Masturbate
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- For other ways to disrupt a meeting, see Masturbation (disambiguation).
“It's good to do, when you're feeling down!”
~ Oscar Wilde on masturbation
“I stopped after the Asia Tsunami. Enough was enough.”
~ Chuck Norris on Destructive Masturbation.
“FUCK MASTURBATION! It's all about scrubb n' bubbles!”
~ Tony on masturbation
A Masturbate is an academic degree. Usually given by Universities after completion of various studies, the "masturbate" is usually the mid-level degree, attained after a bachelorbate and before a doctorbate. Working towards such a degree is called "masturbation"; one who has succeeded in attaining a masturbate degree is called a "masturbatee". If the student chooses to pursue a specific masturbation career, he/she can study at the Advanced Masturbation University for free.
Because of the pointlessness of such academic study, the term "masturbate" has also given rise to a slang meaning playing with one's own genitalia.
Masturbation is fairly common; for some reason many masturbatees tend to not admit the fact. In this world, there are only two kinds of people, those who masturbate, and those who lie about not masturbating.
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[edit] Slang meaning
In this sense, "masturbation" is when a weebian or man sexually stimulates his penis until sperm spurts out in full force, or a woman sexually stimulates her vagina until she "gets wet" and an Amazon Basin is formed. While people like to make this a hobby, poor people in underdeveloped countries find the semen a good substitute for mayonnaise in their sandwiches and salads.
Science tells us that repeated masturbation will cause one to lose one's eyesight, and could lead to other health disorders. Bearing this in mind, the young man in search of sexual release may be better off trying rape, which is actually beneficial for eye function and skin tone, containing as it does large quantities of vitamin A.
List of slang terms: jerking off, beatin the meat, doin' the 4-knuckle shuffle, Wankathon tonight laddies
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[edit] The invention of masturbation
John Lennon invented masturbation by accident. One day, he made a machine that made someone incredibly dizzy by moving someone up, then down, then up, in a repetitive manner. He tested the creation on one of his many robots, better known as E-176 Phartegant. The robot, after the test, was incredibly dizzy and had a visual malfunction. The robot, however, in revenge, deleted its master entry that Eggman put in him to force him to follow any order he was given. He then caught Eggman by surprise, and put him on the machine. He turned it around, so Eggman would be squished against the wall, forcing his body to gain enormous amounts of friction when the machine was activated. However, at the time, Eggman's penis just happened to be erect, because apparently he was looking at a statue of Rouge, according to eyewitness and stalker Yoda. Eggman, after having his penis face enormous amounts of friction, suddenly felt the urge to release his piss. He, unfortunately, was not let off of the machine to take a piss, so he released his piss. But apparently, he noticed it wasn't piss, it was sperm. Therefore, he figured out a way to get sperm out of his penis without a woman being around. Eventually, the robot felt he had dealt enough revenge, and stopped the machine. Eggman went to his computer, and he soon spread this technique via the internet, especially on school message boards, which for some reason went unmoderated due to the popularity of the topic.
Another theory of the invention of masturbation involves the religion of Jizzlam. It is said that Ba Torr, a farmer, was once in his fields naked. A rock fell on his penis, pinning it to the ground. He slid his cock in and out of the space between the rock and the ground, until he orgasmed. He wrote the Kama Sutra and spread his teachings as well as his sperm, and asked people to call him Master. Thus, he was Master Ba Torr, which was shortened to Masturbator, and then to masturbation.
Female masturbation was discovered later by your mom, but your mom has refused to comment on any portion of the history, other than that she discovered it and sent it to an escort service based in Tokyo, Japan, where it quickly became widespread like AIDS. AIDS wasn't invented by your mom, monkeys and humans got it on which created AIDS. She had the courtesy to face forward as she developed a cure. However, though she is kind enough to make us all cookies as we watch your television, she hasn't been kind enough to give us the cure. Read my book.
[edit] Male masturbation techniques
As said previously, some people masturbate the good ol' fashioned way; add a large amount of friction to your penis in a painful way until sperm is ejaculated. This, however, supposedly inflicts an enormous amount of damage to the penis; but Earth Scientist Chuck Norris has disagreed, however, and says that men who expose their penis to friction everyday have not experienced damage of any kind, according to one of his recent experiments.
shit shit shit shit shit fuk fuk fuk fuk fuk bich bich bich shit shit shit shit fuck you
Some men also take a phone and stick it up their ass to simulate gay sex; some say this even works on straight men. Phones can also be used to rub the penis; this has been proven by hardcore priest Amy Fisher. WaRnInG!!?!?! Excessive Masturbation can lead to poor sexual performance... kinda hard to hold it in when you've been training yourself to get it out as fast a possible, riiiight. right.
[edit] Female masturbation techniques
Not much is known about female masturbation. Some say that the technique is different for each woman; some even say that they can stimulate themselves sexually by going to "Sexual stimulation for women on demand" on their IO Digital Cable Service.
According to an anonymous source, some people might be able to get it done by inserting red-hot tongs into the anal regions, causing great sexual pain. Bleeding is perfectly normal when done this way; however, it is debated as to whether it causes Optimus Prime to launch a nuclear missile at Bombay; although many people believe it doesn't, various kung-fu masters have said it is true.
However most experts believe it is most commonly done like illustrated in the picture to the right. Recent debate between scientists has led to the discovery that if done correctly, males could be replaced with strange apple-looking-fruit for women's heads, but it appears that this won't be the case as long as no one actually knows anything about female masturbation (including females), which is why the topic is still discussed on the world stage with great caution, as not much is known at this point in time.
Reputable Business man Steve Jobs reportedly took out the "Automatic Female Masturbator" function in the iPhone. "It is just too dangerous, releasing such a weapon of sexual gratification could very well end sex life as we know it for men. And resorting to gay sex is not a viable option seeing as now that i am finally "cool" i can get any female mac nerd i want! Apple shares can go a long way!"-Steve Jobs at Macworld 2007.
Scientist Chuck Norris, has made a new discovery in female masturbation, he has reported that it involves usually something to do with HIS fingers or any long smooth objects similar to HIS fingers, although when the reporters asked what to do then, Chuck Norris inadvertently round house kicked everyone in a 50 mile radius. When the reporters regained consciousness, Chuck was nowhere to be found. We suspect that he may be conducting further experiments.
