Mars
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 | ATTENTION! This planet has been marked 'FIT FOR CONSUMPTION' by the Intergalactic Overlord and Planet Devourer Galactus. |
- On the 10th March 2006, Mars was acquired by Google, and is now known as Planet Google.
“Martians are from Mars”
“Where's the Kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering Kaboom!”
Mars are types of candy bars made of ground up aliens. And not the kind from space, either. The kind that come from Mexico. They are quite tasty indeed. However, they are not as high up on the delicious charts as bon-bons. Mars is known as the "Bringer of War" because of the fights that inevitably break out in any group over the very last candy bar.
Also, there was a paragraph in this space once. It lacked proper grammar and spelling, was pointlessly vulgar, and frankly not funny at all.
Mars is also the English name for the planet Skaro which is home of the Daleks. The planet is the fourth from the sun, located between Middle Earth and Azeroth. It is also home to most of the solar system's bad special effects. There is a reactor located far beneath the surface of the planet that was created millions of years ago by Vulcans. It is also where the burmuda triangle gets its orders from. Since the core of Mars is frozen, the reactor was designed to heat the ice and expel oxygen into the atmosphere. Why the original inhabitants of Mars never turned the reactor on is something that is never revealed or even mentioned.
It is expected that Mars crashes into Earth this weekend. The Bush Administration has ordered that all Americans hide under their stairs. Dick Cheney shot it in the face, then huffed an orphan.
Even though the legendary Kuato knew of and told many about the reactor, it took a very long time before it was finally started. This was because of the evil Cohagen. Cohagen was a bastard and wouldn't turn it on. In the early 90's, after considering a divorce from his wife, a man known as Douglas Quaid (aka: Hauser) had partial recall of the reactor's purpose. He later breached the secret ignition room and started the reactor giving Mars its breathable atmosphere. Mars now has a blue sky and looks remarkably similar to a desert on the planet Earth. Immediately following the reactor's ignition, Quaid attended a party; Richter couldn't make it. Later on he had Total Recall, remembered former California Governor Gray Davis, and in a successful coup, became known as the Governator.
Mars is home to FA Premier League Champions Greys Athletic F.C..
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[edit] Martians
- Main article: Martian
There are many theories as to who (or what) inhabits Mars. Some of these have been listed here:
- Sailor Mars. Believed to be the current ruler of the planet except when she travels down to earth to film another "School Girls Gone Wild!!!" special. She usually bribes the citizens by stripping and letting them watch her nude shows. She crushes the martians face with her boobs since they saw her naked meaning she is a bad prostitute.
- Little green men. Little green men are a lot like men, except they're smaller, greener and don't appear to have dicks. As opposed to largish and kind of pinkish or yellowish or deep brown or kind of lighter brown, such are the hues found on Earth. They are reported to be peaceful and have a fascination with Earthling leaders such as lord and master of mindless software sheep Bill Gates or the cult god, the numa numa kid. Whereas the females of the species are tall, green, and inexplicably attracted to Earth men (probably because they have larger penises to fuck).
- Whitley Striebers. Apparitions that resemble the horror novelist and alien abductee, Whitley Strieber. They are prone to writing books and generating cash by having their comrades abduct them. They blow this cash in Yakima, WA after continuously mistaking it for Twin Peaks.
- Kind of medium sized blue arseholes. These have little bony ridges across their heads, are always bald, and between the size of a small child and a grown man. As you can see from the interactive documentary destroy all humans, they really want to rape us all and basically fuck us. Thus, when they invade, the best option is to fall down and lend your vagina or just look for a lady alien to fuck.
- Humanish things. These are a lot like humans, but more sexy and with fairly large penises and vaginas (penises are mountains and vaginas are black holes)we've always just failed to notice. Despite being vastly more sexy in bed and being able to seduce ladies spaceships, and even morph, they still fail to follow the rules of fashion or the instructions on a video recorder, and seem to enjoy sex and strip clubs just so you know they're either aliens or Scottish. Addicted to ice cream and boobies.
- Kung Fu Fairies. Related to the more peaceful fairies of Earth, Kung Fu Fairies have trained themselves for millennia in the Kung Fu art to beat the crap out of anyone who isn't a Martian. Their leader is Mr. Mxyzptlk the Omnipotent. Recently, the Kung Fu Fairies had taken over the Land of Oz, but where eventually expelled by the brave samurai warrior Milhouse. They will easily rape you.
- Rocks...and some red dust- Strange and magnificent beings to which earthlings often overlook and ignore. It would be to painful for earthlings to be forced to accept that the aliens [the rocks] cannot shoot laser beams out of their heads.
- Shrek appears to be Martian in origin.
- Michael Jackson. Why else is there a secret passage in his bedroom?
- It is believed, though not proven, that men come from Mars.
- D.u.c.k.s: Dynamic Uber Commando Koalas sent to Mars by Michael Jackson. They are not native to the planet, but have resided there for thousands of years. Mars is their base of operations when they come to Earth to feast on our brains. Bleargh.
- Ronald McDonald: The secret recipe for McDonald's french fries is rumored to be hidden somewhere on Mars, along with the secret to Natalie Portman's real gender.
- Mars was also once home to a race of triffid like legumes, of which Bob Geldof is descended.
- In 1981 the Queen decreed that Mars should be renamed Marm to remind her nationites how they should address her should she be shopping in Somerfield. However Marmite sued the Queen over copyright issues. Although it was argued in the House of Lords that the 1990 movie may prove popular if re-marketed as Marmites go Home.
- Martians plan to blow up their only moon "Doub-O (Okmatt Okturney)" on Joevember 4th, 2014 because they need its precious chin supplies and they want to have more condoms of rock.
[edit] Economy
The primary exports of the planet Mars are M & M's, Mars bars and Martial Artworks. Mars is the only major planet to be wholly owned by a confectionary manufacturer.
In relation to the apparent takeover of Mars by Google, the economy is beginning to grow under the Planet Google Snake Farms business.
Their economy is based on Grapenuts. The current exchange rate is 900 Grapenuts to one American dollar (roughly what Grapenuts sell for in America). Did I mention I meant America, Jupiter? Well, there it is.
The planet makes a large amount of money from Premiership Champions Greys Athletic, as the locally based side sells huge amounts of merchandise to glory hunters down on Earth. Replica shirts and other official club products are manufactured in China as when they were previously produced locally on Mars the consumers burned up on touching the stuff. The reason is unknown but it may be due to glory hunter fever.
[edit] Martian Law
Often confused with Martial Law Under Martian Law:
- The captain may marry any couple he so chooses, so that Ares, God of Mars, may look more favorably on their couplings.
- It is a crime punishable by death to steal from the Red Planet. Should there be insufficient proof to convict someone, the Captain may draw a picture describing the event, and that shall be enough. You Found a secret!
- Doctors, scientitians and other wizards are forbidden!
- These laws are enforced by the Martian Knights, led by Sir Phobos: Protector of Mars and Beater of Ass. The knights carry bats and embark on quests to find ass, and then beat the crap out of it!
- Stay away from the Stoats they will kill you! Also no digging Stoats have hives under the surface!
[edit] Water on Mars
Long ago, it was believed that water did not exist on Mars. However, a recent discovery shed light to a clear evidence of safe to drink or potable Water On Mars. Although this was a surprise discovery, Martians were not very happy with it because it is believed that it will trigger the Martian World War X because there is disagreement on how to partition the water between all Martians equally.
[edit] Martian Tourism
In 2003, it was discovered that Mars is a favorite wayside pitstop for the Transformers, on trips to and from Cybertron and Earth. However, this may have changed. Megatron was spotted by a passing earth rover performing lewd sexual acts in public with said earth rover. That, and his crappy new design caused much embarrassment for the once and future archangel, and Transformers are generally known to avoid the planet now.
[edit] Moons of Mars
Mars is the only known candy bar with its own moons; a jungle planetoid and a popcorn, respectively. However, scientists suspect that a Three Musketeers bar may have orbiting rings consisting of ice and cherry syrup.
[edit] The "Mars is on Fire" Theory
Developed by a mere high school-going teenage blond girl, this theory revolutionized all rover trips to Mars that came after it. The theory states that, since Mars is "The Red Planet," and fire is red, Mars is actually constantly on fire. Likely due to the gargantuan deposits of flammable organic material and a massive supply of oxygen,which humans for some reason cannot breathe, how could the planet not be on fire? Scientists immediately began smacking one another in the face repeatedly for not figuring this out sooner. Now all rovers need to be securely flameproofed, as a safety measure to prevent damage to the delicate equipment. Said one scientist: "But none of that is true!! Mars doesn't have enough oxygen to breathe, let alone be constantly on fire! The real reason it's red is the oxidation of its soil, not that it's on fire!!"
[edit] Google Steals Mars?
It seems that Mars may have been looted from the solar system by the rogue company Google. On March 10 2006, Mars disappeared from its orbit without warning. It is believed that Google intends to relaunch Mars in the form of a new poison by the name of Planet Google. The fate of the native Martians is as yet unknown; they may either be zapped to oblivion by gamma rays or rounded up and injected with nanobots before being assimilated into Planet Google society. It is rumored that YouTube.com is wishing to buy Mars back from them, although this is uncertain, given that Google bought them too, along with "Late Night with Conan O'Brien."
[edit] Immenent Destruction
Ever since Western Australian premier Alan Carpenter announced his inherent hatred of Mars in 2006, it has been predicted that the prospective Death Star of Western Australia will be used to destroy Mars. This follows the current leadership pattern of declaring war on largely uninhabited planets by Mr Carpenter, which includes all bodies in the distant solar system of Alpha Centauri.
[edit] In fiction
The depiction of Mars in fiction has been stimulated by its dramatic Greenish color and by early scientific speculations that its surface conditions not only might support life, but really stupid life that we should some day kill and eat.
[edit] Nightlife on Mars?
This photo of "White Substance" reveals that there is a nightlife on Mars, if you know what I mean...
[edit] See Also
- Arsia mons. The largest planetary sphincter in the solar system, "bar none" {ie. "without chocalate"}.
- With a telescope
- Marz
- Martian
- Federation Of Mars
- divorce
- Lithuania
- Nadeo
- Airline - a proposed transportation system between Venus and Mars
- Mars Ecology Party
- Whales on Mars
- The Mars Volta
- Stranger in a Strange Land
| Planets |
|---|
| Confirmed (Solar System): Freddy Mercury / Mercury | Venus | Luton | Earth/Lyons/iEarth/World | Disney World | Planet Hollywood | Mars | Planet Google | Globe | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus / Youranus | Neptune | Magrathea | Pluto (planet) |
| Confirmed (Exosolar): An T'ark-Ti'kah | Uncyclopedia | Discworld |
| Dwarf planets: Ceres | Pluto | 2003 UB313 | |
| Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron | Boob |
| Denied by CIA: Urth | Irk | Krypton | Michigan |
| In a galaxy far, far away: |
| Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Earth | Qo'noS | xxEarth Cxx |
| Loner Planets: Planet A | Planet AAA! | Wisconsin |
