Maryland
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“What is the difference between an asshole and a redneck? The Chesapeake Bay, of course!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Maryland
The Peoples' Republic of Maryland (pronounced Mur'-der'-lan) is a land named for Mary after the little known variation of a well-known nursery rhyme: Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go before the merciless slaughter.
Maryland is sometimes mistakenly nicknamed "Murderland". However, there have been no actual murders in the state since the 1989 War on Drugs.
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[edit] Empire of Maryland
Although it is popularly believed that Maryland is in the United States, the truth is that it is actually an independent empire, and has been in place for approximately five billion years (give or take a few days). The Marylandic Emperors trace their lineage back to the famed Jedi Moses, who, after his duel with Ramses III, led God's chosen people into what he claimed was the Promised Land. Said chosen people later came to doubt this, as local supplies of currency-grade materials such as precious metals, valuable stones, or trading cards proved to be so minimal as to require the use of small seashells or premature cocks.
The economy of Maryland depends heavily on slave labor produced by students of the Maryland Education System.
Nonetheless, through ups and downs, the Empire has remained largely intact, even after the severe disruptions caused by the Great Peruvian Biscuit Crisis of 2009, which stands as one of the worse humanitarian crises in all of history. In recent years, the Empire has even reasserted its ancient claims over East Virginia, Delaware, and Tibet.
East Virginia, in particular, is one of the territories the Empire of Maryland is eager to see returned. This province (also known as Maryland) was annexed by the United States during the Crab Dip War. The Marylandic Emperors have consistently demanded the return of the territory, even after Virginia won it from them in a fierce battle of Rock, Paper, Scissors during the Nike Revolution of 2006 and subsequently ruined everything.
In early 2008, Colonel Dan Kator led an attack on the Peoples Republic of Delaware because "they would never see that shit coming." In a compromise with the Delawarites, Kator let them keep their policy of no sales tax in exchange for changing their name to Maryland's Jiz Cup (MJC).
Maryland's Imperial motto is "Fattii Maschii, Scritti Politti".
[edit] The People
Marylanders are a threatened species, driven to the brink of extinction by virtue of their native habitat, which is surrounded by horrible drivers (but better than Marylanders) and yokels on every side. Virginia in particular is a fearsome predator, with armies of soccer moms on cell phones causing an average of 1,200 deaths a day. The Marylanders that can escape the roadway wrath of Virginia (in retribution for the possessed Maryland drivers on the wrong side of the Potomac) often times find themselves buried in one of D.C.'s many man-eating pot-holes. Marylanders oftentimes try to migrate north, but can rarely survive the harsh redneck climates and steel fires found in Pennsylvania. If somehow they manage to avoid all these traumas, they stand an almost 100% chance of being slaughtered on the roadways of New Jersey.
Smith Island can be reached by ferry in the south, but it would probably be in your best interest to stay away from there, unless you're a fan of inbreeding.
[edit] Current Status
The last known Emperor of Maryland was His Most Toyetic Majesty, The Rock. But this benevolent monarch, known for his cooking (especially pancakes), was overthrown by an angry mob of herpes ridden Baltimorons who disapproved of his use of nutmeg. The entire country was soon restored to order through the diplomatic and bloody use of the military, which took over effective control of the entire country. Although the Imperial Roll of Heavy-Handed Decrees is still in effect as the law of the land, the military junta currently in control of Maryland has thus far failed to name an heir satisfactory to both the Nutmeggers and the Cinnamonites. Herpes, however, is still an issue and has, in isolated cases, been reported to morph in to the beginning stages of a zombie outbreak. Marylanders are assured there's nothing to worry about as long as the supply of Herpecil shotgun shells remains steady.
Despite these political troubles, the economy is still going strong, buoyed by reports of an upcoming war with Rhode Island.
Maryland residents also boast (by far) the largest genitalia of any Americans, and are therefore continually envied by the residents of Vermont and Oregon. The only people who do not like Maryland or its inhabitants are those with smaller genitals or who cannot afford to live there. Because all non-Marylanders fall into one or both of these categories, the only people who do not hate Maryland are those who have never heard of it. This includes most of the South, and California. Marylanders enjoy boating, lacrosse, and being better (and longer) than you.
A gang war for control for Maryland is being fought between the Rednecks and the Gangstaz. So far Southern Maryland is the only area still in control by the Rednecks with the exception of Waldorf which is a total ghetto by redneck standards but not as bad as Prince George's County by Gangsta standards. The northern half is in control by the Baltimoron Gangstaz. The peninsula is in control of the New Jersey Italian mafia. So far the Gangstaz are winning.
Recently, several metro-regional lacrosse clubs purchased the contracts of the ghetto gangs, and sold their franchises to Pennsylvania, leaving the streets of Upper Marlboro back to those who rightfully deserve it.
[edit] Politics
Maryland is currently ruled by the slow witted, but well meaning, Governor Martin "Look At My Muscles" O'Malley (2007-???). Maryland residents were tricked into voting for O'Malley because they assumed he had Down Syndrome and felt bad for him. O'Malley's only accomplishment while in office so far was renaming the Baltimore-Washington Parkway to the Baltimore-Washington Driveway so as to clear up any confusion as to the road's purpose, but people still park on it. Lil' Martin spends his days eating Lake Trout Subs behind dumpsters in Baltimore City's Pimlico neighborhood and counting the days until everyone makes him President of the United States. After becoming President, Martin O'Malley will officially change his name to Martin O'Malley Clinton Kennedy Bono. Martin O'Malley's life as President was featured in the film "Idiocracy" starring Luke Wilson. In the film, Martin O'Malley is played by a large, stupid, muscular, African-American man who loves sports drinks and has no idea what he's doing.
There are rumors about that the idiot-prince O'Malley will be dastardly over thrown by the interstellar federation of owls known as "Flight of the Conchords" and their viscious army of Captain Hook, Smee and stock images of men in gnome hats. Their rebel base is legended to be located Germantown.
[edit] Dirt Farming
Dirt Farming is currently the state's primary employment opportunity. Use of the term "farming" is perhaps a generosity; the same 40 cubic feet of dirt have been moving about the state's roads for 5,000 years. Counties often trade dirt back and forth by way of subcontracted dump trucks. These trucks are Maryland's most populous life form, accounting for 84.6 percent of the state's poulation. Most of these large, mild-mannered robots are immigrants from Japan; they chose to reside in the state after growing weary of repeated taunting by Gamera. Sadly, this led to frequent bed wetting once the trucks realized their new home had a slight turtle infestation. Newer models have overcome this disability.
The current going rate per load of dirt is somewhere around 31,200,000 Yen. This fluctuates wildly according to the whims of the state, although a large part of the proceeds go to fueling the 13.4 million truck fleet. Rob Reiner has been implicated in a price fixing incident believed to have funded his 1994 consumption of a castle, but many prominent Baltimorons deny the use of general dirt farming funds for the purchase of snack food items.
The dirt farmers have revived a fierce rivalry with Delaware and the dust farmers.
[edit] Famous Marylanders
- Elaine Benes
- Ronald McDonald
- Albert Einstein
- Buzz Lightyear
- Many presidential assasins
- Danielle [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
- Ira Glass
- Amanda
- Natty Boh (that's Mister Boh to you!)
- Colonel Daniel J. Kator, Poolesville Militia
- Rabbi Ari Goldstein
- CAPCOM USA
- His Excellancy, filmmaker & pencil mustache aficionado, John Waters
- Bill Ripken
- Cal Ripken, Jr., who was famous for never calling in sick. Poor soul.
- Lina Inverse
- Harry Potter
- PillarPrincess
- Herman (He cares)
- Jesus & his super pals
- Michael Phelps, Katie Hoff and all swimmers
[edit] State Anime
Slayers- a show about the mighty powers of Satan (See wizards demons)
Maryland's parliament is currently voting on whether to change the State Anime because most people don't know what the hell Slayers is.
[edit] Major cities
- Annapolis
- Baltimore
- Bel Air (The correct spelling.)
- Belair (That's right, there's no link. That's 'cause it's the completely and utterly wrong spelling. Pronounced "Blair" by Baltimoreans)
- Bowie
- Beth-ass-da
- Chinatown
- Cobb Island
- College Park (There's the University of Maryland...and then there's College Park. Yeah...)
- Cumberland
- Delaware
- Denton
- Dumbass
- Dundalk
- Elkridge
- Ellicott City
- Fredneck
- Frederick
- Frenchville
- Gaithersburg
- Germantown (Ironically, plenty of Jews live here. News only travels so fast...)
- Greenbelt
- Hagerstown
- Laurel
- Little Italy
- Molester Falls
- Ocean City
- Poolesville (Only satellites can find its location. Making it your target destination is just asking to end up in West Virginia. And now you know why West Virginia actually has a positive growth rate.)
- Prussia
- Rockville
- Salisbury
- Severna Park
- Silver Spring (...God help you if you think it's actually pronounced and spelled with a "s")
- Takoma Park (In 1997, it escaped Prince George's County and joined Montgomery County.)
- Westminster
- Eastminster
[edit] Counties
- Allegany
- Anne Arundel
- Baltimore City
- Baltimore County
- Calvert
- Caroline
- Carroll (Also known as KKKarroll County)
- Cecil (Pronounced Sess-Sil)
- Charles
- Derchester (Spelled and pronounced "Dorchester" by normal people)
- Frederick (The gateway to redneck country)
- Garrett
- Harford Also known as the Red-Neck circle of Hell, where no one wants anyone else to succeed
- Howard
- Kent
- Montgomery (The rich county...don't fuck with this county)
- Black People's (Also known as Prince George's)
- Queen Anne's
- St. Mary's
- Somerset
- Talbot
- Washington
- Wicomico
- Worcester (Like its pronunciation, the people there are just weird)
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