Mario Kart
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“Fucking what the fuck!? Why the fuck is there no fucking barrier on that fucking road!? Oh great! Now a blue shell! Fucking excellent. Fuck you, Nintendo. Bastards”
~ You on Rainbow Road
“Mario Kart is a form of ugliness so intolerable that Nintendo have to alter it every six months.”
“Wow this was once great, but now Hitler keeps raping me.”
~ ??? on Mario Kart Wiiass
Mario Kart is a racing game created and distributed by Nintendo.
It appeared first on the Super Nintendo, followed by every other Nintendo platform ever.
The gameplay and graphics continued to grow exponentially more awesome with each passing game, until the GameCube version which was regarded as "essence of ballsack" by fans and critics, as was the console itself.
The latest version, Mario Kart Wii, involves less of the double-teaming and more of the DS-based Kart selection and goodness. The Wii version is also notable for the ability to play as Hitler and the pure power of Funk being available as a playable character in the shape of Funky Kong.
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[edit] Gameplay
Gameplay is found to be quite similar to Diddy Kong Racing which was based off the King Kong Movie. 12 (formally 8) players must race each other around a track while avoiding each other's attacks.
Multi-coloured cubes are scattered around the track, though it is never explained where these Cubes came from. Gameplay suggests they are formed and disseminated from the Seventh Circle of Hell, since they reform after a player drives through them and grants them the power of a DemiGod. Or a banana.
[edit] Grand Prix
Grand Prix mode consists of the player choosing a character, kart, and cup.
A Cup consists of four tracks in which the player must win. Upon completion they are given a madcore trophy. There is also a rating from A-D depending on how well the player went. If they are exceptionally awesome and super duper skilled, then they will get a star rating instead.
[edit] Time Trial
Time Trial mode allows the player to race around the track as fast as they can without the risk of getting pwned by a blue shell.
Three mushrooms are given to the player to assist him in his epic quest to shave seconds of his time.
[edit] VS
Mario Kart itself, everything else is just filler. You can select any track when using this option and laugh as your noob friends overcompensate with the wheel and continuously drive over bananas and obvious fake item boxes.
[edit] Battle
This is played over four or so specially designed tracks in which the players must use the items they obtain through driving through the Cubes. As of Mario Kart Wii, you can only play it in teams, meaning that if you have three friends this mode is just epic fail.
[edit] Items
The game items range from quite powerful to bananas.
- Green Turtle Shells: These come on singles or in threes. They slide along the ground and have an internal AI that disallows them from hitting anyone unless you are right behind them.
- Red Turtle Shells: Also in singles or threes, but home in on the target. They can be avoided by trailing a banana behind you or squealing like a little girl into the Wii remote.
- Bananas: These can be trailed behind the kart or dropped. When another kart runs into one they spin around in circles, yet somehow end up facing the exact same direction they started in, losing time and precious momentum. Easy to avoid, but placed by arseholes right on the edge of cliffs so you slide off the edge.
- Magic Mushroom, these little
drugsbeauties propel the kart forward at a fast rate. No seriously. Mario did one of those once and ended up as a Mushroomhead groupie.
- Stars: The Mario version of hallucinogenic drugs, they make everything speed up and glow pretty colours. Touching other people freaks them out and makes them get the hell away from you.
- Fake item box: A fake cube laid down by the player to fool unintelligent drivers into driving into them. A fake item box can usually be detected by it's distance from other cubes, upside down "?", and odd red colouration.
- Squid Mcink: Jizzes on a player's screen, making it hard to see where you're going. Using a mushroom or boosting helps you wipe the jizz off.
- Lightning bolt: Strikes all characters with a lightning bolt, hurling their biological system back in time so they become an infant again. However even though they become younger, they also accelerate their biological clocks so they grow up into their original selves again, except with a severe heart damage.
- Mega Mushroom, this is a way to educate kids about bulimia. It's okay to eat as much as you like, as long as you throw it back up within 10 seconds. Nintendo, of course, hides the vomit as they try to be even more kid-friendly.
- Thunder Cloud, this lets you know that Thor couldn't be more pissed off at you. He'll even send a stupid looking cloud at you in advance of smiting you, just to let you know how helpless you really are.
- Magic Bullet: The player transforms into a huge fracking bullet bill and a stupid autopilot takes the player into first place, while killing anyone in the way.
- The Fucking Blue Shell: A flying blue piece of overpowered crap that homes in on the player in first place and blows the shit out of them. Guaranteed to detonate 5 metres from the finish line and cause you to come 8th. Causes extreme amounts of rage in people.
[edit] Tracks
There are a variety of different types of tracks, but that's just what Nintendo wants you to think, there are in reality only a few, and those not of the same are actually the same with different colours or obstacles. Nintendo used it's tried-and-true formula of reusing old stuff and having people buy it anyway to create it's fantasmic new tracks.
[edit] "Stadium Tracks"
Mainly consisting of only mud or dirt (or shit...) these are normally among the longest tracks and most annoying. You can expect glitched short cuts, immpossible corners and cheap budget names.
eg. Wario Stadium on the N64, or Wario Stadium on the DS...
[edit] "Circuit Tracks"
Tarred, grassy tracks with huge cheesy billboards advertising nonexistent <character name here> kart games. These are basically named just like the Stadium Tracks: <insert name of nintendo character> Circuit. eg. Mario Circuit, Yoshi Circuit, Peach Circuit, Luigi Circuit
[edit] "Farm Tracks"
These are tracks where the characters trespass onto a farmers land. The farmer conveniently keeps misplacing his shotgun, so instead he sends out his moles to jump out and attack the characters. Also cows.
[edit] "Snowy Tracks"
Tar on the snow, snow drifts, ice, frozen water, snowmen... yep its your classic "how the fuck" track. How do the engines stay warm enough to get a quick start? How do karts with giant lizards driving at 150cc manage to knocked down by waddling penguins? Why is it that Karts can get knocked over by snowmen? Example of tracks consist mainly of the same name with reference to snow.
i.eFrappe Snowland, Vanilla Track, Snowland
[edit] "Ocean Tracks"
Not to be outdone, as it has been done in every A-grade, B-grade, F-grade and X-grade videogame (?) since pixels were put to sleep with the introduction of advanced graphics, there is coconut sounding music; a bunch of ocean tracks. Expect extremely fast moving tide conditions, beaches with no people, crabs that can make you spin around and Evil Knievel-like jumps. Also weird jumpy-flippy duck things that come out and get you. eg. Koopa Troopa Beach, Peach Beach and Koopa Cape
[edit] "Sad Design Tracks"
Times when Nintendo just gave up and though "eh, screw it". Luigi Raceway is one long loop of a track, and previous versions had Figure 8 circuit in which the title does not lie and Baby Park which was an oval. An oval.
[edit] "Bowser's Castle"
These tracks were just tracks which took place in Bowser's castle because apparently Bowser has go-kart length corridors and single file draw bridges in his castle. Involve thwomps, jumping fireballs, spinning flame wheels and lukewarm lava that doesn't harm anyone. eg. Bowser's Castle on N64, Bowser's Castle on DS, Bowser's Castle 1 on SNES, Bowser's Castle 2 on SNES, Bowser's Castle 3 on SNES etc
[edit] "Rainbow Road"
These tracks, usually raced on a multicolored raceway, are in all games. They are usually the last track, and if played on for too long, will leave the original player gay. Extended gameplay on these tracks is not advised. The characters appear to be driving in space which defies the laws of physics as there is no oxygen or gravity in space. But then again most the stuff Mario and his friends do defies any and all laws of physics so much that you might as well curl up in a little ball right now.
[edit] Physics in Mario Kart
Video game gameplay physics of Mario Kart have long be known to be tremendously and highly ununderstandable. It is an unlikely unknown fact that Albert Einstein spend the best years of life trying to understand the physics of Mario Kart. It is known that acceleration "a" times speed "s" divided by intensiveness of shaking the Wiimote like a crazed maniac "iostwlacm" equals the velocity of the speed of the kart. However this all changed drastically when in Mario Kart Wii an intuitive idea that bikes should be added into the equation was brought in. The formula for bikes is still unknown.
