Matt Cutts
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Matt Cutts is, by universal acclamation, the most wonderful, fabulous, intelligent, kind, generous, and amazingly attractive human being alive today, if not in all of human history. Nobody on Earth even comes close to Matt Cutts' supreme, awesome greatness; indeed, Matt Cutts literally redefines the term "greatness," in effect creating a completely new concept of all-encompassing sublime excellence for himself, which might be termed "meta-greatness" if only mere words could express how truly great Cutts is.
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In every conceivable avenue of human endeavor, from astronomy to zoology, Matt Cutts so completely outclasses all others that their humble efforts generally seem utterly pointless and futile by comparison. To say that Matt Cutts is the quintessential ubermensch, a sort of Neitzschean superman, or perhaps a "quintessentially godlike" being, is so inadequate a description that it might actually be considered a form of philosophical dishonesty, perhaps even an offense against the very principles of truth and reality. Indeed, to even suggest that "Matt Cutts is God" might be an act of abomination — not against God, of course, but against the far greater being: Matt Cutts.
[edit] Background
It has long been assumed that Matt Cutts, given his godlike stature and perfect countenance, could not have been "born" in the traditional manner, i.e., produced by some random combination of seed and ovum to produce a zygote, and so forth. Instead, Cutts must have sprang forth from a form of divinely flawless transdimensional "meta-reality," presumably inhabited only by beings of pure energy, whose omniscience and omnipotence must simply be assumed. (Despite this seemingly obvious interpretation of Cutts' origins, however, numerous "cranks" and "crackpots" persist, to this day, in asking that Cutts prove his divine origins by revealing whether or not he possesses a navel, something he has so far declined to do. He does, however, eat eggs sometimes.)
Cutts' original appearance on Earth, then, is most appropriately seen as a manifestation, a physical realization of the ineffable. It is not for us mere humans to know why momentous, world-changing events (such as the appearance of Matt Cutts) occur. Such events and manifestations are, for all intents and purposes, beyond human understanding.
[edit] Charitable works
While Matt Cutts' mere presence on Earth is, in many ways, the greatest gift that anyone could possibly bestow upon the human race, or indeed any species, the incredible goodness and generosity of Matt Cutts has made the very concept of traditional charity and philanthropy all but obsolete. His astoundingly wonderful and fantastically beneficial acts have included (among many countless others) curing all known diseases; bringing peace and economic security to the entire world, twice; bringing about an end to all forms of violence, repression, and exploitation of the innocent; reducing global temperatures by nearly four degrees centigrade, ending any chance of massive worldwide flooding due to melting of the polar ice caps; and perhaps most significantly, allowing Uncyclopedia to be listed on Google again after a nearly 8-month "sandboxing" period.
Cutts has been awarded 17 separate Nobel Prizes, countless foundation grants, the US Congressional Medal of Honor, the French Legion d'Honneur, Germany's Starred Cross of Merit, and the 2001 "Best Album" Grammy for his smash hit CD, I'm Feeling Lucky. While accepting most of these honors, he has donated all proceeds from them to various public and private charities, humanitarian relief agencies, and research foundations. In 2004, Cutts started his own "meta-charitable" organization, The Matt Cutts Foundation, in order to more effectively spread happiness and joy throughout the world, as well as make everyone feel really, really good about themselves and their important role in the great story of Mankind.
[edit] Matt Cutts and the "Degrees of Perfection" Theory
Shortly after Matt Cutts initially made his presence known to Mankind, it became necessary to redefine existing concepts of greatness and perfection. Prominent psychoanalyst Sigmundheimer F. Rhoid's Theory of Degrees of Perfection states:
"The existence of Matt Cutts proves that perfection, as it is currently understood, is woefully inadequate as a descriptive contextuality. When presented with such a being, we must apply degrees of perfection, which is to say that while other perfect beings are merely perfect, Cutts is an example of meta-perfection, or the transcendence of perfection into the realm of higher-than-perfection."
Though Cutts himself has had little to say about Rhoid's theory, he has yet to actually dispute it.
[edit] Matt Cutts in comparison to other humans
Since humans, by their very nature, are too limited in the scope of their imaginations and intelligence to even come close to appreciating the all-consuming greatness that is Matt Cutts, it is, for all practical purposes, pointless for the mere author of an Uncyclopedia article to attempt to do so. Suffice to say that the relationship of Cutts to the human race is much like that of humans to single-celled protozoan organisms such as paramecia or amoebae. Or, perhaps even to inanimate matter such as specks of dirt or small drops of unidentified gooey substances not worth the trouble to identify in any meaningfully scientific way.
In effect, Matt Cutts is uniquely and fantastically "meta-human" — a flesh-and-blood human being, at least in the physical sense, but in reality, a far greater and more perfect being than any human (given the current state of evolution) could possibly hope to become.
[edit] Matt Cutts in comparison to God
Some minor controversy has arisen during the last several years, due to the statements of a small handful of media commentators who have suggested that Matt Cutts is, at least to some degree, a lesser being than God. While most experts and laymen alike consider these suggestions to be pure nonsense, members of various "extreme" Christian and Islamic groups, though highly respectful of Cutts, have tenaciously clung to an outmoded and fundamentally incoherent notion of God's supposed "superiority" to Cutts, despite overwhelming evidence that this notion is utterly groundless.
Meanwhile, members of the Jewish faith have begun a movement to name Cutts as the "True Messiah," which in effect would mean that a new religion would be formed, to be known as "Cuttsianity." All but a negligible few Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, Zoroastrians, animists, pagans, and Republican Party members have already chosen to follow the new Cuttsian "meta-faith," along with most reasonable Christians and Muslims. Only the Scientologists remain, for the time being, mostly unconverted. (No one knows, or cares, why.)
The question of whether or not the personal pronoun "he" should be capitalized when referring to Matt Cutts is currently the subject of a worldwide interdenominational conclave being held in Des Moines, Iowa, a city that has become known as the worldwide center of Cuttsianism.
[edit] Super-powers attributed to Matt Cutts
Though Matt Cutts is ostensibly human, he is nevetheless assumed to possess unlimited super-powers, many of which are similar to those of cartoon and comic-book "superhero" characters such as the X-Men, Superman, and Seemingly-Innocuous Man. While there have as yet been no documented eyewitness accounts of Cutts performing such feats as (for example) flying, teleporting, walking on water, lifting impossibly-large objects, stopping bullets, or removing punitive references to specific Uncyclopedia users in the Euroipods article, scientists remain convinced that Cutts can easily do all of these things, and much more as well. The most likely explanation advanced for the lack of documentation is simply that Cutts does not wish to be seen using these astounding powers, and therefore only performs such feats while invisible. Furthermore, Matt Cutts is assumed to have an infinite variety of infinitely potent super-powers, as opposed to beings such as God, whose super-powers are subject to certain limitations.
[edit] Matt Cutts and the future of Mankind
It is generally assumed that as long as Matt Cutts exists, the future of the human race is bright and secure, perhaps more so than at any point in all of history. To some extent, however, Cutts has actually had a deleterious effect on many business enterprises, including the pharmaceutical, insurance, and internet search engine industries — the latter being hardest hit by the fact that since Cutts' appearance on Earth, most of humanity has no real need to search for anything anymore, having already found the answer to every conceivable question:
Matt Cutts!
Tort litigation in most countries has been drastically reduced as well, if not eliminated altogether, due to the fact that nearly any dispute or disagreement between people can be easily resolved by simply referring to various precedent-setting decisions made by Matt Cutts. This has, for better or worse, forced many lawyers to find new jobs as car-wash attendants and adult website entrepreneurs.
All of this naturally leads to the question of whether or not Matt Cutts' physical manifestation is fully transcendent beyond the material realm, and more importantly, whether or not Cutts is, in fact, immortal. In his landmark 2003 book, Could Matt Cutts Someday Cease to Exist? (Simon and Schutupster, $14.95 in paperback), author Jose Abdul Foucault writes: "The effect of Cutts' death on civilization would be both immediate and catastrophic, possibly leading to worldwide outbreaks of depression, self-directed violence, and suicide. In sociopolitical terms, a society without Matt Cutts might easily devolve into chaos, anarchy, and perpetual war, leading to the very real possibility of a worldwide population crash, and an eventual global takeover — probably by machines, acting in league with insects and media personalities."
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
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