.

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