Marc DeCarlo
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“That's Mark--with a fucking 'K'--DeCarlo!”
~ Mark DeCarlo on himself
“Jews? I hate Jews! Mark's cool though. Wait, he's a Jew?! I HATE MARK!”
~ Mel Gibson on Mark DeCarlo when in a drunken rage
“I'd hit that!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde on being on Mark DeCarlo
Mark "I'm Taking My Pants Off" DeCarlo is a highly successful, half-Jewish, half-demi-god created as a pivotal warrior in the battle between good and evil. He has since shirked his divine duties, and has lived only to enjoy the pleasures of life.
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[edit] Accomplishments
Mark Decarlo was recently declared The Absolute Most Famous Actor That No One Has Ever Heard Of (awarded December 8, 2006). He has also won the award for The Best, Extremely Awesome Ambiguous Star In History four years in a row (awarded years 1476, 2007, and 2021,3099 consecutively).
[edit] The Early Years
Mark DeCarlo was a Jewish male born on the last February 31st in world history, at the expense of being endowed with all the powers of the very universe . . . and a few previously limited only to God. DeCarlo was the child of Joan of Arc and Plato, but was raised by ethereal monks in the little-known Chinese Dai-Wong-Chu-Tsi-Womba-Bing Dyanasty. There, he learned to hone his great fighting skills using the art of caligraphy. When Mark was four months old and getting circumsized, his rabbi passed out at the sheer enormity of Mark's penis, as did everyone else attending the ceremony. So Mark was forced to follow through with it himself, using only a paper clip, a rubber band, a nail file, and some tampons--all of which he'd found in his mom's purse. Later on in life, when he was eight, he came to be known as "The Man Who Couldn't Die" after people realized he was the man who couldn't die. This granted him god-like status with the tiny village of people he lived with. Becuase he's lived so long, it's very difficult to track his early years, and so little is known about this gap in his life.
[edit] The Later Years
Mark later helped George Washington with all his escepades--in reality, George Washington never had a good idea in his life, but rather relied on Mark for everything he needed. Mark eventually got fed up with George getting all the limelight and stealing all Mark's thunder, so he decided to run for the first president of the United States. But George, fearing he would lose the election, hired some thugs off the street (one of which included Benjamin Franklin) to do away with DeCarlo. The thugs buried Mark alive. Thus, he was forced to dig his way out using only what he could find in his coffin: nails, a spoon, a jackhammer, twenty sticks of dynamite, and a lighter. When he emerged from the ground, he did so only to find out he was four months too late for the election. Angry and spiteful, he left the country to take out his anger. This resulted in the creation of the Tahiti race of peoples; they haven't been happy since. Mark waited until the 1980s (deemed the all-time worst decade in American history) to make his move.
[edit] Later Success
Mark DeCarlo made his acting debut on an insanely successful and popular game show--the one no one can remember the name to. It was here that he made his first big Mark on American society. Later, when MC Hammer was sick and couldn't make it to his music video for the Hammertime music video, Mark took on the disguise and created the Hammer Dance, which would become a part of Americana forever. Mark now stars as the host in a very successful Travel Channel show called I'm Mark DeCarlo and You're Not So Bow Before My Awesome Brilliance. On the show, it is quite evident that Mark is the biggest pimp the world has ever known.
[edit] Trivia
It's physically impossible for Mark DeCarlo to masturbate--anytime his hands come in contact with his penis, they automatically transform into full-size women. Mark isn't only responsible for the Hammer Dance and the people of Tahiti, but also lays claim to The Robot, The Worm, America, modern-day sex, Cocoa Wheats, porn, and most junk foods (including Oreos, donuts, bagels, and potato chips). He has also given birth to Steven Colbert, Adam Sandler, and Arnold Schwarzeneggar. Because he's endowed with the power of the universe, he has control over time. After time-traveling 20 years into the future, he became single-handedly responsible for ending the Iraq War after he beat some sense into Bush and had him bring the troops back home, then went over there and killed every man, woman, and child in Iraq . . . and the four transvestites.
[edit] Alternate Universe
In an alternate universe, Mark DeCarlo was in a short war with his arch-nemesis, Emeril Lafasse. In this universe, Mark visited Emeril to try some of his famous "Bam-Chicken." Little did Mark know, the chicken had contained a bomb, hence the bam in the name. Mark suffered a mild tummy ache instead of being blown up. The reason for this outcome is due to him being so fucking awesome. Mark would declare war with Emeril that would last for three days and seven nights. Both parties amassed great armies and battling viciosly throughout the solar system. The battle ended with Mark, who is Jewish, finding a mistake in Emerils taxes. Emeril was taken to jail for 50 years for tax evasion. In a recent update, Mark offered to free Emeril if he would name a food dish after him. Emeril agreed and created "Mark DeCarlo's Massive Meat Log."
[edit] Marc DeCarlo's Ring of Power
Marc DeCarlo has recently created a protective "Ring of Power" that contains his most loyal of friends. This group of awesome superstars is destined to someday rule the univese, and many others, on the right-hand side of God.
Members thus far include:
- Marc DeCarlo (duh),
- Michael J. Fox,
- Steven Colbert,
- The Burger King,
- Johnny Depp,
Not (under ANY circumstances) that good-for-nothing, black-person wannabe Justin Timberlake
- Bill Murray
- That guy who plays J.D. on Scrubs,
- Hugh Laurie from House,
- Will Ferrel
- The members of metallica
- Spider-Man
- The members of Bowling for Soup
- iron maiden
- the Red Hot Chili Peppers
- as well as rage against the machine
