Friend
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“A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend in need isn't a friend you need. Indeed.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Friend
“Your only friends are make believe.”
~ Bloodhound Gang on Friendfuck a friend
“A friend with weed is a friend indeed.”
~ My Sister on Friend
“A good friend will bail you out of jail, a great friend will be in the cell with you saying 'Damm, we fucked up!'”
~ Some guy on Friendship
“A good friend will bail you out of jail, a great friend will be visiting you in jail, saying 'Damm, your wife's body is HOT!'”
~ Another guy on Friendship
“How many of us have them?”
~ Stand-up Philosopher on Friends
“OMG did you just make a friend with a tube in your ass?”
~ Maddox on Friends
The term "friend" refers to the subset of one's acquaintances to whom the friend criteria apply. Friend criteria vary from individual to individual and are by no means universal within a given demographic group. The consequences of membership of the friend set (also known as friendship bonuses) also vary. Below is a selection of friend criteria and friendship bonuses. Any given individual may use one or more of this list in selecting their friends and deeming what to do to them.
Contents |
[edit] Friendship Criteria
- Would I trust this person with money?
- Does this person class me as a "friend"?
- Has this person's behaviour indicated sincerity?
- Would I dive in front of a flying bullet for this person?
- If I was drowning, would this person attempt to save me?
- Is this person likely to lend me money?
- Does this person have an attractive spouse?
- Can this person play the drums?
- Did I sleep with this person last night?
- Were they any good?
- Is this person <insert name here>?
- Does this person have a rich father?
- Is this person white and nerdy (an equal to you)?
- Is this person on Facebook?
- Did this person add my MSN?
- Does this person hang out with Chuck Norris?
- Does this person remind you of Chuck Norris?
- Is this person Chuck Norris?
- Does this person lie compulsively in a humourous manner?
- Does this person have a ready supply of weed?
- Is the person's attractive sister at all interested in me?
- Does this person have over 5,000 comments on MySpace?
- Is this person stupider than me?
[edit] Friendship Bonuses
Below are some of the things one can offer an individual as a result of their being deemed a "friend".
- Lending of money
- Access to the loins of an attractive spouse
- Cake
- Only being kicked in the face when one really deserves it
- "Mates' Rates" at place of work
- Sex (And if gay sex, keeping mouth shut is a major bonus)
- A painless death
- Letting you sleep with his/her attractive sibling(s)
- Talking to you
- Getting your friend drunk
- Offer him drugs
- Pie
[edit] Your Friends
These don't exist, most of the human race will stab you in the back sometime in your life. If you choose to ignore that one time you can have true "friends". However, if you don't stand for that kind of thing, then "friends" do not really exist. Only in your mind. Thats if you have a mind, which you probably don't. And thats why no one likes you. Get over it.
[edit] See Also
Ooooooooh you make me livee - ahh!
Oooooooooooh you make me lii-IVE!
You're my BEST friend....
(ba-daw...ba. ba. baw. ba-da-Bawww....)
[edit] Let's just be friends
This means the following:
"Well I'm really hot, and you're... well... not as hot as me. So I wanna keep you around for a while so I can torture you with all the stories of the men who are hotter than you that I sleep with. But I still love you... just not in the way you love me. But I would get you high, so I could sleep with you then deny it."
