Marie Antoinette
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“She can't have cake”
~ James Schultz on Marie Antoinette
“The secret of surviving any crisis is never losing one´s head”
~ Marie Antoinette on solving troubles
Marie Antoinette (1899-Present), AKA the sexy beast,AKA Albert Hue Bumpass was and continues to be a total bitch, but her cakes have made her an international icon. In this way she is similar to Martha Stewart, but in few others.
[edit] Background
Born a harlot of the renaissance and a slave to fashion, young Marie was sent to live on the streets, where she learned how tough life could be. She joined the huit neuf six sangs, the french equivalent of the bloods, and immediately learned the finer points of smacking up hos, popping caps in others asses, and, on occasion, the tossing of salad.She was regularly showing up for events bruised up cuz she didn't pay her pimp. The French King was unable to stop these event from occuring, seeing as he was a pimp's bitch as well. even featured on the 11 o'clock news, or as the french called it, "Les 11 heures de nouvelles" for her 24 Kilometer (That's34 light years for those of you still using the english system) chase on horse and buggy. When Marie was imprisoned, she met the king of France. The king of France, being the king of France that he was, decided to make Marie Antoinette his bitch. The two were married November 8, 1692, although we aren't sure if was 1692 BC or 1692 AD.
[edit] Life as the Queen
Desperately in need of babies to feed the French public's appetite for newborn flesh, French King Louis XVI forced Marie into marriage, the alternative being a guest spot on Who's the Boss?. She began feverishly baking cakes, and when asked at the Miss Universe competition what her one wish was for the world, she responded with her now famous 'Let them eat cake!', otherwise known as the slogan that spawned 1000 restaurants. Not to be confused with the slogan that started 1000 divorces, 'Today is gonna be a changing day in your life!' Cake sales went up immidiately, and by only a very narrow margin was Marie unable to bolster the French economy enough to prevent the French Revolution. This attempt at stopping the spread of Democracy put Marie on the Hollywood Blacklist as a Communist supporter, and she was stoned by Senator Palpatine. Marie is now the patron saint of Columbia, always ensuring a good cocaine harvest.
[edit] The Truth
Marie Antoinette was actually a virgin and not a whore.
Being Austrian by birth she made Strudel and not cake (The cake is a lie), the unfortunate cake phrase was a result of her very poor grasp of the French language. She actually meant to say "Piss off, you peasant scum, how dare you look at me. . . I am the queen of France, who the hell are you?" Unfortunately this phrase has been lost in translation.
