Albus Dumbledore

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This article is FAB-U-LOUS!

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Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that The kids in Narnia died in a train wreck in the first book, and Narnia is actually Heaven, which is destroyed in the last book, "Shell City" was a gift shop, Hellboy opens the door to Hell, Mister Glass was the mad bomber to begin with, Homestar Runner shot Caleb Rentpayer, Michael Newman wakes up in Bed, Bath and Beyond and discovers it was all a dream, Curly Brace gives you her air tank after the core room floods, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Gandalf.

“I think it's great that Dumbledore decided to come out. It shows that gay people can go as far as they want in life, even be a wizard headmaster!”

~ LGBT community on Dumbledore coming out

“Dumb old whore"”

~ Voldemort on Albus Dumbledore

“Professor Dumbledore...is that a wand in your pocket or do you just have a huge cock?"”

~ Ron Weasley on Dumbledore's suspicious looking bulge in his pants

“YEH..WILL..NOT..INSULT..ALBUS..DUMBLEDORE..IN..MY..PRESENCE..”

~ Hagrid on defending Dumbledore's REAL sexuality

Hmm. Must be too ghey for Oscar Wilde this time.

“No one is gayer...and more fabulous than I! Dumbledore...call me!"”

~ Oscar Wilde on nothing being gayer than him

The famous news article that reported this matter.

My dick is this big!

“I will write a book about his earlier life (I mean about his earlier sexuality)”

~ J. K. Rowling on Albus Dumbledore

Albus Dumb or Dork, you're never sure which one he would be today (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince) is a 15th century Gay Rights activist and famous porn star, later to be the second best known pedophile (after Michael Jackson) and simply fine ole bean.

[edit] Biography

Dumbledore once considered expelling Harry due to his poor fellatio

Dumbledore with Saruman, Gandalf and Harry Potter at the council of wizards...thats just what they want you to think...it's actually a scheme devised by Michael Jackson to get little children to think they can use magic. EVERYTHING THAT HARRY KNOWS IS A LIE!!!!!

Dumbledore happens to be gay....with Snape!!

Albus Percival Muhammad bin-Wulfric Brian Jebediah Obadiah Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da Obama Hussein Zachariah Wan Kenobi Jedediah MacZeppelin Dumb-bledore is, similarly to Ian McKellen, an ass pirate. Both are also daughters of Merlin. He has the ability to appear in human form as two similar-looking elderly British men, and his true form as an Old One has thus far remained hidden from the world. As well as this, he has, unfortunately, become a pseudonym for Gandalf. He is supposedly the most powerful wizard in the world. However, we all know this is Horny Punter who uses his libido to became an excellent back door burglar and BOOM! You have been spellanised!

The topic of this article has unfairly being taken advantage of by Mrs. J. K. Rowling and she has made copious quidage from his tales. However, critics argue, he takes advantage of pupils, Rowling takes advantage of him. According to the Idiotic school of thought, this is known as a vicious circle.

According to Un!News, Dumbledore has recently undergone a freak surgical accident with Lord Voldemort. They both Apparated at the same exact place at the same exact time, and a miraculous thing happened: both Dumbledore and Voldemort mixed together and created Dumblemort and Voldedore. Who is who, none can say, but be sure not to cross their way!

[edit] Hogwarts School

Dumbledore is in charge of the Hogwarts School of Craftmanship and Pottery. He received the job because the Ministry of LGBT magic passed the disability act of 1312 preventing schools from discriminating from the mentally handicapped. Due to this new bill the law stated that a mentally retarded person must be in charge of Hogwarts. Dumbledore, being the most insane and mentally unstable person they could find was put in charge of the school. Since he has but put in charge of the school he has been known to:

1. Release crazed monsters to consume all of the students

2. Completely forgive male students for disobeying his orders and putting the entire school in danger.

3. Allow his uncle to try to destroy students.

4. Hide numerous video cameras in boys bathrooms.

5. Make the plot really complicated, giving every book an extra hundred pages of riddles and explanations that always end in some really bogus virtue crud.

6. Remove his clothes at random moments as depicted at right.

• He was last spotted flying off the Astronomy Tower backwards.
• He was later found to be relaxing in a white tomb. (His uncle Voldemort broke into the tomb a few months after this.)

[edit] Dumbledore's Army

During his time at Hogwart's, one young student, Harry Potter, formed Dumbledore's Army to help fight Voldemort. The army was formed in secrecy.

The rules of Dumbledore's Army were as follows:

1. Don't talk about Dumbledore's Army.
2. Don't talk about Dumbledore's Army.
3. Read above.

[edit] Life of Crime

Novelty t-shirts do not tell lies. This truth has made several slow-paced readers cry.

There have been allegations of male child abuse regarding Harry Potter and the Seven Dwarfs. Dumbledore denied all the accusations, stating merely "Bah. Bloody humbug. I was just trying to show him a new technique with his wand,...gigidi gigidi goo!!!" (Un)Honourable Judge Ron the "Ginger" Weasley Granger had to agree with that logic, and Dumbledore walked out of the courtroom a free man. Fortunately, no one not imagined, and continued to make him out to be the sort who would steal your children for lewd acts. Also, in his defence, he interestingly used the phrase "Bah. Bloody humbug", the exact words that Harry Potter told the court he had said before receiving a bollocking for his "Hufflepuff" standard of fellatio.

[edit] Lifetime Achievements

Media:A Message from Albus Dumbledore.ogg

• Only known person to have a beard longer than Gandalf's (Sorry Fidel Castro)
• The person with the longest and blondest (so blonde it went white) hair (Sorry Lucius Malfoy)
• Invented magic with Einstein (Sorry Merlin)
• The most influential engineer of the atom bomb. (Sorry Einstein)
• Believed by many to be one of the true physicists behind the Theory of relativity (Sorry Doc)
• Being gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!(sorry ladies)
• Being the first fage(like a mage, only they wield fagic) to be a headmaster. And you know what I mean by headmaster (Sorry God)
• Being the first to wear the magic hat thingy (Sorry Mickey)
• Being the very first famous kiddy-fiddler (Sorry Michael Jackson)
• Spending the most time alone in a locked office with a teenage boy (once more, sorry Michael Jackson)

[edit] Past Duels

A list of people that he has dueled with and the outcome.

• Voldemort - Defeated him in an argument over whose wand was biggest.
• Jeffrey Dahmer - This was a close one. Dahmer had Dumbledore handcuffed to a bed and would have eaten him. Luckily, Dumbledore was able to get the handcuffs off with the Alohomora spell. He ran away from Dahmer's apartment, warning everyone to stay away from "that crazy guy with the heads in his fridge."
• Dick Cheney - Defeated him but suffered a shot in the face by the end.
• Ann Coulter - Lost to Coulter's ability to spew hate causing Dumbledore to experience a lack of confidence.
• Grindewald - Defeated him after a long talk about some hallows and huge innuendos, ie 'conjuring a white dildo and making Grinny come quietly'.
• Solid Snake - Sat on the cardboard box Snake was in and suffocated him in three minutes.
• Your Mum - 'Mum' cos' I'm english, live with it asshole.
• Michael Moore - Surrendered; Moore threatened to expose Dumbledore's past in a new documentary.
• Yoda - Confused by Yoda's ability to speak in riddles.
• Professor Snape - sent Gandalf packing by screaming the greatest spell of all times at the top of his lungs..."SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE!!!!" this lead to mass suicide of pre-teen Potter fanatics, which also greatly assisted in the Dark Lord's cause.
• His own sexuality - perhaps the hardest opponent Dumbledore ever faced was his sexuality. He battled it, but in vain, lost becoming a gay homo. He now lives out his life in the "closet" and invites every male student to come join him in the closet.
• Numerous young boys - They weren't really magical duels, more so "sword fights", if you catch my drift.

[edit] Execution

Dumbledore was recaptured again at the beginning of 2006 by local police forces and was sent to Sing Sing Prison. He stayed there for about a month, then on March 4 2006 he was executed at the Hannah Montana tour.

A scene from Albus Dumbledore's bedroom, which hinted as to his homosexuality.

[edit] Posthumous

On October 18th, 2007, noted Dumbledore historian J.K. Rowling announced that the late Mr. Dumbledore had lived his life as a predatory homosexual. (Which had abosuletly no bearing on the plot line.) A project is currently underway to restore the multitudes of deleted scenes filmed during his lifetime. These scenes were originally removed because Mr. Dumbledore wanted his sexuality a secret. He had asked the directors of all included films that these scenes be kept from the original theatrical releases.

Rumours were that Dumbledore was infact gay for Hans Moleman, however this theory was later debunked as "no one is gay for Moleman."

[edit] See also

• Gandalf
• Snape
• UnNews:Albus Dumbledore: out of the closet at last?
• Snape Shoots First