Mathematics

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“Two plus two equal five.”

~ George Orwell on Mathematics

“I own maths. I can divide by 0.”

~ Chuck Norris on Mathematics

“There are three important subjects in math. One is calculus, the other is geometry.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Mathematics

• MATHS is the abbreviation for - "Mathematical Anti-Telharsic Harfatum Septomin"

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Contents 1 Strains of Mathematics 2 Discovery of Mathematics 3 The Mathematical Works of Merlin 4 Complexity of Mathematics 5 Mathematics in Modern Times 6 What to do if you have been infected by mathematics 7 Intellectual safety levels 8 Mathemagicians 9 True and falsehood in mathematics 10 Maths Destroyed 11 Contradiction in mathematics 12 Mathematical Problems 13 See also

Mathematics is the application of arbitrary rules to abstract constructs in an entirely ambiguous non-carbohydrase-based way. There are several strains of mathematics, each of which is potentially life threatening.

[edit] Strains of Mathematics

Among the various strains of mathematics, the most dangerous are generally considered to be Alge-bra, Alger-bra, Analysis, Set theory, Calculus, Cellular Automata, Complex numbers, Geometry, Topology, Trigonometry, Number sense, Ump Studies, Statistics (69% of which contain sexual innuendo), Physics (i.e., making sure the missile lands exactly near the terrorists), and Floating Point Arithmetic.

[edit] Discovery of Mathematics

Mathematics came to earth upon a large space rock during the period of time when lizards ruled the earth. It is believed that the rock came from Mathamagic Land. As a result of the landing of the space rock, all the lizards died. Many years passed, and mathematics became a hidden element.

However, some people seem to believe that mathematics developed from counting, calculation, measurement, and other similar crap. It is hard to imagine something more non-sensical, but hey, nowadays, we have to give equal weights to all opinions, however silly they are, otherwise extremist people like the American Mathematical Sect may sue us, or, even worse, ring at our door to ask if we are interested in joining their ranks.

Fast forward to the 12th century (I've lost the remote)... Mathematics was rediscovered by Merlin, who was looking for a cure for having friends. His rediscovery was initially praised until people realized it caused the plague and killed them all.

Maths was forgotten after that incident, until it was re-discovered in 1903 by Albert Einstien. He wanted to split 6 chocolate biscuits between 2 friends evenly, but was unable to do it without maths. He then used this discovery to create his laws of relativity.

Some people believe that mathematics are hard. This makes them weep.

[edit] The Mathematical Works of Merlin

Merlin worked very hard on his rediscovered mathematics. In fact, he worked so hard that he later went mad, and some guy called Newton had to finish it off for him. Nobody cares about Newton, though. He discovered the basic sub-elements which make up mathematics. They are as follows:

+	Plus	Take numbers, smash them together
-	Minus	Dig for gold or temporal flux
=	Double Minus	Dig twice for gold or temporal flux
/	Slash	Rock the numbers, the GNR way.
*	Star	Goto next level. This sub-element makes 42 and 16 possible.
X	Ex	Close the door, it's your Ex.
%	Comestible	This jackal corpse tastes terrible!
>	Down	Go down stairs
<	Up	Go up stairs
	Pi	Mmmm...pie is yummy. In America the latest version is named Beta House.
	Measure of 1337ness	Greater than .
log()	Log rhythm	What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbor's dog?
		It fits on your back, it's great for a snack-
		it's log! log! log!
		Loo-og, loo-og, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood.
		Loo-og, loo-og, it's better than bad, it's good!
		Everyone wants a log. Come on and get your log. You're gonna love your log
		It's log! log! log!
e	just an alphabet kiddo why uncyclopedia for it	e for alephant.
ln()	A natural log.
sin()	Sin	Call up the bad guy from Final Fantasy X.
cos()	'Cus	Just because...
tan()	Tan	Get some sun.
\frac{}{}		You've been using LaTeX far too much.
sinh()	Hyperbolic sine	What the sun does, causing you to tan
cosh	Hyperbolic cosine	Used for hitting people over the head
i	The square root of minus one	kinda like a legal alternative to dividing by zero
arg()	The argument of a complex number	Pronounced arg, the last words of Joseph of Arimithea
<3	Less than three	We <3 less 10 tr33
MOD	Modulus	The remains of dividing, AKA your brother mad at you for not sharing Pie.
ERROR	Syntax/Mathematical	1/0

All of his findings were published in his greatest work, Spitzensparkin de Ninkumpoop, which was published in 1142.

[edit] Complexity of Mathematics

Complexity of maths = k[greekness]

[edit] Mathematics in Modern Times

In modern times, mathematics are used to prevent people from breeding, and to cure the common itch. The plague has been prevented in modern times due to the invention of mouldy bread.

But alas, the people weren't satisfied after they quit their itchin. Someone in the 18th century had to invent subfields of mathematics called calculus and trigonometry. As a result, the itching was replaced by burning and anal bleeding. Likewise, al Quaeda invented algebra, as a weapon to destroy the minds of the western world, (They succeeded) and named it for their leader, Gebra. Scientologists are still researching the effects of algebra today. Also remember that √onions = shallots.

[edit] What to do if you have been infected by mathematics

If you have been exposed to mathematics, and do not have mouldy bread... you are in deep trouble. Most likely, you will die without having any living children within an hour. If you have mouldy bread, you will be able to stave off the plague, and mate within an hour.

If you have been exposed to kory then you should kill yourself hyperbola, you must discontinue certain bodily functions right up your asymptote.

If you were exposed to calculus, you will be considered flaming and will need to be doused with water or smothered using a fire blanket or stomped on by a giant elephant.

If you were exposed to trigonometry, treatment will vary depending on the strain. Please refer to the trigonometry article for proper treatment.

There is no known cure for algebra, but you might try getting drunk. That usually helps numb the pain of my algebra infection.

If exposed to statistics then euthanasia is your best option, though this can be seen as a sympotom of statistics. Alternatively take strong anti-depressants or try running in a logarithmic curve................................

[edit] Intellectual safety levels

To protect the general public from potentially hazardous ideas, The United States Center for Cleverness Control and Prevention has classified various disciplines in levels of intellectual hazard, Level 1 being the minimal risk and Level 5 being the maximal risk.

• Intellectual Hazard Level 1: Counting, Galois cohomology

• Intellectual Hazard Level 2: Fractions, Exponentiation, Polynomials, Trigonometry, Probability, Addition

• Intellectual Hazard Level 3: Game theory, Stochastics, Calculus, Number theory, Ordinary Differential Equations, Combinatorics

• Intellectual Hazard Level 4: Complex analysis, Topology, Logic (excluding axiomatic set theory), Algebra (groups, rings et al), Functional analysis, Stochastic calculus

• Intellectual Hazard Level 5: Axiomatic set theory, Differential geometry, Algebraic geometry, Topos theory, Partial Differential Equations, Modular Forms

In the world there are only 17 mathematics institutes with sufficient precautions to deal with Intellectual Hazard Level 4 subjects without the risk of ideas leaking outside, with a possible contamination of the general public. None of them can really handle Hazard Level 5. If such a leak ever did occur, the damage to most modern civilizations would be immense; however, most cultures south of the equator would survive. In fact, a few would prosper, and so some of them have attempted to send infiltrators to those institutions in the hopes of unleashing the chaos. I mean it really makes sense.

[edit] Mathemagicians

• Thomas Bayes
• Cauchy
• Theodore Kaczynski
• Big Norman
• Alan Turing
• Merlin
• Isaac Newton
• Pythagoras

[edit] True and falsehood in mathematics

It is a commonly-held misconception that . This idea was first published by Leonard Euler and is sometimes called Euler's identity.

	square both sides
	take the natural logarithm of both sides
	divide by i
	divide by pi

We sweep this inconvenience under the rug by multiplying both sides by zero.

Most rigorous mathematical proofs-by-contradiction involve this same sleight of hand.

I am going to make myself feel better by firing up World of Warcraft and having a fucking good wank. QED.

[edit] Maths Destroyed

Maths makes no fucking sense at all and doesn't in fact exist. It is believed it has been created by the company to distract people from their covert activities, but surely Jack Bauer by the next season will take the company down and hey no more mathematics, so just wait n watch 48 (television show).I have a marvellous proof but there is insufficient physical memory to upload it. Disregard that a=b.

now multiply both sides by 'a'

a^2=ab

add 'a^2'

2a^2=a^2+ab

subtract '2ab'

2a^2-2ab=a^2-ab

factorise both as a multiple of '(a-b)'

2a(a-b)=a(a-b)

divide both by 'a(a-b)'

2=1

As 2+2=5 5=2 and so 5=10 and 1 and so on and so forth.

[edit] Contradiction in mathematics

Mathematics was thought to be consistent for centuries, until one day, God became annoyed with the pedanticism , pedantry pederasty of mathematicians, and created the "self-containing set", thus allowing for contradiction in mathematics. The proof goes something like this, with G denoting the self-containing set:

G={G}

therefore G={G}={ {G} }

G={G}, {{G}}

G={G}={ {G}, {{G}} }

If G={G}, then |G|=1

But if G={ {G},{{G}} }, then |G|=2

Therefore logically, as both statements are certainly true, 1=2

Then, by the extended application of the basic axioms of mathematics (which were questionable to start with), any and all numbers on the complex plane become equal, and thus the whole fabric of mathematics dissolves into the simple statement x=y, with x and y being any 2 numbers. In response to this, mathematicians questioned God's motives (an act which is a contradiction in its own right), arguing that if this applied to mathematics, then it must apply to any universal object. God evaded this argument by making a deal with the mathemagicians. They got God's permission to keep mathematics as difficult as they liked and it was now, additionally, even more pointless than it was before. Any argument in mathematics can always, by definition, be reduced to x=y (x,y complex).

[edit] Mathematical Problems

Here are a number of simple mathematical problems you might like to try your hand at:

1) Jane is at the height of an arbitrary constant .
Jane is shorter than Willsy but taller than Lord Havilland.
Lord Havilland is taller than Amunra at a constant ratio of
Amunra is shorter than Willsy except when standing on a footstool approximately the height of Lord Havilland.
If Willsy approaches the speed of light while travelling at an equidistance of 34 nautical miles from Lord Havilland, how tall is Jane if accounting for Red Shift?

2) Prove the Riemann Hypothesis.

3) Two trains leave Chicago at 38:00, 38:20, and 38:40 respectively. One travels east and another north. Most arrive elsewhere at some later time t. Assume a is your mother. Solve for t as a function of a, n, and x.

4) How many pounds of peanuts and filberts must be mixed to give a discount rate on markup of seventeen percent?

5) A farmer sells 2 bags of potatoes each of which contains 5 potatoes. That's 10 potatoes total. Write down "10" on a sheet of paper and circle it with a red pen. What is the radius of the circle?

6) If five hot girls have a sleepover does hot lesbian sex always occur? And can I watch?

7) Did I leave the gas on?

[edit] See also

• 1
• Glossary of mathematical terms
• Intelligent Math
• Mathematics is wrong
• 0.999...
• Proof
• The Quantity 2 plus 4 times y = Your Mom
• Mushrooms
• Binary Mathematics
• Surds
• Bodmas
• Rumsfeldian Mathematics
• Math
• Algebra
• Baue
• Sum 41
• Numberwang