McDonald's characters
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Introduced in 1973 by Sid and Marty Croft, the McDonald's characters of McDonaldland (a colorful assortment of hideous purple lumps, clowns, talking hamburgers, and pirates) have represented McDonald's restaurants, both in court and in advertising. While McDonald's has discontinued the use of their pantheon of weird food and clown characters for for litigating legal action for and against their corporation, they are still seen in advertisements for the fast food chain and feature prominently in nightmares of children and adults across the world.
Please note: Everything you are about to read is complete and utter.... BULLSHIT
[edit] Championing Grease and Salt For The Childrens
While no one character in particular is given credit for causing America's obesity crisis or selling weapons-grade plutonium on the Black Market, there's plenty of blame to go around and many are all too happy to play the blame game. Democrats, Republicans, and even the Burger King himself have pointed fingers at Ronald and his ilk and charged them with everything from pre-meditated murder to glamorizing anthropomorphic food items to be sold on the open market for consumption by consumers. This is in marked contrast to the widely accepted view of Wendy's founder Dave Thomas, who makes the Reverend Pat Robertson look like a vicious, sociopathic lunatic... Ok, bad example...
But McDonald's has clearly thought about the childrens with the use of their characters much like Joe Camel successfully recruited a new generation of smokers for Phillip Morris, except McDonald's wants children to eat at their restaurants, not smoke cigarettes. You can smoke, but not inside the restaurants, only outside. There are no plans to make a tobacco-flavored hamburger as of yet.
Before they develop critical life-style choice defense mechanisms that will allow them to accurately forecast the rise and fall of Western culture, most childrens enjoy the seemingly innocent antics of the characters, learning a host of inappropriate behaviors such as giving McDonald's legal tender for goods and services, eating hamburgers, and eating mysterious lumps of processed chicken. Many children are known for living solely upon McDonald's extraordinarily diverse Happy Meals well into their late 30's and beyond, and the McDonald's characters are to blame. Famous semi-Supreme Court Justicette Harriet Miers is known to have once famously said:
"Isn't there a guy who eats a Big Mac every day? Isn't that because there was a character named Big Mac? And he learned to eat Big Macs because of Big Mac? I want a Big Mac. Do you want one, George?"
Ronald McDonald has denied his plans to make people and children fat, and has fought off many McDonald's made me fat lawsuits.
[edit] Gallery of Rogues- Ronald and His Minions
A brief overview of the McDonald's characters provides a satisfying, deep-fried look into the depths of sadness, despair, and value.
- Mayor McCheese - A cheeseburger-headed golem who once ruled McDonaldland as its elected leader. However, following a string of scandals (the most serious of which was the Hamburglar's brutal beating after being apprehended by his paramilitary thug, Big Mac), McCheese was given the McBoot and banished to the mysterious wastelands of McDonaldland, Scotland. He currently wanders around in tattered rags, living off of Fry Guys that he is able to catch. Currently the police department in cedar city is looking for him. He is the latest suspect in a child molestation scam.
- Big Mac - A hamburger-headed golem, Big Mac is currently a pariah from McDonaldland, roaming the mysterious wastelands of Scotland with his destitute master, Mayor McCheese. He gets McCheese's scraps and assists him in plotting and scheming their triumphant return from Scotland. He longs to viciously beat those that cast him out, and especially to finish the job he started with the Hamburgler.
- The Hamburglar - The nom de guerre of freelance fashion photographer and bon vivant Albert de Morcerf, the Hamburgler is currently a shadow of his former self. He suffered severe brain damage in the attack from Big Mac that lead to the banishment of McCheese and Mac from McDonaldland, and spends his days listlessly "robbling" at those who offer him the stale hamburgers they can spare. He is looked after by Birdy, and doesn't suspect that Birdy spits in his hamburgers. He has lost his status as an authority figure of the 'mc crew' due to his apparent lack of facial hair. Previous attemps to garnish some granduar of respect among the themed resturated have seen him sport a black beret.
p.s He was seen giving "bjs" to conspicous indiviuals at the back of the drive thru. This series of suspicoius and embarrising events for the mcdonalds community has led many to question the 'true' composition of the secret sauce.Moreover doubting weather mcdonalds has turned in ot less of a ruestuant and more of a 'WANK SHAK'.
- Constable Mc Nuggler - The Police Chief of the town of McDonaldland, he rules over the citizens and the police squad with an iron fist comparable to the likes of Stalin and Hitler. He has arrested Big Mac in regards to several domestic disputes involving his lover, The Hamburglar, and is currently attempting to prove the corruption charge facing Mayor McCheese.
- The Fry Guys and Fry Gals - These bizarre creatures were created via genetic engineering by Ronald and are found all throughout McDonaldland and Scotland, where they are considered pests. If you've ever wondered what a Fry Guy tastes like, they taste like bloody French fries, stupid. To make the world a better place and to gain more fame, Ronald McDonald used an AK-47 and obliverated the french fries. He then added more grease and salt to the fries that people buy from their local McDonald's.
- Grimace - A.K.A The radioactive purple turd, McFatty. Grimace obviously is a guy, but the person who wrote this article doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about. [not true]>>>No one knows what Grimace will look like in the future, but experts agree that it will be her act of becoming that is most interesting. Grimace is currently the chief moneylender/loan shark, and child predator in McDonaldland. Only Grue can kill the Grimace,[not true]>>> After a recent scientific test it was discovered that the Grimace used to be a Grue and he can hide among them like a Grue, therefore; NOTHING can kill the Grimace. The Big Fat Purple Shit is a member of the McDonald's Or (McHitler) franchise. She earns $50 billion a year and hangs out with Birdie, 50 cent and her other hoes. She is the only living item to be seen from the moon. Her origins are unknown but it is thought she came from big purple candles, that have melted and formed her weird shit like appearance. Her main energy sources are scrumptious Neenish Tarts, gigolos, and your mom's vagina meat which she finds in caves on the moon. She is rarely seen in public, but when she is, it is typically in the company of that other fat purple shit, AKA, Monica Lewinsky. She has an amazing work ethic, as she is conveniently scarce when work needs to be done, and reappears at the right time to take all the credit, thus cementing her place in the McEmpire. She has no natural enemies, apart from members of the NRA, the pro-apartheid group "Team Rambo" and Bubble-O-Bill, the US immigration office and the ineffectual, but somewhat idealistic, Patrick Cleeve. She is not gay, but "could be persuaded, given the right meal and conversation." Grimace is the parent of two little shits. There is no baby daddy since grimace reproduces asexually. Grimace is a proud member of the east coast chapter of MOHNA (Mail Order Husband National Association). She has been "well traveled", has a basic knowledge of Jamaican and Calculus. She has never enjoyed long walks on the beach. Despite her otherwise unfit and gelatinous body, Grimace has been a world renown dancer since her teenage years. In her "off-time" she practices medication, counting penguins, and asthma. She is suspected to presently have AIDS due to her "accident" with Ronald McDonald, however, none of the 2 parties have officially said anything of the matter.<<<[not true] Rumor has it that Grimace no longer appears in McDonalds commercials due to his addiction to Purple drank.
Grimace and his Purple Drank.
- Captain Hook - The Captain runs the corner store in McDonaldland and spends much of his time saying "Arrrr" and trying to develop a Filet o' Fish sandwich that doesn't suck. He has not been successful, and is heavily in debt to Grimace.experts also claim that the captain loves to take it in the ass.
- Ronald McDonald - With his frozen smile and cruel demeanor, Ronald runs McDonaldland with an iron fist and large, red shoes. Using Grimace to take care of his dirty work, Ronald punishes those who oppose him with banishment and in extreme circustances, with hot oil. He lives a reclusive life in his castle getting high, making prank phone calls to Belgium, and delights in taking agonizing bites out of the talking Chicken McNugget things and the Happy Meal Guys, not granting them their wish to die.
- Birdy - Birdy is a bird. An early bird. She gets all the "shit jobs," as she puts it, and secretly hopes to one day allow Mayor McCheese to return to power. In the meantime, she serves Ronald and keeps his oversized shoes shiny so those worms keep coming. Ronald whores her out to Thai tourists who pay surprisingly well for the privilege of fucking her.
- The Happy Meal Guys - They gave Ronald a great deal of displeasure when they were unable to "Super-Size" themselves to his standards, and now suffer the eternal torment of being partially eaten by him every day. As long as they are not entirely consumed, their flesh regenerates in an excrutiatingly painful process. They must also suffer the indignity of being completely superceded by the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, who totally bit their style, man.
- The Happy Prostitute - Not much is known about these reclusive creatures. They are red versions of the happy meal guys. They have been known for selling there bodies for petty change to grimace and the occasional big mac meal.
- The Freaky Tree - Not much is known about this disturbing tree. [Seen in background of picture] It has been told from generations of Happy Meal Guys that at midnight the tree eats small children and elderly. The tree is also said to be Michael Jackson in disguise. He is also known to rape baby monkeys and is the cause of AIDS in the world
- Kenwock The African Coffee - Belive it or not, but by force, Ronald had a black friend, he is spent most of the time:
- Rasing the cows, and killing them for the patties.
- Same with the chickens.
- Cleaning up resturants in over 40 Countires.
- Has known to be a suspected sex toy of the rest of the gang.
- Gerard Way - Has been selling Emo Happy Meals to children so that he can convert them easier.
- The yeast infest whore mongering McDonalds costumer - Not much is known about this one, though he has been seen in every McDonalds commercial in the background, normally mongering whores.
