Marching band

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A marching band is a type of band that performs at parades, football games, and at competitions in which bands from many different schools come together and battle it out by trying to out march each other in a brutal battle of visuals, formations, and music. Marching Band graciously allows football to be played at their outdoor concerts. The attendee's of the marching band are commonly referred to as band nerds because they are forced to play for the football team even though they know they aren't going to win, with the exception of the drumline, which always includes exactly one black person, and is whole different story. Marching band members are extremely dedicated to their activity, even going as far as to call it a sport.Marching burns 250 calories per half hour. It's mostly their bickering on (and off) the field that makes marching band so hard. In this article, all aspects of marching bands will be explored, investigated and probed in places no article has ever probed before.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Early Days 1.2 Hard Times 1.3 Revival 2 Behind the Cult 3 Basics 4 Marching 5 Band Camp 6 Competitions 6.1 Judges 6.2 Major Competing Organizations 6.3 Parades 7 The All Powerful Gock 8 Dr. Beat 9 Portrait of a Marching Band 9.1 Leaders 9.2 Subgroups 9.3 Sectional Stereotypes 9.4 Enemies

[edit] History

[edit] Early Days

Although the concept of marching on the field and playing had long existed within the military, Mark Tim E. Mark, a sergeant in the Union Army, pioneered a tactic to reduce casualties among the regiment's band by having them do complicated maneuvers such as pass-throughs, jazz runs (although jazz had not yet been invented), and crabbing as the battle began, dodging bullets and shells. The downside to Mark's plan was that it distracted both his, and the enemies troops, who would often sit down on the hillside and watch Mark's marchers perform. Soon after, Confederate General Staying I. N. Step formed the first drum corp. Step's band started as a companies worth of men (100-200), but there was very few supplies left to equip them, so they were given surplus brass instruments, drums, old flags, broken rifles and dull sabers with which they were expected to fight all the way to D.C. with. Step had been impressed with Mark's band, now called the Bluecoats, and sent his unit, renamed the Carolina Crown, all the way to Pasedena, California where they did battle. The battle itself was inconclusive, but it was a sign of progress. After the war, the two drum corps reappeared some 100 years later under the same names, meeting every year in Pasadena to compete.

[edit] Hard Times

After the Civil War, marching bands returned to their obscure nature, performing the music of John Phillip Sousa, CEO of an electronics company and pioneer of marching music in live concerts and parades. The horrors of modern warfare in 1914 as World War I began almost destroyed the marching band movement, as machine guns, tanks, and poison gas made marching a wee bit more challenging. The stock market crash of 1929 virtually spelled the end to marching bands, as many people sold their $2,000 horn for a months worth of food. It would take another war to revive the marching band spirit.

In 1933 Adolf "The Crippler" Hitler became the first band dictator director, ahem, directator to utilize mind control in the first "Band Camp", a hellish "Fun" experience in which there is always this one time at it in which so and so did that and yadda yadaa.... It was here that marching band became a cult. As his armies stormed across Europe, he had his bands march through the enemies capital, all in perfect timing, with the threat of death if they missed a beat or squeaked a note. The fatal flaw Hitler had with his directatoring was that he was never satisfied, and killed himself, being unable to out march the Allies. Despite his death, many directors saw the value in being a total bitch, seeing it as an way to vent their inner struggles by torturing a group of teens under the intense sphere of electromagnetic radiation of thermonuclear fusion and under the extreme cold produced by the lack of that radiation.

With the Cold War beginning, international competition began between Soviet Russias "Marching Marxists" , "Stalin's Steppers" in her "Communist Bloc" and the Americans "Uncle Sams' Marching Capitalists" , "Senator McCarthy's Commie Killers" in her "NATO corps". Both sides remained in constant competition, without ever meeting one-on-one in a competition (Though many times it seemed very close). Both sides' show were considered so good that they were both said to be "the Bomb". The two forces only met twice by proxy, in competition with North Korea and Vietnam's "Viet Cong Guerrillas". While the U.S. won the first, the latter was a loss as Uncle Sams' band lost too many members and was running out of good players and willing participants.

[edit] Revival

In high schools and colleges across America, marching bands were becoming more mainstream. In 1956, the now commonly used term "Band Nerd" was first used, being defined by Webster's dictionary as: "A sub-category of human that plays or simulates playing musical instruments at parades and football games" The definition, however, does not accurately tell the real meaning of the term, known only to the members of the "Cult".

Through the early experiments during the Civil War, to the first "Band Camps" under the direction of Hitler, marching band has developed into an international "Cult" shared by many unfortunate superior beings of the subspecies Marchinae Bandus Nerdus

[edit] Behind the Cult

Though Authorities haven't been able to officially prove it, it is common knowledge that Marching Band is one of the most wide spread cults in the world. The majority of the members are identified as high school and college students.

[edit] Basics

"The Basics", or "Fundamentals" are theories in which all things in the universe can be divided in to four beats, roasted in the sun, and bombarded with your mom/that's what SHE said jokes in order to become competent in marching techniques during a time known as "BAND CAMP". The theory however, is false. (See any song written by Dream Theater). Band camp is divided into several phases in which your self confidence is broken, built up, and broken again before you leave, with the ultimate purpose to mold you into brutal killing ma... Instrumentalists.

[edit] Marching

Marching is a form of walking designed exclusively to cause pain to those participating in it. It involves making the heel of your foot come into contact with the ground before your toe does, thus causing you to break your ankle. However, any injury sustained (particularly those where a person is hurt by paying too much attention to the angle of their toes, and therefore not paying attention to the flag pole traveling quickly towards one's face) can only be due to a failure to march correctly, and not simply the stupid form of walking known as "Marching". Marching is best used during a show, preferably of an erotic or burlesque nature, in which the band attempts to play the entire soundtrack to anal bandits 9 (Or something very similar sounding). Marching can also occur during a period of time in which the "Dumbline" executes a K-Dance. It is not formalized which foot is supposed to come down on which beet, however it is accepted that red beets should be touched with the left foot, and purple beets with the right. In other parts of the world, it is common to march using rhubarbs instead of beets. A few special kids get the pleasure of loosing their knee caps while marching and thus having to become part of the non-moving percussion section. It is a very tragic event to see the brightest marchers have to stop.

[edit] Band Camp

The main explanation and payoff for one to begin a marching band career. Most band camps require around 10-16 hours of marching before breaks (that's sweatshop shift time) but once the day's work is done, unlike sweatshops, one gets to retire to refuge, usually in the form of cabins, and "rest". At band camp, unlike in human time whose single day is equivalent to 24 hours, a marchers' day has a total of 28 hours. Where these hours are taken from is yet unknown but Russia has had its greatest researchers working on it.

The normal day at Band camp consists of marching, playing, learning steps and drills, being whipped by the band director, denting cars parked in the parking lot, and hazing freshmen. From time to time, Satan will guest direct and take the marchers to the 11th level of hell.

Most likely, during practices, the band director will sit in the comfy shade of the press box and shout out commands in 212 F degree weather. They will also complain how hard it is on them to watch the marchers sweat their asses off attempting to play insane quadruplet runs at a tempo of 240 bpm while staying in step and in formation for a giant box rotation, inversion and collapse, and how their inability to do so is an insult to the director who wrote the show. Occasionally the band director will grow a fraction of pity for about 10 minutes and call a water break, but more frequently just call a 29 3/4 second "gulp and go".

On the days that the football field is inhabited by football players, the band goes over to the Practice Field, where the band director and drill instructor stand up on the cherry picker and have this same roll. Note, the band director occasionally hires the drill instructor to write the band's drill, which explains the many instances of a phallus, Ass or a Rainbow in the drill.

The most important part of the day at band camp is the night. By nightfall, nicknames should have been distributed by marchers to the new trainees (n00bs). Since marching bandos are nocturnal, they begin their mating/screeching at night. A boys' cabin should be properly "scuffed up" by throwing Skittles (and any other assortment of candy the dumb senior brought to enjoy) and getting it stuck on the walls. Toothpaste should be used to write messages of wisdom on the mirrors, such as "a duck bought my Alec Baldwin is an asshole" or "once in a lifetime chance". The first person to fall asleep at night usually ends up getting drawn on.

[edit] Competitions

The real purpose of a marching band is not only to perform at football games, but to compete with other bands. As said before, the football team is only the side entertainment as the band rules the field. It is for that reason that many bands join competitive organizations to avoid the hassle of turning over the field for the football team to come out and do their routine.

[edit] Judges

A poor breed of sub-musician, whose ability has declined over the centuries. Old, half bald virgins, they, not being talented enough to continue any real music career, now attempt to rate high school bands by ever-changing, vague rules. The most constantly anamorphic award is the G.E., or General Effect, trophy, which is given to whoever sacrifices the most blood to the so called "gods in the box". To get this award many schools choose to give them the youngest clarinet player, or they promise them their first born.

• Shouting obscenities on their tape recorders when trapped in the center of a rotating ring the sax line forms as part of their feature. "The tonal qualities of the low brass are impeccable, but the saxophones have dire tuning issues that may cost them. Here they come now...What the-...Oh, come on!...Christ!...I still need to evaluate the trumpets...fuck."

• Getting run over by the entire drumline after stopping to comment on the uniforms "The uniforms flowing design really extenuates the music and movement of this group...Oh, a saxophone was late on the step off over here, minus .05...Huh? WTF?!? CRASH!!!"

• Commenting on the excellence of the flutes and clarinets that the band doesn't have (they mistook the sax line for those instruments). "Wow! These flutes and clarinets are awesome! And they are oh so shiny and gold colored too...wonder what company makes curved metal clarinets and flutes?"

• "He's at the 40...35...30...passes right through the trumpet line...still in step...OH! OH! OW! Slipped on the turf 2 off the 35 yard line...the lead tenor (quads) drummer has fallen...OW! There goes the snares and basses...Wait! He is getting up! Ladies and gentlemen, he is getting up and getting back into formation...look at that skill and excellence...can we get an instant replay, Bob?"

• "This band is perfect...They absolutely deserve another ACC's championship...Whoa there, take it easy, don't bite it...use your tongue on it...yeah...work that mouthpiece..."

[edit] Major Competing Organizations

• Drum Corps International- These are not bands, but corps... the gods above all marching bands, the elite group seeking ultimate perfection. Many high school bands draw inspiration from these deities. The most hallowed Drum Corps performance ever was performed by the Cavaliers in their sacred "Frameworks" show of 2002, which was only .85 away from perfection. Some say that when a band finally reaches a score of a perfect 100, their messiah will return and free the players from their tortuous labor of marching, and a new, better world will begin. In order to achieve such levels, drum corps exclude saxes and woodwinds, as they serve no purpose but to bring the corps down with their shenanigans.

• USSBA- The talent of these bands varies from region to region. The bands in the mid-west/south area are usually pretty good but their size is comparable to that of three Drum Corps and then some. The bands in the eastern US tend to think that they can play, but higher level bands like those in TOB tend to want to throw them off of the field.

Also, this is where bands go to compete when they figure out that they can't win TOB's ACC's due to the fact that the judges are either completely brainwashed into thinking that high school version of Pioneer Drum Corps Middle Township and Mechanichsburg are actually good, or are bribed by the aforementioned Middle Township and Mechanichsburg to give them ridiculously high scores, whether they deserve it or not (which they (sometimes) don't).

• Tournament of Bands- An organization devoted to encouraging bands to get better "through positive reinforcement". This of course does nothing but cause shame and humiliation to the remaining 20 bands who did not make the top 5 at ACC's, and even more shame when there is a tie for second place. Previous reputation is what counts here; Your band can do an awesome and unique show worthy of a championship, but if the defending champion has X championships under their belt, they must get X+1 and score (almost consistently) 2 points ahead of your band in second place, doing it with an overused show theme and a seemingly fixed judging panel.

• Bands of America-Similar to the above, but in addition to traveling to several local competitions, you travel nationwide to compete in a wide variety of places against bands you may never see again (nor do you really care that much about because the local bands at home are much better at being actual rivals), all for some stupid Grand National Championship, which despite being national, only appears in major media if a band from a major city wins or one of those "underdog" schools wins. The remaining 500 so bands slip off unnoticed, only to hope they have funding left to pay for their future cross country treks.

• Calvacade of Bands-Like the TOB, only much more local and easier to win in thanks to the lack of the obvious bias toward bands in the TOB.(The latter has been disproven as many bands that failed to win in the TOB have come here and came out champions.)

• Gladiatorial Musical Combatants of America- The Hardest form of competition, the Gladiatorial Musical Combatants of America requires all of the standard challenges such as music and marching, but also requires impressive feats in gladiatorial combat. Weapons may range from halberd to halibut,but the combat must remain fierce, and must be kept in beat and in tune. Also seen has been;

Marching band vs. Marching band! Marching band vs. Motocross! Marching band vs. Monster trucks! Marching band vs. Mammoths! Marching band vs. Mackerel! Marching band vs. Mafia! Marching band vs. Manchuria! Marching band vs. Malaysia! Marching band vs. Marching Band!(huh?) Marching band vs. Mr. T!(I pity the fool!) Marching band vs. Machine Guns!

and always a favorite... Marching band vs. Molecular Fusion!

• Cacophony of Bands

• Tournament of Bananas

• SCSBOA- Many a band is leaving it- I wonder why?

[edit] Parades

• A 3- to 5-mile form of punishment for the band, not dissimilar from an upbeat Bataan death march, intended to melt the victims' brains into a jelly-like substance while drilling the music of John Phillip Sousa into their heads.
• Often include parade commands intended to humiliate someone or something while serving as an opportunity for section leaders to demonstrate their complete control over the minds of their sections.

[edit] The All Powerful Gock

The gock is the most powerful weapon mankind as ever seen. Its ability to control hundreds to step in time together, keep time, play as one, or commit mass suicide in time has been unmatched. Commonly referred to as either the Gock Block or simply the Gock.

It turns band members by the score into its bidding device. Although medicine can be provided to ease the suffering, escape from its "gock"-ey grasp is impossible. Struck by either a bone from those whose souls it has devoured or, more commonly, a piece of wood extricated (by fearless agents dispatched by the ruling council of band directors) from the depths of hell itself, its strike has the equivalent power of 23 atomic bombs, each having the power to destroy four thousand solar systems, simultaneously striking a poodle. In the hands of the most evil, it can destroy twice the solar systems!

In ancient times, the gock was called "God", for the simple reason that it was spelled similarly on the manuscript copy of the "Washington Post" march. It is now understood that it was meant to be spelled "Gok", which translates into English as "Gock".

[edit] Dr. Beat

Dr. Beat, M.D., is a marching band therapist who deals with cases such as people being out of step, drum majors being incapable to conduct and people who just need a good "beat"ing once in a while. Dr. Beat treats all these cases by beating his patients with triplets at 250 bpm (Dr. Beat, Ph.D. can go to 300!) until the tempo sets in permanently. Unfortunately, long term, and sometimes even short term exposure to such beatings can cause epileptic seizures, comas, hearing loss, explosive diarrhea, death, and spontaneous marking time to any constant beat from any source. Dr. Beat was once a major competitor to the Gock, as the doctor was powered by electricity, but now the Gock holds power over Dr. Beat via the threat of blackmail. It is rumored that the Gock possesses a photograph of Dr. Beat working with members of a high school chorus, one of the marching band's most hated enemies. The rumor states that Dr. Beat must do Gock's whim at all times, or the world will see Dr. Beat's betrayal.

[edit] Portrait of a Marching Band

Main article: Band geeks

[edit] Leaders

• Band Director(s), usually an adult male who demeans other students in an attempt to make up for his unwholesome dreams of glory. Will make the band practice in any weather, including tornadoes, hurricanes, apocalypses, deadly cold, and the Fires of Hell.

• Field Staff, These are the people who are responsible for reporting out-of-stepness, inability-to-playness and not-covering-downness and fixing them. Often consists of a 25 year old college graduate who acts like hes 10, a handful of people who marched drum corp before and a feared and revered mysterious man known simply as "Sarge", who has tamed the almighty Gock and can make a paralyzed person march and a blind person stay in formation. Occassionally these people get the funtastic job of wadding into the newly formed lake on the field to see how deep it is to see if the band can still march on the field(lake). There is currently a douche bag named Brian working with the Marching Pioneers of University High School in Normal, Illinois. His name will not be revealed.

• Drum Major, the alpha-band geek, who may, or may not be the master of his or her domain. They are suck ups to the band director and are usually the closest to him. Normally suffers from permanent PMS, and can occasionally say things like "Am I seriously going to do this without my podium?!". Usually a woodwind or sometimes a bass drum player.Or in occasion a trumpet player. Yeah we're that good! *cough* Back to the topic... Usually have a follower that will do whatever the drum major wants and is so far up the majors ass you don't know where one ends and one begins. These are the people who either don't want to play anymore, or get sick pleasure out of bossing others around.

• (El) Band President(e), the corrupt leader of the band’s commie society. Will rat out anyone to gain stature with the band director. This person is usually not liked among not only band parents but their children too.

• Section Leader(s), veteran players.They aren't drum major so this is the closest to a leadership position that they can gain. Sometimes, a freshman will get this title just to piss off the older members of the section. There are typically three types of section leaders. One is the "This is the most important role I've ever had so by god I'm going to do it right". They usually are the uptight section leaders who have a bear so far up their ass that they are coughing up hair balls. The second is the "This is the most important role I've ever had and i really couldnt give a flying llama". These usually are the pot smoking slackers of the band that really couldnt care less how the band does. The third and final type is the retarded bipolar mash up of the two. These section leaders switch on and off from being the responsible up tight prick, to forgetting to bring their instrument to band practice.

• Wannabe Section Leaders(s), players who aren't a section leader but try to be anyway. They are at times referred to as the “Anti-Christ” or “Whore of Babylon" among their peers. They are always seeking for revenge, or being sought for revenge. Usually pretty bitter about not being section leaders, so although they lack actual power, it's not wise to piss off the wannabe-leaders. Most are freshman who lose their power to other freshman. Constantly interfere with section leader plots. They are most likely a favorite of a choir teacher. Most wannabes are good at yelling and expect the other members to roll over and take. ( which they do but sometimes they have someone ball-z enough to turn around and yell "I don't have to listen to you, your not the section leader!" which they wannabe be responds by saying "no need to be a bitch about it!" turning around and completely ignoring everyone around them and playing by them selfs)

• Leadership teams, members who just like to tell everyone else what they are doing wrong. No one likes them.

[edit] Subgroups

• Normal, a player who is not really a band geek, but probably one of the few normal people in the band. They do not want to be there, but often very talented. They are usually scapegoated, and crucified on a weekly basis.

• H-Unit, the strangest character in the band with a sexual attraction to fire. Although they are underrated, they tend to come through in the clutch situations – usually through means of napalm, car bombs, or flaming dog shit. The H-Unit is often very good friends with the Band Geek. One day the H-Unit will burn down the band room, leaving nothing but MEMORIES.

• The "Rival School Lover", an oh so talented player who was misplaced in the wrong school, who tends to play the rival schools fight song one too many times; believed to be the reason of the creation of the new hit game "Kill the diamond bar kid"

• The Playa-Hater, a talented player who hates participating in band events like practice, concerts, or football games, and is only in band because the director forces him to.

• Silent Bob, the band geek who never talks, but gets the job done. They are very reclusive and never talk to freshmen.

• The Stoner / Peanut Gallery, a group of players who have fried their brains away by doing various drugs or through frequent head nodding. They do not contribute to the band’s performance, and are often too blazed to play.

• The Non-Leadership, the people who are on leadership/position who really don't want to be there but have to. They have a total disregard for authority and constantly encourage people to quit band. The worst form of these people are drum majors who sigh when they have to conduct and demands their podium when they don't have it: "Am I seriously doing this without my podium?"

• The Guy Who Just Doesn't Know When To Shut Up, The guy who just doesn't know when to shut up. Always pointing out other people's mistakes, oblivious to his own, often missing practices and performances to go do something gay, like Boy Scouts. Often laughs irrepressibly at his own jokes, however dumb they might be. In most cases they're either a trumpet,or marimba player who claims that pit is the hardest section of the band and played as a marimba wannabe xylo player his freshman year. Nobody likes them.

• The Retards Who Give the Band a Horrible Reputation, Usually the most overly-enthusiastic members of the band. These players tend to be the least talented and most obnoxious/socially inept, yet they have the unexplainable urge to advertise to the world that they are in the band, giving the rest of the band a humiliating reputation.

• The Hole-Filler, This character usually shows up sometime in the first month or two after band camp. He or she has no concept of what marching band means, yet the director feels he/she can adequately fill a whole in the band. This person may feel they are doing a great service and are a critical member in the band, when in fact many if not all other members do not even consider them a true band member. If you must march next to a hole-filler, be sure to shout vulgarities at them if and when they screw up. After all, they don't even have to play.

• The Suck-up, This is usually a freshman or sophomore (or sometimes a Middle School person) who sucks (sometimes literally) up to his section leader and or drum major in hopes of gaining a leadership position. This person is usually despised, especially by juniors and other seniors in the section. Closely related to the wannabe section leader. In other cases they can be known to take the form of a short little fat kid who sucks up only to the band director and assistant and yells at section leaders and drum majors

• The Socially Inept Band Kid, This is the kid who complains about everything in band and how much they hate it. They will however refuse to quit because it is the only place that they are somewhat accepted. (if accepted means being slaves of drum majors and section leaders and basically any kind of upperclassmen that is.)

• That One Kid that Marched Drum Corps, this kid is the biggest bad ass in the program, but hates it because the stupid bandies can fail. He will quit band mid semester and take gym instead.

[edit] Sectional Stereotypes

• Clarinets - Known as the "the sqeeekers", and also as the "band whores". Most girl clarinets get mad very easy but you can get them un-mad at you just as easy. Always sharp or flat and just screw around instead of actually tuning. These tuning circles include section leaders forcing others to make dance club sounds. This section is the closest to the band director because of their amazing ability to tell the director how un-fat he or she is. Also, they are one of the bitchiest sections of the band. Seniors and juniors will frequently get pissed at freshmen for screwing up the tiniest things. They are the softest even though there section is massive, least regarded, and most ignored section of the marching band. This is partly due to the fact that even the moderately good clarinet players (the best ones are usually male) switch to mellophone during marching season. One talented clarinet player will stay behind, though, to be section leader, not for the power, but because of the ability to lord over others by marching in the front.

• Saxophones - The pot smokers who everyone hangs out with but no one really likes. This section almost always contains a Jew or a black guy. Very rarely in tune and are always confusing f sharp and f natural. Obsessed with their horridly out of tune sound they add jazz riffs and solos where they don't belong. Section of the band that loves to take credit for everyone else's work. Usually the saxophone section is the most outgoing and incredibly messed up section in the band, but they are still very saxy. This section can include the Bass Clarinet, and when that happens, the sub-species known as "Low Reeds" is formed. Tenor saxophones are usually only playing the tenor because they hate the alto section leader.

• Trumpets - The director's (or asst. directors) favorite; usually propelled by just 1 or 2 very good, and usually very short and quasi attractive players, although all of them attempt to be the highest, loudest, and most arrogant. Enjoys playing loudly for no reason and deafen people within a 5 mile radius. This section holds most of the miscreants. They are granted the ability to play piccolo notes on their trumpet, which, when done correctly, will be so incredibly awe-inspiring that wars will end, all people will have enough food, all people will have shelter, and the entire world's economy will collapse and be replaced with one based on the value of chocolate However, if a note is missed, a note is added, or the soloist squeaks, run for cover, as the world will shortly end due a phenomenon known to experts as "the apocalypse".

• Mellophones - Consists of 4-5 females and 3-4 males who all travel in packs together. Usually consists of more concert woodwind players than other sections. Their section leader, if female, is one of those hilariously bitch-a-ly nice people, who can be bitchy and still be fun. If male, the section leader is usually the most talented band member and most intelligent student, likely earning valedictorian of his class, though he is unsually extraordinarilly cocky. People respect him upfront, but make fun of him behind his back. The mellophones tend to be forgotten about in music compositions, often having identical parts to other sections like saxes or clarinets. However, when given a solo, the mellophone section has the divine ability to channel God and outplay every other section.

• Low Brass - The section that does nothing but slack off. Either the smallest section or the disproportionally large one. Usually contains the really weird ones and the occasional emo kid. Arrogant and big head-ed, they typically consist of men and manly girls. The presence of females within the section that do not match the required testosterone levels causes confusion and sometimes death. Tubas are typically the maximum scenario of low brass; the really manly girl and the "over-balls" guys. Being a tuba requires a minimum weight requirement of 17 flute players(approx. 246lbs.) and consuming copious amounts of alcohol. Showering habits of this section are debated regularly. Know for taking too long to walk anywhere or do anything. They complain about never having any melodies, yet when handed to them they fail gloriously, then proceed to blame anyone and anything that moves for their lack of talent and ability. A serious problem concerning these players are their lack of foot fundamentals. Some say tubas only have marching capacity of a freight train. Trombones (A.K.A Boners) consist of people who constantly exaggerate the size of their package, and are seemingly obsessed with phallic shaped objects. People who are confident in their girth will often play Baritone, a smaller but beefier instrument with sound comparable to that of a truck backfiring. It is claimed that baritone is actually a manly instrument, but in actuality, it is only a larger, heavier trumpet. All of the low brass are capable of spiting, blaming and complaining about anything at any point in time.

• Flutes - Walking bags of wind, looked down on by almost every other section. They are also known as the least intimate section because of their infamous inner section fights(which are certain to happen); to a flute player, nothing is ever going right. Male flute players are also very talented and very zen, so they get all the hot flute chicks. This section thinks they are of the highest power on earth, right next to God, Ben and Jerry and Albert Einstein.(even though they aren't) This section is usually in the middle of the scale, behind saxophones and in front of low brass. As nice as they seem, bears, sharks and the black plague have all been known to be nicer. This section generally consists of the members of the band who have to play the most difficult rhythms while doing drill[aren't the best at things like sliding and scurrying]. When sleep-deprived, very deadly.

• Drumline - Typically "balls for brains", the men are truly convinced that they are the perfect form of man. Most bass drummers are the hottest members of the band, except for the freakishly small, or freakishly large girl. They practice constantly; buses, chairs, tables, desks, buses, counters, chairs, their own limbs, other people's limbs, buses, and tables...and did i mention buses... Sometimes they will have the courtesy to use a drum pad. You can usually tell them apart from normal humans by the constant tapping emitting from any limb on their body. Band members and drummers find it hard to discuss music, due to the fact that the drummers usually don't even notice the band is playing. Tempo is something of a myth among them. Their job is not only to be "captain", but to keep tempo during marching. Unfortunately, one requirement is to be unable to keep tempo for any duration of time. The girls are manlier than most. The fact is that they would love to kill you and use your bones as new sticks. They are the slackers of the band. TappatappatappataptaptapTAPTAP! Roll! Click! tappatappataptaptap tap tap tap!

• Sideline Percussion - Affectionately called the "Pit" by the band director, this group is made up of people who had failed to meet his standards in marching and playing and some that actually want to be there, thus thrown into a "pit" of xylophones, timpani and assorted percussion instruments. Many of the marchers have a defined resentment for the gremlins who stay in their tent all Band Camp long, not having to march a step; however, say it to their face, and you will find limbs missing and mallets shoved up your ass. They possess the power of playing upwards of 24 * 10^31 sticks at one time, disregarding their ability to actually play the actual music with any real talent. Players in the "Pit" are constantly told to "listen back", which is often impossible due to the facts that their obnoxiously loud instruments are in the way, the horns are in the way, and they're not facing "back" in the first place. This is often ignored by the band staff, especially the egotistical drumline instructor, who respond by saying "listen harder."

• Freak Instruments - Section that includes the oboe, bassoon and many weird brass instruments (here's looking to you Flugel Horn). These people love "attention" and usually get that "attention". Tis is the section that screws everything up by needing special things for their instruments. Oboe and bassoon are not supposed to be marched due to the fact that the strange appendages on their instruments can and often will reach out of their own volition and kill members of the band that play "real" instruments, and cost enough for one reed than an entire set of uniforms. Most likely to bankrupt the band.

• Drifters- A.K.A alternates. These people are not a section, but rather a group of individuals that have switched instruments because a section needs more members or their section leaders are bastards. These people usually didn't get spots in the show because a rare disease called Cynotpleymusikwurthkrapeosis. Excepting the occasional talented player, most of the people in this "section" is looked down on by the rest of the band for being "non-committal", "discomplacent", and "gay".

• Color Guard - Despite how much percussionists and soloists are made fun of for making up parts, color guard are the worst in the band for it. This is the section that no band member can ever comprehend because they're oblivious to the fact that they suck at flag-twirling, throwing, catching, staying, in step, memorizing parts, cock, and life. It is composed of fat girls, anorexic girls, and lesbians. The guard is a family within the band. The only section willing to talk to the color guard is the drumline because their own lack of social acceptance. Color guard are usually the most perverted creatures on the planet, and they are notorious for ass-grabbing. Mostly they are there to get in the way of the band, and to waste the band's money by needing new equipment every year. Don't tell them that to their face, however, of you will find limbs missing and flags shoved down your throat. Color guard is usually run by an over-obvious gay male from New York. Color guard captains are usually the bitchiest of the fat chicks. They seem to think that 40 mph winds are acceptable to throw their flags in the wind, and account for more deaths then shark attacks a year.

• Props Movers (Wannabees) - This is what happens to the noobs,and or freak parents who are so devoted to the band that they are willing to do anything, who cannot march or play, yet are exceedingly enthusiastic about being in the band. Most likey to break marcher's instruments and or screw up anything in their path. Often the director picks the weakest link and makes him push quirky and cumbersome "props", which are defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as "props".

[edit] Enemies

• Choir - the Band’s natural enemy – the band sends the piccolo player in to asplode their ear drums.

• Other Bands - watch when you are around two bands, shit can and probably will go down.

• Orchestra - the band’s other natural enemy. However, the band can actually outplay and overpower the orchestra. They are sometimes forced to perform with each other. orchestra sucks band gets the trophies but they get the credit WTF!!!

• Everyone Else

• Dance Team - the only true weakness of a band nerd. These sleazy, whiney, stuck up girls(and the occasional sexually confused male) are always at the front of the band. They have a tendency to lure the male band members in with their good looks and flashy dance moves, but when seen up close, their mask of overly applied make-up is exposed, striking fear into the hearts of many. They are typically seen as Jehovah's Witness extremists, and are not afraid to launch bibles at you with their patented Bible Canon, Deluxe Edition. If you make them mad enough, they'll engage in their finishing move, the Can-Can Blast of Imminent Destruction.

• Nerds- nerds give the band a bad reputation, because of the common misconception that band members are "band geeks". The difference between "band geeks" and nerds is that "band geeks" actually have friends that don't spend all day on the computer (unlike me) TYCO RC spends all his time doing rubiks cubes

• Cheerleaders - the antithesis to the band nerd. These girls were created for the sole purpose of being ridiculed by the band members. The jokes usually consist of words too large for them to understand, so saying them in front of cheerleaders is no problem. While band nerds are the social outcasts, the cheerleaders are quite the opposite; their sluttiness makes them popular, especially at parties. Band nerds resent them because of their lack of intelligence and they can't seem to get their priorities straight. And they make up lame-ass cheers for the band at the football games!!

• Microsoft

• Football Players - Many band geeks are incapable of thinking on the same low level as the football players. The reason isn't clear, but it as something to do with the football players rolling around the field with players of the opposing team and slamming their heads together, which usually results in the loss of brain cells. Sometimes it is debatable whether the football team can even play the game at all. That's when the band should step in and play football instead, because we could do a hell of a lot better.

• Split Loyalists - Members of the band who are also members of the dance team, cheer, etc. are often frowned upon by every member of the band. They are among the lowest level of human evolution and have a private room reserved in hell for them.

• Drama Dept. - Drama queens/kings/drag queens who look down upon the band kids until they are need to play in the pit for the annual musical. Drama kids are also required to take pain killers before they point to the pit during the curtian call or they will collaspe in pain and in some cases die before the drama teacher can begin to play Phantom of the Opera to revive them. The drama teacher also has a habit of getting into dramatic fights involving keys and loss of apendages after arguing with the band director over usage of the auditorium.