Mermaids
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Mermaids are a species of nymph kind of half-fish, half woman. They are commonly seen in the sea or, more and more frequently, in fresh water lakes. They are often blamed by inept sailors when they run their boats into rocks.
“Why isn't the fish half ever on top?”
~ Captain Ahab on Mermaid Wenches
Contents |
[edit] History
First off, Mermaids are horrible topics to write World Literature Paper 1 on. Also there is a new form of mermaid called ditch mermaids, they live in ditches. Mermaids were first discovered by Thom Yorke, the famous sailor, in 1985. He was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope, and saw what appeared to be "a wommyyn, of about a score of ayge, of most pleasing apeerynce with the tayl of a fysshe". Upon demanding a closer look, he sailed his ship, Sharon, nearer to the mermaid. On closer inspection, the mermaid was invisible, and had been for some time. Due to his lack of evidence, it has been alleged that Yorke was a "tosser" and a "charlatan".
Further mermaid sightings were seen in 1988 by Allan Ahlberg, and in 1991 by Colin Powell, but it wasn't until 1998 that photographic evidence was obtained and the world opened up to the reality that the seas really did contain mermaids, although even today that remains controversial.
Thom Yorke's son, Bjork came up with the word 'Mermaid', after his father told him the story the night he returned from his trip on the rough seas of the Caribbean.
He'd told him that she had been murdered, and she looked like their maid, Madison.
[edit] Biology
There are two types of mermaid - those with the top half of a fish and bottom half of a woman, and those with the bottom half of a fish and the top half of a woman. According to legend, the lady part is really really sexy, and the fish part is also alluring somehow. The latter type tends to live longer due to the former's liklihood of being eaten by sharks. Contrary to fiction, they can breathe in air. Yes, they can breathe in the air, but they cannot fart whenever, wherever they need to, namely in atmosphere. Most of the energy they consume is from the transformation of beans into fart, which they use to push them to swim in the ocean like rockets.
There is no such thing as a mer-man. There are both male and female mermaids, but they are superficially identical and hard to tell apart, especially the woman-top-half-fish-bottom-half kind, (likely TMI ahead,) as they have a cloaca instead of human genital and excretory channels. (end TMI) They have very diversified sexual orientations, including but not limited to bisexuality, homosexuality, self-sexuality, multisexuality and even heterosexuality, to the delight of sailors and other perverts.
[edit] Mermography
The majority of mermaids live in either Pacific Islands or CaribBEAN, namely Filipino Mermaids and Latino Mermaids. Both of them speak Spanish and eat burrito made of fish bones and beans.
There are about 300,000 filipino mermaids around the Empire of China. The friendly Chinese people call those filipino mermaids as "comrades" ["amigos" in Spanish] because they think the mermaids are soooooo gay. The Filipino mermaids are literally the slaves of the communist society of the Empire of China, and they have various responsibilities, but those very powerful ones can go to zoos and have farting performances in Chinese New Year because they are cheaper than the firecrackers.
More than 400,000,000,334 latino mermaids are immigrating from Latino Americano to the United States of America. Some of them became very popular, like Jennifero Lopezo, and Chrijandra Aguirero.
[edit] Mermaids in legend
According to legend, mermaids were so sexy that they could force a man to sail his boat into rocks, and stab himself in the face with his own leg bone. They have a hypnotic voice, like that of Whitney Houston, and this can cause distraction and irritation from a distance of 30 miles.
The king of the mermaids is called Jane, and he has a mighty staff which he causes storms with. He has taken a fish-wife.
[edit] Mythology, Math, and Women. Contemporary Global Folklore
From a particular point of view, fractal mermaids, as the artist “creates” them, are muses who “sing” to him to get him into “the zone” and give him inspiration. As the original image is re-created smaller and smaller on each level, it looses resolution (becomes pixelated) and as a result each “part” of the whole expresses a different and unique “feeling” that when put together as a complete Creature, adds to the mysterious and mystical aspect that is characteristic of this fantastic Beings.
The original expression sometimes changes into something funny, cute, dramatic, powerful or macabre.
The spectator too, focusing his attention on the detail of the artwork, will loose himself in the image, as if the Mermaid would be hypnotizing him/her.
Another important aspect of this “theme” or “style” is that it is contemporary, being done as we are living our lives, and might return us into the interest of what ancient mythology was all about. Exposing our human characteristics, inherent in everyone, and how they affect our lives, relationships, moods, etc. How we fall on traps or jump precipices. Like the stories about Narcissus, Oedipus, Sisifus, etc.
For example, in our contemporary digital world, with computers and the internet rapidly evolving, supposedly 60 something % of its use is for Erotica (some call it sex sites or porn. And well yeah, much of it is very… Primal) . A lot of sites refer to (certain. i consider all) Women as Goddesses. What if they really are Goddesses? What if that is what being a Goddess is all about.
Women have been gaining more and more rights in our society that were negated to them by men, for whatever the reason the system was designed like that. If they continue like that, what if they gain control of everything? They will be responible for all the desicions and we wouldnt have to worry about anything nomore. We would spend our life pondering about it, sharing anecdotes (from which the best ones will beome stories or tales [tails] for the kids) and designing tools and creating art. and doing all the Macho work to get our bodies toned without even noticing. And everything for them, which would get them very flattered.
That would be Paradise if you ask me.
Returning from the tangent, the author believes that the original models for the fractal mermaids should retain their identity, instead of becoming an abstract representation of an archetype: “the mermaid”. Why? Because we are sharing the same world, the same life. For time immemorable artists have paid tribute to the beauty of Women. Why limit ourselves into the original “idea” of what a Woman is, when we can pay tribute to This Woman, and this one, and this one… and as a return for the labour what do we get? Them. There.
Artists shouldn’t create for future museums or collections but for ourselves, now, to become then ourselves re-created by our creations. If we go to a museum to look at paintings, for example, on paintings about women, we are not told Who they are, its just a body, depicted in a Style.
[edit] Controversy
It is believed by many leading scientists that mermaids do not exist and are "biologically impossible". Some scientists, such as Jeremy Clarkson, believe that belief in the existence of mermaids is "a form of madness that only fire can cure."
Others believe that mermaids were really manatees, and the whole mermaid story was invented so sailors would have an excuse to have sex with sea creatures. Most leading sailorologists believe that this is unlikely; sailors don't need an excuse to bum fish.
[edit] Factoids
- It is believed that 17% of all fish fingers contain mermaids.
- Mermaids hate pasties.
- Mermaids managed to achieve 17 seats in Germany's 1906 General election
- All Danish women are mermaids
[edit] Famous Mermaids
- The one in the film Splash
- Ariel, The Little Mermaid
- Fishy McFish, the Fishlady.
- Merlin
- Katie Holmes
- Mr Spock "Mr. Male Mermaid 1987"
