Mexico
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: "Send them to America..." | |||||
| Anthem: "José, Can you See?" | |||||
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| Capital | Mexico City | ||||
| Largest city | Los Angeles | ||||
| Official languages | Mexican | ||||
| Government | Democracy | ||||
| -President | Pedro | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Speedy Gonzales, Subcomandante Marcos, Zorro, Pancho Villa, Jack The Ripper and pretty much anyone who makes it across the border without getting caught | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | May 5th, 1821 from Spain | ||||
| Currency | Pesos | ||||
| Religion | Catholicism | ||||
| Major exports | Mexicans,Lead Poisoning | ||||
| Opening hours | No Habla Engles | ||||
| UNAMERICAN |
| This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica. |
“Ah, Mexico. God's Blind Spot.â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Mexico
The Estados Unidos Mexicanos, more commonly known to non Mexican speakers as Mexico, is a nation located beneath the evil United States of America.
Commonly known for being that rampant world of corruption and drunkeness, laziness and unending fiestas, Mexico is the leading provider of cheap human labor and extremely attractive porn stars. Mexico struggles to find its role in a new and strange globalised economy, where selling tequila to under age gringos who hop over the border just doesn't make the ends meet any more.
Contents |
History
Mexico was discovered for the very first time by the Viking Maciek in the 15th Century, but he needed to leave in order to go to the final concert of Metallurgica. Then, the Spanish rediscovered it when they found a highly advanced society of humans who had merely stumbled upon the land accidentally. As such, they executed, enslaved, and poisoned them until they managed to take over.
Soon, Mexican culture began to form out of a mix of the Spanish and the natives, by taking the very worst of both worlds and putting them together into an incoherent society. From Spain, they took Bull running, in which Bulls are angered and then forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling. The Day of the Dead was also taken from Spain, where the dead are dug up and forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling.
From the Maya, a tendency to leave one's country was inherited and is still seen to this day. From the Aztec, a unique tradition of violence was kept in the form of pointless coups, civil wars, military junta's and hostile takeovers that would plague the country for much of its history.
Independence
On May 5th, 1810, Mexico declared itself independent from the Spanish empire. Spain quickly retaliated, by sinking the Mayo, Mexico's only ship. This day is commemorated as 'sink'o de Mayo' day.
In Monterrey, the 'Taco Bell' was first raised into the bell tower at Taco Hall to mark Mexico's independence. The clearly visible crack in the bell is a result cheap Mexican labor. Due to this, the bell inspires pride and patriotism throughout Mexico to this day.
Turbulent Times
In the 1960's, a rise in crime began. Speedy Gonzales, a famous mexican criminal, stole approximately 6 Pesos, or 50 million 2009 Dollars, from Mexican banks in Monterrey, Cancun, and Toluca. Unsuccessful and often humorous attempts were led by President Sylvester "The Cat" Stallone to capture Speedy, all resulting in failure.
In 1972, a massive grass roots campaign was led to elect Pedro as the write in candidate. Pedro was entirely unknown, but nonetheless won the election. Quickly he captured Speedy Gonzales, and ushered in the modern era of Mexico.
Pedro's Mexico
After the popular capture of the criminal Speedy Gonzales, Mexico fell into a dark phase where corruption and narcotraffic reigned. Pedro's weak rule allowed for the country to fall into further decadence.
However, where the government failed, the citizenry excelled. Two Mexican patriots, El Mariachi and El Chapulin Colorado (The Red Grasshopper) became vigilantes. They constantly made battle against Mexican drug lords, and the crime network of El Santo. Between 1975 and 1980, this duo managed to lower crime throughout Mexico.
This movement came to an upbrupt end in 1980, when El Santo passed away and was succeeded by Antonio Banderas. Banderas eliminated the vigilantes within months.
Pedro continued to do nothing as President, until in the 1990's he co-founded NAFTA.
“It isn't that we don't have jobs in our beloved nation, it's our job to be here!â€
~ Encover Agent Juan on NAFTA
Economy
“In Soviet Russia, FOBAPROA pays YOU!!â€
~ Russian Reversal on the Mexican economy
A place of exotic mystery and weird hats, the Mexican economy is amazing. The country has been systematically pillaged and plundered for 70+ years and counting, and still provides for us all! The Mexican economy generates yearly more than 70,000 kazillion dollars, of which 99% is devoted to paying the politician's salaries, 0.1% is devoted to paying the politicians' assistants salaries, 0.89% goes to the ex-presidents' pensions and 0.01% is spread amongst the needy population. Milton Friedman repeatedly expressed his bemusement at the Mexican economy's functionality and dynamic pace, claiming that he'd "...never seen something that's as fucked up as that and still works with a certain degree of normality!!.
Exports
Mexico is famous for its exports. the most famous of which are:
- Teh Mexican wave!!!
- Cocaina & Mota
- Hot Chile
- Something that Lou Dobbs can rant about every fricking day
- Mexicans
- Brainworms
- Recently, oscar-nominated movies
- Fine Asses
- Latinas
- Salsa (both the music and the food)
- Tequila
- Tequila worms
- Tequila hangovers
- Tequila mockingbirds
- Corn
- Football...er...I mean, soccer.
- Freakin' insane TV shows
- More Mexicans
- Marijuana smuggled from Colombia
- Flour tortillas
- Cheap Lead Poisoning Candy
- Soap operas
- Even More Mexicans
- Color TV (seriously, this is true!!)
- Cheap Labor
- Texas, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah and a bit of Oklahoma, Kansas and Wyoming (This is true since all of these states where once Mexican soil, and apparently still are thanks to the above mentioned export(s))
- 75% of the actresses in porn.
Mexico gains greatly from all this exports, providing wealth and comfort for the political class that exactly like America, is exceedingly good at doing their job: Conning the people into paying them excessively high salaries.
Imports
Mexico, though hard to believe, also imports several important things. It is argued that the most important of these is dictionaries and playboy magazines. A list of successful Mexican imports
- Chinese sweatshop workers who can't read english and end up in Mexico
- Sand (for deserts)
- Breast implants (for women)
- Elves from Santa's workshop
- Cheap chinese goods they pass off as their own
- Spanish "culture"
- Pseudo-smart people to run the government
- Debt (this is disputed to not be an import since it is electronic, and there is no electricity in 99% of Mexico.
Culture
The Mexican society has risen to topple tyrannical regimes before, but ever since has been in a state of slumber, patiently bearing unnecessary burdens placed upon the Mexican people by the politicians. To help cope with the stress inherent to such a task, Mexicans employ a variety of things:
- Football (the REAL ONE, not the one american pansies play with helmets and protection)
- Beer
- Telenovelas
- Football
- Beer
- Ninel Conde [1]
- Football
- Tequila
- Beer
- TV
- You
All of this serves as a steam exhaust pipe for social frustration, channeling it through the right paths - the paths of "I don't give a fuck, I'm too lazy/tired/ignorant to do anything about this country being messed up".
Sports
Mexico is notable for lacking any major sports teams, and its frequent absence from the Olympics. This is because anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.
Language
People in Mexico speak a language called Mexican. It is rumored to in fact be a plagiarized version of Spanish, however these claims are unfounded. About 0.001% of Mezicans still speak Aztec, but because Mexico is so proud of it's native heritage these people are brutally suppressed whenever possible.
Useful phrases and their Translations
- ¡Este pinche gringo es gordo como una ballena! - Here´s the bill Sr.
- Ya eres un maldito gringo no? Ya te dieron la grin carr no??? - I'm glad you are in the USA.
- ¡Devuélveme mi cartera, cabrón! - (Gimme back my wallet asshole!) Useful for when you're drunk at a mexican beach.
- Ahorita (lo hago) - (I will do it) 3 months from now.
- Mi casa es tu casa. - Please ransack my house.
- Mañana te pago - You'll never see your money again!
- Esto es un Complo - AMLO Favorite!
- La última y nos vamos - Sarcastic way of saying that we will, in fact, keep drinking all night.
- Yo no fui/Yo no sé - A very good possibility that in fact, he/she did DO IT or knows who did.
- Güey - A superfluous sentence ender, akin to the Canadian "eh?"
- Madonna - McDonalds
- ¡Chinga tu pinche madre, cabron hijo de puta! - Hello, how are you?
- No me importa - Of course your opinions are important.
- Gringos de mierda como no se mueren hijos de puta!!- i'm gringo
Geography
Mexico is a vast triangular wasteland, surrounded on both sides with shark infested tropical water. As such, it is highly susceptible to Hurricanes, flooding, and sporadic outbreaks of amoebic dysentery. It is bordered by the United States to the north, and Guatemala and Belize to the south. Mexico is about one fourth the size of United States, and roughly one eighth as good.
Major cities
- Mexico City
- Guadalajara
- Monterrey
- Los Angeles
- San Diego
Notable Mexicans
- Guadalupe Victoria: The first president. Not to be blamed for the mess Mexico currently is.*
- Did you know that 70% of the mexican presidents shoppped at Victorias Secret...for themselves.
- Antonio López de Santa Anna: First president mexicans blame for the mess. Lost almost half of the country, and sold it to the United States for 3 magical beans, $20, 2 bags of chili, a captured chupacabra, 50 kegs of beer, and 6 pigs.
- Maribel Guardia: First and only immigrant woman that got elected because of her cleavage and mediocre acting in nonsense-related Telenovelas.
- Benito Juárez GarcÃa: A guy that is remembered as a national hero, fought for the separation between
evilchurch and state. - Porfirio DÃaz: Invented relection. A new number in mathematics had to be invented to count the number of times he got elected and governed.
- José López Portillo y Pacheco: He managed what no other mexican president could do - skyrocket inflation to an astounding 10,000,984,902% in his six years of service.
- Carlos Salinas de Gortari: Current president of Mexico in countless ways. He started allright and then stole some 300 millions and stashed them in Switzerland. Little mistake.
- Manuel Labor: Embodied the spirit of Mexico and its people like no other president. Mexican voters related to him in an unprecedented manner.
- Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de León: If you're a PRI follower, he's the bastard who handed in power to the opposition. If you're anybody else, he's the bastard who handed in power to incompetent fools and religious zealots.
- Vicente Fox: Father of Michael J. Fox and author of the book "How to erase the dividing line between Church and State" in a co-authorship with Pat Robertson. First mentally challenged person to be elected for office.
- Felipe Calderón del Sagrado Corazón de Jesus y la VÃrgen MarÃa de todos los Santos y beatos de la santÃsima Iglesia Católica que Dios la tenga en Su Gloria Hinojosa: A democratically elected idiot. Much like Vicente Fox v2.0 but half the height and not a cowboy.
- Andrés Manuel López Obrador: Legitimate (Self-proclaimed) president. Doesn't hold a popularly elected seat, can't run for office in the time being, doesn't really exert a real influence over the majority of the decisions taken. His picture is next to the definition of the word "stubborn" in the spanish dictionary of the Real Academia de la Lengua Española. Just can't get over it.
- Panchito Pistoles, Mexican Rooster who starred in Walt Disney's "The Three Caballeros" featuring Donald Duck. He also was a profesional wrestler after the film's release since Disney didn't care about Mexicans. He last appeared in public in 1968 after a controversey with Tommie Smith and John Carlos at the Summer Olympics.
 Felipe telling us that everything will be JUST FINE! |
 The glorious furher errr....um presedente meets with his generals to disscuss the best way to subjecate those who are proud of there heritage. |
 Felipe tells us how much the economy will grow under his presidency! |
Felipe tells us about the size of his penis! |
![[1]](http://www.milatino.com/Pictures/Event%2065/Ninel%20conde3.JPG){kind=link}