Michael Bolton
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Michael Bolton can make anything suck.”
~ Butt-head on Michael Bolton
“...except a groupie.”
~ Nostradamus on Michael Bolton
Michael Bolton is an American singer who specialises in bland, insipid and throaty soft rock (in fact his rock is so damn soft it's technically squelchy rock) ballads for middle-aged housewives and insane people. Despite his name, he has never been to Bolton and if presented with a black pudding would probably sing some dreadful fucking dirge about it whilst looking all earnest in the video.
[edit] Musical Career
Michael Bolton has had an unjustly long career in the music business. He began recording music in the 1970s, sucking all the interest out of songs with his abnormally large, vacuous urethra and then ejaculating a slimy coating of blandness on them that would diminish any human sex drive as soon as the songs started to play.
Michael Bolton missed most of the 1980s due to the unfathomable size of his mullet. That's a shame, he'd have fitted right in. He emerged from behind the hair at the end of the decade to have undeserved success with the astonishing waste of recording studio time that is "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" Bolton has since admitted that the song was about his yearning for crack.
In the 1990s, Bolton released a huge faecal wave of terrible turds of albums which somehow sold in high numbers. These included Tied, Drugged and Ten-bob Sex (1991) and Timeless: The Classics (1992) his album of cover versions which lead one critic to point out "I suppose it is timeless, in the same way the Rwandan genocide is".
In spite of howls of protest from music lovers and demands that he stop for the love of all currently-worshiped Gods from the United Nations, Bolton continued to foist his syrupy crap on us all. In late 1996 he shat out Coming Down Your Chimney: The Christmas Album which took cheeky, often innuendo-laden Christmas favourites about Santa Claus "giving the wife one" and delivered them in his usual earnest, lozenge-begging style. A bill was put before the British Parliament demanding Christmas be cancelled that year in an effort to stop Bolton but the bill was blocked by menopausal women in the House of Lords.
Although Bolton's success in this field earned him an honorary position in every mafia there is (and free bukkake), Bolton left the music industry when he discovered that his own musical handiwork had rendered him impotent. This has not diminished his relationship with a Desperate Housewife, whose attraction to his sterling personality remains unabated.
[edit] Discography
- My Hunger (1987)
- Sole Provider (1989) - a concept album in which Bolton cast himself as a singing shoe shop owner
- Tied, Drugged and Ten-bob Sex (1991)
- Timeless: The Classics (1992) - banned in several countries
- Coming Down Your Chimney: The Christmas Album (1996) - illegal under the Geneva Convention
- My Goatse Passion (1998)
