Metalheads
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Metalheads are a genotype of human being that display heightened levels of aggression, exceptional constitution and a general affection for evil-sounding, vaguely otherworldly music. Known prey includes anyone that doesn't fucking listen to Slayer, cockbags, and pretty much anyone who gets on their nerves.
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[edit] Traits
There is not a single metalhead in existence that is precisely your size. This is fact. A metalhead that is not twice your size and strong enough to play chicken against your car is half your size and nerdy enough to fix your computer and be the front-man of an Indie rock band.
Metalheads tend to have long hair, and wear black stuff. 
[edit] Breeds of Metalhead
Poser kids, whiny brats who claim to be metal and list their favourite bands to be Trivium and Slipknot, They are the meatshield of the metalhead battleforce and play the biggest role in "operation: Get behind the noobies". Thrashers: Will kick your ass and chop up posers. The rarest and most metal of all metalheads, for they do not shed blood, but liquid mercury. Thrash metallers will reign supreme. The diet of thrash metalheads includes: Slayer, Testament, Exodus, KFC chicken, Megadeth Megadeth and more Megadeth. Old Skool: Will bite the heads off of bats.
[edit] Diet
Metalheads mostly feast on heavy metals and junk food. Their unique metabolisms seem to be able to process this food quite effectively. No-one knows why. I'm not sure anyone wants to know why.
Some experts believe that they eat emo kids as a secondary diet. There is currently little evidence to support this affirmation, mainly because that if a herd of Metalheads runs into an emo, it disappears in matter of milliseconds. This is probably thanks to a Motörhead (a rare Metalhead breed). Some anthropologists have been similarly devoured when coming between a Metalhead and chocolate, which appears to have a sedative effect on these strange beasts.
Whatever their diet, Metalheads have an unfortunate tendency towards gastrointestinal ailments, possibly caused by consuming too much rhodium and Progressive Metallium without the wood chips needed to balance it out. Those that play the four stringer were originally thought to be stupid and slow, but Cliff Burton and Alex Webster proved that you can be skilled and extreme while retaining exceptional levels of stupidity. So, those that play a four stringer are stupid and slow. Sorry. The keyboard playing variety are actually members of other subcultures who are attempting to infiltrate the Metalhead community in the hopes of getting laid. There is no evidence of this actually being successful. Except for that fucker in Angra.
Metalheads occasionally consume pizza and soda. Don't we fucking all. Metalheads rule whoo!
[edit] History
The earliest known Metalheads date back to Scandinavia during the 5th Century (The time Finntroll was founded) they were known as Vikings, until a large earthquake separated Britain from Scandinavia. Families were sepearated and some metalheads became depressed. They left the very awesome and testicle driven Scandinavia so they could go whine about their parents not loving them. Those ex-metalheads became Emos, and all metalheads were so embarrassed by their close bretheran that they would publicly abuse and torment them at any occasion.
During the Fourth Ice Age another group of Metalheads decided to go search for food. This group, led by the noble and courages Lemmy, crossed the Bering Strait in pursuit of antelope and loud music. This is where many historians agree that the tr00 metalheads of our day emerged as a separate entity from their Viking brothers. It was also during this period that the Metalheads adopted their uniforms of jean jackets, long hair, black shirts, and jean pants. These were all means to keep warm during the exceedingly cold period.
[edit] Metalheads in today's culture
Today, metalheads are characterised by a group of people who will kick your ass. They can be sighted at concerts wearing their jackets covered in band patches, taken from the medieval practice of bearing the coat of arms on a shield. For example, the House of Slayer has been beating the shit out of Cute is What We Aim For for quite some time. The mortal enemies of the Metalhead clans are great in number, including the Emo/Scene Clan and the Posers, as well as the Hardcore try hard clan, a wretched crew of flesh which crawls from deep, subterranean pools of custard. They pretty much hate anyone who's either an emo, Nazi, prep or the parents of such people, kind of like the Westboro Baptist Church but not as gay.
An everyday Metalhead's favorite hobbies include:
- Beating the shit out of preppy bitches
- More beating the shit out of preppy bitches
- Violently masturbating to ESP catalogues.
- Setting stuff on fire
- Writing with a coherent sense of grammar and not fucking with basically okay articles on Uncyclopedia
- Seriously, the last fucker who edited this. Goddamn.
- Being brutal
- Moshing
- Venting their anger against those horrible "normal people" at their school via Myspace or 4chan.
- Killing bunnies/emos/Nazis and giving their souls to Satan (or whichever power they worship)
- FUCKEN SLAYER! Need I say more?
- Walk around looking at everyone's iPod and criticising anyone who has any music besides metal.
- Ridicule an emo kid's "girly" hair.
- Violently masturbate some more.
- Eating Chavs.
- Being 14 years old
- Being 42 years old
- Being better than you.
- Raping your girlfriend.
- Torture emo kids, Nazis and preps with their favorite S&M gear.
- Scaring the shit out of their parents.
- Taking care of their pet dragon.
- Showing hardcore kids real mosh wounds.
