McDonald's
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“Free coronary with each happy meal?! I'm lovin' it!(do bee do bee dooo)”
~ A Customer on McDonald's
This resteraunt's so called motto "I'm loving it!" is not true. In fact, the kids hate the hapy meals!!! Yes its all true.
McDonalds is an evil dictatorship, run by Satanand the ACLU, who, since 1955 has been helping our kids turn into morbidly obese sea cows. Now with free internet access, World of Warcraft geeks can eat at leisure whilst slowly killing themselves.
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[edit] McDonalds McInternational
The United States is not the only third world country to have fat kids suffering heart attacks from grazing the McDonald's menu of culinary fat bombs. Other countries in the (third) world also have McDonalds restaurants on every corner. Only Antartica, North Korea, Iran, Chad, Niger, and Rhode Island (not enough room) have no McDonalds resaurants. These countries are fortunately immune to TV ads sporting a dorky clown sending conflicting messages to the kids regarding the benefits of exercising while steering them in the diretion of eating Big Mac combos because it's cheaper to eat a 10000 calorie combo than a 1000 calorie sandwich.
[edit] McIngredients
The entire McMenu has been tested for suitability and cleared of any wrongdoing in the O.J. Simpson criminal trial and any similar court proceedings. The full menu can be found here
The process of preparing a Big Mac goes like this:
- The poorly-paid-employee (PPE) arrives, gets his McApron on and goes to the kitchen to prepare the most successful of McDonald's' hamburgers, the Big Mac.
- PPE is then McBeaten and McWhipped by the managerial McStaff.
- Due to being worried about how much of his McSalary is going to be left after he pays the gas bill, PPE forgets to put his gloves on.
- With his unwashed hands, PPE takes the burger meat out of a closet full of other PPE's who have fallen before him and, after casually wiping the sweat off his forehead with it, starts cooking it.
- He notices other PPEs dropped bread on the floor in the previous day, in their hurry to finish the burgers. Following McDonald's economic policy, he gets the bread from the floor, blows on it and starts cooking it too.
- After the burger's done cooking, PPE looks for the lettuce, but there's no lettuce. He goes to the garden outside the restaurant, yanks a leaf from a tree and piles it over the cooked burger meat.
- PPE looks for tomatoes, but there's no tomatoes. He orders a pizza from Domino's, plucks the tomatoes off of it and piles them in the burger.
- PPE grabs the cheddar and puts it on the meat, but he puts too much. He proceeds to spread it on the meat with his bare hand, then licks his fingers.
- PPE needs to go to the bathroom.
- PPE doesn't mind the after-shit sticking to his fingers and gets back to work.
- PPE fetches the bread and puts it over the meat, lettuce, tomatoes and cheddar. He notices the bread looks kinda dead and old. He spits on it and, with his recently-licked index finger, polishes the bread surface.
- Due to not having eaten in days to save his salary, PPE drools all over the sandwich, adding more spit and making it more shiny.
- PPE puts the finished sandwich on one of the boxes with "Big Mac" written on them.
- PPE then goes to Burger King and buys their fries and puts it next to the "Big Mac" only too stick a McDonalds sticker on at the last moment.
- PPE starts the process all over again.
- Seconds later PPEs brain A Splode and his lifeless corpse is shoved into a meat dicing machine and then use his meat in their burgers.
- The bastards at the McDonald's hire a new retard to take PPEs place.
- The cycle is finally complete!
[edit] Financial McOrchestrations
Though small, the monopolization capability of this operation is formidable, thanks to a long-running civil war with rival Mom and Pop Hardee's. Rather than resorting to conventional bloody warfare, McDonald's leaders (Ronald McDonald and No One) use hidden subliminal messages in TV advers to entice the opposition to their "restaurants" for further brainwashing.
[edit] McSassination Attempts
Many attempts have been made on Ronald's life, many involving other food corporations. One of the most famous was when arch rival Burger King fired a shotgun filled with 2 pounds of AIDS infected meat into Ronalds face. KFC have also made an attempt to kill Ronald by throwing a knife into his head. On one occasion, a high school student attempted to sabotage Ronald's daily kitten-huffing by replacing the kitten with an irate cat. The numerous scratches on his face cost Ronald thousands of dollars in face paint to cover. The tyrant and leader of fast food hunted the teen down and forced him to ingest an incredibly fattening (and slightly hypnotic) Ultra-Sized Big Mac. The poor soul died less than five minutes from a heart attack induced by eating everything on the menu at the local McDonald's.
[edit] What Is Being McDone About The McObesity Epidemic?
A man from West Virginia called Morgan Spurlock made a film called 'Super Size Me', in which he lives on nothing but McDonald's food for thirty days straight. Thin people try and use the film as an incentive to fat people that you need to lose weight. The film demonstrates that if you don't want to pace around your flat in the middle of the night, or vomiting in a McD's car park after spending the best part of twenty three minutes eating their food - then stop eating McDonald's every day. Morgan is also developing a second film: Super Toy Me, in which he gets his parents to buy him the latest toy every day for thirty days straight. There are rules: 1. They must only visit Toys R You 2. They musn't leave the store without buying a bottle of bubble-blowing fluid 3. His parents must buy him an popsicle and an MP3 player, as well as the latest James Blunt CD. And a Playstation. 4. No excuses.
[edit] The McLegacy of Ronald McDonald
Main article: Ronald McDonald
[edit] How it McWorks
McDonalds has moved it's headquarters around alot, but finally settled down in Mordor, which he won from Sauron in a poker match. He then employed KFC, made him grow a beard, and renamed him Gandalf. There have been many attacks on them by overhyped Hippies attempting to stop the 'bovine slaying'. They dubbed themselves the fellowship, and staged many attacks on Mt.D.O.O.M.- Duping. Obese. all Over. Mordor. While they were on their Adventure, Ronald ordered the Shire to be bulldozed to make room for pastures and soyfields.
[edit] The KFC Rebelion
After years of being McDonalds top chef, KFC started getting sick of working in 110 Degree weather, which was only amplified by constantly working over a stove. Behind Ronalds back, KFC sold out McMordor's rights to Peter Jackson, who funded The Hippies, giving two short guys, Sam and some loser called Frodo, the biggest objective in the quest: to destroy the Ring of Diet; when worn, you would stay forever thin. To destroy Ronald, who had turned himself into a giant firey eye for reasons currently unknown, they would have to throw it into the Pit of Boiling Fat, which vaugly resembled lava. During the attack, KFC cut hs beard, also for reasons unknown. They met Golem, the first of many victims to fall under the power of Ronald. When they reached the Pit of Boiling Fat, Frodo was seduced by the Ring of Diet, so Sam pushed him into the "Lava". Golem got a job as a Liposuction Spokesperson, and the Hippies were forever happy.
[edit] How it McREALLY works
The order process REALLY happens like this:
- You pull up to the drive thru, usually behind a mini-van full of fat people who arbitrarily order everything on the menu in triplicate..
- 2 Hours later - Daddy Fat finally manages to push the gas pedal, and moves away from the speaker, straining his mini-van's engine in the process.
- You pull up and wait to be helped.
- You wait...
- You get your head out the window. "What the's going on?!" you say. You hear silence.
- In Frustration you yell at no-one at start banging your fists on the car and cry like a faced baby.
- You keep crying.
- You slowly wipe your tears and wait until you are served ... again.
- "THNKYFRCHSNMCDNLDSTKYRORDER" someone blares at you. You jump back in your seat and hit your head on the car.
- Getting your act together, You decide that they probably said.."Thank you for choosing McDonald's may I take your order please." so you commence to order. "GIMMEONESEC" they blare again.
- You hit your head again. "AGGH!" you scream.
- You're waiting...
- "Common already..!"
- "THNKSOMUCHAGAINFURCHOUSINGUS" They blare at you. Before you can intrerpret what the guy just said He yells in the mic "MAYIEHAEFEYURORDRE".
- Embarresed...You finally manage to tell the dude that you want a #1 with Extra Big Mac Sauce (having no prior warning that the fry-cook's name is actually Big Mac) and you're told to pull up to the SEVENTY SECOND window.
- The first window is always closed, and hence you actually have to pull up to the SECOND window. You notice that there are three windows, which explains why the order-taker was confused. Very understandable.
- You get your food and you ask for ketchup. You receive A ketchup.
- You ask for some more ketchup, and following a glare, you receive 1 more ketchup.
- You say you want more ketchup, and the manager is called.
- "Suh ah cayan onleh geev you too mahr keeshups." says the manager. You interpret that as being "Sir I can only give you two more ketchups". You agree that two more is all you need.
- Having had such a pleasant experience you come back again the next day.
[edit] McNazi's McWorkouts
- Not to be confused with physical exercise
McDonalds is the only fast food restaurant that combines exercise with its ads for fatty foods. The program uses the motions of pigging out at a rapid pace designed to promote fitness. The one minute workouts also entail some arm flapping motions and hopping around.
Mainly targeted towards children, the average "commercial-cise" enables the child to work off 4 fries, 1 chicken mcnugget, 2 bites of a hamburger, and 3 pickles. To work off combo #8 would require 1856 McDonald's commercial workouts approx.
[edit] McPetition
A petition is currently being drafted requesting a separate queue in all McDonald Stores for mothers of young children.
Why the stress? I hear you say. If it was a request for 6 Big Mac meals I wouldn’t bat an eye. However, you and I both know what happens next - you’ve seen it. First off the oik behind the counter will start to assemble the meals, suddenly realize that the fry vat has cooled off between rush hours, and rather than heating the refried oil to it's one thousandth carcinogenic re-heating, instructs you to pull up to a vague unmarked area somewhere between the newspaper machines and playland where you are made to wait 25 miis. for your fast food.
At long last the fat lumbers out the side door with one happy meal sized bag and a sweaty gallon sized cup of tea which he magnanomously waves above the driver's window. At this point you roll down the window, snatch the oil spotted bag, then proceed to park your inconvenienced party of twelve into the nearest parking space and physically enter "the MCDONALDS".
Hell hath no fury like a drive-thru customer screwed. Physically confronting them with the face of the screwed over customer is like sharing your name and favorite color with the bank robber. You have put a human face on their fuck up and they have no choice but to look you in the eye, say "I'm sorry for being a sorry incompetent ass", and here's your full order complete with napkins, straws, ketchup, and a printed out receipt.
It’s a small thing to ask for really. A separate queue for people ordering 2 or more happy meals.
[edit] How to terrorize McDonalds
Now, although McDonalds is famous for it's advertising and making the whole world think that the BigMac is the best thing to come along since sliced bread (buns?), each little restaurant is as amateur and simple as a new-found business. Not only are all the employees rather inexperienced at what they're supposed to do, but they will just lose all control when an emergency occurs...here we go!
First, get a few friends (four is good...I'll get to this later) and enter the McDonalds restaurant, talking loudly and reeking of some strange smell that automatically makes the old couple sitting by the door leave. If one of those pimply-faced goons is wiping the floor, then track some crap all over it (you could pretend to slip and break your head, but you might actually do so). Next, before you get the food, find a table. Start yelling and releasing some strange body odor so anybody would leave their table and walk out the door. Sit two friends there, and go up to the counter with another. Find a place where the line is short, or if the line is long say "I only want to buy a coke." Then you'll get moved up. Now, you get to do the ordering...heh heh heh. Somebody always must want a plain hamburger with absolutely nothing on it (this takes extra time to make, and drives the little hamburger-makers insane, and they're only small anyway)...order a nine-pack of chicken McNuggets...no, a twenty pack...no, three six-packs...wait...go back to the table and ask who wants what. Your other friend waits by the counter and makes a pass at the female clerk. Get back to the thing and order three 6-packs of chicken etc....now she says "What kind of sauce would you like?". Of course, say that you all want barbecue sauce one of your friends wants 2 (only if there are only 2 containers of barbecue sauce left). Then they hafta go into the storeroom and open up another box.
Finally, the drinks...somebody wants coke, somebody root beer, and somebody diet coke. After these are delivered, bring them back and say "I didn't order a diet coke! I ordered a sprite!" This gets them mad; better yet, turn down something terrible that nobody wants to drink, so they hafta throw the drink away; they can't sell it. After all the food(?) is handed to you, you must never have enough money to pay. The clerk will be so angry and confused that she'll let you get away with it (another influence on her is your friend asking her "If you let us go, I'll go out with you." and giving her a fake fone number). Now, back to your table. But first, somebody likes ketchup and mustard. And plenty (too much) of napkins. Oh, and somebody likes forks and knives, so always end up breaking the ones you pick outta the box. Have your friends yell out, Yay!!!!! We have munchies!!" As loud as they can. That'll worry the entire restaurant. Proceed to sit down.
So, you are sitting in the smoking section (by accident) eh? Well, while one of the tobacco-breathers isn't looking, put a sign from the other side of the room saying "Do not smoke here" and he'll hafta move...then he goes into the real non-smoking section, and gets yelled at. He then thinks that no smoking is allowed in the restaurant, so he eats outside (in the pouring rain) after your meal is finished (and quite a few splattered-opened ketchup packets are all over your table), try to leave. But oops! Somebody has to do his duty in the men's room. As he goes there, he sticks an uneaten hamburger (would you dare to eat one of their hamburgers?) inside the toilet, flushes it a while, until it runs all over the bathroom. Oops! Send a pimply-faced teenager to clean it up. (He won't know that brown thing is a hamburger, and he'll vomit. Yeuch.) As you leave the restaurant, looking back at your uncleaned table, somebody must remember that they left their chocolate shake there! The one that's almost full!!!! He takes it then says "This tastes like crap!", Then he takes off the lid and throws it into the garbage can...oops! He missed, and now the same poor soul who's cleaning up the bathroom now hasta clean up chocolate shake. Then leave the joint, reversing the "Yes, we're open" sign (as a reminder of your visit) There you have it! You have just put all of McDonalds into complete mayhem. And since there is no penalty for littering in a restaurant, bugging people in a public eatery (or throw-upery, in this case) you get off scot-free. Wasn't that fun?
Special Thanks / Plagiarism to The Anarchist Cookbook
[edit] Present-McDay
As of today, McDonald's is run by a vicious clown of a McMan whose name is McDonald Trump. He is the man that all new McRecruits must see, most commonly in another part of the world altogether in order to save himself from assassination attempts. If McDonald Trump is not impressed by the small hopeful McPerson, just looking to scrape up the most meager of a McSalary, he will give them a thumbs down, say "You're fried," and drop them into a vat of boiling McGrease, hidden beneath the floor. They later are melted into Secret Sauce. McDonald Trump has also petitioned the federal government to give McDonald's permission to breed robert birds, a dangerous animal, and succeeded. However, Mr. Trump accidentally mixed robert birds with chickens, causing a huge casualty of chickens. Now he has set up a new stock farm that is exclusively for keeping robert birds.
It is said that ex-Talk Show host and racist Don Imus works there, now, and sucks even at deep-frying the McPossum, then they add a little bit of semen...
In honor of his hard earned work in the fast food industry, George W. Bush signed a bill that put Ronald McDonald on the new one dollar bill after Islamic Terrorists started to die of heart attacks from all of the McDonald's restaurants stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan as being the only sources of food available in the desert wasteland that weren't blown up.
[edit] McPast
/Users/jonathanlaubekbeng/Desktop/Desktop Background.bmp Yes, McDonald's exsisted in the past, too. I know what you're saying - "but mcdonulds wasint in the past!!! it was in the 40s!!1". But you're wrong. Horribly wrong. So wrong, you should go to School AND Summer School. It seriously existed in the age of Bedrock. Back then, it was called "RocDonald's", and Ronald didn't exsist yet. (Thank God). That was the good thing. The Bad thing was this:
'They had to Chisel your order, and it would take an hour for the order.'
Now, you've seen the horror of RocDonald's. McDonald's is not as bad, except spilling a cup of coffee on your crotch. That's really the big shit about McDonald's Today.
[edit] McMeat
McDonalds uses Grade A+++ Anus Angus beef approved by the Department of Waste Management, a beef cow which is famous for being Angus, much like Paris Hilton is famous for being famous even though no one really knows why. It's most likely because of the cool sounding names. An angus beef cow has a certain angst about it so people assume it suffered its whole life before McDonald's brutally slaughtered it and made it into a Big Mac. Compared to the common corn fed cow, the Angst ridden cow has no equal in the souless meatgrinding industry.
McDonald's competitors use beef that has passed illegally through the border. That's right: fast food like Jack in the Box, Wendy's, and Arby's get their meat from the INS (or Homeland Security) who shuffle most of their captured through meat grinders. However, Arby's piles its sandwiches 3 inches high with raw, paper thin slices of Beef Anus (Angus knockoffs) disguised as roast beef sandwiches.
McDonald's, on the other hand, was forced to have all their cattle sign a release agreement to withhold any information of their lavish lifestyles to other relatives. The McDonald's cow enjoys a five star stay at any number of Hawaiian getaway resorts before injecting themselves with the odorless poison from 'The Princeless Bride' at any time they deem themselves ready to be 'Whopperified' The cattle, called 'McMeat' by only the most ignorant porn browsing losers, enjoy their life of secrecy at the hands of the largest producer of crappy cheeseburgers. Chicken Nuggets, however, share the same deal as Arby's roast beef sandwiches.
[edit] McWorkOuts
At McDonald's all employees are to be put in a vigorous physical with several McTests. The first McTest is a up this consites of a man or woman filling up on overdate patties (this is for they are remove all of their old stock) then taking a huge dump lifting them self off the ground. McTest McNumber McTwo, the sit and drive-thru, this is a test where the person who does this test siting eatting a dosen big-macs in a chair then you try to stand up, then run to the drive through without taking a shit followed by taking the order of the person at the drive-thru. And finally the super hard 1/4 pound lift, you must bench press a wopping 1/4 pounder. So working at McDonalds you must stay fit and remember, if you not lovin; it.... WE KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
ron mcdonald haveing sex with a white fat (with boobs) man?
if youve heard this it might be true because ron mcdonald was drunk in his own restraunt apparently he order too much root beer and ate a big mac, at 11 pm a fat man came in and was ordering some mc nuggetsthats wat caught mddonalds eye
[edit] McSee also
- Burger Index
- The Grease Hut
- Billions and billions
- Burger King
- Fast Food
- Poop
- Hardee's
- Hitlerburger
- ManDonald's
- Meat
- McDonald's characters
- McDonaldland
- McDonald's made me fat lawsuits
- Michael Moore
- Obese
- Ronald McDonald
- Hamburglar
- Ronald McReagan
- Soulja Boy
- UnBooks:To be a Fatty or Not to be a Fatty
- UnNews:Ronald McDonald arrested for selling dope to kids
- UnNews:Transfats found to be healthy
- Wendy's
[edit] External McLinks
| Products | Big Mac · Big N' Tasty/Big Tasty · Kiwiburger · Lean Beef Burger ·Quarter Pounder Chicken McNuggets · McChicken · McRib · McPork · Filet-O-Fish · Egg McMuffin · McGriddles · Happy Meal |
| ..and other items that don't fit into the other topics so they are placed here | Ronald McDonald · McDonalds |
