Maternal Mastery Theorem
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“Your mom goes to college.”
~ Kip Dynamite on not recognizing his own brilliance.
“Your mom's mom is your grandma!”
~ Captain Obvious on your mother.
“Oooooooooooooooooh. Fried/burned/owned/treated.”
~ Stupid Middle-schoolers on the above quote.
Maternal Mastery Theorem is the philosophical and quantum mechanics principle that at any given time, everyone knows everything about your mother and her side of the family. It has gained much acceptance in the intellectual community, and actually got some kids off their fat bottoms and into science.
The theory states that everyone's head is a data bank of knowledge; you simply need to overclock your mind to breaking point to access it. This is triggered by hearing something similar to the actual suppressed memory and skipping merrily into the hall of delusion. Ergo the same way that rambling people start their tangents, and the same way that George Bush has no idea what he is actually saying to the general public. To put Maternal Mastery Theorem to use, it requires nothing short or more than gainsaying whatever the victim person whom you are speaking to says in a creative yet standardized format or by overdosing on the new designer drug of choice named Life.
For example:
Victim: I scream, you scream, we all scream for Ice Cream!
Applicant: Your mom screams.
By turning it into innuendo, the applicant has made himself appear intelligent and cool at the same time, a normal logistical impossibility!
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[edit] History
Brought into the minds of a select few American people by Sigmund Freud in the 1870's, Maternal Mastery Theorem didn't gain the prestige until Kip Dynamite revolutionized it in a famous quote that you already read above in the Idaho documentary called Napoleon Dynamite. It is put in its more full context here:
Deb, being an unsuccessful Beauty Shop proprietor and merchant: "Well, is there anyone else here? We're trying to earn money for college."
Kip, using his eavesdropping skillzorz: "Your mom goes to college." *smirks*
*Deb runs away in fear of his newfound awesomeness, dropping all her crap on Napoleon's porch*
This brought Maternal Mastery Theorem into popular culture, and has inspired jackass teens ever since.
[edit] Criticism
Critics have critically criticized Maternal Mastery Theorem for its dependence on inaccurate and generally sketchy information. For example, one barber from Atlantis, Indiana was upset when he was informed that his mom was a barber. He claimed that she most certainly was not a barber, though certainly needed one for... certain areas of her body.
People have also claimed that the theorem is merely a sad attempt at a conspiracy theory, akin to fanfic of the Colony of America. Supporters responded with swift pig ignorance, taking it in strides to be among the ranks of Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster, and Paris Hilton.
"Smart" people supposedly figured out at one point that applicants were insulting them under the guise of science. This argument was later disintegrated when they realized how vastly hypocritical that was. "Your mom" could be symbolism for life, society, feminism, drug use, plunger repair, Tom Hanks, and many other things. But is it? That's for you to decide, and for me to pig-ignore.
[edit] The Annoyance Factor
As noted above, misusing Maternal Mastery Theorem annoys the crap out of people. This is called the annoyance factor. (Duh.) Anyway, abusers often use this in place of actual dialogue with another person, which seems to be getting harder and harder for people every day. Although better than leet, it can result in this:
Victim: Excuse me, kind sir-person. Have you the time?
What you should say to increase your pretentiousness: Have you the grammar?
What a MMT abuser says: Your mom has the time.
Victim: Oh, thank you. Will you kindly reach into my knapsack and take out my cellular phone, with which I may call her?
What sensible people say: No. I'm uneasy handling other people's things. I could get sued.
What more sensible people say: You know, your phone actually has a clock in it.
MMT Abuser: Your mom wants to reach into your knapsack.
Victim: Well, I believe you are mistaken. She has no desire to do any such thing until I finish my trip to Bundingdingvillebrookeshire.
What normal people say: That's a long name for a town.
MMT Abuser: Your mom wants to go bundingding.
*The Victim has taken out his cellphone and gotten the time*
Innocent Bystander: You British types really must be less polite to these people. They don't deserve it.
What "ordinary" people say: I have been a real pain in the neck, and I apologize.
MMT Abuser: Your mom doesn't deserve it.
Victim: You know, you're right. I ought to stick up for myself.
MMT Abuser: Your mom sticks up.
Victim: Well, this sucks. Mongrel-blood all over my new suit.
Innocent Bystander: If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
*The passers-by let the wisdom of the expression soak in.*
Zombie MMT Abuser: If your mom didn't...
I think you get the idea.
[edit] Cultural Diversity in the Maternal Mastery Theorem
A highly uncommon way of heightening the unbelievable cool and intelligent factor gained from using the maternal mastery theorum, is to say it in french.
dont be dazzled by the thought of speaking in another language, its really quite simple.
also, despite our best efforts, using this french term does produce a strong urge to wear berets and eat frogs, as well as becoming a hopeless romantic. (we take no responsibility for sound effects. sorry, i mean side effects.) O right yeh, your mum in french.
ta mere.
pronounced:
'tar mair'
