Michael Barrymore
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Anally raping grown men? Disgusting. Small boy-prostitutes are where it's at.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Michael Barrymore
“What a vile, despicable thing to do to a man; my rape victims have a 100% survival rate!”
~ John Leslie on Michael Barrymore
“I ain't never raped nobody and dumped them in no swimming pool, but if I did you can bet your ass it would be twenty men, and drugs you never even heard of.”
~ Samuel L Jackson on Michael Barrymore
Michael Barrymore is a British TV presenter best known for hosting numerous popular British quiz shows such as Strike It Lucky and My Kind of Music, and for ejaculating into a drug-filled partygoer shortly prior to drowning him in a swimming pool. He is also the Guinness World Record holder for Fastest Road Consumption, after successfully eating and digesting a mile-long length of the A9814 near Oollaalerton in 31.8 picoseconds.
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Barrymore was brought up by a single father who owned a bitumen factory. His father, Gusguquain Barrymore, often worked long hours and rarely saw his son; indeed when young Michael was only 7 years old, he found an aptitude for the talent which would, later in life, lead to a great many television offers and also indirectly to him rectally penetrating a heroin-filled man's bottom who would later be found dead floating in a swimming pool. Gusguquain was horrified when, early one morning, he opened the factory doors to find Michael had eaten no less than seven tons of bitumen, and during a freak stock market crash which temporarily left bitumen more valuable than Queen's Eggs. Barrymore vomited the bitumen into roads for model villages on a TV talent show, and thus the star was born.
[edit] TV Career
Barrymore's first TV offer was to come in 1989, in the form of the co-presenter of ITV's response to the growing craze for road consumption in Britain's schoolyards during the 1980s, My Kind of Bitumen Eaters, along with Steve Davis. Shortly after this, the pair met in the World Groin Championship Championships, a hybrid tournament which comprised the best elements of road-eating and snooker into an exciting game which lasts up to three days per frame. After the consumption of roads was banned in the spring of 1990 due to an incident involving a boy turning himself into the B2643 and subsequently being run over by 490 cars, Barrymore was snapped up straight away as the voiceover for Channel 4's short-lived fly-on-the-wall documentary How Does Johnny 5 Wank?, which was cancelled following a record 184,800 complaints about the first episode, ranging from "Dominik Diamond's head should never have been anywhere near that horse's intestines" to "I was shocked and disgusted whilst trying to eat a lovely bit of roast lamb at 6:30 yesterday to witness former road-eating superstar Michael Barrymore describing a mechanical construct ejaculating motor oil onto respected politicians' faces as "a moment I'll be reliving in bed tonight!". I am also disgusted at the absurd length of attributed quotes on internet websites that have not been created yet.".
In spite of all this, Barrymore's winning personality, charming demeanour and propensity for ejaculating into men prevailed and the TV offers continued to flood in like water into a drowning man's destroyed rectal cavity. In 1993, Barrymore became the presenter of ITV's longest-running quiz show The Clifton Factor, where contestants had their mental and physical strength tested with tough questions and even tougher physical exercises whilst wearing ostrich-legs costumes. The star claims in subsequent interviews that "Some of the shoots on The Clifton Factor were the best times of my life - aside from when I'm having crazy coke-fuelled pool rape rampages, of course".
[edit] Murder Inquiry
In 2001, the floating corpse of "meat inspector" Stuart Lubbock was found in Barrymore's pool, with traces of cocaine in his bloodstream and "severe anal injuries". It is impossible to say how the man came to be in this condition, as the trial is still in progress, but far be it from this article to speculate on such sensitive matters. It should be pointed out, however, that when news of the incident reached Mrs. Dorothy Replacement (82) of Dogworth, Cheshire, she was quoted as saying "I knew it, you could always tell, he had a funny walk about him like one of them queers, all bent out of shape like that poor man's rectum. Never had anything like that in my day". While Mrs. Replacement is not considered a legal expert on such matters, she has been consulted in the past by the police on gang violence following her letter "Them Bloody Nig-Nogs Are Always Killing Each Other You Know, Just Look At All Those Civil Wars In Africa, We Ought To Deport The Lot" being printed in the Daily Mail, and eventually serialised as a three-part miniseries on ITV3.
[edit] Libel (or slander) Trial
Michael Barrymore attempted to sue Uncyclopedia for "libel and/or slander" (when asked, he said "they're pretty much the same thing right?") in January of 2008, but the case was dismissed on grounds that taking place in the future constituted contempt of court. This, of course, was the crucial precedent cited in Connor vs. T-1000, and ironically enough made Barrymore indirectly responsible for saving seven billion lives. However, since the events he has still only managed to secure one TV role, presenting "XTREME Lasertag" on UK XTR3M3X ("So extreme we need an extra X and arbitrary numerics!", channel 471 on Sky).
[edit] Canned revival attempt
Studio executives got together with Barrymore and brainstormed a new idea that would be both a guaranteed cash cow and jump-start Barrymore's professional career again. Many months of arduous research and opinion polls were conducted in finding the right vehicle for this near miraculous come-back. Barrymore is set to star in a failed reality show "exclusive" on ITV1 some time in late 2007, after which he'll return to a "prime-time" slot on ITV3 with his new show, Barrymore's Pumping Death. The format of the show has not yet been finalised, but it is rumoured Barrymore insisted upon this name, and also insisted his copresenter would be a man who makes the "HOT SPOT" noise from Strike it Lucky when he ejaculates, which he would do at humourous intervals throughout the show, and occasionally onto celebrities "like the gunging on Noel's House Party, but with spunk like Noel's Bukkake Experience". A co-presenter who fits this description has not yet been found, although it is rumoured Craig Charles is attempting to fund an operation which would allow him to qualify.
[edit] Trivia
- Michael Barrymore's face starts flashing red when he ejaculates.
- In 1989, Barrymore became the first person to be arrested under the new law against "Attempting to compromise the anal integrity of a Beefeater guard".
- Barrymore's autobiography was initially called I Really Wish They Hadn't Found That Drug-Filled Corpse Packed With My Man Mayonnaise but was later changed to Barrymore: My Kind of Rapist after pressure from the publisher.
- Barrymore met his ex-wife aboard a cruise ship where she was one of the singers and he was the compére. They attempted to write a song about it following on the success of Copacabana, but could not find a good rhyme for "compére".
- Barrymore married his ex-wife aboard the same cruise ship, the Lucky Luck, which was pillaged and sunk by pirates on its very next voyage.
- Barrymore divorced his ex-wife after she discovered he liked to rape men to death. In pools.
- Barrymore is better known in the USA as M-Boy, the breakdancing superstar. He holds the world record for most consecutive head spins (938).
- Barrymore's sister Tito Äschergrönerfeldstenkröder-Barrymore is widely known in the alchemical sector for being the first person to synthesise lead from gold.
- Barrymore has fourteen lungs, although only eight are used for respiration. The other six are used to launder Vietnamese currency.
- Barrymore's prostate is filled with tomb dust.
- In the Pacific island of Auouao, Barrymore's chin is revered as a god. However, his forehead is feared as a devil and is said to bring about the disappearance and eventual finding (albeit with significantly more rectal puncturing) of young members of the tribe.
- Barrymore's chosen weapon is a 3 foot long, black, rubber, double ended dildo named "Mr. Thrashlord". Primarily he uses it as a type of cudgel but has been known, on occasion, to wield it as if it were a boomerang. When asked about the dildo, Dale Winton was seen shrieking and rapidly shedding layers of artificial tan, before running into a dressing room and reportedly buying a one-way ticket to Paraguay by phone. Legend has it, the weapon can take many different avatars and was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
- Before the pool incident, Barrymore had been hotly tipped to play the role of Frodo in the upcoming Lord of the Rings films. Unfortunately for Barrymore, Peter Jackson did not believe that a game of Strike It Lucky atop Mount Doom would be a suitable climax to the trilogy.
[edit] Awards
- 1978 - Won the West Analsby Junior Regional Road Consumption Festival.
- 1979 - Came runner up in the British Junior Road Consumption Phantasmagoria '79 (Sponsored by BITUMENTASTIC! Road-Flavoured Soft Drinks).
- 1988 - Voted TV Guide's Quiz Show Host I'd Most Like To Kick In The Face Until Their Jaw Turns To Paté.
- 1997 - Voted Maxim Magazine's Rear Destroyer of the Year.
- 2000 - Declared the Guinness World Record holder for Fastest Road Consumption, a record he holds to this day. In breaking the record he also coincidentally broke the record for Largest unbroken mass of solid bitumen to come out of a man's anus.
- 2003 - Received an Academy Award for Best Pool Rapist, and a nomination for Best Total Destruction Of An Anus In Chlorinated Water. He was beaten to the latter by Michael Moore.
- 2003 - Voted Rohypnol Alternative of the Year.
