Maxwell Edison
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“R Soul”
~ Noel Coward on Maxwell Edison
Maxwell Edison is a name well known to many. A homicidal maniac, most known for the Abbey Road murders, Edison was convicted for 3 deaths, along with being a prime suspect in the murder of popular Beatle, Paul McCartney
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[edit] Early Life
Maxwell Prudence Edison was born to Michelle Ma'Belle and Dr. Robert Edison. Dr. Edison was an alchoholic, and was continually running out of the house, stinking of gin, to tend to renowned outlaw Rocky Raccoon. His mother sold herself on the streets, with the alternative name of "Sexy Sadie". The Doctor never knew about this, because before he came home, she'd come in through the bathroom window, and insist "I'm only sleeping!".
One night, however, Dr. Robert and Michelle got into trouble. Awoken from his golden slumbers, Maxwell arose to hear "I want you!" "She's so heavy!" The later was his father, carrying the corpse of a woman, known to this day only as Julia. Michelle cried "I want you" only to cover the fact that the taxman, Mr. Moonlight, was hiding in their closet. Dr. Robert could not hide his secret anymore. He worked for an assasin, Bungalow Bill. Bill was responsible for the death of this corpse, along with a young girl named Eleanor Rigby, who's body was abandoned in a church.
As this was going on, Moonlight, wishing to avoid a conflict, snuck up to the bathtub to hide. Young Maxwell approached Moonlight to ask what she said, she said. Moonlight told him "She's leaving home". Maxwell began to cry, but, trying to appear strong, said it was his guitar gentley weeping. He cried out " I'm so tired!". Moonlight, not wishing to get caught, gave the boy the first guidance he ever got "Think for yourself, and run for your life." Downstairs, the fight had escalated to the point where Michelle smacked Dr. Robert and yelled "You never give me your money!" And so, not being able to withstand the fighting, Maxwell lit a fire screaming "Isn't it good Norwegian wood?"
His mother died in that fire, so he was sent to live with his uncle, mean Mr. Mustard, and his mistress "Polythene" Pam. Maxwell had not yet been suspected for the murder of his parents. Mustard was abusive, so Maxwell ran away from home, and ran into famed showman Mr. Kite. Kite used the boy to help him pitch tents. This is where Maxwell received his famed silver hammer. Maxwell said it was just a stupid weight. Kite instructed him "Boy, your gonna carry that weight. Carry that weight a long time."
[edit] "Lady" Joan Madonna
Maxwell soon abandoned Kite, and moved into a flat along Penny Lane. He frequented the local pub, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, which featured a hot new swinging band. There he met Joan Madonna. They quickly hit it off, and he fathered Joan's children. The number...9. The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.The number...9.
[edit] College Years
"Lady" Madonna, children at her feet, couldn't even manage to make ends meet. So she took a home education course in pataphysical science. Maxwell was majoring in Medical Science at the Digapony Institute. During his early college years, Edison was a member of the infamous fraternity Obla Dee Oblada.
Head of the fraternity was now famous paperback writer Stuart "Sun King" Sutcliffe. They organized a prank to toss an old brown shoe at the school's mascot, the Blue Meanie. But as he came riding out on his yellow submarine float, Maxwell instead tossed a glass onion, which shattered. Shards of glass landed, not only in the eyes of the girl in the Blue Meanie costume, but her father McKenzie, and lovely Rita, the meter maid (a girl who checks the pressure meter on the float.) Unable to see the meter, Rita hit a valve which caused the float to explode, killing Martha Mydear, Digapony Institute's Blue Meanie.
[edit] The First Murder
It was a hard day's night in the Madonna home. Joan was very interested in her studies, while eating her savoy truffles and honey pie. Wild honey pie to be precise. She had told Maxwell to call her. "You know my name. Look up the number." When Maxwell called, it was 1 after 9:09. Joan answered. She was scared. She questioned him about the blue meanie murder. She had been hearing about it here, there, and everywhere. He assured her "Oh Darling, please believe me. I'll never do you no harm."
He invited her to go on a "magical mystery tour"(Liverpool term for sex) with him. This was his way of fixing the hole he had made between them. She told him to get back. He persisted asking "Look, why don't we do it in the road?" She still said no. She was confused, saying something about wanting to "Hey bulldog" (another term) him, but she did want to be around him. He clearly stated "You want me to 'hey bulldog' you, without you there? How can I be within you without you, huh?". Eventually, things started getting better. He invited her to go see a double feature picture. Help! & Let It Be. It is not known to this day how those two were around at the same time.
But as Joan was preparing to take her leave, someone knocked on her door. She opened the door, and saw Maxwell standing there. He knew what he wanted to do, when he saw her standing there. She kissed him, and said to him, "I want to hold your hand."
"I'm sorry about fighting," He said, while grasping her hand with his left, and putting his right behind his back.
"We can work it out. All you need is love from me to you," she said as she stared deeply into his eyes, not noticing his arm moving. " I love you to..." and as he cried out the final word "death", Bang Bang Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head. Striking an additional two blows he ensured her demise.
He then ran down the long and winding road back to his flat. For no one could know the crime he had commited.
[edit] The Second Murder
Pretending to mourn the loss of Joan, Maxwell told the press he was getting by with a little help from his friends. "You won't see me crying." Maxwell was quoted as saying. "Somewhere across the universe, Joan is in a better place."
Maxwell, returned to his class, and began to feed off of the attention. Professor Maggie Mae Daytripper was displeased, and instructed Maxwell to write fifty times "I must not be so (the last word of this sentence became illegible due to the blood splattered across the board.)" Maxwell was now alone with the teacher.
While no one knows the exact actions that took place in that room, forensics conclude that as Prof. Maggie Mae turned to look in the opposite direction, Maxwell bludgeoned her from behind twice. Then he repeated his signature second beating to insure her passing.
[edit] The Trial
Maxwell was arrested for the murder of both Joan and Maggie Mae. This, of course, after they reached a dead end in their last investigation.
Maxwell tried to outrun police in a famous 15 minute car chase in a white Volkswagon Beetle with the licence plate 28IF. He was caught by PC-31 and brought before the judge.
The honorable Judge Bill Ackbyrd presided. It began a regular trial, until Rose and Valarie made an outburst demanding Maxwell's freedom. It was total helter skelter until the baliff removed the two women. Excerpts from Maxwell's testimonial are "...everybody's got something to hide, except for me and my monkey..."(Monkey is slang for group in Liverpool. Hey, I don't judge.) and when questioned about Ms. Madonna's apartment "There are places I remember, all my life, though...some have changed."
Judge Ackbyrd setenced Maxwell to death, so Maxwell another outburst, and assaulted the judge with his silver impliment.
[edit] Now
Fortunately for Maxwell, the death penalty was outlawed, because eliminating mentally disturbed, sociopathic, homicidal maniacs for the benefit of an entire society is obviously a bad idea. (that's an example of a Liverpool type of speech called sarcasm.) Maxwell Prudence Edison is currently staying in Pepperland prison, and will stay there until he is 64. He currently runs an advice column, "Dear Prudence".
