California

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WARNING! This article contains substances that are acknowledged by the state of California as vaguely possibly being slightly carcinogenic

“It's got a C in it”

~ Captain Obvious on California

“Many have ventured to the west, many came back gay. God Bless.”

~ Oscar Wilde on California

“Oh, it's just so yesterday”

~ You on California

“I'm California”

~ California on Batman

California (prounounced Kuhl-ee-Forn-y-yah! by septuagenarian Austrian governators and "Cal-ee-forn-I-yay" by natives), full name :Bundesrepublik Kaliforniens (BK) is a large island located off the Western United States of America. Its official state song is California Love by Tupac Shakur (ratified in 1999, replacing the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Californication). The official nickname is "The Center for retard attention whores, modern crap, and everything stupid and gay." They have yet to decide which universe they are the center of.

California is a Communist dictatorship run by the Governator. The dictatorship is savagely ruled by an Austrian muscle doughboy, who has harsh blood tax and has decided to make Saturday an extra mud harvest day- most of the movies from Hollywood they find in amongst the crap (pardon my French) from the 1970's. John Connor is dead and the state is currently populated by an evil legion of liberal gay liquid metal robots with glowing red eyes who eat the flesh of Christian babies. Stirring into the the mix of chaos, the state is frequented with many natural disasters such as earthquakes, wildfires, floods, mudslides, rainbows, freeways, killer bees, rising sea levels, smack, crack, paparazzi, Paris Hilton's hungry man-eating holes, and disgruntled drug induced ex-movie producers armed with tanks. If you ever find yourself in California the best thing to do is pray to God and run like hell.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Early History 1.2 Gold Rush 1.3 Soviet Era 2 Inhabitants 2.1 Californians 2.2 Silicon Valleyites 2.3 Immigrants 3 Language 4 Culture 4.1 Hollywood 5 Government 6 Pronunciation 7 The Stealing of Cheese 8 Etymology 9 Future 10 Principal Exports 11 Notable Cities 12 Other places to see 13 Counties of California 14 Noteable Californians 15 See also

[edit] History

[edit] Early History

Many myths surround the early history of California. It is known that the territory was first occupied by Native Americans, who called it simply New Finland. The natives had a queen, named Califia. This queen sat around in a palace and did nothing all day, while the natives argued and whined with one another. Nonetheless, the queen decreed the land be renamed after her, and thus it became Califialand. When a roving band of seafaring lesbians discovered it in 1842, they were horrified to see the exposed ankles and necks of the natives (but delighted to see the exposed boobs), and thus renamed the land Californication. But they stayed to lech at the naughty ankles and necks. California was also one of the last of the ten plagues of Egypt, in which a piece of land the size and shape of the state fell on the Egyptians in China and destroyed all of their sources of things necessary for life. After the other nine horrific plagues, the Egyptians gave in and allowed Moses and his homies to go back to their Yo-yo shop in England .

When Spanish missionaries arrived in 1847 they quickly started a "conversion" program for the natives. Within two years the program was successful, and all but a handful of the natives had been converted to fertilizer. The pilgrims didn't fare too well during this purge either. But by the end of it the land was mostly "clean", and so some of the fornication was removed from the name. Thus it became "California".

The seafaring lesbians didn't fair well (they were persecuted for years with punishment of forced public sex). As the years passed on by they lost connection with their way of life and their territories from imperialism. Society wasn't acceptable in the beginning. The ruling Bible-humpers believed gays were evil sinners who slap the Good Lord across the face, but lesbian sex is kinda hot. Through generations they assimilated into society with Californians. The few who refused assimilation were relocated onto tribal lands northwest of the historical famous prison Los Angeles, and called it Van Nuys in honor of the Ancient Roman tribbing position, vagina nuysdomitiumcivitatis. Unlike other California tribes, instead of building casinos with cards and slots, they bourned the adult film industry with cameras and sluts. Among many fashion designs that also saw its creation in this place is the patenting of of re-invented dildos, specializing mostly in the double-ended, the anal, and the super-large anal dildos.

[edit] Gold Rush

This was apparently a rush for gold in the year 49. It must not be confused with Rush Limbaugh, where gold was unearthed from his mighty crevices a few years later. Gold however quickly ran out soon so the miners then turned to a mass production of natives into fertilizer, and the agriculture industry thrives to this day (indeed, Soylent Green is a staple crop). Even though all the gold is already out, there are still tons of gold diggers today. In fact, reminding gold-diggers that the gold is out is a capital offense that would be punished personally by the Terminator.

[edit] Soviet Era

From 1945 until 1989 California, known then as the California Republic, was a member of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics for the Soviet war machine. After the fall of the Soviet Union, California applied for stardom in the United States. Its application was rejected by Congress, but the rejection was overturned by the Ninth Court of Appeals and California subsequently got a star in the Union.

[edit] Inhabitants

California happens to be filled with the hollow shells of what were formerly people, as opposed to Nebraska which is full of nothing (which is better), the Southern United States which is full of retards, and France which is full of shit. California is largely composed of three ethnic and cultural groups.

[edit] Californians

Many believe that, like, all people in California have bleached blond hair, and like say 'dude' in every sentence, and surf to school or work, but this is completely erroneous. Most of them have naturally blonde pubic hair (I totally checked), green eyes, and only the 90% who live near a beach can surf anywhere but the internetz, only 98% made of silicone. Californians typically have trouble understanding why anyone would want to live somewhere else. (Such as poor Travis Herweck, who unfortunately at the age of 7 was forced to move to Kentucky where he still remains, in agonizing pain and horrible sadness today. It is rumored that at the age of 18 he will travel back to California, in hopes to live a successful life among his fellow Southlanders.) Southlanders believe northerners are not real Californicators because they have good wits and not good tits.

[edit] Silicon Valleyites

Though often thought to be 'geeks' or 'fags', this is entirely inaccurate as well. Inhabitants of the Silicon Valley have actually found to be, according to all the most recent studies, nerds. Rich nerds, with 72% of them being homosexual, to be exact.

The average inhabitant of Silicon Valley would be labeled as "The Jonathan", a nerdy teenager with a strangely over-developed wrist (due to questionable activities), advanced pixel art skills, glasses, an obsession with online debate, and the lack of a 'RL' girlfriend. Fear their chess abilities; they will either beat the living shit out of you after winning, or destroy the chess board in a fitful rage after winning. More likely the latter.

Though you may be tempted to: beat them up, give them a wedgie, rape them anally, or even call them 'four eyes', it would not be wise. Treat them as well as you can, they will probably be your boss one day.

[edit] Immigrants

California is often said to be nothing more than an placental extension to Mexico and Ohio, full of Mexican immigrants, by right-wingers. This is entirely true. To be factual, California consists of around 77% Mexican immigrants, and another 7% of South American descent. Immigrants are rarely seen in Hollywood movies set in California, however this is not because of Hollywood being full of racist personnel, but because immigrants enjoy spending most of their time in jail, or "la casa." Homosexual immigrants can be seen in San Fransisco's famous gay street Castro St., or they can also be seen in school.

Immigrants are an amazing people with a fascinating culture, consisting of: carjacking, over-eating, alcohol, burritos, pissing off white people with their crazy accents, weed, making hella sweet cars, and being lazy. Though the Mexican population is often considered to be nonthreatening (like a benign tumor) outside of car jacking and various other crimes, they are indeed responsible for one of the greatest threats to the world today: La Chupacabra (aka Rosie O'Donnell, mostly known as La Chupadonnell. With the rising tide of bullshit coming from Hollywood, La Chupadonnell and great enemy Donald Trump, devour of Toupes and Worlds began the great California Civil War, resulting in the complete annihilation of Los Angeles (Los Angeles is a trademark of Trump Industries. "Trump Industries: We eat Children!"). After the war resulted in the death of La Chupadonnell, Donald Trumps Toupe became all powerful lord of the universe, sharing his throne with Xenu.

Most Californians wish they were "ghetto" like they are, or they wish they could be like their idols. by the way, Caboose h8s California.

[edit] Language

Californians speak a bizarre dialect of English which has mutated through the use of random words such as "hella". This is likely due to them being high and utterly incomprehensible 99% of the time. Southern Californians also have an incomprehensible fetish wherein the use of the grammatical article is mandatory when referring to highways (i.e. "The Five" rather than just "Five" or "Route Five" as the rest of the world would say). They also don't use the word highway, its freeway moron! It is believed this mutation of English is due to widespread brain damage from the smog that perpetually shrouds Los Angeles. It has also been found that the smog may have contributed to California's second language, Spanglish which is when someone is confused about whether they are speaking English or Spanish.

[edit] Culture

boring. consists of many mexicans imported from mexico.

[edit] Hollywood

Can also be spelled as Holy-Wood (Mansonites use that name as preference) was said to once to be the home of actors and actresses of great talent. Sadly it was destroyed in the Second Great Monkey War and all inhabitants were eaten by grunge fans after the death of Kurt Cobain. Industrial fans are also said to be involved. It was rebuilt in the late 90's by hip-hop superstars and their addiction to image, drugs, bling, etc. Many mechanical animals are said to roam and be seen around here.

Recently, shows like The OC and Laguna Beach have been attempted, but unable, to depict life in California in a positive light.

[edit] Government

California was rediscovered in 1882 by a pair of seafaring lesbians looking for whales exploring the Pacific coastline. They settled near what is now San Francisco, and Michelle began writing the state's first screenplay, which later became the state's constitution. It is not clear how they reproduced so fast (or at all, being lesbians, but double ended dildos filled with semen might explain it), but the population quickly swelled to around 211,000 inhabitants. It's believed that the massive numbers of Hollywood skanks, Playboy sluts, and teenage whores have all contributed to a stunning breast growth.

In 1884, Californians held their first erections, and overwhelmingly elected Jimmy Buffet as Supreme Leader. This was not entirely unexpected, but surprised residents of many other states. Pubic opinion turned against Buffet in 1891, in the wake of the Great Pussyquake, but soon recovered as he abolished vanilla sex and installed jack off parlors. He then left the morons and went back to the South where the people prosper and Florida exists.

In 1970, the California government decided to stop doing everything, because they were couldn't make up their mind. They stopped building highways, they "talked" about mass transit but didn't. Soon the whole state fell into disrepair. Houses became too expensive as nobody wanted to commute. Since cars here don't move (they form vast urban mobile home parks called freeways), they are becoming more and more like homes... some 89% of Californians now report their car as their primary residence.

Capital: absolutely necessary to open a porn photography studio in Semen Oaks (near LA).

State Motto: "land of dirty people and polluted air"

State Flower: The Poppy (really!)

State Nemesis: Texas. Sorry Silicone Valerie, Bush now gets all the action from Holi Woody.

State car: '64 Impala (lowrider for the beaners)

State Stalin: Arnold

State stationery: Envelope

State river: "Sacred Men Hoe"

State song: "California Love" by 2Pac

State furniture: IKEA "AMSLUT" table (alternatively spelled ANSLUT, spelling changed for California model only)

State tire: Hoosier Daddy

State supplement: SmartBurn with Hoodia

State word: Floccinaucinihilipilification

State state: California

State mousepad: Britney Spears Shaved Head Mousepad

State instrument: Skin Flute

State food: cow from scotland

State beverage: Beer from Austria

State road: Freeway 69 (gay)

State animal: Angry Dragon (bonk!)

State anime: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

State person who beats the shit outta people: Mr. T

State tree: The Giant California Redbud

State flavor: Mango Rosehips Cappucino

State question: How the hell did Sacramento become the capitol? We've got San Francisco and Los Angeles, but Sacrafukkinmento gets chosen? What, did Turlock say 'no'?

[edit] Pronunciation

Although mispronounced by the Anglo invaders for centuries, the correct pronunciation of the word was only learned by most honkies when Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor, or Governator as some called it. AHHH-nald taught the honkies the correct pronunciation: KAH-lee-fo-nee-ah, which he learned to say when grabbing girls asses. Many East Bay Area (alternatively spelled SF Gay Area) rappers pronounce it as Cali-four-nye-yay, though most don't know much English.

[edit] The Stealing of Cheese

California is known to have a cheese industry full of bastards and physically retarded cows. They decided one day that they will become the new Wisconsin by becoming The Dairy State, even after Wisconsin had held the title for years. They made this obvious when there was a commercial featuring a group of cows, supposedly in Wisconsin (if Wisconsin looked like a freezer covered in skeet) with Wisconsinite accents. They stole the title temporarily and made moronic commercials with cows that enjoy earthquakes. But recently all of the cows starring in the commercials have been assassinated by a man in a "Celebrity Deathmatch" t-shirt, and a Nixon mask. California, now without advertising, has lost the title of The Cheese State, because no little kids who enjoy talking cows are badgering their mothers to buy California cheese, and California wants it back. A fight to the death will be held on February 22nd 2010, but the favorite (California) is likely to win, because of Oakland, which functions as a fist, and can hold foreign objects, because the match will be no holds barred.

[edit] Etymology

The name "California" which used to be called 'Tierra de California', originates from two different languages, Spanish and English (originating from Atlantis). The Spanish portion, "Cali", is from the Spanish word "caliente", meaning "hot". The English portion, "forni", is from the English word "fornication", meaning "sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other". Thus, "California" means "the Land of Hot Sex". It is also spelled as Killafornia by Bay Area gang members. Can also be called Killakali. Unhappy residents have been known to call it "The People's Republic of Kalifornia".

[edit] Future

In 2010 California declared independence for what had to be the fifth or sixth time. This time it was a pseudo-democracy partly controlled by the Japanese. There was some small resistance from America, but they crushed the Imperialeest Fecsist Besterds with their armies of Laser Bears. Afterward, California was overthrown (again) by neoanarchists who strictly enforced their beliefs of anarchy. Anyone who didn't do whatever they wanted was executed by drowning in Nacho Cheese (lethal quesoasphyxiation). [The Flag of the California Free State, depicting the almighty Laserbear]

[edit] Principal Exports

• Marijuana: California produces 99% of the bestest weed in the United States. But it's medicinal (I swear).
• Porn: California produces 99.976% of the worlds gay porn and all of the straight porn. However California is the worst place in the world to get laid. All the hot chicks are doing porn. It the goldenest gold digger state in the union. They make about $400K a year are heavily in debt and always broke. They are the biggest recipients in California state welfare programs. By these time these chicks hit 30 they have over 8 million miles on the odometer and look like old blown out tires. No guy dead or alive wants them. Most guys in California go overseas to get laid. The rest of the world buys our porn and they get laid too. California's a fucked up weird place.
• Californians: The world has an insatiable demand for Californians, which are only produced in California. Perennially large importers of Californians include Oregon and Washington, and increasingly the metro-areas of Texas. Nevada has rented Californians en masse for the weekend for decades. In fact consumption in these regions is so large that many other regions, such as Cuba, North Korea, and Canada rarely are able to import as many Californians as they should be able to.
• Soylent Green: Made out of fresh California natives, occasionally those that were turned into fertilizer.
• Vegetables: Much of California's vegetable produce is grown by inmates at the California State prison, 26.4% of the state male population. The prisoners reportedly consume much of the produce, but are relatively happy to part with it when attacked with shotguns.
• Fruits: Aside from silicon chip thingys that go in computers that nobody cares about, California's main export are Apples, oranges, and other fruits. Apple Computers is located in Silicon Valley, though most of the iFruits are sent over seas for assembly. Orange County has nothing to do with the fruit, many of the fruits are grown just outside "the OC" which brings us to California's main export: Fruit Loops, they come in various flavors such as "Tom Cruise," and "Leonardo DeCaprio."
• Bros: California is notorious for exporting "bros". Bros are usually people between the age of 18-23 who wear backward hats, sunglasses all the time, own a GameCube, a black dildo, are named Ivan Krasnov, Chad, Tad, Brad, or Barry. Typical bro phrases include, "Dude!", "You want to listen to Jack Johnson?", "Want to play GameCube?". Some cities have set import quotas on bros, such as New Jersey, due to the mass amounts of bro volume.

[edit] Notable Cities

• Los Angeles
• Oakland
• San Diego
• Fresno
• Sacramento
• San Jose (I know my way there, its near Costa Rica)
• San Francisco
• Bakersfield
• Bollywood
• Logan Hieghts

[edit] Other places to see

• Mount Rushmore
• Statue of Liberty
• Eiffel Tower
• Louvre
• Dachau
• ...None of these places are physically located in California. But they're still nice!

[edit] Counties of California

California consisted of 58 counties, but since 2006, California took over 3 overseas territories of the United Spades of America, Israel (also known as Is Real), iRaq, and Puerto Rico, to have 61 counties.

[edit] Noteable Californians

• 1. Arnold Schwartzengerman
• 2. Keanu Reeves
• 3. crazy directors otherwise known as George Lucas
• 4. Alex Bacon yes his last name is actually Bacon
• 5. Christian Angulo known as the Mexican, or the guy with the gorgeous crotch
• 6. Bill S. Preston Esquire
• 7. Ted "Theodore" Logan
• 8 Patrick Sarsfield
• 9 Mexicans

[edit] See also

• Hollywood
• Hippies
• The Humungus For Governor, Lord Humungus challenges Arnold Schwarzenegger for Governor of California
• Psychedelic cab
• Great Pacific Bridge (This bridge links California to Hawai'i
• Bored in California What not to do when visiting California

States in the West

Arizona - Alaska - California - Colorado - Hawaii - Idaho - Montana - Nevada - New Mexico - Oregon - Utah - Wyoming - Washington