Metal
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Metal is a generic term used to classify two very different things. Depending on the context or situation, metal can be either of the following:
Contents |
[edit] Metal (Mineral)
[edit] History
Metal was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster at the same time he created everything else: time, space, the world and Anime. It was first discovered by Winston Churchill when he returned from one of his numerous parties blind drunk and covered in Sludge, the raw form of metal, and fell into an open blast furnace. Upon being pulled out by his good friend Stanley Kubrick, Churchill discovered that the metal which had melted off him had been formed into a primitive soup ladle by the intense heat of the furnace. He subsequently used this discovery as a weapon with which he won World War II, the War of 1812 and Scrabble.
It was long believed that the word "Metal" was derived from the Greek word Metallon, however, recent evidence has shown that Kubrick actually had a unique speech impediment preventing him pronouncing the letter n, and he was attempting tell Churchill that he was "mental".
[edit] Periodic Table Position
Metal is class that is given to certain elements from the periodic table. These elements are, in their natural state, shiny solids good at conducting, heat, electricity and light operettas. More commonly known metals include iron maiden , zinc and golden arches.
[edit] Uses
[edit] Iron
Iron one of the simplest and hardest of all the metals. It can't do algebra and it can drink silver under the table.
It is used in:
[edit] Lead
Lead is soft and heavy (like your mom. It may cause death, although this is unconfirmed (but it doesn't do it as well as mercury). Warning: Lead produced in China has been known to contain traces of lead. It is used in:
[edit] Copper
Copper was originally taken into the group as the token black guy, but has had to survive on its own merits ever since it was pointed out that it was actually brown.
It is used in:
[edit] Beryllium
Beryllium is not considered tr00 metal and has struggled to establish itself within the metal realm... As it is the lightest of all the rigid metals it is not considered very 'heavy metal' and thus is shunned as 'inferior' by Iron enthusiasts and Steel elitists.
It is used in:
[edit] Any Other Metal
Any other metal (or AOM) is used solely in the production of 6000 Sided Dice and is therefore considered utterly useless by everyone else. AOM is currently in a downward spiral of alcoholism and Kitten Huffing due to the sever depression this opinion has caused. It is yet to be determined whether AOM can be used in socks.
[edit] Metal (Music)
Metal is a style of music characterized by an abundance of H-Waves, which release endorphins into the brain. These highly specialised waves are received through the hair folicles, which has led to excessive hair growth among metal music devotees in order to absorb as many of them as possible. So called headbanging has been invented by die-hard metal fans to increase the contact area of the hair. It was found that by standing still only 30% of the hair was actually reached by the H-waves, while headbanging increases that ratio to 70-80%.
It is that a taste for true metal shows strong correlation to viking genealogy. This is because of so much berzerking drugs taken by vikings building up in the ancestry. It is known by researchers that exposure to metal at a young age frequently produces children that will possess features similar to that of Metal gods like Odin and Optimus Prime
Note that in humans, the ability to transform is fatal.
It is called metal because of the large amounts of metal spikes and chains worn by the people who play it. Originally it was referred to as "spandex", but after winning the second world war Winston Churchill devoted his time and alchemical powers to making his favorite form of music less gay.
[edit] Measurement
Heavy Metal is measured in Burtons. on average, a metal song has 40 Burtons. while a band like Behemoth clocks in at 260 Burtons per song, Kenny G clocks in at 6 Burtons per song. Upon hearing this he asked "Why so low?" and Scientists claim: "It needs to be more Brutal." Bands such as Morbus Deus can have sections with only a few brutons, and 200+ bruton sections in the same song.
[edit] Classifications
[edit] Death metal
This genre was originally called 'deaf metal' because of its effects on the ears. it was invented by Neil Young and his close friends Lee Dorian and mike smith. Lee Dorian was the inventor of napalm, scum as well as Fear emptiness and despair. Lee Dorian was the first person to loose his hearing as a result of this new form of music as a result they called their trio 'napalm Deaf'. 'Napalm Deaf' then decided they were 'grindk0re'. This is the art of make music while grinding one's testicles on a meat cutter. Everyone thought this was better than Rick Astley.
As the genre's popularity grew so did the damage, before long everyone was listening to a new wave of death metal bands, like cannibal corpse and cattle decapitation who played primarily white noise. No one could tell that this wasn't as good as Neil Young's music because they were deaf.
[edit] Thrash metal
This genre music has been called by many names: Skate Metal (named as such because it is often listened to during pregnancy), Speed Metal (named because one of the first times such music was heard, James Hetfield was on LSD), Date Metal (this ones obvious dumbshit), etc.
Thrash Metal includes:
- Matching Head
- Metal licka
- Megadeaf
- Anttracks
- Five Finger Death Punch ...(I'm not fucking joking this time)
This genre is given the name thrash because its Chuck Norris' favorite, and he'll whoop ass to it.
[edit] Nu-metal
Sometimes called 'new wave metal' . This sub-genre developed from national music in the 17th century in Spain . The music is now measured even in KiloBrutt , MegaBrutt or , with the bands System of a Daddy , even in TerraBruttons . Nu-metal is often connected with bluetooth technology and potatoes . Nu-metal bands often try to be creative and interesting , by wearing strange black clothes , in which they look like squid-bats , or by wearing the classic Amazonian makeup made of Chinese filled rice . Linkin' Park are a nu metal band, but they can't add more Brutons to their song, because their mummies don't let them. Nu-metal was practically invented by Paris Hilton.
