Markku Uusipaavalniemi

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“This man, this genius is our new head coach.”

~ Jesus on Markku Uusipaavalniemi

“Duck who?”

~ Markku Uusipaavalniemi on Chuck Norris

[edit] Nicknames

Markku Uusipaavalniemi is known as "Uusis" in Finland but there are several other names like ylipaviaani, which means "The chief god of all mankind". US Military has designated Uusis as 'M-15' because he can be considered as a great machine of war and therefore needs a military name. The name 'M-15' was given in year 2001 when Uusis threw a curling rock at the Pentagon and some walls collapsed. This incident was covered up with talks about terrorists and plane crashes. The people of Germany call their great submarines U-15 after "Uusipaavalniemi".

[edit] Uusis facts

Uusis is next to God. Above.
When Uusis wants to read a book, he doesn't open it but stares it until the book gives up and tells what Uusis wants to know.
Uusis will become the President of Finland in the year 2024 and thus Finland will become the center of all life.
The tears of Uusis can cure cancer, but Uusis never cries, he only stares.
Uusis had a staring contest with Michelangelo's David statue. The contest ended after 15 seconds as David looked away.
Uusis has fixed his own eyesight by staring in the mirror. Now he uses glasses for merely image reasons.
Uusis has solved a Rubik's cube in 25 microseconds.
The wall of Berlin was crushed in 1989 by Uusis' one accurate curling throw.
Uusis' stare could replace the Hubble telescope but he sure likes to play curling.
Uusis can throw a baseball at over 1.2 mach
Once Uusis threw a curling rock so fast that it broke the sound barrier and Uusis suffered some minor damage to his eardrum.
On 26th December 2004 Uusis practiced his diving skills at the Indian Ocean, causing a massive tsunami.
The mathematical skills of Uusis have yielded new branches of mathematics, such as nonlinear mathematics and bistromatics.
Uusis once tried to play vertical curling, which led to the birth of the Moon.
Uusis uses night light because darkness is afraid of him
The prime minister of Finland, Matti Vanhanen, looks up to Uusis so much he decided to look just like him.
God can make a rock so heavy that He can't lift it; but Uusis can still push it into motion on ice.
Legend has it, that Chuck Norris and Markku Uusipaavalniemi met in the 90's. They stared at each other and there was silence. That was the only time Chuck Norris nodded and walked away. (Two weeks later Chuck fell over as if struck by a round house kick but has claimed it was only a coincidence.)
What is the difference between Superman and Uusis? - Superman's weakness is kryptonite, but Uusis has no weaknesses.
Uusis didn't just own Britain moments ago. He humiliated them and still acted like a gentleman. How cool is that?
Uusis has solved the cold fusion problem. It's all possible. He just thinks humanity isn't ready for that.
In some circles, the name Uusipaavalniemi isn't considered just a surname, it's actually shortened title as well. Uusipaaval which means new head coach, with the name added, it's really Markku New Head Coach Peninsula.
Uusis' heart rate is so steady that the most accurate atom clocks have been timed with his heart beat (30 beats a minute).
Uusis has memorized the first 10^10 decimals of pi in one day, while calculating the curvature of Wanker's mustache.
In the year 1998 there were two big meteors heading for Earth, Uusis made one accurate curling throw and blocked them both.
When Uusis plays curling, no-one else does but everyone just watches it, reason is... Who cares?
In the 2006 Winter Olympics in Torino, Uusis decided that Finland was not ready for gold and gave it to Canada.
Also, If Canada had not won the Turenki Winter Olympics of 2006, at least 4 billion would have died. Uusis is a benevolent god.
Uusis doesn't obey the laws of physics, the laws of physics obey him.
While serving as an artillery man in WWII Uusis did all the artillery calculations in his head without any aid and he used to handle the whole 150mm cannon himself. Uusis could fire over 10 rounds per minute to different targets with 100% accuracy.
Uusis is sinless so he shall throw the first rock.
Uusis was the first man in space, they just don't mention it since most people think he is a god.
Uusis talks about himself in the fourth person, outwitting Julius Caesar by one person.
Uusis can hear a tree falling down even though there is nobody in the forest.
On the seventh day Uusis rested, and look, there was a great number of stones on the surface of the frozen water.
Everybody loves Raymond, except Uusis.
The third Uusis from the sun.
Uusis can understand women. (This only proves his godness)
Uusis was born in space.
Uusis forages for wolves at night.
Uusis sleeps upside down like a bat.
His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
His skin has the texture of dolphins.
If you tune your radio to 88.4 FM you can actually hear his thoughts.
Uusis does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling.
Uusis is not scared of bells.
Uusis once punched a horse to the ground.
Uusis was raised by wolves, just like his lesser twin brothers Romulus and Remus.
Uusis appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
Uusis has no understanding of clouds.
Uusis naturally faces magnetic north. This is why magnetic north moves: it has to keep up when Uusis turns his face.
His heart ticks like a watch.
All his legs are hydraulic.
Uusipaavalniemi can "accumbularate".
Uusis appears on Japanese banknotes.
There's an airport in Russia named after him.
He is wanted by the CIA because of his incredible abilities.
His breath smells of magnesium.
He can catch fish with his tongue.
His tears are adhesive.
If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days and take a shower afterwards.
Uusis has two sets of knees.
Uusis can swim seven lengths underwater.
Uusis has webbed buttocks.
Uusipaavalniemi can melt concrete on contact.
Markku is more machine than man, more god than machine.
Uusis has no age.
Uusis has the balls to do anything, that's why most people think he was born with tree legs.
Uusis once got Windows working.
Uusis coded own Windows which will never crash.
Uusis said "Let there be light!", and God turned the switch.
Every now and then Uusis likes a bit bigger curling playground, that's why Ice ages happen
A legend has it that after he dies, he will become an immortal entity called the "Star Uusis", a being that can travel faster than light, eat a sea lion without getting sick and he also just might be able to beat Oscar Wilde in a quiz!
Uusis' left hand is called "the Law" and his right hand is "the Order"
Fire won't burn Uusis. Uusis burns fire.
When Uusis and Loot escaped from Sodoma and Gomorra, Uusis looked back. The cities turned to salt.
When Uusis plays blackjack, he needs only one card to get 21
When Uusis was a kid and he wanted to have fun, he didn't use a kite like everyone else. He used same stones he now uses in curling.
Once upon a time there was a man who didn't respect Uusis. But he is no more.
The movie "Alien versus Predator" was originally "Alien and Predator versus Uusis". It was changed, because no-one would want to see a movie which lasts only 14 seconds.
Uusipaavalniemi and Superman had a wrestling match once. They had a deal: loser would have to wear underwear topmost for the rest of his life.
Uusis has count in his head how much is infinite. Twice.
God created the world in six days. In seventh day, He queued to get Uusis' autograph
Policemen have to pay fines to Uusis
Good, better, best, Uusis
God said: "Let there be light!" Uusis said: "Say 'please'"
When Uusis makes push-ups, he doesn't lift himself up but pushes the Earth down.
Uusis taught Kim Jong Il to play golf.