Miami
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“Anyone around here speak any English?”
~ Some random tourist lost in Calle Ocho on Miami
“It has become a third world country”
~ Some Colorado loser on Miami
Miami is a major city in Northern Cuba, in the US of A. It is known for it's crack dealers, crack, crack users, crack whores, and heroin. It is also known for it's filthy sluts and whores, that populate much of the city's nightclub houses.
The city seems to enjoy lots of Hurricanes. Like, the people there actually seem to enjoy them. In 2004, Miami was not attacked by a single hurricane. Four hurricanes hit the state of Florida that year, but residents of Miami could only sit petulantly as the panhandle got a hurricane, the Tampa Bay area got a hurricane, and the Palm Beach area got two hurricanes. Justifiably, the folks at Miami were right pissed off at God.
Miami is also home to such teams as the Only Wins Against Baltimores (NFL), the Wins The World Series and then Sells Their Good Players (Baseball), and the Pat Rileys (NBA).
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[edit] History
[edit] The Golden Years
Miami was created by Humphrey Bogart in the 1920's. Prior to this, the general area was known as "that swamp we dredge to make more farmland." Bogart tricked America into thinking that Miami was a nice place to go for vacations. This image lasted until 1947, when a giant category 5 hurricane came in and killed everyone, teaching them a valuable lesson: "name your college football team the 'Hurricanes.'" In the intervening years between Miami's destruction and rebirth, a new city would be formed just North of Miami, which was named after this hurricane: Ft. Lauderdale.
[edit] The Gold Paint And Plastic Years
Miami was re-built in 1984, following the simultaneous realization of hundreds of thousands of baby-boomers that "cold weather sucks". Re-founded by Antonio Montana, the new Miami since it's birth has been a thriving city for cocaine, heroin, Cubans and Puerto Ricans, topless bitches at nightclubs, and the hottest gay men in the country.
[edit] Famous Locals
Such famous locals to come out of Miami include Shaquille O'Neal, Tiger Woods, G-Dep, Carmen Electra, Elektra, Daredevil, the 50 Foot Woman, and the city's local mayor, Lance Vance.
[edit] Politics
Miami's mayor is Lance Vance and it is run by Carmen Electra. The city was also featured in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, only it wasn't Miami, it was San Andreas.
[edit] Crime
If you cause trouble, like harassing locals, you will get One Star above your head and the police will chase after you for like, a minute or two. If you cause more trouble, like kill someone, you will get Two Stars. The police will not stop chasing you unless you spray paint your car or something. If you keep causing trouble (like killing people or blowing shit up) your stars will eventually keep rising. At Three Stars, police choppers will chase you and make bad comments regarding your wardrobe. At Four Stars, the FBI chase you because they don't have anything else better to do. At Five Stars, they send Robocop after you! And at Six Stars, the Army chases you, although it's only the Canadian Army. Eventually, they may shoot you and you may end up WASTED, which is a Game Over.
Miami is also full of dangerous hookers and prostitutes, who pack concealed firearms in their cleavage, and actually try to shoot you just because you want to punch them in the face or smack them around or abuse them a little or something.
[edit] Neighborhoods
Such Miami neighborhoods include:
- Ocean Beach
- Washington Beach
- Vice Point
- Prawn Island
- Starfish Island
- Downtown
- Escobar International
- Leaf Links
- Viceport
- Little Havana
- Little Haiti
- Hialeah
- Dolphin Mall: where all of the chongas go to repopulate the city
[edit] Sports
- Only Wins Against Baltimores - NFL Team - Current record is losing to everyone but Baltimore.
- Wins The World Series and then Sells Their Good Players - Baseball Team - Current record is 50-50.
- Pat Rileys - NBA Team - Current record is 62 years old and in need of a new hip.
- Who are they again? - NHL Team - The team no one ever remembers.
[edit] Fame
See, Scarface.
[edit] Local Heroes
No heroes. Plenty of heroin, though.
[edit] Media Coverage
Miami will host the 2008 Olympics. China just doesn't know it yet.
