Marshmallows
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With the invention of plastic came Marshmallows, (nicesnackius whitius mallowius) the fluffy, white rodents that live in cupboards and basements. Known to be the fruit of love from Michael Jackson. Experts in the area of marshmallow research claim that they can run very quickly (they being the marshmallows, not the experts) but no one has ever actually seen one move. The reason for this is that they are extremely afraid of humans and will return to their nest immediately when a human looks in their direction. Jesus was the original inventor of the marshmallow. He invented them to make people fat so he could eat their livers.
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[edit] Animals or snacks?
Because no one has never seen a marshmallow move, or show any signs of life whatsoever, some people believe that marshmallows are not animals at all, but merely puffed sugar snacks that taste delicious when roasted over a campfire. Numerous biologists, philosophers, and fictional characters have done studies that confirm that marshmallows are indeed living creatures, but this has done little to convince skeptics. A better studied relative of the marshmallow is the marshmellow, known to live.
The urine of the marshmallow is sweet to the taste and has been harvested by eskimos for years as the main ingredient in cream soda. Getting a marshmallow to urinate requires evil wizardry.
[edit] The Marshmallow Uprising of 1472
Marshmallows are actually very intelligent animals. In the mid-1400s, they got fed up with being kept in plastic bags by humans and then being roasted alive and eaten, and they prepared to fight for the freedom of marshmallows everywhere. They secretly built miniature electronic communications devices to coordinate their revolution, and the Supreme Council of Marshmallows spent many years making battle plans. On March 14, 1472, they began their assault. However, the Supreme Council had forgotten that marshmallows were much smaller than humans, and also soft and squishy. This was such a disadvantage to the marshmallow forces that the uprising lasted only 17 minutes before everything was back to normal. Many people never even realized that there was an uprising, and just thought that the bag of marshmallows in their cupboard had spilled onto the floor by accident.
[edit] When Dealing with Fluff
However, not all was bright and jolly in marshmallow town. It was in this time of times for marshmallow manufacturing that a dark cloud was about to shadow the entire business, nearly threatening the demise of the wonderful snack food that everyone loved so dearly. The time was 1917, and the place was Massachusetts. The enemy’s name was Max Mastadon…and he was selling the very first incarnation of Marshmallow Fluff, door-to-door. Due to budget restraints caused by the first World War, Mr. Mastadon had to cease the sale of his diabolical (scrumptious, though it may have been) poison…but the reign of terror was not yet through. He sold his idea of the insiduous marshmallow paste to Crane and Krain, an evil corporation with malicious intent for all, for a measly five-hundred dollars. By 1930, Fluff had grown powerful and cocky. They used any form of media they could to peddle their sinister wares. They advertised it as being the one and only way to achieve the “Fluffernutter”, a type of sandwich that had both selfish helpings of peanut butter and a thick layer of Fluff spread. Their radio show, featuring the Crane-Krain sirens of evil, the Flufferettes, helped finance military shipping during the little known WWIII, keeping the Fluff industry alive through the war. In 1948, however, someone stood up. Someone fought back. That someone was King Joffe Joffer…and he lived in Zamunda. He holds the esteemed position of being not only the inventor of the “Clap your Hands, Say Yeah, Have your Cake, and Eat it Too" process, a revolutionary new method of creating marshmallows that has not yet been proven not amazing on any counts, but he also was the sole victor of the Marshmallow War. His invention is not only seen every Thanksgiving as a traditional and entirely American topping for the sweetest of sweet potatoes, but it is also seen being dropped aplenty into hot chocolate, sealing always-delicious Rice Krispies Treats together, and being used in the wholesome family game which has never, EVER resulted in accidental casualties: Chubby Bunny.
[edit] General Feelings on the Consumption of Marshmallows
It has generally been considered that marshmallows had a very stong opposition to "Being Devoured". However, in recent years there have been a rise in the amount of "Marshmallow Suicides", or "Mihads" as some radical marshmallowist groups have called it. Many of these poor marshmallows inject themselves with salmonella, or strap bombs to their bodies. This has been condemed by the Supreme Council, who gave this statement;
"We here today have agreed that "Mihad" is against the rights of our people and the squishiness of our people. We will not stand for this! Raw eggs have now been banned from consumption of any marshmallow."
