Mariah Carey

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“Touch her body!”

~ Batman on Mariah Carey's body

“She's a lesbian who is shaking her men off!”

~ Girls Aloud on Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey is a Black/White/Asian/Spanish/Indian/Hawaiian/Korean/Martian/Caribbean singer born March 27, 1970. She and her husband Harry have two children: Clark and Lois. According to her, she is the most successful and best selling recording singer in the entire universe. She is barely known anywhere in world besides the US. In Latin America she adopted a spanish name (Marrana Kari) in order to gain fans but she failed miserably.

Contents 1 Mariah Carey "the singer" 1.1 Voice 1.2 Family 1.3 Famous, Intellectual Quotes 1.4 Mariah's "emancipation" 1.5 Selected Discography 2 List of #1 Singles in the USA 3 Mariah Carey and turds 4 External Links 5 See Also

[edit] Mariah Carey "the singer"

Born on a far away planet where everyone communicates via ultrasonic frequencies, Mariah Carey was a pariah because of her freakishly deep voice, many pitches of which lay below the hearing range of her native species. She was thus exiled in her teens and lived for years among the lambs of her world.

One day her planet was scheduled to be destroyed by large yellow ships (to make way for a Starbucks). Before this happened, she managed to sneak onto one of the ships and, after a series of hilarious adventures, landed on Earth. Here she was found by a lecherous middle aged man and hip hop artist named Ronald McDonald. The "Clown of Pop" had a fetish for extraterrestrials and a boundless lust for cash. Noting how high her voice was, at least in comparison to humans, he decided to train her in singing and exploit her. During a tryst in the back of a clown car, the couple unwittingly conceived their mixed-race love-child, Natalie Portman (she sold the baby to Natalie's adoptive parents. Ironically, Natalie later played Petme, the Transsexual Queen of Naboobie in the film "Preteen Slut II: Attack of the Clowns". She greatly resembled her real parents at the time, although Natalie wouldn't discover this fact until she made "Where the Penis Is".)

As she spoke English only very poorly, her training consisted largely of listening to and imitating old Aretha Franklin and Chaka Khan records. Unfortunately her poor language skills made it impossible for her to grasp the subtleties of classic gospel and soul, so her concept of good singing never evolved beyond her trademark high-pitched screams and a certain style of melisma that she would deploy with little or no provocation.

Fortunately, as Oscar Wilde once put it, "People have just the shittiest taste in music." Her debut album sold an estimated 15 gajillion copies, and she soon became the best selling "female" musician of all time, surpassing previous record holder Hildegard von Bingen in 2015.But despite this people revealed they only brought copies as it keeps people with taste away and helps make animals do as we say!

In the year 2064, Carey had her body cryogenically frozen. Her frozen body then ran away with her biggest fans, Erin and Daniel. Soon after the rendezvous, Mariah murdered those obsessed fans with her high pitched squealing during a fight concerning the last slice of bacon.

Contrary to popular misconception, Carey does not eat babies (Because they contain calories), but she does have a collection of them under her bed. Also, Mariah sells the babies she frequently mothers to adoptive parents because she "can't handle the drama".

In 2006 Mariah was at a concert when a crazed fan said her face resembled a muppet . Mariah took this to heart and now dates her supposed soul mate Kermit the Frog .

Carey is to release a new album this year entilled 'From the bottom of my high pitched squeals'

The technical name for her musical style is 'melisma-laden bollocks over five octaves'.

Image:You-light-up-my-life.mp3

[edit] Voice

Carey's voice has come under considerable scrutiny from critics who believe that she does not effectively communicate the message of her songs. Although this accusation may be true, she still effectively hypnotizes "Lambs" as she calls her fans to do the unthinkable. They would rob hospitals of babies and take them to her mothership for sacrificial purposes. Rolling Stone magazine said in 1992, "Mariah Carey has a remarkable vocal gift. Her screams and spells are very controlling and should be used in Iraq as lethal devices"

[edit] Family

Mariah is distantly related to the Face On Mars. She is also the secret love child of Miss Piggy and Link Hogthrob who starred on The Muppet Show together.She also has been romantically linked to Madonna and Janet Jackson. Miss Piggy now claims that Mariah was an accident that spirled out of control.

[edit] Famous, Intellectual Quotes

"How close can I get, to being naked and doing porn...without actually doing it?" - On her look alike/ impersonator Mary Cary's porn movies.

"I personally don't mind him, but his fist sure is huge!"

"Do I look anorexic in the wearing the size -784632745 Gucci dress?"

"Am I still alive or are you dead?"

"I created the song We belong Together while making fun of world hunger and it became an instant smash hit!!!"

"I guess some people like fat pigs like Oprah, MY best friend who I love dearly, and don't mind her world domination."

"I can't help but enjoy shoving in as much as I get up there" - Mariah on anal sex

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Sample of an upcoming Mariah song.

[edit] Mariah's "emancipation"

Mariah, long known to the public, was a slave to her home planet, even though it was destroyed. Finally, in 2004, the Intergalactic Commission decided to emancipate Mariah as "Mimi", allowing Mariah to become more human in nature. Curiously however, she didn't change at all. She continues to use the name Mariah, and keeps selling her babies, never developing the motherly instinct of humans. Conspiracy theorists believe that Mariah continues to give her babies away to Sugargliders. This is not proven, although it is not outside of Mariah's freakish character. She was then heard scream, "I shit Maple Syrup & U Ain't Gettin' None!"

[edit] Selected Discography

• Butterfly (sold 1 billion copies in Japan)
• Rainbow (which features "Love Muffin", a song witch samples Debra Wilson's hit song "Heartbreaker." and which sold have a billion copies worldwide... what a dissapoinment)
• Daydream (it sold about 30 billions ... it has been said that only dogs can hear to it)
• Glitter Dust (released only in mars.... 2 copies where sold in Earth, one to bin landen and one to michael jackson)
• Charmbracelet (not even martians can hear this album... IT CAN KILL YOU!! ITS POISONOUS)
• Lollipop & Corn Flakes (sold about 6 copies worldwide)
• Unicorns and Fairies (which samples her very own, "I Fell In Love With A Crack-Head/Bum")
• Return to Candyland
• The Long Long Long Long Anticipation of Mimi (it sold 10 billion in mars and earth together)
• e=MC2 = 23x56y-78χ+36χ= TOP SECRET CIA COMBINATION (mariahs most sexually oriented album. it contains songs about, mastributing and posting porn videos on youtube such as the #1 smash in Albania "touch my boobies, fuck me on the floor, show me what you got, fuck me hard some more!!!aaah yeah baby FUCK ME", for which she won a grammy for being the most desperate for sex artist ever. she was also awarded a "Fuck award" for her video for touch my boobies which shows her fucking with janet jackson, madonna, beyonce and britney spears simultaneounsly. the album debuted at #1 in the United States and in every single country of the world. in the united states it retained its pole position for 12 centuries breaking her own record (her debut stayed at #1 for 10 centuries)!! to date the album has sold about 7.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000.000 copies. it has also been reported that most of the albums buyers are animals (cats, dogs, parrots, elephants, snakes, bats, sonic the hedgehog, amy rose, miles tails, worms, michael jackson, britney spears, chris crocker, among others) which are the only living beings that are actually able to listen to her music. it was given a -15 stars by rolling stones, her best rating by the magazine so far! the album also won the very honorable award "Worst Album Ever", throwing her previous album "Glitter" at #2! mariah has 127 albums on the list "Worst album ever" and 89 of them managed to top the chart!... we are so proud of you mariah... bless you and your fat-elephant friend Oprah... god bless you)

[edit] List of #1 Singles in the USA

Mariah is a chart-obsessed bitch who makes pathetic campaigns with her fans in order to make her songs #1, asking them to buy multiple copies in exchange for a pussy hair for every receipt. Her singles are always below 49 cents. Mariah has had way too many USA #1 songs probably because their all lovers of high pitched yelps.The songs were inspired by her extreme diet and craving for food in any possible way. She also enjoys and occasional snack which include Asian people for desert while visiting her best friend Oprah and the Church of Oprah

• "Vision of Pies"
• "Cheesecake Takes Time...2 Bake"
• "Someday, My Pizza Will be Delivered"
• "C.R.E.A.M. (Chinese Rice Exits Anyones Merchantman)"
• "I Don't Wanna Cry for My Bagel"
• "I Hide My Emotions in Cookies (& Sell them to Little Girls Who Then become Prostitutes)"
• "I'll Be There for the Buffet"
• "Creamlover"
• "Hero Sandwiches"
• "Without You (The Constipation Song)"
• "Anytime You Need A (dim sum dinner at ching chong funky town) ......"
• "Fantasy Chicken"
• "One Sweet Lay"
• "Open Armpits Unshaved For 2 years"
• "Always Be My Bagel"
• "Underneathe The Bras"
• "Honey & Lard"
• "Butterfried"
• "Breakdown (Prediction that will happen after 4 more years of endless singing and breast enlargement)"
• "I'd Give My All for Your Plate of Food"
• "Seat Breaker" (featuring Jay-Z)
• "Thank God I Found My Oven" (featuring Joe and 98 Degrees)
• "Can't Take That Cocaine From Me (Mariah's Supposed To Be National Anthem)"
• "It's like that CheeseCake!"
• "McDonald's, We Belong Together"
• "Don't Forget the Whipped Cream"
• "Say Something (Like you have hepatitis C)" featuring Snoopy
• "Fly Like A Bird Die Like A Fly"
• "Mime Again"
• "Touch My Booby"
• "Aces High" - Cover.

[edit] Mariah Carey and turds

When someone accidentally steps on a turd, it usually emits a high-pitched ultrasonic signal in order to defend itself from the attacker. This scream, only comparable to the banshee's scream of death, is called a "Mariah Carey".

Only audible by some dogs, dolphins and Leonard Nimoy the sound is thought to be seeking extraterrestrial assistance, and is often used as evidence by Alien Abductees to prove the existence of life on other planets.

The signal emitted from the rare yellow/white/pale turd is notably different to other varieties, possibly indicative of regional or racial differences?

Mariah Careys are sometimes shown at MTV, causing the death of millions of people by broadcasting. The last time a Mariah Carey was broadcasted in 1999, the TV signal hit the planet Zoloft IV, starting the star wars against earth.

[edit] External Links

• M. Carey Profile UCN

[edit] See Also

Mariah Carey albums discography, Pulse Music