Mark Antony
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
"Your harlot!"
Mark Antony (Latin: MARCVS ANTONIVS, (c. January 14 83 BC – August 1, 30 BC): M4RX 4NT0NE!!!111!1! in Eng. Mark Antony) was just this guy who became a general. He was elevated to Consul by Julius Caesar as a favour for, erm, doing nice things for him. After being exiled by Augustus Caesar, he rendered his services to Bythynia before its defeat by Parthia. He was sold to Tigranes before putting his dick in Cleopatra, the then dispossessed queen of the Ptolemaic Empire.
Distinguished for his looks and his military talent as well as his reversals of fortunes in life, he was the subject of much art, poetry, and philosophy during the Hellenistic Age, known to be the most intellectually liberal ages in the history of the world. A popular portrayal of him is as a pop recording artist.
Efforts to recreate Mark Antony had been made throughout history, mostly by the Freemasons. Lord Byron is the last of their known attempts.
Contents |
[edit] Background and Early Life
The Antonii gens was originally of rich senatorial status until his father's liberality spent the family fortune. After his mother left for Publius Cornelius Lentulus Sura, Mark Antony became a rentboy in the territory controlled by Plutarch, who catered to the tastes of the patricians.
Antony reckless early adulthood was marked by club-hopping, toga parties, and the occasional orgy. It was during this time that he discovered his talent for singing. His first hero, Julio Eglesias, suggested that Antony begin singing in Latin, since the Latin sound was in at the time. Antony did so, releasing his first song, "Quo Vadis".
The song was an instant hit, and with this came more promising things.
Plutarch had an alliance with Suetonius who held a school in Greece for similar young patricians. He offered a place for Mark Antony, which Plutarch accepted. By then, Mark Antony, known by sight as the most beautiful youth in Rome, instead of being merely seen in the company of the most dissolute men in Rome, seemed to be on the way of becoming the disturbing element in society so much so that Cato the Censor took notice and threatened to offer him to a lynch mob.
In Greece, during a summer evening, he was found by Aulus Gabinius, the Governor of Syria, who introduced him to Julius Caesar, Emperor of Rome.
[edit] Julius Caesar
Mark Antony's personal charms was only exceeded by his military potential. Julius Caesar recognized both. He took the vivacious, but illiterate young man on his campaigns in Gaul where Antony distinguished himself as a "giver" as well as a "receiver". During the battles against the Belgae, the fiercest of all the Gallic people who ate their enemies and used the body parts for decoration, Mark Antony was said to have lost half a finger while on campaign, and retrieved the bone from Vercegintorix's hair when the Gaulish chieftain surrendered.
Using his newfound popularity, Antony ran for Senator, and was elected. Caesar and Antony often hit the town together, each bringing their huge entourages. Caesar and Mark Antony were known to be lovers, and their legions were said to have made songs about them; one such was sung during a Triumph, it came down through history as "Greensleeves." although we can't repeat the words here. They are filthy. They involve honey and felching.
After Labienus's defection to Pompey, Caesar appointed Mark Antony as Master of the Horse. Caesar knew Mark Antony could be trusted with his precious heroin.
It was at a party a week later, whilst soaking in a bath of gin and naked boys, that he met Jennifer Lopez. The two hit it off immediately and were wed a week later. However, it wasn't long until Antony was back out with his buddy, Caesar. During Lupercalia, though no longer a boy, oiled and naked with his cock flapping around, he ran through the streets of Rome to present a diadem to Julius Caesar, who graciously declined as a concession to the feelings of the Senate (although, really, he couldn't wait to get that diadem on his baldy head). However, soon after Mark Antony was appointed consul, where he earned the ire of Octavian Caesar ostensibly for defying the rule of the Pontifex Maximus, though private papers of Bibulus suggested that Mark Antony shunned Octavian's advances.
During another night on the town, one of Puffy's entourage, Brutus, fired on Antony, only to hit Caesar instead. Caesar died from the wound, and Antony was crushed. In honor of his friend, Antony penned his now famous "Friends, Romans, Countrymen", and performed it at Caesar's funeral. The song was another hit, even greater than "Quo Vadis", and reigned on charts for 32 weeks. After the death of Julius Caesar, the Senate deprived him of his lands and titles, and absolved him from his duties. Once again left to the streets, he was taken in by Marcus Tullius Cicero for a brief time before dictator Octavian Caesar's accusations of treason forced Marc Antony to leave for the sake of Cicero's safety. He also was a druken asshole in love scandles tisk tisk what would his mother say.
[edit] Cleopatra
In the port of Ostia, he caught the eye of a dispossessed Egyptian princess, Cleopatra Philopator, who was disguised as a man. Before Cleopatra could make inquiries, Marc Antony was beset by a band of brigands led by Fulvia. Taken by surprise, Marc Antony was beaten unconscious and carried aboard a vessel bound for Bythynia. They were attacked by pirates led by Octavia, who killed Fulvia, captured her crew, and intended to sell them (including Marc Antony).
He was sold to King Nicomadeus of Bythynia, where he became a royal favorite who garnered the jealousy of the court. When Mithradates of Pontus invaded, he commanded the armies of Bythynia but was betrayed by a false missive reportedly from the king. He was caught in an ambush, and was left for dead. Picked up by slavers, he was sold to Numidia to a brothel owned by Heliogabalus, who was of the Cult of Cybele. Retaining no memory of his past, he almost became the consort of Heliogabalus had not Cleopatra rode into the city with a mercenary army, first having looted the mint at Lugdunum.
Heliogabalus fled, and was torn apart by the people waiting outside. Still disguised as a man, Cleopatra installed herself on the thrones of Numidia, instituated a variety of popular reforms, and due to the demands of tradition, married Marc Antony. She conquered Egypt with him and they were hailed as Isis and Osiris. Later, Herodotus on his travels recorded that he saw freizes and statuary dedicated to Marc Antony from her husband Cleopatra; he saw it as another reversal in the Egyptian life. The exiled poet Ovid, who was also said to have rejected Octavian's advances, was said to have written a fourth book to his "Ars Amortoria" in Alexandria based on the erotic potentials of such a union.
[edit] Death, Later Life and resemblance to Skeletor
Following his death, Anthony suffered a fate worse than death when he married Jennifer Lopez. Aside from picking maggots from his decaying flesh, he constantly serves J-Ho's incessant, and wholly reasonable (yeah, right) demands, albeit his efforts have been hampered by the onset of rigor-mortis.
These duties have included mating with J-Ho, the result of which was twins. Scientists are baffled by this unlikely event, given that unlike human sperm, crypt-dust isn't able to "swim" up the vagina by itself, let alone fertilise a human egg. Whilst a recent theory was partly credible when explaining that the said "dust" may have been pulled into the gravitational field created by J-Ho's voluminous buttox, this was discredited by the clear fact that J-Ho is not, in fact, human.
It was recently reported that Anthony is keen to add to his growing (like mould) list of film roles. In addition to winning the lead in the latino version of "A Weekend at Bernie's" (Un fin de semana en Bernie), Anthony is controversially vying for the role of "Skeletor" in the (ahem) heterosexual remake of "Masters of the Universe". Controversy has raged over Anthony taking the lead, as this could spell doom for hundreds of CGI workers.
