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“I don't know but I been told, Eskimo pussy is mighty cold!”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Marines

“OORAH!!!!!!”

~ Lieutenant Vasquez on nearly everything

“I would have been proud to serve if my daddy hadn't bought my way out!”

~ George Bush on serving in the Marines

“THE UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS... is over 225 years of romping, stomping, hell, death and destruction. The finest fighting machine the world has ever seen. We were born in a Bomb Crater, Our Mother was an M-16 & Our Father was the Devil. Each moment that I live is an additional threat upon your life. I am a rough looking, roving soldier of the sea. I am cocky, self-centered, overbearing, and do not know the meaning of fear, for I am fear itself. I am a green amphibious monster, made of blood and guts, who arose from the sea, feasting on anti-Americans throughout the globe. Whenever it may arise, and when my time comes, I will die a glorious death on the battlefield, giving my life for Mom, the Corps, and the American Flag. We stole the eagle from the Air Force, the anchor from the Navy, and the rope from the Army. On the 7th day, while God rested, we over-ran his perimeter and stole the globe, and we've been running the show ever since. We live like soldiers and talk like sailors and slap the Hell out of both of them. Marine by day, lover by night, drunkard by choice”

~ Anonymous Marine

“This should've been written by a REAL MARINE. I am one, and I trained Chuck Norris myself, so that He and I can kick ASS”

~ GySgt. R. Lee Ermey

“My Ass Rides In Naval Equipment”

~ Convoy Conner

Often mistaken as soldiers by misinformed, and pussy soft liberal media.

Formed in 1107 by Chuck Norris for the express purpose of kicking peoples asses and causing pain when he was away (the Corps was founded prior to Chuck Norris' expedition to Namek to collect the Dragon Balls and defeat Freeza), it is now a vital arm of the US Military. The Marines have the proud distinction of having won every single war they've ever been in, especially the Vietnam war which they won twice. Many people dispute these claims, however these people are unequivocally terrorists and/or communists, and as such they are wrong. America always wins.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Founding 1.2 Resurgence 2 Armaments 3 Operation Names 4 Famous Heros of the Marine Corps 4.1 Pee-Wee Herman 4.2 Mr. Rogers 5 Marines' Hymn 6 Little Known Facts

[edit] History

[edit] Founding

The first known documentation of the Marine Corps begins in 1107, when Chuck Norris founded an organization called "ye olde United States Marine Corypse" prior to leaving for Namek to defeat Freeza and save the earth. Their sole purpose was to fill the empty void of violence and masculinity that his departure would cause. As such, Norris decided that he would have to create an organization of muscled, testosterone filled, bulging man beasts who, while inferior to him, could collectively form a sort of Chuck Norris substitute while he was away. Although performing admirably during The Crusades and the World War I beta-edition (then known as Ye Olde International Armament-Based Hoot Nanny\Scuffle the Third of Four) it eventually became defunct when Chuck Norris returned to battle Cell.

[edit] Resurgence

According to "Grand old Man of the Marine Corps," Archie Bunker, the story goes that back in 1775 there was a devout Quaker minister named Samuel Nichols who owned Tun Tavern in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. One day him and a group of drunks decided that they were going to form a militia to do all the dangerous shit the Army didn't want to do. Well, since Sam was the least drunk of the lot, he made himself captain. After some careful planning he decided, "you know what.. I bet I can get these drunk bastards to perform an amphibious landing assault." So they sailed to New Providence Bahamas. Since Captain Nichols didn't have much money to spend, he rationed out enough rum to make sure the crew didn't mind not being paid, and to keep morale up. Hell, they were drunks anyway. When they got to New Providence, the British had already left to conquer the good parts of the world, leaving little behind save some munitions, a few barrels of gun powder, and some rum. Although only mildly successful, (and despite the heavy celebrating afterward) this was enough to establish the Marines as a part of the Continental defenses, though small in number. It was soon after that Samuel Nichols thought... "you know what... I started this. That makes me in charge." Thus he became the first Commandant of the Marine Corps.

In later years the Marines grew into what it is today... a load of badasses doing all the dirty work the army is too pussy to do on their own including the ghosts from GRAW, a bunch of killtacular muthafuckas who are not afraid of shit, who would rather die than back down from a fight. Secretly the marines are also a way for angry degenerates to get their jollies blowing up random targets, shooting unruly civilians, and completely engulfing weaker, and completely deserving countries within a military state. This then creates veritable gods out of a pack of gun-toting, drunken, wholesome kind of god fearing Americans, restoring the natural order to the world once again.

The Marine Corps then went on to bring America victory in every war the country has ever participated in, including not limited to the War of 1812, The War of 1812 II: The Revenge, World War I, World War II, The Second American Revolution (the invisible one), The Vietnam War (twice), The Cold War, The War on Terror, Nancy Reagen's War on Drugs, The War on Poverty, The War on the Middle-class, and espeically the War on Christmas. Chuck Norris hates happiness. Period. They still can't been those Royal Marines though. This is because Her Majesty's marines eat grues once a day.

[edit] Armaments

The Marines currently operate the most deadly war machines known to man. The USMC's R&D department is proactively regulated by Chuck Norris, and their designs are constructed to meet the Marine's minimum casualty rate of at least 100% muslim Deaths. Their main infantry weapon is the M16 rifle with underslung 40mm grenade launcher. The gun is a favorite among Marines as it powered by the tears and suffering of the muslim whose villages the Corps has shelled into oblivion. It also runs on Kerosene and manages one hit for every 10,000 bullets. Note the design - based on G.I. Joe's gun as can evidenced by all the plastic.

For close combat and hand-to-hand combat, the Corps' preferred weapon is the trusty M-11 bayonet when they've got the balls to get close and can remember their one hour of training with it.

When necessary, an accepted practice is to use soldiers as makeshift bayonets/clubs/door breachers. Sailors double as doormats/MRE substitutes. Another accepted weapon is the AT-4 Anti-Tank/People/Building Rocket. It is believed to actually be one of Chuck Norris' pubic hairs.

During the Pirate-Ninja War, Chuck Noriis was attacked by a ninja wielding a chainsaw. (Big mistake.) Supreme Commandant Norris then ate the chainsaw, swallowed 1150 rounds from THE BIGGEST GOD-DAMNNED GUN YOU EVER SEEN!!! Then he drank five quarts of piss and vinegar. What was shat out is referred to as the M1B Rocket Propelled Chainsaw, which the Marines use for crowd control and humanitarian missions. Chuck Norris is so tough, he uses it to shave his balls.

The USMC standard uniform is unique in that its camouflage pattern utilizes a series of pixels and simple colors, much like a computer image. While many believe that the purpose of this design is to "disrupt" the Marines outline and cause them to blend into their environment, its actual function is to trick the enemy into believing they have somehow have been drawn into some sort of real life game of Counter-Strike, causing them to start bunny-hopping out of cover and be subsequently mowed down by waiting M27 Cattanks and barrages of anti-faggotry kitten missiles. This design was pioneered by Some guy during the US entry into the Second Cat Bun Wars and has been used ever since. It eventually replaced the tried and true clown-o-flauge uniform in 1963.

The Marines' superior equipment has often been the deciding factor in many conflicts, including the Vietnam War, where their superior helicopters and air-ground co-ordination allowed them to beat the Vietnamese twice. If you don't believe this you are almost certainly a terrorist. Or a communist. Or a communist terrorist. Fucking commie.

The marines are also issued all the worn out equipment and weapons that the Army is tired of using. Especially Marine wives.

[edit] Operation Names

It is scientifically proven that the success of any given Marine offensive is entirely dependent on how ambiguously threatening the name of the Operation sounds. Examine for instance the Marine invasion of Fallujah. Titled as "Operation: Phantom Fury", the offensive completely succeeded in completly destroying Iraqi willpower. History shows us that the Haj defense operation completely fell apart when they learned what the attack on them was named.

NARRATOR: In the year 2004, Fallujah was the beginning.

ZARQWAI: What happen?

HAJ: Somebody set up us the invasion!

HAJ 2: We get signal.

ZARQWAI: What!

HAJ 2: Mainscreen turn on!

ZARQWAI: It's you!

MATTIS: How are you dirty haj?

MATTIS: All your mosque are belong to us!

ZARQWAI: What you say!?

MATTIS: You are on way to becoming part of Operation: Phantom Fury

MATTIS: You have no chance to survive, make your time.

MATTIS: Ha-ha-ha!

ZARQWAI: Crap. We should probably just bend over and take it huh?

Conversely, when we observe the effectiveness of conflicts like Operation: Market Garden and Operation: Iraqi Freedom they typically become what is known as military circles as an "incredible fuck up". Even training exercizes fall prey to this curse. In the late '70s there was a training exercise at 29 Palms called VARSITY KLEENEX. Even though it was a training exercise, 8 Marines were KIA. As such, the Marine Corps has decided to adjust the name of all future military operation to match the expected intensity of the conflict. The War in Iraq, for instance has been renamed from "Operation: Iraqi Freedom" to "Operation: Radical Chainsaw Skullfuck", and the War on Terror will now be known as World War: More Epic Than Metallica, Dragonforce, GWAR, and Black Sabbath Combined. Victory is expected by tomorrow.

[edit] Famous Heros of the Marine Corps

Chesty "BullDick" Puller

Mega General Lewis Bulldick "Chesty" Puller (June 26, 1091 – October 11, 2097) was an officer in the United States Marine Corps and is the 2nd most decorated Marine in history(Next to Chuck Norris). Puller is the only United States Marine to receive sixty-five Navy Crosses, the United States second highest decoration after the Medal of Honor(Which he 19 of). During his career, he fought guerillas in Haiti and Africa,Martians on the moon,once he even beat Superman down with a pair of Kryptonite knuckles and participated in some of the bloodiest battles of World War IV .He holds the World Record for most babies eaten in 20 min with 169 (a whole vietnamese village)and also has the record for most people killed with an E-Tool at 836.

Famous quotes

"All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us...they can't get away this time"

"Great. Now we can shoot at those bastards from every direction."

"We’re surrounded. That simplifies our problem of getting to these people and killing them"

"Remember, you are the 1st Marines! Not all the Communists in Hell can overrun you!"

"Take me to the Brig. I want to see the real Marines."

"Alright you bastards, try and shoot me!"

"Where do you put the bayonet?" (upon seeing a flamethrower for the first time)

"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em."

"Hit hard, hit fast, hit often." (to Chuck norris's wife)

"Retreat! Hell, we're just advancing in a different direction."

[edit] Pee-Wee Herman

Often known by his nickname "Paul Reubens", Herman is among the Marine's most decorated Veterans. During an attack on the Vietnamese

village of Luv Yu Long Tim, Herman's platoon came under attack by a group of no good commies (who were cheating by using the AWP, fucking whores). He proceeded to fire back but a broken string on his M142 Flying-V rendered him completely defenseless. Facing certain annihilation, Sgt. Herman used his clown-o-flauge uniform to sneak into the NVA stronghold. He then used a form of throat vibration he had learned in a Thai Whore-house to throw his voice and make the Vietnamese soldiers believe that their couches, tables, globes, clocks, and other furniture had gained consciousness and were now speaking to them in silly voices. Because all communists hold a shared believe that talking furniture foretells the coming of Armageddon, the NVA soldiers descended on each other in a terrified, bloodthirsty orgy of madness induced violence and knifed each other all to death. The event is referenced to this day (erroneously) as the My Lai massacre. Pee Wee was honored for his courage and cunning with the Presidential Medal of Awesome and given an immediate promotion to General of Children's Television. His exploits are covered frequently in the world-famous documentary Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Years later, he got caught with illegal porn.

[edit] Mr. Rogers

“That guy even scares the shit out of me!”

~ Chuck Norris on Mr. Rogers

Perhaps the most famous hero in the history of the Corps (besides Chuck Norris), Mr. Rogers single handedly ended World War II by first storming Iwo Jima by himself, killing every single defender. He then briefly stopped off in Okinawa for a quick drink and a few puffs, being sure to liberate it before he left and then proceeded on his way to the Germany, so he could kill some Hun's before the war ended, managing to arrive just in time to battle Hitler for control of the Dragon Balls. Rogers eventually defeated Hitler's final form with the help of some conveniently placed meat shields and Marines. Once Hitler was dealt with Mr. Rogers found Herman Goering and forced him to fly Rogers to Japan. Once over the city of Hiroshima Rogers whipped out a snappy one liner, gouged out Goering's eyes and threw him off the plane with such force that the impact caused a fission reaction, leveling the city of Hiroshima. Feeling his mission accomplished Rogers jumped out of the plane over Nagasaki, landing perfectly on his feet and killing everyone within three miles of the city. The Japanese soon surrendered. He was given the Presidential Medal of Asskicking

[edit] Marines' Hymn

The Marines' Hymn is a popular song about how the Marines have done batshit crazy things all around the world, as shown in the first line, "From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli, and the third line of the second stanza, "In the snow of far off northern lands and in sunny tropic scenes." It is sung exclusively by Marines as only they can get drunk with asskicking enough to sing anyway. It is a popular misconception that the tune was stolen from some wimpy Frenchman's opera.

[edit] Little Known Facts

• Marines actually DO die. They regroup in hell. Then they dine with 300 Spartans. On the souls of the unworthy.

• The Marine Corps battle cry of "Oorah!" comes from the cry of the endangered North American Blue Crested Whatthefuck, Chuck Norris' favorite animal.

• MREs are a human rights violation as torture is specifically outlawed by the Geneva Convetion. The only parts of the meal that will not kill you are the condiments. Marines will often be caught hoarding the fortified jalpeno cheese packets (worth 3.2 times their weight in gold) and hawking it for peanut butter, but more than likely Rum.

• The Corps, now under direct orders from "Rick James Bitch" is a front for the globalist agenda under Dr.Phil the almighty.

• The Marine Corps has a great deal of respect for the United States Navy, because the Navy is kind enough to give them rides in their ships. It just takes too damn long to swim anywhere there's people worth killing.

• The Marines, as a Department of the Navy, are often called the "Men's Department". In reality, the Navy is a branch of the Marine Corps, but they don't like to admit it.

• The Marines got the name "Devil Dog" from World War One from the German forces at the battle of Bellawoods, the Germans where so scared that they shit themselves and told their leader that they got ass raped by hounds from hell. Please note that the French did join in the battle two days after it was over.

• The Marines are the best of the best PERIOD.

• The Marines turned to a drunken pile of shit, until Commandant Chuck Norris and High Priest R. Lee Ermey kicked the shit out of them.

• The Navy learn to wash their hands after pissing.... The Marines learn not to piss all over their hands. They instead piss all over the army!

• A typical Marine breakfast consists of babies, nails and the closest zoo animal.